Love above all pdf copy

Love Above All

Forgiveness of a Young Rwandan Genocide Survivor

Jean De Dieu Musabyimanaan Den De D

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2010 Jean De Dieu Musabyimana. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4567-0044-7 (sc)

12/20/2010

in the United United

2010

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Author’s Note

! is is my true story, my life started from the year 1981 till now. First of all I am so sorry because I did not use the dates of everything that it took place. Was too hard to remember them, especially during the Genocide, that is why I chose not to use the dates. But every person and names I used are real. I used some harsh words but my aim was not to o" end any one who reads this book. I was trying to make the story complete because I was trying to describe what happened. As you read, you will also fi nd some good words giving hope for the future. LOVE ABOVE ALLure

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INTRODUCTION

Rwanda is a small country,only 26,338 km2, located in East Africa, in the region of Great Lakes. It is also called a country of thousand hills because of its high mountains. It was colonized by Belgium. ! is is my homeland because it is where I was born and where I live.

My father died only three months after my birth. He died with twins who were my elder brothers; then I was only left with my mother and one brother in a very bad situation of poverty. At my young age of six years, when I started primary school, that’s when I was taught that Rwanda is inhabited by three di" erent ethnic groups: Twas, Hutus and Tutsis. I learnt that Tutsis were very bad, that they did bad things to other ethnic groups. I also later on learnt that I belonged to that ethnic group of Tutsis. For this, I grew up ashamed of being called a Tutsi.

When I was eleven years old, the genocide against Tutsis, which had been prepared for a long time, started; it was in 1994. Tutsis in all corners of the country began to fl ee their homes to di" erent o# ces of the local government (districts

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and provinces), to churches, to schools, even in stadiums. ! ey went there just because they thought they would easily get protection from local leaders.

After a very short period of time, Rwandan Defense Force of that time, which would protect these refugees, started fi ring and slaughtering them instead. Few of these refugees who managed to escape these bullets, when they tried to fl ee again. ! eir some neighbors Twas and Hutus were waiting for them in villages with local weapons including machetes, lances, swords and many others. ! e country was full of cries here and there.

My grandfather (my mother’s father) was a very old man aged 82. For him fl eeing was not his concern. He thought that none would kill him because he was very old. We left him home and went to a neighbour of ours who was a Hutu and who had promised to protect and give us where to hide. After three days, INTERAHAMWE (the name which was given to those who were trained to kill Tutsis) reached our home. ! ey met there my grandfather and started arguing whether to kill him or not. Some were against others for. ! ey ended up saying that the one killing a snake doesn’t show compassion. ! at’s how he was beaten a very big stick (named “ubuhiri” in my local language)In the chest and his dead body was thrown into the pit latrine.

! ese killings became more and more serious. ! e one who was hiding us told us to leave his house and fi nd elsewhere to hide. He afraid because it was possible for us to be killed before him..I remember it was raining cats and dogs. We then started hiding here and there in banana and sorghum plantations, in forests and in pits.

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Love Above All

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After more than two months in such a hard life, my mother was discovered. She was killed with that big stick and a sword after being raped. I was then left all alone and I had to continue hiding.

After one hundred days of the genocide against Tutsis, Rwandan Patriotic Forces, most of them were Tutsis who had fl ed the country in 1959 and 1973 together with some Hutus who didn’t support the genocide, managed to stop the genocide.

I was the only one left in my familyand I had to struggle for life at eleven years. I started looking for jobs of being a houseboy. One parent, whom I was working for, after learning that I was bright at school decided to bring me back to school. ! at’s how I joined school again. I also started being interested in the word of God (Holy Scriptures) what helped me to accept the life I was living. It relieved me and allowed me t accept what happened to me until I decided to forgive those who killed members of my family. I visited their families and told them how I forgave them from the one who planned to kill me to the one who raped and killed my mother. For the time being, sisters and children of the one who killed my mother are among my friends.I have really forgiven them from the bottom of my heart and thanks to the True Love from Almighty God and it is the same Love that I tell everybody.LOVE ABOVE ALL

Uppercase: My First Day

My very fi rst greatest day was November 08th, 1981 when I was born. I think members of my family were very happy that day when I was crying, my mother trying to sooth me

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saying, “don’t cry my baby”, others clapping and shouting of happiness. ! is happiness didn’t last long because only after three months my father and my two brothers died the same day. ! ese two brothers were twins and I was born after them. I was told that that they loved my father very much and he had to take them with him whenever he was walking near home.

Only after three months I was an orphan. You can ask yourself why I should be called an orphan when I had a mother. At that time, a house without a husband was meaningless and it had no value in the Rwandan society. Even when there was a party in such a family without a husband, it was not accepted for the mother to address her audience. ! ey had to ask a husband in a nearby house to give a speech of the day. ! is is why children without fathers were called orphans. Remember that this is what I was told by my mother when I grew up after spending a very long time asking her about my family and telling me nothing. I was a stubborn and curious child. I wanted to know everything. I was di" erent from my elder brother who was calm and did what he was told to do. He was not talkative and he liked helping my mother in di" erent activities.

Being talkative, I liked asking my mother why we hadn’t a father. She didn’t like me asking her such a question and preferred not to tell me the truth. When she was in a good mood she would tell me that my father had gone somewhere and would be back very soon. But if she was sad she would kick me telling me that I like asking nonsense things. One day when I was at school, they asked me names of my parents and I failed. My teacher told me to bring my elder brother who studied at the same school for him to ask him. When I brought him, my teacher asked him names of

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Love Above All

5

my both parents. He answered and the next question was to know if they were both alive. When he was asked this question I was astonished to hear that my father had died and I immediately said that my brother was telling lies. I added that my father had traveled and that he would be back soon. Both my brother and teacher laughed and my teacher agreed with me but it was a way of cooling me down. By that time the only thing in my head was to report my brother to my mother as soon as I arrived home that he insulted my father saying that he had died. When we got home I told my mother that Fidele (my brother) had insulted my father that he had died. When she heard this she laughed at me and seemed to care less about what I was telling her. I got very angry and when she saw that I was getting angry, she revealed me the truth and said that my father was dead. ! at is when I knew that my father is no longer alive but do not ask me the cause of his death. I thought he died a natural death. For me I knew that the only cause of death was sicknesses. ! e same for my father I thought he fell sick and died. It is clear that I was still very young.

A Heart Full Of Sorrow Does Not Make Words Clear

When I grew old, I knew the reason why my mother had avoided talking about the death of my father. What I know is that they loved one another and my mother loved her twins and this would be the only reason. He avoided remembering them: care that she was receiving from my father, her beloved twins and she must have su" ered a lot when she was giving birth to these twins. During the genocide against Tutsis, when it was possible for us to die, that’s when she told me that they were all poisoned.

When I became somehow old, my family was living at a

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place called RUBENGERA; a western part of our country and their native place was KADUHA of GIKONGORO which is in the Southern province of our country near a very big natural forest called Nyungwe. After the death of my father and my two brothers, life became very hard for her, especially because they had died of poison, she was not secure that is why she decided to shift from that place and went to her paternal uncle who was living at Ruhango in Gitarama. One may say that it was to my grandfather’s. ! at is where I got my childhood nickname. I was told that at that place of Ruhango, there was a fool who used to go to the district o# ce to accuse people who had eaten his cows (of course no one had eaten his cows it was because of his foolishness). His name was Sedede and I was named after him. I told you earlier that I was a stubborn boy, I used to disturb my brother and he used to beat me.! en I would rush to my grandmother to accuse him. I used to do this every single day. ! at is when they started saying that I behaved like Sedede.! at is how I got the name and I grew up being called like this.

To what I was told, there were misunderstandings between this grandmother (the wife of my Grandfather’s brother) and my mother. ! is is the reason why my mother shifted from Ruhango and went to Birambo in Kibuye where her paternal aunt (considered as my grandmother) was living. We lived there and my mother got a job in a nearby organization of Sisters. ! ere was a sister called Mama Deo who was a good friend of my mother. Time came when the Sister was transferred somewhere else. ! is caused us also to leave Birambo and we went to live at a place called Rubengera.It is there that I grew up because I even started my primary studies there. I was living together with my mother, my elder brother and my grandfather (the father of my mother)

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Chapter Two:1989 STARTING MY SCHOOL

LIFE

I can say here that I was an already grown up child. I remember almost everything that happened to me. What happened before that time was told to me by my mother when she was still alive and my uncle. As I said, I was a stubborn, curious and sociable boy. It was therefore not a problem for me to get accustomed to school life whereas other children had problems and would spend the day crying and wishing to go back home before it was time. I remember my life very well from when I was in primary 2. I was clever, I liked playing football and I was very good at singing. I was a members of a children’s choir at Sunday School. We were trained to sing by Sisters who would put us in di" erent levels according to our voices. For me I was singing a low voice and I was one of those who used to play sketches about the birth of Jesus.

Even if my parents were Catholics, this did not prevent me from growing in a Protestant Church. ! e school I

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was attending was also near the Church. On Wednesday, it was a culture at our school to gather and pray before leaving for lunch. All children at school liked that day and everybody wished to be there and participate. Another day that children liked was Friday when we would do di" erent physical activities like cultivating or collecting co" ee from school gardens. In the last hour we would sing and dance cultural and traditional dances. Children enjoyed that day very much because it was an opportunity for them to talk about this and that. ! is was also a very good day to me as I liked singing and was very good at interpreting songs that were sung by singers.

I remember one day when we were sitting for an exam of music. Every student, following the alphabetical order, would stand in front of students and sing a song that they mastered well. ! e teacher would award marks according to how one had sung and according to how other students enjoyed the song. When it was my turn, I started singing a love song, which was up to date at that time, and it was even broadcast on Radio Rwanda. When my teacher heard it, he stopped me for a while and went to call one of his colleagues who was teaching from an other hall to come and listen. I did my best to sing and when I fi nished, my teacher asked other students to clap for me and he gave me ten out of ten. Singing itself was not surprising. What was surprising was seeing a very little boy singing a song full of sharp love words. ! ey could not understand how I took my time to listen and memorize that song. All these were at the origins of me being loved by my colleagues and teachers. I was even very often named class monitor because of this.

Rwandans say that all things are not perfect! I had a very big problem of hating girls. I didn’t cooperate with them;

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Love Above All

9

I was even punished at least three times a week because of beating them or throwing balls to them. I was beaten by teachers many times because of that mistake some teachers even remember me because of this. I remember one day after the genocide, I met one lady who was my teacher in P5, and we met in Kigali and talked for a while .She was really happy seeing a child she taught had then become grown up. Before we separated, she asked me if I still hated ladies the way I used to hate them. I answered her smiling that I no longer hate them because I then knew their value! She also smiled at me and told me this: “ If you have now known their value, it also requires you to pay attention and behave well.” She added that even if I had grown up,but I hadn’t changed very much I still had that sense of humor. She also reminded me that teachers loved me because I was clever and she suggested that I kept up. Even if my mother was very poor and we lived a hard life this didn’t prevent me from doing well at school. I was often among the fi rst fi ve places. Sometimes I would get home miss my mother and miss food but this didn’t a" ect my performance at school. I knew that my mother struggled for our better life. If she failed,then I had to accept it like that because she really loved me at an extent that she would sometimes, when food was not enough, only drink water for me to fi nd food the following day. ! e situation was really very bad. We hadn’t even where to cultivate for we were not natives of that place.if may be better to give the place’s name since it may have been mentioned far lardier. Even the house in which we were living was not ours.

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Chapter ! ree:MY FAMILY

Who was my Mother?

In all that di# cult life, my mother tried her best just to take care of me. When she was back from fi elds (cultivating for others) whether she had got something or not, she had to know where I was. She would call me trying to fi nd me everywhere and this surprised our neighbors. In normal circumstances, it is not surprising for a parent to take care of their child but for people from remote places deep into the countryside like where I grew up, parents seemed to care less about their children. All they cared about was fi nding food for them and that was enough. It was not the same for my mother. When I reached P5 she was still washing my body and clothes. All these didn’t prevent her from giving the quality of education I was supposed to receive from a parent. I had to go with other children in the neighborhood to fetch water and fi rewood. From this poverty of my mother I learnt something important and this is being patient, accepting and managing life the way it is. My mother was very poor

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but she didn’t do anything wrong to the society. She didn’t beg even a single day. She had learnt to use strength of her arms for us to live because she had not even received much education. ! e highest level of education she had was only primary. Despite all these, my mother was a person with integrity among others and the only tool that she used to arrive at these was accepting and managing every life that appears. ! is is the weapon and tool that my mother inherited me and it helped me a lot as you will see as you read this story.

Who was my Grandfather?

As I said above, I was living with my mother and grandfather. According to what I was told after the genocide, my grandfather had been a traditional leader during the kingdom period known as a “ sous chef” to mean the one who assisted a chief of a given region. When the hatred grew stronger among Rwandans, Tutsi were mistreated and almost all their lands were taken. He was left alone at home after his children had gone. He was left with a small land, which couldn’t help him at all. Later on he decided to sell that little land and follow his young daughter who is my mother. ! is grandfather was very old because by the time he was killed in the genocide he was eighty-two years old (82). He was a smart old man and I think the smartness that I have originates from him because I also like being well dressed following my fi nancial means. He had three suits that he alternated and he requested that they should be kept clean. He also wore glasses and even if he had a stick that helped him to move he was still very healthy and strong. His job was handcrafting traditional straws used to drink banana beer. He was very fond of banana beer and he would take these straws to local cabarets and exchange them with

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Love Above All

13

bottles of banana beer. Above all, he liked praying God very much; he was a Christian in the catholic church. If he was not busy with his straws, he would spend most of his time reading religious books. Some of the books that he liked the most include Martyrs of Uganda, a Christian Book and ! e Holy Bible. Sometimes I would be told that he left for a crusade of the Virgin Mary or he went to pray at Kibeho. If it was a matter of going to Kibeho, he had to spend fi ve days on the way because he had to go there on foot. ! is is to show you that he really liked praying. Even the day he was killed he was praying.

Who was my elder brother?

I didn’t live with my brother for a very long time for when he completed his primary studies, he was refused to continue. He left Kibuye in the western province where we were living and went to Kigali at his uncle’s where he learnt the profession of welding. I used to visit him in holidays. He was very calm and didn’t like people who disturbed him. It wasn’t easy for him to forget the fact that he was denied going on with his studies while he was intelligent. As a result of this he became a drunkard,and that worried my mother. ! e Rwandan policy at that time denied Tutsis’s children to go on with their studies in secondary schools. When they fi nished their primary they had to go in lower professional schools and it was also a sin being a Tutsi again poor. He fulfi lled all the requirements of not fi nding a secondary school in Rwanda. In the evenings after working hours, he used to spend his nights in pubs where he felt free and he often used to fi ght Interahamwe (a Hutu militia group belonging to a political party on power in Rwanda at that time. ! e group had received military trainings and it is this group which killed Tutsis during the genocide) ! ese

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14

Interahamwe were characterized by rudeness and doing all sorts of bad things to Tutsis. My elder brother couldn’t stand all these for he was also strong. My uncle didn’t agree with him, he was always preventing him from fi ghting them. I remember one day when I was in holidays in Kigali with my cousins. My brother took me at CND where RPF soldiers were living. On our way back home my brother also took me in a pub called KIGALI NIGHT. It was said to belong to the former president’s son late Habyarimana. My brother sat on a stool at the counter and he lifted me on another one. He asked the waiter to give me a soda and he took a bottle of beer. Like after two hours came a very short man, he was moving around the place where we were sitting. He was also talking to the waiter as people who knew each other. ! e waiter asked that man if he needed a bottle of beer. He responded that he would prefer drinking but he added that he had nowhere to sit as the counter was occupied by INKOTANYI meaning my brother. My brother asked him who was an INKOTANYI that he was talking about. ! e man said; “ You Tutsis aren’t you afraid? Do you see where you are sitting and you dare saying these words?” He added: “A child resembles his father, do you see such a little boy daring to sit at the counter?” He was pointing at me. I was only nine years old. My brother went out and asked me to fi nish my soda while he was out. ! e other man immediately sat on the stool that my brother was using. He pushed my brother’s beer in front of me. I didn’t know that my brother had already got angry. He was verifying if there were some other people out for him to come and beat that man. He came in a hurry, took his beer and asked me to get out. He took the man o" the stool and beat him with the bottle that he had. ! e man fell down and my brother got out, took me and hurried to the road where we took motorcycles and went home.

