Difficult Conversations HandoutsGreater New Orleans New Leaders

Step 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three ConversationsStep 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations• Walk through the Three Conversations 1 2 3 4 5

Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise ItStep 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It• Check to make sure your purposes make sense• Don’t do it on the fly

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Step 3: Start from The Third StoryStep 3: Start from The Third Story• Think like a mediator• Describe the issue as the difference between your perspectives• Describe your purposes• Invite, don’t impose• Make them your partner in figuring it out• Be persistent

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Step 4: Explore Their Story and YoursStep 4: Explore Their Story and YoursInquire and listen to learn

• Authentic listening• Manage your internal voice• Don’t make statements disguised as questions• Don’t use questions to cross-examine• Ask open-ended questions• Ask for more concrete information• Ask questions about the Three Conversations• Make it safe for them not to answer

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Distinguish blame from contribution 1 2 3 4 5Embrace both stories, adopting the “And Stance” 1 2 3 4 5Paraphrase for clarity and acknowledgment 1 2 3 4 5Acknowledge feelings 1 2 3 4 5Speak for yourself with clarity and power

• Feel entitled to speak• Start with what matters most• Say what you mean (don’t rely on subtext; avoid easing in)• Don’t make your story simplistic• Use the And Stance• Don’t present your conclusions as the truth• Share where your conclusions come from• Don’t exaggerate with “always” and “never”: give them room to change• Help them understand you (ask them to paraphrase back; ask how they see it differently and why)

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Redirect the conversation 1 2 3 4 5Name the dynamic; make the trouble explicit 1 2 3 4 5

Step 5: Problem-SolveStep 5: Problem-Solve• Propose crafting a test• Say what is still missing• Say what would persuade you• Ask what (if anything) would persuade them• Ask their advice• Invent options• Ask what standards should apply; encourage mutual caretaking

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AUTHENTIC CONVERSATION SKILLS ASSESSMENT1

On a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being excellent, how do you rate your skills (or your peer’s if you are using this form following a role play) in utilizing the following authentic conversation strategies?

1 Adapted from Heen, Patton, and Douglas Stone. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Press, 1999, p.244-248.

Difficult Conversations HandoutsGreater New Orleans New Leaders

1 Adapted from Heen, Patton, and Douglas Stone. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Press, 1999, p.244-248.

! It is the end of the first quarter of your year serving as a resident principal. You feel you are making a difference in the resident site and your work with your team of six teachers identified for the Teacher Improvement Project (TIPS) is started. You are also realizing how difficult and complex change is. You are painfully aware that this may take longer than you realized and want to be sure you plan your time strategically so the progress you identified for each teacher is made.

! Your mentor principal has charged you with planning all of the professional development for the year and with identifying the facilitators for the sessions. The focus for the year is on increasing rigor for all content areas. When the focus of rigor was shared with the faculty, there were several comments from teachers stating that daily instruction is already rigorous. Although it was not stated, it became apparent to you that many teachers are neither aware of what rigor is nor have strategies to increase rigor. There were other comments that the students in this school are barely able to master what is taught and that to increase the rigor will only impact students’ self concepts and cause frustration.

! You notice one teacher who arrives at professional development sessions displaying a variety of behaviors indicating lack of interest and engagement as well as a reluctance to learn. The teacher is one of the teachers your mentor principal and you identified for the TIPS assignment and she has several goals requiring professional development. The teacher is Ms. Gilham and she has taught for seven years. Ms. Gilham arrives late at profession development whether it is a full day, half day, or after school session and arrives late to staff meetings. She is off task in the sessions and engages in side conversations or grades paper. Her comments are skeptical or even negative and she appears to be oppositional to both the content and skill development that is the focus for the session.

! After observing this behavior twice, you talked with Ms. Gilham. Unfortunately the conversation did not go well. You showed frustration and connected her behavior to the goals she had for improvement in the TIPS. You basically said that you saw little or no hope that she would meet her goals without a sincere and obvious commitment to professional development. Ms. Gilham responded by telling you that until you arrived in the school, she had always been considered to be an effective teacher. She ended the conversation saying that you obviously had problems with her not jumping when you wanted her to jump and that she found you to be contradictory in her approach to her and the messages you were giving. She said that when you described having no hope for her growth that she found this discouraging and that the message contradicted your other messages about believing all individuals have the potential to get smarter and to learn. Her last comment in this conversation was that you do not understand that the students in this school are only able to manage instruction that is at their level and that your focus on rigor only shows your lack of experience.

