FamilySecrets LizByrskiBOOKCLUBDISCUSSIONPOINTS

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ThankyouforchoosingFamilySecretsforyourbookclub.Herearesomediscussionpointsyoumayliketouse.AfterConniearrivesinEnglandsherealises“TherehavebeensomanytimesinthelongmarriagetoGeraldwhenshehaslongedtobefree,andnevermoresothanduringthelasttenyears.Butwhatwillshedowiththisfreedom?...howisshesupposedtolivethisfreedom,overhungwithgriefandguilt?”Whatmakesfeelingfreeaftercaringforsomeonewithaterminal

illnesssocomplex?WasConnie’sdecisiontoimmediatelygoawayafterGeralddiedtherightone?WhydoyouthinksheallowedGeraldtocurtailherfreedomsduringthemarriage?WhilesheiswaitingforConnie’sarrivalinPortd’Esprit,FloraconsidersherlifeworkingwithSuzanneatthehotel.“Ithasn’tallbeenworkofcourse,andmuchofithasbeenaverygoodlife,butrightnowFloraseesherselfasshefearsothersmightseeher:thewillinghelper,thedogsbody,makingsomeoneelse’slifeworkbecauseshehasnolifeofherown”.WhydoyouthinkFloracareshowothersseeheratthatparticulartimeinherlife?Isthissomethingthataffectsmenaswellaswomen?Howdowelearnnotbeaffectedbyothers’opinionsofourselves?Secretsareattheheartofthisbook.ConnietellsBrooke“It’sGrandad’sway.Ithinkitmadehimfeelincontrolofthings,butit’sdivisive.IsupposeIlearneditfromhim”.FlorastruggleswithConnie’sapparentcomplicityinkeepingthesecretsthatGeralddemanded.Brookeisaffectedbyallthesecretstheadultsinthefamilyseemtobekeepingfromeachother.Whydideveryoneagreetokeepthevarioussecrets?Whensecretsdamageothers,isthepersonwhodemandsthesecretmoreresponsibleforthatdamagethanthosewhoagreetokeepthem?HowresponsibleisConnieforhowmuchFlora’slifewasaffected?BothKerryandAndrewstrugglewithalifetimeoffeelingtheywereunnoticedbytheirfatherorthatheevenacknowledgedtheirachievements.Whydowecontinuetoseekparentalapprovalasadults?Canparentalapprovalasanadultmakeupforlackofapprovalasachild?Whileweasreadersnever‘meet’Geralddirectly,fromothers’thoughts,memoriesanddiscussions,heisnotaverylikeablecharacter.Heseemstohaveactedfromapositionoffear.Bea“realisedlongagothatGerald’sapparentconfidenceandsenseofhisownauthoritywasrootedinafearofhisownirrelevance”.Doesthatmeanhedeservesoursympathy?

FamilySecrets LizByrskiBOOKCLUBDISCUSSIONPOINTS

www.lizbyrski.com

BothAndrewandKerrythoughtaboutmissedopportunitiesasadultstogettoknowtheirfatherbetter.Whatdoyouthinkstoppedthemfromtrying?Wouldunderstandinghimbetterhavehelpedthemwiththeirownissues?

DespitethephysicaldistanceandthestricturesfromGerald,ConniekeptupcontactwithFloraviaemailandskype.AfterConnieabruptlyleftthelunchattheIvy,Floracommented“YoucametoFranceandIwasthrilledtoseeyouagain,butIknewitwouldbedifferent,becausewehadbothchanged.Ourfriendshipneededwork–itneededupdating.”Howwastheirfriendshipaffectedbylivingindifferentcountries?DidFloraandConniehaveaninvestmentinusingthepasttodefinetheirfriendship?Howisitpossibleto‘update’afriendship?ItseemsthatKerryknowsshehasdepressionandhashaditbefore.“Somesortofwallhasgrownupbetweenherandotherpeople,cuttingherofffromeveryonesheloves,evenherchildren...Shehasgonethroughperiodslikethisinthelastfewyearsbuttheyhavepassed:thistime,however,itseemstohavebecomeapermanentstate.”Whydoyouthinkshedidn’tseekhelporeventalktoChrisaboutit?Howmuchdoyouthinkherinabilitytocopewithherfather’sdeteriorationwouldhavecontributedtohernotspeakingofhowshewasfeeling?AsFlorapondersherfutureshegrappleswithhowherlifehasunfolded.“Wisdomhasevadedher,shehasnotachievedgreatspiritualdepths,nordiscoveredlastingearthlylove,despitemanyattempts.Nowassheteeterstowardsanunplannedoldage,shemightaswellbesteppingintoavoid.”Wecanplanfinanciallyforoldage,butisitpossibletoplanfortheemotionalchangesoldagebrings?Andwhatdoyouthinkthosechangesmightbe?BothConnieandFlorarevisittheirpastwhentheyvisitEngland,bothlookingforanswers.Conniesays“That’swhyI’mherenowwithyou,churningupthepast,burrowingintoitlikewoodwormintoprecioustimber,prickingmyselfonthesplintersasIgo,believingifIdigdeeperIwillsomehowdiscoversomethingIleftbehindthatwillnourishmenow,alltheseyearslater.”Doesrevisitingthepasthelpustoworkoutwhoweareasweage?Orisitpurelyindulginginnostalgia?Idohopeyouenjoyyourdiscussion.