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Chapter Four:TWA, HUTU AND TUTSI

I didn’t learn things related to ethnic groups in Rwanda among things I learnt from my parents and neighbors. I fi rst heard about this when I was in P4. It was in a history lesson where we were told that three ethnic groups inhabit Rwanda. We were also asked which group we belonged to. ! ese groups included Twa, Hutu and Tutsi. According to that lesson they arrived in Rwanda in di" erent periods of time. Twas were the fi rst to arrive in Rwanda. ! ey were hunters and they lived in forests. Hutus followed them. ! ey were farmers and we were told that they had a very good relationship with Twas. Tutsis who were the last to arrive in Rwanda had broken this relationship according to the same lesson. ! ese Tutsis are said to originate from Ethiopia, and they came breeding their cows along the river Nile, which have its spring in Rwanda. When they arrived in Rwanda they stopped and settled there. When they arrived, according to the lesson, they became leaders of those who arrived before and started colonizing or exploiting them. ! ey told us that Tutsi were very bad, they considered

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themselves superior to other ethnic groups and so on. Brief, the history that we learnt at school aimed at making these other said ethnic groups hate Tutsis. Each year we were asked our identifi cation; apart from our names, those of our parents and birth time, we were also asked our ethnic groups. Only P1 students are the ones who were not asked such questions because their parents had to answer them at the beginning of the school year.

You are a Tutsi!

In P4, that’s when our teacher asked each of us their identifi cation. He asked Hutus to stand up then Tutsis. As I told you my mother had never told me about my ethnic group before. First, I stood up in a group of Hutus because it was there that many of my friends and neighbors belonged. My teacher knew my family, that’s why he hesitated seeing me in a group of Hutus. He asked me if I was sure of my ethnic group. I said that I was sure but he sent me home to ask my parents because we were living near our school. When I arrived home, I only met my grandfather and asked me why I was early to get home. I answered him that I was sent home to ask him our ethnic group. He laughed and told me to go and tell the teacher that we were Tutsis. I went back to school and told our teacher that we were Tutsis. ! e teacher beat me three sticks on my buttocks and told me never to tell lies. From that moment I knew that I was a Tutsi and I was then standing in a group of Tutsis. When we were told to stand up, we were ashamed of being Tutsis especially because the former government was fi ghting militias who attacked from Uganda. Most of these militias were Tutsis who fl ed the country because of killings aiming Tutsis in 1959. ! is caused some Hutus, extremists, to take advantage of this situation to hate Tutsis who were in

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Love Above All

17

the country. At that time being called a Tutsi was an insult at en extent that someone who wanted to trouble you would call you a Tutsi. ! is situation was the same even in schools. Hutus were very proud to be Hutus but Tutsis were not. ! is had even a bad e" ect on us who were Tutsis.

One day I fought with another child who was a Hutu at school. Of course we fought like other children do; not because one was a Hutu and the other one a Tutsi. I stroke him on the nose and there was nosebleed and he went home crying. After one hour, his father was at my home, very angry, and with a very sharp machete. I was in an avocado tree, which was in the compound at home. I wanted to collect some but I hadn’t started yet. He met my mother outside preparing food. He asked her angrily: “ Where is your son who beat my son?” When my mother saw that machete glittering, he told him that I had gone to fetch water. He added that if he had seen me, he would have killed me. He also added that we were “Inyenzi” cockroaches and left the place. He called us cockroaches because by that time all Tutsis were called so. It was a way of inciting all Rwandans to hate Tutsis. ! ey were also accused to support militias who had attacked the country because they were also named “Inyenzi”. Being called “Inyenzi” had a meaning that you were an enemy of the country. My mother thought that I was at the origin of all these but it was not the case because the government had done everything for Hutu to hate Tutsis. On this she told me to come down the tree and she stroke me seriously.

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19

Chapter Five:THE GENOCIDE

We were in the middle of second term holidays preparing ourselves to start the third one. For Christians, we were remembering the death of our Savior as we were approaching Easter. As a member of a children’s choir at a Presbyterian Church, we were rehearsing songs and sketches about the death of Jesus Christ to be presented on Easter. It was in the morning when my mother got up early preparing herself to leave for farm works. Before she left she also woke me up and asked me to go to fetch water. Water was not from very far from my home because it was in a distance of about one kilometer. It was near a pub of someone called UZARAMA who had a young brother called MAFEDI who was a carpenter near the place where we fetched water. Arriving there I met a group of people most of them being young and few old men. I was curious to know what was going on there. I approached them and they were listening to the radio, which was broadcasting instrumental music. I heard one person among the group saying this: “ May be he was killed by those INKOTANYI who were brought in

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20

CND”(In fact the real name of the militias that we have been talking about was FPR INKOTANYI. During that time they were negotiating with the government in place. ! ey had even been given places in the Rwandan Parliament. ! at’s why they had brought some of their soldiers to watch over the security of their members of parliament. ! is means that militias were already in Kigali- the Capital city of Rwanda and they were the ones who were accused). Another one said: “Tutsis are very serious. ! ey have killed him.). Immediately I heard on Radio Rwanda an announcement saying that the President of the Republic had been killed and that all citizens were required to stay at their homes. I was afraid listening that Inkotanyi killed the President. I knew that we were also concerned because even Tutsis who were inside the country were also called INKOTANYI.

You may ask yourself the reason why I was afraid and yet I was still a child. I remembered two things. One is when my brother came to visit us. At that time my colleague of class told me that he heard his parents saying that my brother had joined INKOTANYI. ! e second thing, I remembered the father of the other child we fought. He had called us INKOTANYI and the same INKOTANYI were being accused to have killed the president. ! ese two things made me afraid. I fetched water and went back home immediately. I found my mother had already come back. She was in a nearby family all confused about this death. It was a particular problem for my family because if all people were asked to stay at home, it wasn’t easy for us because we depended on our mother going out to work and earn our daily food. Only after two days, Tutsis from MUSHUBATI, a neighboring sector, started fl eeing saying that they were being killed and their houses burnt. ! e same evening,

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Love Above All

21

we could stand on high hills and see these houses being burnt.

In the following morning, young Hutus, extremists, stopped some of those Tutsis who were fl eeing and they took one cow from them and ate it. In our region killings had not yet started. Even many Hutus were not aware that the government was supporting these killings that were taking place in other sectors. ! e leader of our sector with other young people started trying to fi nd those who ate that cow for them to be punished. I remember that they arrested one who was called Sosthene and the went to show them where he had hidden meat in the bush. ! ey put the stomach of that cow on his head and started beating him. ! ey found Another one who was nicknamed Komini, they found him in his house where he was hiding. ! ey beat him and he died. A third one called Musonera was found also at his home. He was hiding in the roof. ! e meat that he had brought was already on fi re. ! ey put that pot of meat on his head and took him to the road beating him. ! ey asked him to drink that boiling sauce. In the evening of the same day, Tutsis from another neighboring sector called Gihara also started fl eeing. We were standing on the road from that sector. Among those who were fl eeing, I saw a child who was my friend at school. We were together almost every day for he was really my friend. He was called Claude. I greeted him and he told me how these things started that houses were being burnt and if you didn’t escape they were also killing you. By the time we were talking, members of his family had continued walking. He also left me just not to be lost. All those were going to the o# ce of commune called MABANZA in which we were living. ! e following day, Tutsis of our sector also started leaving their homes going to the same commune o# ce. My mother decided

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22

that we should also leave the place. When he talked to one man who was our neighbor, a Hutu and a cell leader, he told her that we shouldn’t leave. He added that if necessary we would hide at his home. He was called NSHIMYIMANA. ! e following day, killings were already taking place where we were living. We went to that man and my grandfather refused saying that he was very old, that no one would kill him. He thought it was like in previous killings of 1959 and 1973 where sometimes children, wives and old people were not killed. ! at’s why he preferred staying at home reading his religious books.

When I fi nd you, I will kill you

My mother was hiding inside the house and had to spend the whole day inside. For me I used to be outside playing with other children. One day, we were playing and a man called ALOYS saw me. He asked me where my mother was and the reason why we had not fl ed. I told him that I didn’t know. He asked me to tell this to my mother: “ If you don’t fl ee and I see you again, I will cut you into pieces.” I was very afraid and immediately left the place where we were playing and joined my mother inside the house. ! e following day like at 2.00 pm, Nshimyimana came in a hurry and told my mother that he hadn’t anything he could do for us that we had to leave his house. Killers were even searching into houses where they thougth Tutsis were hiding for them to be killed. My mother took a minute of silence thinking. I don’t know what she was thinking of but I guess she was thinking of a long journey ahead in order to join others. It was not easy because other Tutsis were no longer at the commune o# ce. ! ey had been sent at one stadium at a distance of 20 kilometers from the commune o# ce. She took my arm and we got out of the house. Immediately, there was a heavy rain.

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Love Above All

23

It was a rain season that time. We had to pass where people would not see us. We passed through a banana plantation which was there and in a fi eld of sorghum which was near a house of an old man named NYIRUBUHINGWA towards a small forest near a home of my former primary teacher. When we arrived there, my teacher was with her husband standing at the door. ! ey didn’t recognize us because the rain had beaten us very much. ! e husband called us and asked who we were. We turned our faces and my teacher recognized me. she called me in my nickname and asked where we were going. My mother replied that we were going to the stadium where others had gone. ! e husband warned us not to approach the road to avoid being killed because there were already roadblocks. My mother suggested that we hid in that banana plantation and wait for the night. In the night we went back to Nshimyimana’s house and knocked. ! ey asked who were knocking and we kept silence. Nshimyimana came to open and was surprised to see us again. He asked my mother the reason why we hadn’t joined others to the stadium. My mother replied that it was not easy because of roadblocks everywhere in the roads. We entered into the house and met them eating. ! ey brought us water for us to wash our hands and eat. My mother said that she wanted fi re instead to get warm. ! ey took her in the kitchen. I approached other children to eat. I was very hungry but I failed to open my mouth because of the cold caused by the heavy rain that has beaten us. ! ey told me to get warm fi rst. I approached my mother in the kitchen in front of the fi re. I immediately fell asleep. ! ey wake me up, brought food and I ate in the kitchen. After that, they gave us a mat and we slept there. In the morning, NSHIMYIMANA told his children to close the main gate and open another one on the other side of the house. He

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24

also told me and my mother to spend the whole day in the house.

No more compassion

Towards 10 am, I left my mother and went out to sunbath in the back compound. ! is compound was built using sorghum trees. It was easy then to see people passing behind it but for them it was not easy to see you. After like thirty minutes, I saw many people armed in traditional weapons approaching the house we were living in. I was able to see this easily because it was not far from where we were hiding. Just a distance of some fi fty meters. ! ey saw my grandfather reading the Bible. A person named JEAN D’AMOUR cried saying that he had seen Inyenzi(cockroach). ! e whole group went towards my grandfather and stood around him. ! ey asked him where other members of his family were (me and my mother). He told them that we had gone to the stadium. Immediately, JEAN D’AMOUR beat him with a very big piece of tree called UBUHIRI in the chest. Another one called MUPENDA, a young brother of NSHIMYIMANA (the one who was hiding us), arrived and prevented them saying that the man was very old. Jean d’Amour said that they had no more compassion. He added that the one killing a snake doesn’t show sympathy. He beat him twice in the chest and that was the death of my grandfather. Almost all of them left the place leaving Mupenda, Faustin and Nshimyimana who joined them later. ! ey agreed on throwing him in the pit latrine but Faustin refused because the pit latrine belonged to his uncle. ! ey argued for a very long time but fi nally they decided to put him in that pit with all his books. My beloved grandfather who liked praying was killed praying. When I talked to Faustin in 2009, he himself told me that refusing that they throw my grandfather in that pit latrine was not

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Love Above All

25

love or compassion instead he wanted to save the space in that toilet! Mupenda together with Nshimyimana left after killing my grandfather. Faustin entered in the house and took my school bag and a saucepan. He didn’t fi nd there many things for we had taken them to Murenzi’s house (the father of Nshimyimana). Remember that we were also very poor. ! e situation became worse when they found in my schoolbag a booklet talking about RPF INKOTANYI. Its title was “AMAHAME Y’UMURYANGO FPR INKOTANYI”(Principles of RPF INKOTANYI) ! is was a militia group that was fi ghting with the government. ! e majority of its members were Tutsis. I had borrowed this booklet from my colleague of class called UWIMANA. No one among members of my family knew that I had it. Many people were surprised to see the booklet and all wanted to know its content. One of them said my mother and me had to be found and killed by all means because we knew many secrets of INKOTANYI. It was a very big problem for my mother and me that evening. ! e same day young men including Faustin, the one who had found the booklet and ATHANASE passed near Murenzi’s house shouting that SEDEDE (me) and his mother were hiding at Murenzi’s that they had to be brought and killed because they were INKOTANYI. Luckily, we were not there; instead we were at his son Nshimyimana. ! ey immediately went to an old man called NYIRUBUHINGWA to eat a cow belonging to a Tutsi called KAYUMBA. He had left that cow when he was preparing to take refuge. In other words, that cow saved us because after fi nding it they didn’t pay much attention on us to be brought and killed. ! e following morning, that’s when we heard that those who were in the stadium and in the Catholic Church had been fi red using guns and grenades.