What is your plan for an authentic conversation with Ms. Gilham? Use the Authentic Conversations Preparation Form to think through the issues and what you will say.

Scenario 1 - Professional Development Woes

Difficult Conversations HandoutsGreater New Orleans New Leaders

1 Adapted from Heen, Patton, and Douglas Stone. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Press, 1999, p.244-248.

! You have served in the role of resident principal for four months and are beginning to understand the culture of the school and the motivation of several individuals on the staff of your resident site. Once your mentor principal saw the results of your culture assessment, she charged you to take the lead for the improvement of school culture for the upcoming year. She feels that working with a team of 4-6 teachers will enable you to grow with coaching teachers and building capacity while working on improving the school culture will give you the perspective of the whole school which needs to be built in order to be prepared to be a principal at the end of this year. Your focus is on building high academic standards for all students and putting in processes and programs to prepare college and career ready students.

! You notice that one of your teachers, Shane, is seen talking with small groups of teachers in the lounge, in the halls, and in the parking lot after professional development or staff meetings. On a few occasions when you have approached the group, the conversation stops. There is a consistent group of teachers that connect with Shane but recently you have noticed that he is expanding his conversations to include others.

! Shane and you have had several discussions about whether all students can be or should be prepared for college. Shane expressed his opinions that for many students college is not the right direction or a possibility. He gives examples of several parents in the community who do not aspire for their children to attend college and want them to go into the military or assume a role in the family business. Shane frequently refers to his cousin who did not attend college and has his own plumbing company. Shane appears to be quite resentful of his cousin when he states that his cousin makes more money than Shane does as a college graduate employed as a teacher. Your response to Shane has been to ignore his comments but you think a lot about what you should say to him.

! Your mentor principal attended a conference out of state this past week. One evening during the week when your mentor principal was at the conference, you got a note that there are a group of teachers who wish to meet with you the next day to share their concerns about the direction you were taking with improving school culture and several of the changes you have initiated. Shane is one of the teachers. You call your mentor principal and she advises you to meet with the group to learn their concerns.

! You schedule the meeting for the next day. In the meeting, you are surprised with the intensity and the tone of the meeting. The other four teachers do all of the talking while Shane says nothing. You feel confident that Shane has recruited the other teachers into these viewpoints and have coached them on what to say as Shane has expressed the same things in individual conversations with you. You decide that it is important to listen to the group but that Shane needs to be the focus of your upcoming conversations.

What is your plan for an authentic conversation with Shane? Use the Authentic Conversations Preparation Form to think through the issues and what you will say.

Scenario 2 - Come Join My Team

Difficult Conversations HandoutsGreater New Orleans New Leaders

1 Adapted from Heen, Patton, and Douglas Stone. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Press, 1999, p.244-248.

! The first few months as a resident principal were challenging but productive. You learned to recognize that there are individuals who are never satisfied. There is one teacher, Mr. Sullivan, who is causing you great concern. Whenever ideas are presented by others or by you, he finds fault with everything. No matter how promising the initiatives are for students, he only sees the flaws. When you offer support and incentives to encourage staff buy-in, he makes comments that this is not enough and that you do not know how to show appreciation to professionals. Whenever issues come up, he consistently blames others including other staff members, the students, the parents and of course you. He frequently has difficulty seeing his role in making an initiative or a situation successful. You notice a pattern when he brings up issues. He brings up multiple issues, issues from the past, or issues outside of his ability to control.

! In the last staff meeting, you publicly asked Mr. Sullivan to try to be more positive with his comments. You noticed that the room became very quiet and that everyone seemed to be watching you and Mr. Sullivan. He did not respond to your request but became silent for the rest of the meeting. After the meeting, several of Mr. Sullivan’s friends huddled with him in the teacher’s lounge.

! You are concerned that Mr. Sullivan will alienate other staff members and discredit you as the leader creating problems with your relationships with many members of the staff. You realize that an area of growth for you is learning how to shift the negative and resistant thinking of others. You are also concerned about your becoming less tolerant and patient with Mr. Sullivan.

What is your plan for an authentic conversation with Ms. Sullivan? Use the Authentic Conversations Preparation Form to think through the issues and what you will say.

Scenario 3 - Never Satisfied