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How to Improve Your Prose Style: Part 3

This lecture covers the following concepts:

5. Actors/Subjects and Actions/Verbs6. Being Correct

© Karen Thompson, University of Idaho

Some of the examples in these slides have been adapted from Michael Alley’s The Craft of Scientific Writing and Joseph Williams’ Style.

Concept 5: Actors/Subjects and Actions/Verbs

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Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.

There are two subjects and two verbs in this bad rewrite.

The subjects are underlined and the verbs are in italics.

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But, walks and jumps do not happen without someone doing these actions.

In this awful rewrite, the action is buried because the important actors are not doing the action.

As a result, the sentence is unclear.

To identify if a sentence has actors doing the actions ask: “who is doing what?”

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Who was walking? (A: Little Red Riding Hood)Who jumped? (A: Wolf)

Then revise to make the actors the subject of the sentence.

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

Here’s another example:

2010 University of Idaho Writing Program5

There is opposition among many voters to nuclear power plants based on a belief of their threat to human health.

Ask who is doing what? And revise by making those doing the action the subject of the sentence.

Who is doing what? Answer: Voters oppose.

Revision:Many voters oppose nuclear power plants because they believe these plants threaten human health.

But….sometimes you don’t want main actors doing the action.

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Often, in technical and scientific writing, the preferred emphasis is on the action because we don’t really care who did the action.

In these cases, writing in the passive voice is preferred over active.

Example

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Active Voice (actor is doing the action): To determine if monokines elicited an adrenal steroidogenic

response, I added preparations of . . .

Passive Voice: To determine if monokines elicited an adrenal steroidogenic

response, preparations were added . .

In the first sentence, the active voice draws attention to theindividual doing the task which is an unnecessary distraction. Thepassive voice is preferred here because readers are not interested inwho did the task but what was done.

Be careful when using the active voice with inanimate objects.Try to avoid the Dr. Frankenstein effect.

ReasonableThe oscilloscope displayedthe voltage.

The oscilloscope measuredthe voltage. V

+

-

The oscilloscope calculatedthe voltage. V=

Avoiding the first person often convolutes sentences. Notice how using the first person adheres to plain English principles.

In that an effort to identify a specific control circuit responsible for the failure of the gear box was unsuccessful, it was determined appropriate to resurvey the collector field for torque tube damage.

Because we could not locate the control circuitresponsible for the gear box failure, we resurveyedthe collector field for torque tube damage.

Weak verbs hide the energy of your work

A new process for eliminating nitrogen oxides from diesel exhaust engines is presented. Flow tube experiments to test this process are discussed. The percentage decrease in nitrogen oxide emissions is revealed.

This paper presents a new process for eliminating nitrogen oxides from the exhaust of diesel engines. To test this process, we performed experiments in flow tubes. These experiments revealed a 99 percent decrease in nitrogen oxide emissions.

Concept 6: Being Correct

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There are 3 kinds of grammar rules:

1. Real rules2. Social rules3. Invented rules

Concept 6 slides are adapted from Joseph Williams’ Style – Great book.

Real Rules

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These are the rules that define English as English.

Speakers born into English do not think about these rules and violate them only when they are not paying attention (i.e. tired or distracted).

Example of real rules:

Mary and John sat by the lake.Not – in the lake or on the lake.

She enjoyed the book.Not: She enjoyed book the.

Social Rules

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Social rules distinguish standard English from nonstandard.

None of us speak standard English.

Educated people, however, write standard English and observe social rules when and where appropriate.

Social Rules: Examples

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We saw the accident.Not: We seen the accident.

He has no money. Not: He ain’t got no money.

NOTE: some dialects of English consistently use doublenegatives etc. If a dialect is consistent in this type of usage, it isnot a violation of grammar but rather a variation in social rules –appropriate in some contexts but not others.

Invented Rules

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Invented rules are those rules that think we should observe. These are rules we are taught in school.

But…as Joseph Williams points out in Style, most of these rules date from the last half of the 18th century, and many of them are not worth stressing about.

 

Robert Lowth (1710 – 787) wrote one of the most influential textbooks of English grammar. Lowth and other authors helped standardizedEnglish. Language, however, is dynamic and toview rules as static is a problem Lowth did notunderstand, but hey, don’t be too hard on him. Hemeant well.

Example of an Invented Rule

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Never split an infinitive (an infinitive is the “to form of a verb”--- to run, to play, etc).

The writers of television series Star Trek broke this rule.

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To boldly go where no man has gone before!

Wrong! The correct wording is “to go boldly” sonny!

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Honestly, grammar lady who on earth would prefer that syntax?

Star Trek’s writers broke this rule because it just sounded better.

Not me Jim. Let’s vaporize grammar lady.

It’s not logical, but we can spare her for now.

Also, invented rules can change.

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In the 20th century, the official gate keepers of English (those who

produce the Oxford English dictionary), and who should never be sneered at, made it official that splitting infinitives was a okay.

Some die-hard members of the grammar police, however, still hold onto this rule and find pleasure in trying to enforce it. When you meet one of these people, and they have power over you, make a decision about whether you will fight grammatical injustice or cave to power ).

Not all errors are equal

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Errors that readers notice and these reflect poorly on writer:• Run on sentences and fragments.• Incorrect use of its/it’s and there/their/they’re• Typos and Spelling Errors

Errors that cause confusion in readers:• Missing comma for an introductory element.• Ambiguous pronoun reference.• Faulty parallelism• Wrong stress emphasis

Errors that few readers notice:• Different from vs. Different than• Using a contraction• Split infinitive

Sentences, Fragments, and Run-Ons

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Sentence: A sentence is group of words with a subject and a verb that expresses a complete thought.

Fragment: A fragment is a group of words that either is missing a subject or a verb or does not express a complete thought.

Run-on: A run-on is two or more independent clauses (sentences) that are joined with a comma. Run-ons can create a clarity problem because readers are not able to identify the most important information.

Which are sentences (S), fragments (F), or run-ons (RO)?

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Rubidium has no major uses, however, it is more common in the earth than zinc, copper, or nickel.

Although carbon dioxide occurs naturally, man has dramatically increased its concentration this past century.

Several systems can detect plastic explosives. For example, thermal neutron activation systems, nitrogen sniffer systems, and enhanced x-ray systems.

RO

S

S / F

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How to Think About Rules

Do not mindlessly obey nor be obsessed with rules, but don’t be sloppy about language either. Be aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it when you write.

If writers whom we judge competent regularly violate some alleged rule and most careful readers never notice, then the rule has no force.

Joseph Williams, Style