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As time went on, killers got more and more dangerous. And we were also being told about Tutsis killed here and there. ! e time came when they searched in houses of Hutus they thought could hide Tutsis. ! is is the reason why Nshimyimana told us to leave his house and go to hide to his father Murenzi. It was not far. We went there, but we didn’t spend much time there because extremists were saying that another Tutsi called GAKWAYA,who used to pray with Nshimyimana’s mother, was hiding there. We started spending the day in bushes and go to that house in the evening to eat and sleep. ! is also didn’t last because killers started searching these houses even during the night. ! at’s when we started spending the day and night in bushes. We also started eating non-cooked food like bananas, potatoes, sorghum trees and others we could fi nd where we were hiding. Days after days, killings became intense and a big number of Hutus joined these extremists and participated massively. At that time, Hutus to trust were very few. We had become animals because for us the day was very bad. We preferred the night and the rain because extremists couldn’t look for Tutsis under the rain. Again during the night, they searched in houses not in bushes. ! e only problem was that for us the day had become longer than the night. We used to hide in banana plantation near our home. ! ey started then searching there and my mother decided that we should change and go to hide near the river called NTARUKA. ! is was separating my sector Rubengera and Gihara. My mother used to go to cultivate there before the genocide. To reach that place we had to go down a mountain called KAMPEREZO. We hid in bushes on the bank of that river during the day, during the night we had to go up the mountain to fi nd a family that could give us food. ! en we would sleep in banana plantations waiting fi rst hours of the morning for us to go back to the river. One day, it rained

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Love Above All

27

when we were in that bush near the river. ! e river fl ooded and reached where we were hiding. It was necessary for us to leave that place and go up the mountain. We reached a home of one man who was a believer in an Adventist church. His name was NARCISE, ! e rain was so heavy that nobody could walk under it expect us who were like animals. We entered that house and inside we met his son called DAMASCENE. When he saw us, he was very afraid but showed us where to sit. ! e rain stopped in the evening. ! e chief of the family arrived and he met us in the house. First, he didn’t recognize us for we had spent more than a month living in the bush, being beaten by the rain, sleeping in the mud and without changing clothes. We were like fools. To recognize us he had to come closer. ! at is when he asked: “Are you still struggling for life?” He added that almost all Tutsis had been killed. He told his son to light a fi re for us to get warm. ! ey also cooked for us; we ate and went to bed. Towards the morning, we got up early and went to our river. When we arrived, the river was still overfl owing. We went back and saw a pit caused by water fl owing down that mountain called KAMPEREZO. When it rained, water on that mountain was very strong that it hit soil and passed underground to reach the river. ! e day was going to meet us out that’s when we decided to enter that pit. We went through it like a distance of ten meters and stopped there. Being underground, it is not easy to have an idea of time. I had to go near the opening time to time to check if it was night yet. We were surprised to see that water had reached where we were sitting in that pit. After ten minutes, water was so strong that it could even take us to the river. We started going back in the direction where the opening of the pit was. We had to go in the opposite direction of water otherwise we would fi nd ourselves in the river. It was not easy to get out of that hole. Even today I don’t know how

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28

we managed to get out. We sat on the opening of that pit for some time. We were very muddy like pigs. We had to sit there waiting for the night to come and being washed by the rain. In the night we went up the mountain but now on its left. We reached a house of someone called YOZEFU. He was a Hutu and he had a child that we studied together. His other three children were in the children’s choir I told you at a Sunday school. We entered that house and met the mother of those children. He took us in the kitchen for us to get warm. She sat at the door of the kitchen preventing all children to get inside. When she fi nished cooking, she gave us food and told us to spend the night there. But we had to leave very early in the morning to fi nd elsewhere to hide. It rained the whole night. My mother told me that we could go back neither to the river nor into the pit because the problem of water was still there. We went to hide in the banana plantation of another man again called YOZEFU. ! is one, his wife was a Tutsi and she was a very good friend of my mother. We spend the day in that plantation and in the evening we went to their house. ! ey put us in the kitchen to get warm; we were given food and we spent the night there. ! e following day, we did the same as the previous day. In the night, YOZEFU told us that INTERAHAMWE had said that they would come to kill his wife. He suggested us to come, eat and leave in order not to be found at his home. It was a way of protecting his wife, who was also a Tutsi, because if we were found there INTERAHAMWE would get good reasons to kill her. Wives who had Hutu husbands were not killed fi rst, but they would be killed later after the burial of their president, according to INTERAHAMWE. But this didn’t prevent some of these wives to be killed before. Such husbands had to behave in a way that was not to let INTERAHAMWE kill their wives. ! ey put our food in a plastic bag and we

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Love Above All

29

returned in the banana plantation where we had spent the day. ! e whole night, killers were moving in a path that was near, hunting in houses where they thought they could fi nd people hiding. ! at plantation was not a secured place because people most often children used to pass there to pick avocadoes. ! ere were many avocado trees. Near, there was an old woman called DOMINA. She was a widow, Tutsi who had a husband who was a Hutu. Interahamwe had not killed her. She told us that she couldn’t hide us because there were persons who used to pray from her house. She feared that we could be the cause of her death. She put us in a house that was still being built. It had a roof but no doors. We spent the day and the night in that house. ! e following day, someone came running towards that house. We stood in the corner just not to be seen. She heard our movement and she was also afraid. We knew that she was a young sister of that old woman called MUKARUGABA. she was also hiding near that house. ! ere was a path near the house and it hadn’t doors. ! at’s why my mother told me that we would leave the place the following day because it was easy for everybody to get inside and see us. Early in the morning, we went in the banana plantation that was near the home of my primary teacher I talked about earlier. ! at day, it rained and snowed cats and dogs the whole day. I tried to cover myself using a banana leaf but it was no use. In the evening, we had to leave that plantation. When my mother tried to stand up, she failed because of spending the whole day sitting and the rain on our shoulders. Later on, she stood up and went. We were really exhausted. We had only eaten two pieces of Irish potatoes in two days that we spent in the other house. We took a direction towards a house that was near. It was a house of a woman who was a hearing impaired. She was living with her daughter. We knocked and the daughter opened. She saw us very wet, but I could guess she knew that

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we were Tutsis who were still hiding. She welcomed and showed us where to sit. My mother said that she wanted to stand for a while because we had spent the whole day sitting. Fire was o" and they were about to eat. She lighted fi re again, gave us food and we all went to bed. At that moment, we heard cars carrying INTERAHAMWE. ! ey were saying that once all Tutsis were extermnated, they would live peacefully. ! ey were also calling other Hutus to kill Tutsis because the world and its content belonged to Hutus. ! at girl told us those INTERAHAMWE were back from killing Tutsis who were at BISESERO. ! e rain had stopped. We weren’t afraid because it was late in the night; probably they were also tired and needed to rest. Killing at that time was taken as other jobs. It was even called “Gukora” meaning “to work”. ! e girl showed us where to sleep but asked us to leave early in the morning to avoid being found there in possible searching the following day. It was not a problem for us because it was already part of our life. In the morning we left but we changed the direction. We went back near our house in the banana plantation of Nshimyimana, our neighbor. ! ere we had a serious problem: People came to cultivate near where we were hiding, among them, there was a young man who was Interahamwe. He was even among those who went to kill my grandfather. One may say that God was with us. We were sitting in a pitch dug to prevent soil erosion. We had brought there some dried banana leaves to cover us once necessary. We lied in that pitch, covered ourselves and small insects started stinging us. We kept quiet to avoid being seen and killed. Luckily enough, towards midday, it rained, these people went home and insects stopped biting us. It rained until late in the evening. But to say the truth, it was not easy for a day to fi nish. We went to Murenzi’s house, stopped behind the compound near the kitchen. We saw his daughter called UWAMUKIJIJE and

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Love Above All

31

my mother called her in a low voice. She recognized us and was surprised to see us alive. May-be they thought we had been killed because it was a long time without going there. She called other members of her family to come and greet us. ! e mother asked them to bring us food. She added that we should leave after eating because Interahamwe would meet us there. At that time, Interahamwe were coming to their house almost everyday because they were said to hide Tutsis. I had in my pocket a plastic bag that I would use in case someone gives us food. I took it out of the pocket, they put food for us and we left. ! ey told us not to hide near the compound because, before searching in the house, interahamwe had to search its surroundings. We went back into the banana plantation where we had spent the day. On our way, we heard movements of someone and we ran away. I didn’t know how the plastic bag broke and the food was lost in the way. I realized that it was empty later. We sat in the bush waiting for the one who was running after us and he never turned up. We even waited for someone who could cry but no one did. We realized that it was a dog’s movements. We prepared our bed using dried banana leaves and slept. ! e night was very short during the whole period of genocide.In the morning, we did not leave that place. We waited for the evening for us to go back to Murenzi’s. At that time we didn’t fi nd food because they had already eaten. His wife was very sad because she could not fi nd anything for us to eat. She entered in a room and brought dry sorghum grains in a bowl. She told me to bring plastic bag and we used it to keep these grains. Even if that bag was broken I didn’t throw it. I had tried to repair it during the day. people were running out of provisions in food. People were not cultivating. Some were busy killing and they lived on what they took from Tutsis, others thought that Inkotanyi would take the country without them harvesting. We went back but we couldn’t

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even eat these grains because of chemicals preventing insects to spoil them. We had to wait until we found water to wash them. ! at was the second day without eating. We spend the night there and the following day we were late to wake up. When we woke up, the sun was already strong, and near us were shepherds looking after cows. We were unable to move because of fear. We couldn’t even fi nd dirty water to wash the grains. About 10:00 am, in a distance of like one kilometer from where we were, we heard people crying that they had seen a cockroach to mean a Tutsi. ! e shepherds hurried towards where people were crying. We didn’t also delay to leave that place because they were coming in our direction. We passed near Nyirubuhingwa’s, and we took the direction of the forest near the home of my primary teacher. People were crying here and there. At that time, Interahamwe had even brought dogs to help them hunt Tutsis where they were hiding. For us the heaven had fallen. We were running but we had neither where to hide nor a defi nite direction. It was really hard for us. Imagine two days without eating or sleeping appropriately. Again, we were very tired and worried. Imagine People crying here and there and dogs hunting you! Even when birds cried, we thought it was just because of us!

Let us arrest them; they are Tutsis.

When we arrived in the forest, we met the young brother of my teacher’s husband who was called HITIMANA with their shepherd. ! ey were looking after cows in that forest. When they saw us, they cried very much and saying “Let us arrest them;they are Tutsis”. My mother told me that we should take di" erent directions to avoid being at the same time. ! e shepherd ran after me and HAKIZIMANA after my mother. I ran towards the co" ee plantation that was near

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Love Above All

33

that forest. I was so fast that the shepherd didn’t catch me. I returned to the banana plantation of YOZEFU. I spent the rest of the day there and in the evening I went to his home. ! ey asked me where I had left my mother. I told them what had happened and his wife said that she had heard of two persons killed near a professional school that was there. I started crying thinking that no doubt my mother was one of those two. ! ey took me in a room, showed me where to sleep but I failed to sleep the whole of that night. I was thinking about my mother’s death and how I was the only one remaining. ! e night was characterized by such thoughts that I didn’t sleep. ! e fact that my mother would have been killed didn’t mean that I had to stop hiding. Instead I had to wake up very early in the morning and go into bushes to hide as usual. In the morning, the young sister of the wife of YOZEFU came to wake me up before it was morning. She asked me my plastic bag as to give me food I would eat during the day. It was left in the co" ee plantation when I was being run after. She promised me to come and see me in the banana plantation bringing food. I left that place being very tired because of not eating and the sorrow caused by my mother’s death. I was tired physically and mentally. In the banana plantation I slept very deeply and I was woken up by cries everywhere. I heard someone saying that “Abakiga” had come. ! ese were Interahamwe from the region of high mountains. ! ey were more dangerous than those of our local area. ! ey were interested in searching houses for them to take the belongings of the family where they could fi nd a Tutsi. But they had to go where local people showed them because they didn’t know the place. ! ere were Hutus who didn’t want to take active roles in killings but who were directing these Interahamwe pointing at houses where they thought Tutsis would be hiding. People were crying near where I was. I stood up and started running. I was very tired

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and hungry that I was being brought by the wind. I went back in the co" ee plantation and luckily I found my bag with sorghum grains. I took it and went in the pit that was dug to prevent soil erosion. We hid there sometimes. Remember we had not eaten these grains because of chemicals dangerous to human beings. Still I couldn’t fi nd water there, yet I was starving to death. I opened the bag, started blowing on these grains as a way of cleaning them and I started eating them. ! ey were very hard that I had to keep them in the mouth for sometime to be wet. I the evening they were over. I went to MURENZI’s again and I stood behind the compound where we used to stand waiting for food. I called them in a lower voice. ! ey were surprised to see me alone. ! ey asked me where my mother was and I told them what had happened. ! ey said that she might have been killed. I gave them the bag, they gave me food and I disappeared from there. I went in the banana plantation, sat down, ate and slept. ! e following day, ABAKIGA came back. People cried here and there then I stood up and went to a bush in which we used to hide with my mother. When I got in it, I saw my mother lying as a dead body. I approached and touched her. She moved and unable to talk she asked me if I were still alive. She knew that I had been killed the day we separated our ways. I also told her that I was thinking that she had not escaped that day. It was her fi fth day without eating. She had even failed to eat green bananas that she had with her. She had a serious problem. She had been wounded by a piece of tree in the thigh and the piece was still inside. She was unable to move. In a very low voice of someone tired, hungry and full of sorrow, she started telling me how she escaped HITIMANA who wanted to kill her. When she was running, she fell in a pit that was in the banana plantation. ! e one running after her didn’t see the pit. He thought she was still running. When she saw that the guy had continued,

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Love Above All

35

she covered herself with dried banana leaves in that pit which was not deep. After one hour, that’s when she realized that a tree, which was still inside, had hit her and her clothes were covered by blood. In the evening I left my mother and went to someone called KABERA to ask for food. I was given food very quick and they were very afraid because that man had a wife who was a Tutsi. I left and joined my mother. We started eating but she failed to continue. Later on, and wind very much. It was about to rain. Down the bush, there was an old man called ZEFANIA who lived there. We went there and waited for them to go to bed. ! ey had a kitchen without doors. We entered and luckily fi re was still there burning. We sat near the fi re and it is there that I was able to get that piece of tree out of my mother’s thigh. While I was doing this, it was very painful that she cried very much. People of that house heard the cry, came towards the door of the main house but luckily they didn’t get out. I had a small jacket and I used it to prevent her from continuing to bleed. I took some ash just to cover blood. Early next morning, we went back to our bush.u

cosh.

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36

HITIMANA and I.

37

Chapter Six: My Mother’s Prayer.

My mother seemed to have lost hope of life. She continued praying. She used to pray like this if I try to translate,“ Lord our creator, even if we are sinners you know that we are being killed for nothing. But if you see that I am towards the end of my life, I request you to protect my son and receive me in your kingdom.” She prayed like this almost every day. My mother asked me to do my best and hide because she had to remain in that bush for she couldn’t move. She feared that we could be killed at the same moment. So I had to hide elsewhere and come to see her in the night. Towards 2:00 pm we heard Interahamwe with their dogs hunting Tutsis. My mother told me to leave the place. I passed in the same co" ee plantation and there I found a girl called JOSEE. She was living with a nurse called EDOUARD. She was together with a boy called MODESTE both hiding in that plantation. I continued again my way towards the banana plantation of YOZEFU. ! ere again, I found a child called NATANI. He was a shepherd of the same nurse. He was also a Tutsi and he was

ecst every

de because n’t

om

becausmove. Smen

ove.

me iay

f my lifi

nothif

if we athin

e thop

se of l


38

hiding. We hid together the whole day and he stared telling me how he went back to his home and met only dead bodies. He seemed to have some mental problems because of the death of his relatives. He was never at one place. He was moving here and there and I was afraid of these movements that’s why I asked him to keep quiet for us to hide. In the evening, I went to see if my mother was still alive. Remember that I had left her when there was Interahamwe coming in her direction. I found her there and I went back to Murenzi’s to tell them that she was still alive. ! ey gave me food in the same plastic bag, I went back to see my mother and we ate. One may say that my plastic bag it had become a metal! I had been using it for two months carrying all sorts of food and everything we put there had to smell as if it was spoiled because it was itself spoiled. In the morning, my mother asked me to leave and go to hide elsewhere I went back in my banana plantation and met NATANI again. For him he had to go where he worked before and slept with cows. He told me that cows have become his friends. He showed me a tree in that banana plantation. We climbed up and hid there. We got tired very quickly soon and we didn’t stay there for a long time. He told me that he had ten Rwandan francs that he wanted to go to a place called “Imihanda irindwi” to mean seven roads to buy an avocado. ! is is a juncture of seven roads. It was like 500 meters from where we were. I told him not to go but he refused. He told me that he had even gone to his native place that was very far and he came back. He told me that I had to fear nothing that would be back. When he got out of the banana plantation, in the road to the Presbyterian Church, he met someone called DUSHIMIMANA. He was a good model of INTERAHAMWE. People said that only three people were missing in order for him to have killed a hundred people. He had a machete and he stopped him. I was seeing them

an

theay there fo

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thered

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astic nth

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Love Above All

39

from a distance, so I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Immediately someone called NKIKO come. He was living at that place. He asked DUSHIMIMANA what he was still waiting for. He took the machete in order to clean the place (killing that boy) according to him. DUSHIMIMANA took legs and NKIKO the head. He covered the mouth of that boy, stepped in his chest and then cut o" the head. ! ey cleaned their machete using clothes of the dead body. NKIKO put the dead body in the pit to prevent soil erosion then put some soil and that was the death of NATANI. It was my second time to see where someone was being killed. I stayed there until it was night. I went to YOZEFU’s, they gave me food and I went to join my mother in her bush.

In the morning I went in the same banana plantation and spent the day in the same tree. A boy called EUGENE; his father was a nurse, passed there from grazing cows. He greeted me and continued his way. He was a very good friend of mine. We studied together and we used to go to the cinema together. ! e family of this boy was also Tutsi. During the second republic, Tutsis were mistreated that is why some of them had changed their identity to get access to some benefi ts like studying or getting jobs. It was the same for this family; they were Tutsis who had become Hutus. ! is didn’t prevent Interahamwe to destroy their house and kill the eldest child. After a short period of time, Eugene brought me bananas. I started eating them throwing leftovers down. After one hour, someone called ATHANASE and his fi ancée called NYIRAMANA passed there. His mother was YOZEFU’s sister. When they arrived under the tree they saw all these banana leftovers they raised their eyes in the tree and saw me. ATHNASE had a gun and asked me: “Do you live here?” and I said yes. He told me to stay there that there weren’t any problem. ATHANASE

to

g twhy some

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Hu

hy somss to some sam

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tudher. !

ueddied

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beinEFU

ii


40

knew me very much because I used to spend the day at his uncle YOZEFU. ! ey left but I was very afraid and I decided to leave that place too. I went down, moved down a bit, lied down and covered myself with dried banana leaves. After thirty minutes, the INTERAHAMWE called DUSHIMIMANA came with a machete. He looked up in that tree, didn’t see me and he left. In the evening I went to bring food and joined my mother. I told her how I was going to be killed and she told me that I had to stay with her the following day. At 9:00 am of the following day, people came to cultivate in the co" ee plantation that was near our bush. After a while, we saw a big snake from a hole that was near us. It was like two meters long. I was very afraid and approached my mother. She whispered telling me not to be afraid. ! e snake stayed there for a long time. Towards midday, it came in our direction. My mother shook me against the soil preventing me to move. It passed in front of us very quickly to the co" ee plantation. When they saw it they ran crying and they didn’t come back. My mother told me that she was spending the day with that snake. After like three hours, that snake came back and entered into its hole. My mother was not the same. She was tired but she was not afraid. She tried to talk to me and her face was very clear. And she seemed to tell me things from the bottom of her heart. She told me: “May be killings will stop or God will help you to fi nd your brother in Kigali. Don’t become a drunkard like him. He will teach you to work but don’t learn from him to like beer. Be wise. Try to fi nd friends and live peacefully with everybody because you never know who will be important to you. Even if we are being hunted to be killed at least sometimes there are friends who give us food. It is because I have been living with them peacefully. Listen and help those who need your help as you can. Don’t forget to advise one another.” When she fi nished telling me

ai

ury mother w

t aAnd

S

mothafraid. Shd sh

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as shat sn

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Love Above All

41

this, she said her usual prayer she used to pray. It rained at that time until late in the evening. In the night, my mother told me to go back into the other kitchen that was near.to ZEFANIA’s home.

I left my mother and I went to MURENZI’s to ask for food. ! ey put food in my plastic bag and came back. When I was preparing to get inside the compound, I saw my mother surrounded by fi ve men. ! ey were talking to the girl in that house through the window. ! ey told my mother to go and they followed her. I lost interest in life and I said I would know the death of my mother. I left them to go and I went behind them. ! ey took her in the road near the old man called NYIRUBUHINGWA. When they reached to a wife called ABUDIYA four of them entered into the compound then the one called FIDELE nicknamed MAPIRONI stayed with my mother out. I was seeing them from a distance of like a hundred meters. I was hiding against stones that were on the road. I don’t know what my mother told him before the boy hit her with the back of the machete and my mother fell down. After a short moment, those four came back and MAPIRONI told my mother in a frightening voice to stand up and go. (After the genocide that is when the mother of that house told me what my mother had told MAPIRONI when he hit her.) My mother was telling him: “ Serve God and let me go I beg you do not kill me; at least I’ ll be cultivating your fi elds.” My mother stood up and ! ey took her in the road leading to a place called RYANYIRAKABANO. ! ey were moving slowly because my mother’s thigh was still paining. When they arrived where this road joins the one of KIBUYE-GISENYI, the one called BIMENYIMANA took my mother on the other side of the road then this MAPIRONI said that it is was not accepted to kill a Tutsi without raping her. ! ey started fi ghting with my mother

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42

trying to take o" her clothes. Of course she couldn’t defeat them they ended up by raping her. When they fi nished, the one called JEAN D’AMOUR who was sitting on the road told them to bring her to the road. My mother asked them not to kill her naked. She asked them to let her at least put on a skirt. BIMENYIMANA brougth her dress after they told her to lie down on the road. She obeyed and BIMENYIMANA hit her twice with a very big piece of tree commonly known as “ubuhiri”. JEAN D’AMOUR, the one who killed my grandfather, also slaughtered her with a sword. My mother cried only once. I turned and went to a house that was near. I sat behind the compound waiting for these killers to leave. I wanted to go and see if my mother would be still breathing. ! ey stayed there for sometime planning for the following day but later they separated and went away.

After the fi ve men left,I went to a small forest that was near a house of someone else that was my teacher. Her name was BEATA. I used to go there to play with her children who were my friends. I hid in that forest. It was still in the night. ! e following day, in the morning, I saw a dead body of a girl near me in the same forest. Her head was cut o" and they had placed “igisongo” (a sharp piece of bamboo tree that they used to kill) in her sex. It was not easy for me to recognize her for she hadn’t a head. Towards midday, three dogs came and started eating that dead body. I couldn’t do anything because there was a position of Interahamwe near and a pathway used by so many people. I stayed there and these dogs left when they were satisfi ed. I cant’ forget that picture; it frightens me even today. In the evening, Beata’s children were playing football.

! e ball came towards where I was hiding. ! e youngest

me

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Love Above All

43

came to pick it and saw me. He stared at me and wanted to come and greet me but when he saw leftovers of that dead body he was very afraid and went back running. After a moment their houseboy came and told me that my teacher wanted to see me. I went there, she gave me bananas but added that I had to leave that forest because Interahamwe used to go there. So they could fi nd me there and kill me. It was in the evening and I immediately heard people crying at a place called Imihanda irindwi. I went where I could see what was going on. It was a girl that they had found. ! ey had put her in the road. I was at a distance of like 200 meters. Interahamwe called NSENGIMANA searched her and took o" the piece of Kitenge that she had fastened on her belly. He then stroked her with a hummer on the face and she was down. ! ey left her there struggling with the last breath. I turned back waiting for the night to fall so that I could leave that place. I went to MURENZI’s and they were aware of the death of my mother because she was killed and left in the road. I spent this time the night and the following day inside their house. We heard that Interahamwe would search this family second night. ! at is why I went to spend the night in the banana plantation. I stayed there fi ve days but eating from Murenzi. ! ere was a pathway in that plantation and as time went on it became frequent. Many people were using it. I decided to shift from there and go into another plantation of banana that was near my school. Apart from this, people were aware that me, Josée and Modeste were still alive hiding in those plantations. ! ere was a child nicknamed TOTO. He was a Hutu and we had studied together. At that time, he was spending the day moving around these plantations and bushes to fi nd Tutsis who were hiding there. Once he found a Tutsi, he would hurry to inform DUSHIMIMANA who rewarded him for this according to what people said.

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44

I once heard his voice together with someone that I didn’t recognize. I immediately left that banana plantation and went to school. I passed through the playground and went to sit behind the class of p6. Towards 2:00 pm people came to play in that playground. I thought that some of them may come my way and see me. I moved down a bit and hid in the pit to prevent soil erosion that was near the road. After like two hours, DUSHIMIMANA came with four Tutsis. When they got near where I was, he told them to sit down. He started killing them using a machete. No one of them cried. It took him like fi ve minutes to fi nish killing them. After he left all these dead bodies lying there. Many people came to watch and this frightened me a lot. I left there and went down the Presbyterian Church that was there. I used to pray from there and I was in the children’s choir. I wasn’t walking in the road instead I was down it. ! ere I saw someone who was not fully killed. He was still breathing and he was half buried. I took away soil on his head and when I tried to talk to him, he didn’t respond and I went on.

I sat in the bush behind the Church. After like thirty minutes, children came to play in front of the Church. I had to leave again to avoid being seen. I went down through the banana plantation and I arrived near the house of hearing impaired woman. In that plantation, I found a girl who was also hiding. She was younger than me. She was like eight years old. I sat next her and she gave me one of two bananas that she had. We didn’t greet one another, at that time we had become like animals. After like fi ve minutes, two dogs passed down the road running. ! e one that was in front had a head of a person. When they got near us like in twenty meters, they started fi ghting just to own the head. ! e head had its hair; it was easy to say that it was a woman. ! e girl whom we were together was lying for a while. I told her to

ain

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thepeop

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Love Above All

45

get up for us to go away from those dogs. When she saw that head, she immediately said that it was her mother’s. She added that she didn’t know that she was dead. I tried to cool her down saying that may be it was someone else’s head but she refused saying that she had even recognized her teeth. I went on telling her the opposite also watching over those dogs to see if they were not approaching us. When I looked at her, she was already sleeping against a banana tree. I tried to wake her up but in vain. In a moment I heard someone moving in that plantation. I woke her up without success. I left her there and went in the forest that was not far from there. I sat there waiting for the night to come. In the night I went back to see if the girl was still alive. I didn’t fi nd her and I went to MURENZI’s to ask for food.

After eating I went back in the same banana plantation and spent the night there. ! ey told me not to go far from their home so that they would be able to bring me food. I started spending the day in the banana plantation that was there under an avocado tree that was surrounded by sorghum plantations. During the day they brought me food there and in the night I would go home to eat from there. After some days, they were no longer coming to search in their houses so I started spending the day and sleeping in the house. In the following days, I heard that there were French soldiers who had established a position in a secondary school called Groupe Scolaire de Rubengera. People were saying that Tutsis who were still alive would go there to be brought in RPF (Rwandan Patriotic Front) positions. ! ey asked me if they would bring me there and I refused. I said that I would stay there especially because Interahamwe were fl eeing to the DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo) that was ZAIRE at that time. Besides I was aware that Inkotanyi were about to arrive in our area.

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46

Before the genocide, when I went for my holidays to my uncle in Kigali, I heard him talking to another man that French Soldiers trained Interahamwe. ! at is why I refused to go where they were. Hutus refugees who were said to have escaped Inkotanyi were then spread everywhere. ! is because when soldiers of the government that was on power at that time and that supported killings lost the war, called all people to leave the area. I was then able to go out because Interahamwe who knew me had already left the place. ! e time arrived when all these Hutu refugees most of whom were Interahamwe, left for the DRC and those who thought to be innocent returned to their native places that were taken by Inkotanyi. Brief, INKOTANYI had stopped the genocide.

NYI hplach d

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47

MURENZI's wife and I.

49

Part Twoart TwT

51

Chapter Seven: AFTER THE GENOCIDE

An eleven year old boy, who had lost his family, who had seen all sorts of bad things, who saw the death of his mother, who had seen people being slaughtered like animals to be eaten, and so many other bad things. You can say that it will be hard for such a boy to be helpful to himself and others. You are even allowed to say that he may become a terrorist or a doer of all sorts of bad things. I thing that if you live in developed countries you would take him in institutions giving special treatment to traumatized people. You can also think of taking him to an orphanage where he would fi nd other children. May-be playing with them can be helpful to him. I agree with you all these can be helpful to someone who knew bad situations like me but what would happen if all these were impossible? Does it mean the end of his life? Or it means pretending to live when you are not living? ! is would be what Rwandans call “Gupfa uhagaze” to mean dying while standing up.

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r badb

ng slaud th

o sawh

lothst hi


52

Su! ering Does Not Mean " e End Of Life

After the genocide, there was a very serious hunger all over the country. In my opinion, three major things caused it. ! e fi rst is the genocide. A very big number of Tutsis had been killed and survivors were there but with no hope of the future, even some of them had left their native places. Second, some of Hutus had spent most of their time killing without cultivating and those who had not participated in genocide also didn’t cultivate and yet this was the main activity of Rwandans. ! ey were afraid of possible war and were always ready to fl ee. For this, what mattered for them was life on daily basis. ! ird, a big number of Rwandans had fl ed to DRC ( Democratic Republic of Congo). All these things caused that food shortage.

! e family in which I was living trying to start a new life was facing the same problems of lack of food. To make matters worse, it had a very big number of the family members. It had sixteen members and I was the seventeenth. ! ere was the old chief of family and his wife, their two daughters, one son and their ten grandchildren. It was not easy to manage and feed such a big family after hard times like the ones we had lived in. Sometimes we had to drink porridge only because we couldn’t fi nd food. One day, the old mother told me about the problem. She told me that it was not easy to fi nd food. She added that even if my mother was poor she tried to fi nd food for me. To that she added that there was somebody who wanted a boy to look after his cows. He suggested that I went there to see if bad days can pass. She was begging while telling me this. I had no other alternatives; I had to accept because I myself realized the problem. ! e following day that is when I left and went to someone called IRIKUMWENATWE who was living with

uc

of ftheir ten g

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Love Above All

53

his sister. I started a job without a salary, but I didn’t stay there for a long time.

Shepherds with whom I was spending the day had the ideology of genocide. ! ey were not afraid of reminding me that I was a Tutsi. ! ey even sometimes called me “Inyenzi” to mean a cockroach. I decided to go away from them avoiding being killed especially because I had seen how killing someone had become a game. ! e only solution was to go back in the previous family. I explained what had happened to the old mother and agreed that I would stay there. After one week she found for me the same job but this time I was to be paid. I was somehow happy because it was possible to get some money instead of working for food.

Remember I hadn’t heard any news about my brother, uncle and cousins who were living in Kigali. I had in mind that they were still alive. I thought killings happened only in Kibuye. I was looking at how I could join them so that we live together. When I got that paying job, for me I had started my way to Kigali. I had to fi nd a ticket by all means. Few days later, I got where I was supposed to work. ! e owner of that house told me that he would be paying me fi ve hundred a month. ! is is the equivalent of almost one American dollar. Even if I was given food and accommodation, still that amount was very little. But for me what was important was my purpose and I had to achieve it. In the fi rst days my boss accompanied me just to help me to the pasture get accustomed but after one week I had to go alone. I had to meet other shepherds and most of them were my age. Some were looking after cows of their relatives and others were working for money like me. Most of them again were children who had never attended school whose behaviors were not good. ! ey would spend the whole day

ow

myns. Few da

! g me

ne

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A

wnfive h

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hoat ho

ing inought

newsn Ki

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workppy b

i

me joec

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54

insulting, fi ghting one another and they were very dirty. I was very di" erent from them. I was someone who had been taught to be clean, especially because in my childhood I used to spend the day with my grandfather who was clean and smart. I had two shorts, one shirt and one t-shirt. I had to wash myself each time I get home from work and I had to make sure that my clothes were clean. I was not aggressive the way they were. All these made me totally di" erent from them. Some even hated me for this. One of them told me that their colleagues had told him that they would throw me in the river because they had known that I was a Tutsi. When I got home, I told my boss that I was about to leave because other shepherds had bad plans for me. He soothed me telling me that they would not harm me but it was too early to forget people I saw being killed. Telling me that you can kill me to me this was very easy to understand because I had an experience. In the following morning, I left and went back to Murenzi’s. ! e old mother asked me what had happened. I replied that I got the same problem. She told me to stay at home because she couldn’t do anything else. Schools were about to restart. At that time the daughter of that old woman came and told her mother that she had a neighbor who was a primary school teacher who wanted a shepherd just for his children to go back to school. She lived at a place called NYARUGENGE. ! e old mother replied that I had to go there. I accepted because of my plan to go and see members of my family. I had to do all I could to get money. In the evening of the same day I left with that daughter to that place where I was supposed to work. It was like fi ve kilometers from my new home. She left me there and went to her home that was near. When I got there, I knew one of the children of that family that we studied at the same school before genocide.the chief of that family was

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Love Above All

55

called NDINDABAHIZI ! eoneste. ! e Mother of that family started asking me di" erent questions including:

How old are you?• Eleven• In which class were you when you stopped your • studies?P5• Do you have parents?• Non• When did they die?• My father died when I was very young and my • mother died during the genocide.What kind of works can you do?• I can do everything. He laughed when I said • that I could do everything.You say you can do everything, how much • would you like each month?I do not know. You will pay me according to • how you will have appreciated my job.

He asked one of his children who was following our conversation to keep the plastic bag that I had. It contained my clothes. He also told his other son to bring cans for us to go and fetch water. He then asked me if I could carry two cans and I said that I could. Sincerely speaking I had never carried even one because I used to carry the one of fi fteen liters. Here I was accepting to carry two, each having twenty liters, to make fourty all together. It was not easy but I had accepted that just because we had agreed on paying according to how I would work. I had to show them that I was a hardworking boy. Water was found like in three hundred meters but I got home very tired as if shoulders were broken because I was carrying them in my hands. In the following morning, I went with the other boy of that

. H

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56

house just to show me where their cows graze. He only did this for two days because after he had to go to school.

! ese are things I was supposed to do each and every day: getting up early in the morning, going to fetch water, grazing cows, at midday when I was back I had to look for grass on which cows had to sleep, sometimes I also had to cut fi rewood before it was 3:00 pm, time for me to return to look after cows. I had to come back home at 6:00 pm then go to fetch water and that was the end of the day.

! at family was living in an agglomeration where houses were grouped together. In the evening all children would come to gather in front of our houses. ! e chief of that family liked talking to children that is why they liked him and they would come to gather there waiting to listen to what he would tell them. I also sometimes participated in those conversations when my house works were over. I knew almost all of children of my age because we studied at the same school before the genocide. Even those I didn’t know they knew me because I was a football player and I was one among players of school team. I was also a singer in the church. All these made me known by many children. By that time I didn’t talk very much. I had completely changed. I was someone calm and who talked only when needed. I could even spend the whole day without saying anything. It was easy for those who knew me before to realize that. During that time, if I was not busy thinking about things I saw in the genocide, I would be thinking of ways to get to Kigali to fi nd my relatives because I was convinced that they were still alive. It is even the only reason why I had decided to work hard in order to get money. ! ose children among things they talked about life at school was one of the

l t

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. Ame I

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Love Above All

57

things. One day when I was not there they talked about how intelligent I was and how I was loved by teachers for this.

59

Chapter Eight: YOU MUST GO BACK TO

SCHOOL!

One night we were eating and " eoneste(my boss) called me. He told me that children had told him that I was intelligent at school. I didn’t add anything to what he had said and he asked me if I still liked to study. I said that I liked it before but I no longer liked it. He was not happy with me but he added that I should like it again. I said that I might like it again with time. Another day he called me again and we sat somewhere alone. He gave me reasons why I should like school again .

He also told me that it might help me to forget hard times I went through. After one month instead of paying me he told me to get prepared to go back to school with other children. I was shocked by this news because my plan to go to Kigali to fi nd my relatives was about to fail. By the time he was telling me this, they had already brought someone to replace me looking after cows. ! e one who was my boss had then become my new parent. I went to school unwillingly.

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After two weeks, I was at home and then a woman passed there. She saw me and recognized me. She was a friend of the mother of where I was living. She told her that she knew me because she used to see me in Kigali at someone called GERARD (he was my uncle.) He also told them that all members of this family had been killed, that there was no one left. In the evening after eating, they told me that they were going to tell me something that would hurt me. For me I thought nothing could hurt me after all bad things I had witnessed. ! ey told me what the other woman had told them. I was very shocked and I went outside to sit on a bench that was there. After a while all members of that family were surrounding me. One of the children tried to soothe me and asked me to stand up and go to sleep. I cried very much that even neighbors came to see what was going on. ! e eldest daughter began blaming her mother that she made a mistake telling me this. ! ey asked me to go inside the house for people who were gathered there to go. I spent the whole night sitting because I couldn’t sleep.

In the following morning, I failed to go to school instead that is when I went to bed and woke up very late in the evening. I had lost hope of life. I thought of what I could do but I failed to get one. I had gone back through hard times. I couldn’t eat. I spent two days sleeping and getting up when it was time to pray. Members of that family were very good Christians of the Catholic Church. Every night after eating it was a habit to take time to sing and pray. I respected to pray because my mother’s prayer during the genocide had touched my heart and I can’t forget it even today. I learnt from it that when you pray believing, you get what you had asked. When we were being hunted she always prayed God to protect me against hands of killers and her prayer was

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Love Above All

61

answered. I began praying asking God to give me humanity again and to help me bear hard times I had gone through.

My new father had never given up asking me to go back to school. Again I thought about when my mother was praying for me to be protected, she just wanted me to live. I also thought about things she had asked me to do once I was not killed: to learn from my brother good things, not to become a drunkard, to help those who need my help and to seek advice from my brother. My brother was no longer there so I had to follow these two things: not to be a drunkard and to help people who would need my help. ! ese things comforted me and I decided to go back to school. After one year I was in p6 where I had to sit for an examination allowing me to go on with my secondary studies. I succeeded the exam but the other boy who had become my brother didn’t. We were happy but not very happy because of his failure. His parents sent him in a private school whereas the government had sent me in a school that was at a distance of twenty kilometers from where we were living. I had to travel all these kilometers on foot. ! ey had bought for me a pair of kaki trousers and a white shirt. ! is was the uniform of all students in government schools all over the country. ! ey also bought for me a towel, a plate, a folk, ten notebooks, three pens, slippers, a bag in which I could carry them, a bucket and mattress. I put the bag on my back and I held the bucket and the mattress in my hands. ! ey wished me a safe journey and food lessons. I had to climb up a very high mountain called SAKINNYAGA, but this was not a problem I was happy to study in a secondary school. I didn’t know where the school was built. I had gone only to the stadium when we went to burry Tutsis who were killed there during the genocide. ! ey had told me that once I would get to that stadium everybody would show me the

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62

way to school. I did what I was told and a businessman near the stadium showed me the way.

I Was Not Well Received At School.

When I arrived at school (ETO Kibuye), I fi rst arrived where there were administrative premises. I was the fi rst among other newcomer. Two gentlemen were sitting there on a bench. One of them asked me if I was a newcomer and I said yes. ! e other one immediately told me to kneel down. I obeyed and he asked me to carry what I had brought while kneeling. He asked me to creep up to where sick people stayed. He told me to stand up after I had put down all my materials. He boxed me and I was down on my back. He stepped on my chest and told me very angrily: “! ey are chasing us out and you are coming?” Another gentleman who had heard of my arrival also came to trouble me. Looking at me he recognized me immediately stopped the other guy from beating me. He said that I was from his place. He took me to his bed and called all boys from his region and introduced me to them. ! ey were famous and known in the school that’s why nobody could harm me any more. In the evening, there were so many newcomers and I was named their chief by continuing students because I was the fi rst to arrive at school. ! e following day we started studying.

Like A Star At School

I had a very good start, and I got 91.5% at the end of the fi rst term. I was the fi rst among forty students. In the second term I had started getting familiar with other students and I was once again sociable as I was before. Many students liked me and suggested I would join their clubs. ! e fi rst club I

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Love Above All

63

joined was the one of SCOUT because it was stronger than any other clubs at school. Besides, its members seemed to be smart, clean and sharp. I had to alternate Scouts’ activities and playing basketball. All these were extra curricular activities. In my second form, members of modern dances and drama club asked me to join their club. ! ey wanted me to be in the drama part but I liked dancing. I think they wanted me there because I was a sociable boy and with a sense of humor. I had talents to show in that drama group according to them. I accepted but I also requested them to allow me sometimes to participate in dances and they accepted. It was not something easy participating in all these activities after lessons. I couldn’t’ even fi nd time to rest. I had become famous and everybody knew me. I had become a star. At the end of the year, I had bad marks: I got only 60%, and the reason was that I was busy doing other things instead of studying.

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65

Chapter Nine:GOING AWAY FROM ADVICE

In my third form, the situation became worse. Marks I was getting were not satisfying at all. ! e reason was participating in many activities as I said above. In addition to all these activities, I was also asked to become the class representative. Even the teacher who was heading my option of automobile mechanics asked me the same. After few days of deep thinking, I decided to stop some activities including being a member of the drama club and dancing this to assume other responsibilities which were assigned to me. I was only fourteen. I remained then a scout, a basketball player and a class representative. I t was not easy but I had decided to manage them so as not to spoil my studies. ! ere was no problem with this; the biggest problem arose when I joined a group of children who were drunkards and started drinking. You can ask yourself where I got money to buy beer while I couldn’t even fi nd a ticket to take me to school. I told you everybody liked me and I always had invitations to go and share beer with them. I would go with one group today and go with another one the following day. It was my

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fi rst time to drink beer and it tasted sour but I had to drink just to avoid being laughed at by my colleagues. I was not good at drinking because only two bottles of MUTZIG were enough for me to be drunk. One day we were from holidays of the second term and my colleagues had a lot of money. We went to a pub and started drinking. After fi nishing two bottles one of them said that he was going to buy for us whiskey. To show that I was mature, I drank it and they left that place holding me in their arms because I was unable to walk. I was vomiting along the way to school. When we got into our bedroom many children gathered there to see me in that very alarming situation. I got into my bed with clothes and shoes. When I woke up very late in the night, I realized that I was wearing shoes. I got up silently to take o" those shoes without being seen by anybody. I didn’t know that they had seen me before going to bed. In the morning, everybody came to see how I would get up with shoes but they were all surprised to see me without them. ! ey asked me when I had taken them o" . I was very ashamed and couldn’t answer them. ! e problem was that no one of them advised me to stop drinking; instead they were telling me that very soon I would get accustomed. I fi nished that year with very bad points, only 52%. I had gone beyond what my mother had told me before she died. She had insisted on I should avoid being a drunkard like my brother.

I Was Afraid

Among our neighbors, there were some other secondary students but who were older than me. We would spend the day together during holidays. One day we went to visit someone who was a driver in a company called China Road and Bridge Corporation. He had received his salary and he bought for us beer and I went home being drunk. In a

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Love Above All

67

family where I was living, no one drank beer and by 7:00 pm everybody had to be at home. For me I was very late to get home because it was 10:00 pm and I was drunk. ! e mother came to open for me and she asked me why I was late but I didn’t say anything. She also asked me if I had ever seen the chief of the family coming home late like I did. To this I told her that it was because he had nowhere to go. She told me to enter and she closed. In the following morning, she called me and repeated what I had said the previous night. She did this in front of all children and she added that I was among old children there that I had to be a good model. I bowed my head on the table thinking about these words and I apologized saying that I would never drink beer again. I took a machete and went to fi nd grasses for cows. When I got in the banana plantation where I had to fi nd these grasses I sat down and thought of the words I had been told by the mother that my mother had told me once again especially when I was told to be a good model. ! ese reminded my mother’s advice when she was about to be killed. I thought if that behavior would help to respect my mother’s advice. My thoughts took me back in the genocide. I saw a picture of my mother advising me and from the bottom of her heart. I was very afraid and started weeping. I was alone in that banana plantation but I felt guilty because I had not obeyed my mother. I decided to change my behavior. ! at is why I stopped being a scout when I went back to school and I joined a group of students who liked to pray. Everybody could notice that I had completely changed. Remember I had bad results in the second and third form. ! is also had an impact on my results in the fourth year and the diploma itself was not good.

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69

Chapter Ten: HE WAS MY TRUE FRIEND

I left ETO Kibuye with a diploma known as A3 in the option of Automobile Mechanics. ! e diploma was on a very low level. After, one had to go and get an A level. At that time schools which o" ered A level in my option were only found in KIGALI, the capital city and all students had to study and go back home in the evening. It is clear that to study there you needed a family that could accommodate you. For me it was not easy because I knew no one there. All members of my family had been killed during the Genocide. For me, my studies ended there. I had to look for a job and say bye to school life. I found a job in a Chinese garage. ! ese Chinese were constructing a road from Gitarama to Kibuye. I was paid very little money according to my degree; Only 500 Rwandan francs a day. ! is is the equivalent of almost one US dollar. I was in charge of car batteries. We were not given appropriate clothes. We wore our own and they were quickly torn because of the acid. At the end of the fi rst month, I was paid 14,000 Rwandan francs because I was absent twice. I paid the restaurant where I used to take my lunch and I

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remained with 4,000. I bought a pair of trousers and a t-shirt and the money was over. I realized that this money would not help me at all. Instead it might cause misunderstandings among us. Imagine working for money and unable to buy at least a t-shirt to my new brothers. I decided to leave that job. I couldn’t spend the whole day sitting. I had to do some housework. I started doing the job I had been doing before I joined school. If I wasn’t looking after cows, I had to go to cultivate with other farm workers. I started saying that there was no use studying. I realized that my mother had asked me to do the impossible. She had asked me to help those who would need my help, yet I hadn’t hope in me to fi nd that possibility of helping anyone. After one year in that kind of life, I met someone called THEOBALD who was my good friend when we were at school. We had both attended a wedding ceremony of a senior colleague of ETO KIBUYE. He was going to marry a girl of our region. We talked for a long time and I told him everything about my life after we fi nished studying. Even if he was a native of a place called CYANGUGU, at that time he was living in KIGALI the capital city of RWANDA with his sister where he helped her in her business. He promised me to ask her to let me live in that family so that I might continue my studies. After only one week, he came back telling me that both his sister and his brother in law had accepted. I had to get prepared to go back to school. After two months, I went to Kigali and started studying. From where they were living to my school, there was a distance of 10 kilometers. I had to get up early in the morning in order not to be late because I had to go on foot. It was not easy on one hand, but on the other hand it was a good opportunity to achieve to what my mother had asked me to do. For me, I wished not to ask any other favor from that family because giving me the accommodation was some thing very great. But I

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Love Above All

71

was mistaken because there were things that were necessary in life. My greatest problem was fi nding clothes. I started looking for some small temporary jobs in town. Remember that I had some knowledge in electricity. ! is contributed to my failures because once I got a temporary job I had to fi nish it fi rst before I went back to school. I could sometimes attend school only twice a week.

72

! eobard,His wife and I

73

Chapter Eleven: PLEASE, TELL ME WHERE MY

MOTHER IS

After RPF had stopped the genocide it set the Government of Unity of Rwandans. Among its priorities, it had to burry dead bodies of Tutsis that were spread everywhere in the country. It was easy to burry those who were killed at one place like in stadiums, churches, schools and other public places. A very big problem was to know where those who were killed one by one in bushes, forests, banana plantations and elsewhere. To fi nd and burry them was a serious problem. Many killers had fl ed to the DRC, former Zaire, and those Hutus who were still in the country didn’t want to show where Tutsis were buried.In my opinion, they were afraid of being accused to have killed these persons. ! ere are some Tutsis, survivors of genocide, who didn’t fi nd dead bodies of theirs to be buried in the respect and honor that a person deserves. For me I thought it would be easy to fi nd my grandfather and my mother because I knew their deaths and the place where they were killed. When our administrative sector was preparing to bury Tutsis who were killed, I also

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decided to bury members of my family. We were in holidays. I knew that my grandfather was put in a pit latrine but even if I knew the place where my mother was killed, I didn’t know where she was buried. I started asking people. I thought it would be easy because she was killed in the road where many people lived but it wasn’t the case. I tried to ask Hutus who were living there and they showed me a big banana plantation and didn’t show me the exact place. Together with other children, genocide survivors, we started digging in that banana plantation to see if we could fi nd her. It was hard because it was just digging without knowing the exact place. We spent there three days digging and without success yet it was about time of the burial ceremony. I decided to give up and go to fi nd my grandfather in the pit latrine where he was thrown. Hutus who were living there came to help us. It was a deep latrine that we found him in twelve meters deep. I was sitting near the pit. Even if I knew that he was already dead but I really wanted to see him again. I thought only seeing his dead body would relieve me. I kept on approaching the pit to have a look but they would tell me not to approach to avoid dirty mud from that pit latrine. I was there with the same children, survivors of genocide, people of that place and two old Hutu women who used to pray with my grandfather. We heard from the pit people asking their colleagues to pay attention not to break his bones because they had already reached him. I immediately approached the pit to see. ! ey held me in their arms to comfort me. One among those who were in the pit found books and he said that he might have been killed reading books. I told them to throw those books up. ! ey were two: ! e Holy Bible and A Christian Book. Papers were already spoiled but back covers were still fi ne. After a while they also found his rosary in his hands. One of these two old women they used to pray together told them to leave it in his

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Love Above All

75

hands. ! ey took him out of the pit, and to say the truth, it was only bones in clothes. His knees were bent, his two arms were together and his hands were holding the rosary. I was unable to say any words only tears were down pouring. I took the rosary, wrapped it in a handkerchief and gave it to one of these two old women asking her to pray for him because he was their friend. Immediately, a young boy came running and told us to hurry because they were waiting for us in order for the burial to start. We put his clothes apart and his bones in a bag then we went to join others where the ceremony had to take place. My grandfather was the oldest among 900 people who were buried that day because he was 82 years old. It was an important action for me and I felt relieved but still the fact that I had not found my mother was another problem.

When my holidays were over, I went back to Kigali to go on with my studies. At school there was someone who worked in the headmaster’s o# ce and he looked like someone I knew but couldn’t remember who and where I could have seen him. I approached him and told him that he resembles someone I knew but whom I couldn’t remember. He asked me where I came from and when I told him that I was from KIBUYE he laughed and told me that he had never been in KIBUYE even a single day. He added that he was born in Kigali and he lived in a place called GIKONDO. Saying that he lived in GIKONDO I immediately remembered him because he was my uncle’s neighbor. My uncle was even his son’s spiritual father. I told him how I knew him and he asked me if I lived with my cousins. I told him that they were all killed and that no one survived. He told me that I was telling lies and he added that only Gerard, my uncle, and his youngest son TUTU died. He also told me that other children were living with their mother at a place called UMUMENA. I

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asked him if he knew my elder brother because he was no longer living with his cousins. He was living at his own. He answered that he knew him because he used to live at my uncle’s and he added that he was the fi rst Tutsi to be killed in GIKONDO. He was killed the same night when the plane of the former President HABYARIMANA was fi red. He was killed near his home at a place called MBURABUTURO near a football playground. I told him how I learnt about their deaths and he also told me the right place where I could fi nd my cousins. I didn’t sleep that night and the following morning I didn’t go to school.

I got up early in the morning and went to see my cousins. I was very happy and curious to see them again. It was eight years after the genocide knowing that they were all dead. I didn’t have any problems to fi nd the house because the other man had directed me well. ! ey were all surprised to see me and the mother asked me if my grandfather and my mother were still alive. I told them about their deaths. I spend the day there talking to them and I went back home in the evening. Sincerely speaking, I had gained something great in my life because fi nding one of your family after the genocide was a miracle.

Every holiday I had to go to KIBUYE to see if I could fi nd where my mother was buried. I spent three years searching without success and I had started losing hope of fi nding her. In 2004, I was with my colleagues, survivors of the genocide; we took o" our shirts and started digging in the banana plantation I was talked about before. We started at 8:00 am and stopped at 2:00 pm. We went home and agreed on meeting the following morning. On our way going home, a child came running and said that he wanted to talk to me. I listened to him and he told me that he

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Love Above All

77

wanted to tell me where my mother was buried. He told me that he heard people saying that my mother was buried near a tree that was in that banana plantation. He was telling me this secretly as if people who said that didn’t want that I bury my mother in respect and honor that she deserves. I told this to my colleagues and we immediately went back in the banana plantation. ! e boy asked us not to reveal the one who told us this. We surrounded that tree and started digging. One of my colleagues dug twice and he exclaimed that he had found her. Another one asked us to pay attention just not to spoil her bones. When people around that place saw us coming back, they also came to watch standing in the road. One of my colleagues approached and told me not to weep in front of these persons because they were not there because of love. I realized that he was right and tried to retain my tears. We started packing her bones in a bag that we had brought but we missed a bone of one of her legs. I didn’t pay much attention to this because I had seen dogs eating dead bodies of Tutsis even unburying those who were not properly buried. I thought it was the same case with my mother. I put the bag on my shoulders and we went home. I had to wait for the whole week because there was a collective burial scheduled to take place. To me a burial day was a mixture of happiness and sadness. I remembered how my mother was killed on one hand but also I can’t forget the sorrow I had of not burying my mother in a respect that she deserved as a mother. For me I had to thank God because I had found her.

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My cousins and I.

79

Part " ree

A Way To Forgiving.

I failed to fi nd something that I can compare to genocide. It is an act full of extreme bitterness and that is followed by very bad consequences. After the genocide, there were too many problems that resulted from it. ! e youth were much a" ected by these consequences than old people because old people know how to manage life the way it comes. For us, young people genocide survivors, we faced hard times. Some of us were in orphanages; others like me were in host families. Most of us were traumatized being unable to accept what happened to us. Some started using drugs, others became street children and others lost the taste of life after knowing that they were infected AIDS by Interahamwe who raped them during the Genocide. Apart from these problems, we always met people who had planned to kill us even if they failed. ! e time even came when the government released some of killers beginning by those who were under 14 years old followed by those who were very old. It was possible to meet someone who had killed members of your family, what was not easy to bear. For me I had a very heavy burden in my

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heart that my mother left me before they arrested her to be killed. She asked me to help in my possibility whoever will need my help. ! is was a very big problem for me. I even consider her words as my protecting Angels that God gave me to prevent me from falling into the trap of hating those who hurt me in one way or another. To say the truth I was a young student and I was not rich to help anybody. But I had learnt from my mother to be patient and to manage life the way it comes. I used this as a weapon to face all these post genocide problems. I was also able to help some of my friends. As I told you, young people survivors of the genocide had very many problems but the most serious was to fi nd someone whom we would tell our problems and what happened to us during the genocide. Specialists in traumatism related problems say that if a traumatized person fi nds people from his family to talk to; this helps him because at least they knows that they listen to him/her with pity. ! e same if they talks to someone they share the experience of life; this also relieves him/her. Most of young people had this problem because many were left alone or they were two and both having this traumatism caused by hard times we were experiencing even after the genocide.

For me I didn’t experience this problem of traumatism because of di" erent reasons: I had learnt from my mother to be patient and manage life the way it is, after the genocide I lived in families that liked to pray and I had also learnt to pray and tell everything my God. Here I felt I could do something for my colleagues and friends. I used to listen to their problems and advise them. ! is was at the origin of my election to be one of leaders of an association of young survivors in the province of KIBUYE where I was in charge of discipline. Here I had to listen and handle di" erent serious problems. An example was a case of a young daughter who

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Love Above All

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was the only one left in her family. After the genocide she went to live at her aunt who had a husband who was a Hutu. Her cousin impregnated her. She was only eleven. After this, the husband of her aunt decided to chase her from his home. He did this as a way of protecting his son who was said to have impregnated this young girl because he might be jailed accused of rape. ! e girl went to live at one old woman who lived near the market. Her job was to sweep the market in order to fi nd food. After this girl gave birth she also started doing the same job of sweeping the market. She left school like that. Even if I was one of their leaders, I was still a student like many of them. ! ey didn’t consider the strength of the problem and I didn’t know why they thought I could fi nd a solution to that problem in order to help the young girl. We were in holidays and I spent the whole week thinking of what I could do to help this colleague of mine. I thought of taking the case into courts to accuse the boy who had impregnated her and his father who had chased her. I also thought of how it hurts growing without a father. I had an experience so I felt pity of his children. I decided to talk to this girl to take the child back to his father that is at her aunt’s and after I would fi nd how to take her back to school. ! e girl accepted and I started to talk to her aunt. Here I was trying to show them consequences they would face if they were taken into courts. ! ey accepted to take the baby and I also had to fi nd a family that could host,e.g: Jeanette,the young girl I have been talking about. I asked someone called Domina, also a genocide survivor, to take her at her house. She accepted then I started to fi nd documents allowing her to go back to school. ! ese documents had to allow her to study being supported by a government institution in charge of helping poor genocide survivors commonly known as FARG. She started studying living at Domina. ! is is an example of problems that were exposed to me by colleagues

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or I would even hear about these from here and there. All these problems that I had to handle increased the hatred I had for those who participated in the genocide. But the only thing that saved me is that when the genocide was stopped, I lived in Christian families and I also had that gift of managing life the way it is. ! e fi rst old woman that we lived together was an Adventist who liked to pray and the second family that took me back to school were members of the Catholic Church ”as I said before”. ! ey liked to pray very much that every evening before we slept we had to gather in order to sing and pray. ! ey always prayed for me to bear what happened to me. Still I had not found an explanation to why my family was killed and I hated all those who killed mine and who had thought of hurting me. With praying, I knew that we had to live and wait for God’s judgment. I considered greeting or facing these persons as a big mistake. When I was about to meet one of them I had to take another way to avoid meeting him and for me it was a way of trying to be innocent just because I avoided creating problems by uttering harsh words to that person. To me this was a problem because I had to change my program or be late because of taking another way. To him again he was always afraid and it wasn’t possible for him to fi nd an opportunity to tell me what he thought or ask for forgiveness.

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Chapter " irteen: TRUE FORGIVENESS

As I grew up in ages I also grew up in thoughts and I was able to distinguish things important to me and to others from these which are not. I spend too much time thinking that Hutus in general are killers. I shared the same views with many other survivors of my age. ! is was noticed in conversations that we held among us. We used to say that all Hutus are the same, that they all killed and even the one who didn’t kill was happy because of Tutsis’ death. We had such feelings because of bad things we had witnessed. We saw our families being killed in shocking manners, we saw babies killed by their mothers who had husbands who were Tutsis, and here I can give you an example of that girl called Jeannette. Her mother was a Hutu and when the genocide started she told her husband and children to leave and join their relatives to mean INKOTANYI. She also told me how her mother threw a baby that she was carrying on her back over the fence. Jeanette who was about fi ve years old took that baby and started carrying her. ! e baby died on her back where she was hiding in the sorghum plantation.

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Because she was also a baby, she didn’t know that the baby was dead. She realized this when she was already spoiled and started stinking.

We saw husbands killing their wives because they were Tutsis, we saw children killing their mothers because they were Tutsis and so many other bad acts that caused us to think that all Hutus in general were bad. We didn’t even attach much importance to some Hutus who helped us during the genocide. Most of us were hidden or fed by Hutus. Even after genocide there are Hutus who showed us love. I can give an example of the old woman ADELINE who received me immediately after the genocide and the other family that took me back to school. One day, in a family in which I was living in Kigali, a boy called Jean de Dieu (this is an older brother of ! eobald, the one who took me in Kigali) we slept together and he woke me up. I t was like 3:00 am. I was very angry with him because I couldn’t understand why he would wake me up at that time. I sat on my bed and he started apologizing because he had woken me up. He told me that he was going to tell me things that he had in his heart since he knew me. He told me that he knew well that my family was killed during the genocide and I was the only one left. He said that even if we had very good relationship that he was ashamed to hear that Hutus killed Tutsis. He said that he had to apologize just because his ethnic group did such bad things. To me these were very hard words and I consider this action as great courage; brief it is total humanity. ! is helped me to start understanding that the problem was not the ethnicity itself instead the problem was individuals’ understanding. Whether you are a Hutu or Tutsi, black or white, Christian or Muslim without bearing in mind what you are, you can have good or bad ideas. All these depend on the way people understand

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things. ! at is why you will fi nd people of all kinds in all categories of people. Here I had reached another step: hating Hutus who took active involvement in the Genocide and loving those who didn’t participate in the it.

A Good Word Is As Good As God

A “word” is something precious though many people consider “actions” more valuable than words. Nevertheless, “words” pave the way of “actions”. A bad word predetermines a bad action whilst a good word leads to a good action.

A man named BAGOSORA was once a very high military o# cial in the second Rwandan Republic, the same one government that organized genocide perpetrated against Tutsis. Once he was from the peace accord between his government and the Rwanda Patriotic Front (RPF), he declared: “I am returning to Rwanda to prepare for the Apocalypse”

Currently, genocide researchers have so far considered BAGOSORA as the chief visionary of the genocide despite the fact that he did not use any machetes to slaughter any Tutsis or use his gun as a high military o# cial to shoot somebody for being a Tutsi. However, due to his speech and that of his fellow leaders, more than one million (1M) Tutsis were exterminated. ! is demonstrates the potency of a bad word.

Bearing this in mind, it is evident that consequences of a bad word are far dissimilar to impacts of a good one as stated earlier. It is also true that the evil is more quickly spread than the good though the latter prevail over the former. ! is is why each and every person, either a leader or a normal

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citizen, should always strive to use words that value them and inspire their community. I know the worth of a good word for the reason that I read it or heard it or else because it was addressed to me.

I have been on the forgiving process for long and besides the word of God that helped me out in that long journey, good speeches of late or live individuals played a signifi cant role. Sometimes, I could think I was born in a bad country and my problems derived directly from it. Nevertheless, the speech of the former US president John Fitzgerald Kennedy aroused my attention to consider my country: „Ask not what your country can do for you -- Ask what you can do for your country“ ! is speech undoubtedly put me up in the aforesaid process. Furthermore, Desmond Tutu’s book entitled “No future without forgiveness” has truly inspired and encouraged me in the long forgiving process. ! ese inspirations were fi nally complemented by two cheering speeches that often told me that I am “the hope of my country” and that I am the “seed of hope”

You Are " e Hope Of Future Rwanda

When I got in RTUC (Rwanda Tourism University College) where I had to continue my studies, only after three months I thought of beginning an association of students survivors of the genocide against Tutsis commonly known in French as AERG (Association des Etudiants Rescapes du Genocide). ! is was an already existing association in other schools and higher institutions of learning but our college was still new and it hadn’t clubs that joined students yet. AERG is a strong institution well structured up to the national level. It has a national headquarters in charge of coordinating activities of all schools and universities throughout the

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country. I was invited in many meetings on the national level as a coordinator of the association in RTUC. We were sometimes even invited by the government to share views on its policy of unity and reconciliation of its people. Even today the government of Rwanda keeps on showing that young Rwandans survivors of the genocide have a great role to play in the reconciliation of Rwandans. I can give an example of a speech of His Excellence ! e President of ! e Republic of Rwanda Paul KAGAME, when he was addressing Rwandans and the whole world. It was on 07th

April 2009 when we were starting the mourning week on the fi fteenth time. He said that even if AERG is made up of children who faced hard times, they are well organized and have a vision. He added that they had shown great patience and that they were the hope of Rwanda.

I think you all agree with me that when someone thanks you, it is also a way of assigning you with more tasks than what you were supposed to do. It means you have to work harder than you used to. ! e fact that I was among those who were thanked made me happy. But I also realized that I had some other tasks to assume that would help all Rwandans in general. ! is gave me courage in the struggle I had started of forgiving those who killed my people.

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You Are Seeds Of Hope

On 9th April 2009, IMBUTO FOUNDATION, that was created by the fi rst lady Jeanette KAGAME, organized a workshop for young survivors of the genocide from all over the country. People invited were representatives of others. I was also invited to represent AERG/RTUC. We were about 1000 persons. ! e theme for the workshop was “15 years and the Re-birth of a future generation.” ! e ceremony to launch this workshop took place in SERENA HOTEL. ! e following are some of messages that were given in this workshop:

" eodore SIMBURUDARI1. , the president of IBUKA (an association of survivors of genocide against Tutsis.) said: “You, young people who got the chance to survive the genocide against Tutsis, you have a very great duty to assume. You are not allowed to relax, you have to work harder than you may think because you have to accomplish your responsibilities and those of yours who were killed and you have to be the light of survivors of the genocide in general.”" e president of UN ONE FAMILY 2. RWANDA said: “Reconciliation does not replace remembering the past. It should instead help in avoiding this bad past to happen again. For me, I lay my hope in young survivors of the genocide against Tutsis reminding them to be able to take fi rm decisions aiming at their welfare. UN ONE FAMILY RWANDA agreed to work hand in hand with IMBUTO FOUNDATION in giving hope to this young people. I wish that truth, justice and forgiving build your country.”

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Minister of Youth, Protais MITARI 3. added: “Young survivors of the genocide against Tutsis in Rwanda have to be on top to lead other young people in the process of building the country and they can also change minds of old people characterized by the ideology of genocide. Remember that the President of the Republic thanked you. ! is should give you hope and confi dence.”Pastor Antoine RUTAYISIRE4. talked about “Recapturing a Dignity Lost” in these words: Being an orphan itself is not a problem; a problem is how you behave in this situation. But also undergoing extreme animosity has so many consequences like:Loneliness• Not trusting others• Losing hope• Extreme melancholy• Losing interest in life• Losing faith.•

! e most important among these things is losing faith. He also told us about two steps to overcome VICTMHOOD which are:

To recover wounds and putting down burdens • of the past.To have a vision: yours and the one of your • country. Here he said that once you want to get your value back, fi rst look at your vision, do things after behind and interests you intend to get.

! e following are 4 steps of a worthy life:

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Desire• Decision• Discipline• Determination•

! e following are questions you should ask yourself:

What vision do I have for my life?• What am I doing to achieve it• ?How is the country I would like to live in?• What am I doing for my dreams to become • true?

Esther MUJAWAYO 5. said: “it is true that you su" ered very much but this is the right time to build yourself. If you are swimming in a swimming pool and you reach the bottom, is there anything else to do apart from going back above the water? ! is means that you have faced the worst moments. What is remaining is to struggle for your best life.”

" e First Lady Jeanette KAGAME 6. in a voice full of love and pity, she addressed us in a long speech full of advice. “When one looks at you, they fi nds in you many things which happened to you, but there is hope in you. It is even the reason why Imbuto Foundation chose to call you “Seeds of Hope.” ! ese are what we wish you to do:

To rebuild in you hope that you are worthy • persons.

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To build in you powers every one of you on • their own.You must be seeds of tomorrow’s hope.• Keep on working hard in everything you do.• ! ose who study, study to succeed, avoid being • thugs, thieves and prostitutes.

I thank everybody with a good will to help you. We request you that we agree among us that you become our true Seeds of Hope. ! ese are some of words that constituted the speech of the fi rst lady Jeanette KAGAME on that day. At the end of that speech, almost everybody was about to weep because of emotions. ! is workshop lasted fi ve days.

“You are the hope of future Rwanda” and “You are seeds of hope” ! ese words deeply touched my heart and evicted my thoughts about my hard and terrifying past. I used to think that my country owed me much for taking away my family but since I heard those words I started thinking that I owe much to my country; that I have to prevent atrocities I had experienced from happening to any other persons. ! is e" ectively helped me in the forgiving process I had started and I decided to spread it through writing.

When I tried to talk about unity and reconciliation of Rwandans with my friends, very few of them took it seriously; others seemed to accept just because they don’t have choice. Another group said that what was important was that Hutus accept that Tutsis are human beings and have the right to live as Hutus also have that right. For me this is very possible especially because it is the policy of our government. It had even established laws punishing whoever can hurt another just because of them identity; what is di" erent from situations in previous governments. But even

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if things were like this, it would not be a way of setting free minds and hearts of many Rwandans. Instead, it would be a way of favoring selfi shness. If things are like this, the development of the country will slow down and hatred will increase among citizens and remember that it was the origin of the genocide in which more than one million Tutsis were killed in a very short period of time of 100 Days.

Even if we su" ered very much in our country, it doesn’t prevent us from loving it and wishing all the best to happen in this country. We must contribute to its development by all means without anybody to force us, otherwise it would be like throwing a way the baby carrier that carried you or cutting a branch of a tree while sitting on it. I agree that any person should know that citizens of a given country not only benefi t from its good fruit but also share su" erings once they are there. ! is is why each of us, in their possibility, has to do their best for the country to have peace. It is true that in countries like ours that knew hard times of genocide Justice is needed. But above all, people have to ask for forgiveness on one hand and forgive on the other hand. To me forgiveness does not replace justice, and justice does not exclude forgiveness. Nothing replaces the other. Instead, both asking for forgiveness and forgiving help justice. It is easy to ask for forgiveness when you have killed by accident or after fi ghting with someone trying to protect yourself. But I tell you, it is not easy for someone with hands full of blood of innocent people to repent and ask for forgiveness. We have a very good example of someone called Judah in the Bible. He was one of Jesus’ disciples. He liked money so much that he betrayed Jesus Christ knowing that he was innocent. He knew perfectly well that he had not committed any crimes. After Jesus’ death, Judah killed himself and I can assert that he knew about the love of God. It was possible for

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him to be forgiven. But due to the fact that he had betrayed an innocent person, his heart became like a stone and he chose to die. To me, if he had got an opportunity to meet his colleagues, disciples, they would have told him about his crime and he would have repented. And we are told that it was a big loss to miss Judah among other disciples because he was a very good manager.

May the genocide perish forever because it is an act full of extreme animosity. It is even not easy for people who participated in it to ask for forgiveness from the bottom of their heart because it requires courage. If they repent, it is a way of escaping punishment. Chains lock up their hearts with two keys held by two di" erent individuals. ! ey and their families that have the responsibility to convince them to ask for forgiveness hold the fi rst key. ! e person who was hurt during the genocide holds the second one that is more important than the fi rst. ! is key is to forgive the killer and if necessary you do it face to face.face

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I Am More A Rwandan " an Being A Tutsi Or A Hutu.

(I am more a Rwandan than I am a Tutsi! I am more a Rwandan than I am a Hutu!)

! ese are my words and some of young people when I asked them about the problem of ethnic groups after the genocide. I met some in parties and others in meetings. ! ey are all aware of these groups but they don’t attach much importance on them. ! ey were all proud of being Rwandans than being named after their respective ethnic groups. One of them answered me very angrily in these words: “What is the benefi t of being Tutsis apart from being orphans because of the genocide? I don’t say that ethnic groups do not exist, but it is a minor element far below being Rwandans in particular and human beings in general.” I also talked to another friend of mine. His father died in the jail accused to have participated in the genocide. He told me this: “ Apart from the fact that our parents had dirtied our identity of Hutus, myself I do not fi nd any interest in being called a Hutu or a Tutsi. We should be proud of being Rwandans sharing the same culture values and speaking the same language.” After listening to di" erent views from young people, I realized that the youth have not any problems of the genocide ideology. ! is problem is found among old people who claim to be wise and they exist in both sides of Hutus and Tutsis. When they are outside with others they seem not to have any problems but when they reach their homes they start teaching their children about the bad side of Hutus or Tutsis. Such parents have to change because their weapons had already changed and they are now fi ring peace, love and unity all towards the sustainable development of the country. Here by their weapons I mean us young people of today. We are far di" erent from the

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youth used during the genocide to kill Tutsis and destroy their native country. Why do such parents want to inherit us this hatred? We are now aware that such hatred caused you to pour down blood of your brothers and sisters with whom you shared citizenship, and now you are ashamed and uncomfortable to live with them again. ! ese ethnic groups you want to inherit us caused you to stay alone and we also grew up being orphans. If you don’t want to change and advise us to build a better country for your old ages, stay with your ethnicities and we young people are proud of our Rwandan identity. But always remember that bad things will never prevail good ones.

I hereby request all young people for working together in the struggle of building our motherland, let us unite because unity is strength. Let us not listen to some of our bad parents who are still singing outdated songs; let us give our strength and knowledge to our beloved country. If we want a better Rwanda of tomorrow that we can inherit our descendants, we better separate with bad actions and words from some of our parents. Some of them have that genocide ideology; even some of them dare to tell their children that the policy of our government of unity and reconciliation is a naked lie and cunnings of Tutsis. Some even say that they lack peace of mind because of Tutsis. ! is is true because those who committed crimes in hidings, they didn’t apologize and even today their hearts still accuse them. ! e Bible even says that there is no peace for a sinner who does not repent.

Young people, survivors of the genocide, at least those who were attending school, remember when Tutsis were asked to stand up or put up their hands. You remember how it was hurting. You also remember that some of our parents had to change their identities to become Hutus. You remember how

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bad and afraid we felt when walking and you heard people saying that you belonged to a given Tutsi family. ! is was caused by nothing else but the hatred that the government in place at that time had taught its people. ! ese days, sometimes you hear some of our parents saying many times that Hutus are bad and they did very bad things. Some of them even say that Hutus in general are the same and that they can’t do anything good. ! ey even forget those Hutus who helped us in one way or another when we were in hard times of the genocide. Some of them even tell us to stop our friendship with our Hutu friends. ! ey also hurt these friends of ours with harsh words. I can give you an example of one time when I was talking to two of my Hutu friends; we were talking about various topics. When it came to the problem of reconciliation of Rwandans, one of them told me what was in his heart in these words: “You know perfectly well that you and other young people survivors of the genocide are my friends but I am not happy to visit some of them especially those who have parents. ! is because one parent hurt me when I visited my colleague called Peter. He was born outside the country because his parents had fl ed the country in 1959 and came back after the genocide. When his father entered in the sitting room, he asked his son where I was from calling me a prince. (Remember that kings were Tutsis). He didn’t greet me and went into his bedroom. ! is showed me that he was trying to tell his son that he shouldn’t bring Hutus in his house. You know some judge people’s ethnicities by the face and as you can see I am a very good model of Hutu. I tell you this shocked me that I don’t want to visit any other family any more.” ! e other one also told me how he heard the mother of one girl that they studied together telling her daughter that she should stop her a" airs with a boy who was a Hutu otherwise no one would support her. I am saying this just to remind you

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that if we were not happy being called Tutsis before the genocide, reminding our colleagues that they are Hutus also hurt them. ! is doesn’t even help our country instead it is a way of strengthening hatred that can cause divisionism and other bad things.

Here I may say that at least parents who are inside the country are afraid of opposing the government policy of reconciliation. A very big problem is found on the side of Rwandans living outside Rwanda. ! ey are very far as hating people they do not share the ethnic group is concerned. I was surprised to hear that a Tutsi artist can organize a show and Hutus do not attend it and once a Hutu organizes it Tutsis do not attend it. Rwandan youth living abroad should separate with their parents full of the Genocide ideology. ! ey should know that they have to start shaping Rwanda of tomorrow. We should join our strengths to build unity and integrity all based on a strong foundation of love.

We should understand that these parents are very soon passing away and we are the ones who will su" er consequences of the seeds of hatred they will have sowed in us. It is a must for us to be strong on this struggle trying even to show them that it is not good of them to inherit us bad things they lived. I don’t mean that we should forget di# cult times of the genocide we knew; let this history help us to prepare our future trying to promote good things over bad ones. I know we have wounds of di" erent kinds but sorrow is an enemy to development we decided to achieve. ! e only treatment to sorrow, my dear friends, is nothing else but sinners to repent and ask for forgiveness and the one who experienced hard times learns to forgive. ! is should become a culture from what we consider as the smallest to the biggest mistake or sin like genocide. Even if I am saying this I know that it is

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not easy for everybody, but let us have love before any other thing because love will help us to succeed. We should also know those who are weak for us to help them.

Forgiving Face To Face.

After deciding to fi nd those who killed my family or who hurt me in one way or another during the genocide against Tutsis, I was wondering how they would take this after 15 years without talking to someone. ! e last time to meet some of these were when they were trying to hurt me and then we were going to meet telling them I had forgiven them, yet they had not apologized. I was thinking that they might consider this as a way of cunning. I was afraid that this would be a way of increasing their shame of what they did and this would cause them to hate themselves and hate me more than ever before. I was afraid of being killed again. I had two consciousnesses. One forcing me to do it and another one to leave that idea of forgiving. Apart from this, some of my friends tried to convince me telling me that what I was about to do was total foolishness. ! ey added that it was a way of not giving the true value to my killed family. I was already convinced to do it mostly after reading what the Bible says that we should forgive. ! is also goes in the same line with our country’s policy.

! e fi rst thing I did was to fi nd their cell phone numbers and I talked to them on the telephone one by one. ! e fi rst one I talked to was someone called Aloys. Before the genocide, he was a singer in the main choir at our church. His wife trained our children’s choir. But remember he was the fi rst to tell me that I would inform my mother that we had to fl ee otherwise he would kill us. ! e conversation we held was short and was like this:

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Allo, How are you Aloys. You are talking to • Jado.I am fi ne, how are you? Who is this Jado I am • talking to?! e one who was called SEDEDE (my childhood • nickname)

After knowing me, his voice changed and started talking as someone afraid.

Ehh,I remember you, how are you ?• I am fi ne and I praise the Lord. I call you just • to let you know that I have forgive you even if you didn’t apologize after planning to kill my family and me.Is it true that you had forgiven me? Is there any • chance of me to meet you and apologize?I had already forgiven you, instead try to fi nd • others you hurt then you ask for forgiveness and do not forget to repent before Lord Almighty.Please allow me to talk to you face to face.• I accept and I will try to make it possible.• ! ank you very much.• Greet your wife and children.•

After talking to him, I talked to Faustin the one who was our neighbor and who was present when my grandfather was killed. He was even the one who found the booklet that talked about RPF principles when they were taking things from our house. He was also the one who once said that I was hiding at Murenzi’s that I had to be killed. We held the same conversation as the previous one and we ended up

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also asking to meet face to face for him to apologize and I accepted.

I tried to fi nd cell phone numbers of those who killed my mother but I didn’t succeed. ! ey had all fl ed to ! e Congo after genocide against Tutsis. Only one called Fidele had come back but he also fl ed justice. People told me that he had left a wife and one child and the wife died leaving the child who was then being raised by his paternal aunts. I felt pity of that innocent child when I remembered how I grew up orphan. I was curious to see this child to see if I could do anything to help him. I decided to leave the place where I was studying in Kigali and go to Kibuye where we lived before genocide. It is a distance of about 150 kilometers because it is two hours and a half in the bus. When I arrived in Rubengera I spent the night in one family of Tutsis, survivors of genocide. I called Aloys and Faustin to tell them that I was in Rubengera that I wished to meet them. ! ey both told me that they would meet me the following day in that family where I was staying. When the time came to hold the conversation, they both seemed to be afraid. I tried to show them that I didn’t have any bad intention to harm them. ! ey still doubted about my forgiveness. ! ey started believing in me and told me how they were relieved after that conversation. ! ey told me that they wished not meet me before. ! ey were always afraid they even thought I would do something just to take my revenge on them. ! ey didn’t understand how I could forgive them when they hadn’t apologized. I told them that the fact that I had forgiven them didn’t prevent them from apologizing to others they had harmed. I showed them that they hadn’t to wait for people to forgive them when they had not apologized. ! ey had to be the fi rst to ask for pardon. We separated each of them being happy and they

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requested me to visit them in their families. ! e following day I went into Fidele’s family who was one among those who killed my mother after raping her. I told you he had fl ed justice and his wife had died. ! eir child was at his aunt where I met him. I talked to them and I told them that I was there to tell them that I had forgiven their brother who killed my mother. ! ey were very surprised to see someone coming to them with such an aim of forgiving. I told them that I was willing to help that child as I could. ! ey told me that he was seven years old but I was very sorry to hear that her mother infected her with HIV/AIDS when giving birth to her. When I held Elyse in my hands, I immediately remembered my mom persistently begging Elyse’s father to forgive her and instead he slashed her with a machete and spit in her face. I immediately remembered Elyse’s father and his fellow Hutus making my mom walk a long way to the place where they killed her. While rememorizing all this, Elyse asked her aunt “Mom, who’s this man?” It is evident that Elyse thought her aunt was her mother she was too young to know about her mother’s death. “He is our guest” her aunt told her. Elyse turned and stared at me asking “What’s your name?”“I’m Jado, I know you’re called Elyse”“Who told you I’m Elyse?”“Your mom”“Uuhm, your mom, where’s she?”“She passed away”“Oh, is she in heaven then?”“Yea, we also will be there”

I felt shocked but kept strong not to cry. I kept meditating on the child’s lovely words and my heart settled down. Love overcame hatred.

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Elyse in my hands at his aunts' home.

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Chapter Fourteen: PLEASE, BREAK OUT

SELFISHNESS

For ones people who believe in God, we know perfectly well that love is above all. We are even told that God Himself is Love and His commandments are summarized in love: “ Love your Lord with all your heart and love others the way you love yourself.” God asks us to love others the way we love ourselves but if at least every body loved others a half of the love they likes themself, this world would be safe and free of all kinds of bad things. ! ese days, people are dividing themselves into groups and this limits the love among them. People should know that they have a great value because they live on the earth of human beings and we should also love others because they are human beings. At this level we love each other 100% but the problem is that people before they are human beings, they consider themselves as Africans, Americans, Europeans, Asians or Australians. At this level we love each other at a percentage of 70%. People who fi ght for interests of their respective continents are very much admired and are sometimes called

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heroes because of this love they love their people. Here they don’t remember that a continent is a small part of the earth. For those who believe in God and who read religious books, you will not fi nd anywhere that God created a given continent. We are told that God created the earth and put a man in it. We are not told that God created America and put there an American or He created Africa and put there an African and so on. ! is is to show us the importance that God gives to the earth and we human beings we only take into consideration the part of land on which we live as a result of lack of enough love.

As love decreases in human beings, they also decrease the area of love. From belonging to a given continent, to a given country, and there then love is at the level of 50%. Here I do not mean that people do not love their countries, the person I am talking about is the one who does not love and give value to other people who are not citizens of their country. ! e more love decreases, the more people increase loving themselves and hating others. When love is at this level, when we hear wars here and there and the human being su" ers. One who kills a great number of people is rewarded and he is called a hero.

Love for one’s country also fi nishes at a given point and people consider the color of their skins or their ethnic group. Here he thinks they should only love black people, white people and so on. love is on the level of 40%. Among people who share the color of skins, the time comes when you start seeing that they also belong to di" erent ethnic groups. And start only loving those they thinks they share the ethnic group. love is on 30%. It is at this level that we hear about civil wars among ethnic groups or one ethnic group hates

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the other wishing to exterminate it as the case of genocide against Tutsis that happened in Rwanda in 1994.

It doesn’t stop there; instead the time comes when people stop loving their ethnic groups and start loving only their families. Here love is 20%. ! e last step, which is the worst one, is when people do even not love their families instead they love themselves. Here people no longer have the sense of humanity. ! ey are at the level of hating even their children, wives or husbands, and parents. ! ey are considered as being in jails and their love is 0%. Here they also hate themselves and it ends up by killing themselves what is the result of people continuing to love themselves. Here I want to emphasize that it is good to love one’s continent, country, ethnic group, family even ourselves. But the great problem is when people start thinking that outside; there is no life and you start thinking that persons or things outside your group do not value.

It is clear that lacking love is a very serious disease for individuals in particular and for families in general especially because it is followed by di" erent crimes against humanity according to levels of lives of individuals.

In Rwanda, in 1994, there was a group of few persons who had reached a level to like themselves together with their families. ! ey considered their ethnic group superior to other groups. Were used to kill Tutsis even Hutus who seemed not to agree with them. Here the ethnicity became a weapon of that group of people who wanted to kill others. It is clear that lack of love goes together with people considering themselves superior and they also think that other people are against their welfare. When it becomes like this, the next step is to fi nd ways to eliminate these people. Examples are

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Nazis when they decided to eliminate Jews and in Rwanda when the group of some Hutus started convincing other Hutus that if they kill Tutsis they will get rich. ! is is even found in their songs during the genocide where they said that when Tutsis are killed, Hutus would live in peace. ! ey even called Hutus to kill Tutsis because the world and its content were for Hutus. But I am telling you, considering yourself superior to others, this is one step before you get lowered.

Even if this disease of lacking love for human beings is followed by crimes against humanity, it is easy to treat it once it was discovered early especially because it is not di# cult to fi nd its symptoms. Individuals’ deeds will show them. People do not take this problem of lacking love and when you fi nd a brother or a neighbor characterized by deeds of lacking love, you seem not to be concerned. ! ose who are quickly take decision start to leave them and their friends also abandon them. By doing this, they forget that once you abandon a friend you gain an enemy and the more your enemies are many the more problems become many. ! ere is even a Rwandan saying which says that instead of killing someone because he did something wrong, you better kill what caused him to do what he did. It is easy for people to say, “Forgive me” but it is a big problem to say, “I forgive you” ! e reason is that the human nature always wants good things and once it has got them it does not wish anybody to get them. ! ey become like little children. When you give them two candies and after a while ask them to give you one they after a while, hide the arm holding these candies in the back. People tend to forgive only minor mistakes or crimes but as the crimes become strong it also becomes hard to forgive. Imagine when it comes to extreme crimes against humanity like genocide; once you have the idea to

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forgive such a crime, sometimes people take you as having psychological problems or they say it is a way of not giving the value to the member of the family killed during the genocide. We forget that we reap what we sowed. Once you forgive less, you will also have less happiness from that and once you forgive abundantly, you will get plentiful happiness.

When I was talking to people who tried to kill me and who even killed the members of my family during the genocide, they told me that I had given them humanity back, that I took them from the grave. Before talking to them they wished not to meet me and they considered me as their fi rst enemy. ! ey added that I had built in them the sense of love again. I assert that in many parts of this world, many people lived in this extreme hatred, and there is nothing good except slowing down the development that everybody targets to achieve and bringing deaths. ! e only solution to this problem is TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS and FORGIVE, and all these based on true Love.

We should also remember that to ask for forgiveness and to forgive are two di" erent things. Most of the time it is between two individuals: the one who did the crime and the one to whom the crime was done. ! e one who asks for forgiveness and the one who forgives should do this without waiting their colleague to do something. ! is concerns more the one who is asked to forgive because most of the time they waits to be asked for forgiveness for them to decide to forgive or not. He also think that forgiving is their right but we are told to forgive our colleagues for us also to be forgiven our sins by our God who is in the heaven.

But also people should know that when you ask for forgiveness

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this gives strength the one to whom the crime was done to forgive you. It is therefore good to ask for forgiveness whenever there is a mistake; from minor mistakes to strong crimes like genocide. Many people do not know how to apologize and most of the time they fi nd they have used harsh words that also wound again the one they were asking pardon. Asking for forgiveness is an important action that needs to be thought of before it is done.

How can one apologize?

We all know what to apologize is. Apologize can be done in speech as it can be in actions which are observed after someone has done or said something taken as a mistake or a sin. ! e utmost aim of someone apologizing must be giving back value and respect to the person who was a" ected by the mistake or sin. (speech or action).

Sating « I am sorry» is one simple way of apologize but this has to be followed by good actions which will prove that this was done from the bottom of the heart of the one apologizing.

Even if this sentence is simple and short, it is not easy for everybody to utter it. Again one has to pay attention before uttering such a sentence.

Steps of apologizing

Accepting the mistake

Most of the time people are quick to make mistakes and some may do so without knowing. People do realize this later because of their consciousness or after seeing consequences

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a" ecting someone to whom the mistake was done. People can also realize their mistakes. In either way, once you realize that you have made a mistake, you have to accept it. ! is is the fi rst step if you want to apologize.

Accepting the consequences of the mistake

Once you have decided to apologize, you have to accept what you did. An example, is found in trial of those who participated in the genocide against Tutsi in Rwanda. Some people were saying « I apologize to those, I hurt and to my country but I was obliged to kill by the government».

! is is not apologizing at all. It would be better if you said this as testimony where you show your responsibility in the mistake and denouncing others who were involved while making that mistake. But as far as your speech aims at decreasing the power of your mistake, you are not apologizing; instead you are showing your innocence. It is good to accept your responsibility in a mistake if you really want to apologize.

Accept that it is possible or impossible to be forgiven

To those who believe in God, we know that we are asked to forgives every time people make mistakes to us. We have to remember that it is not the case here in the world. Forgiving is the right of the person. He may choose to forgive or not. We have also to remember that being forgiven does not prevent the laws from punishing you. But accepting the mistake can alleviate the punishment you receive. All these mean that once you are aware that apologizing does not

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mean being forgiven, this will help you to accept what will happen to you even you are punished.

Choosing the right time to apologize

It is good to apologize immediately after realizing the mistake you make. ! is is because if you apologize after consequences are already there, people may think that you are apologize for fear of punishments. So while apologize the sooner is the better.

Choosing ways of apologizing

It is clear that ways of apologize di" er depending on people involved in this process. ! e way you apologize to your brother is di" erent from the way you can do it to someone else. It is easy to approach a brother and apologize whatever mistake you have make.

Likewise, it is easy to apologize to other person to whom you make a simple mistake, but it is not easy at all to apologize when these is a great mistake. An example is when you have seriously injured someone or if you have killed someone willingly or by accident. In this case you fi rst have to apologize in an indirect way. You can do this either by asking some members of integrity of your family to go and apologize for you, you can apologize through a letter or through a telephone. By doing all these, you have to be humble and apologize from the bottom of your heart.

To show that you are really sorry for your mistakes and that you are willing to change.

You can not do anything to show that you have changed but

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charity actions comprove this you also need to feel that you have really changed and that you can’t do the same mistake. You can ask yourself what charity actions are and who must benefi t from them.

! ese are actions you do not to please yourself, to show that you know more that othors do or that here are things you can do that others can not do. Whether you are wealthy or poor you can do these charity actions according to your social and economic class. For example, you can visit someone you o" ended, but you pay attention not to say or do something which can remind them what you did to them. You can attend a party that they organized, whether they invited you or not. You can also commiserate with them once something bad happened to them.

It is much better if you do such charity actions to each and everybody not limiting yourself to those you o" ended that you want to be their new friend. Tell them that you will do your best to avoid whatever that can separate you from them again. Remind them that you are a human being make mistakes that may not an angel. Tell them that you may make some mistakes especially because we all sin even, if we want to do what is good.

What does the word of God say about forgiving?

Forgiving is not an easy task. We always ask ourselves many questions about forgiving:

Is forgiveness a conscious choice?Is it a physical action involving willingness?Is it a feeling or an emotional state of a human being?

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In my opinion, there is a relationship between forgiving and being patient. You can not forgive without patience in you, and patience is one of seeds of love. We also have to remember that the word of God tells us that God himself is love. So there is relationship between the one who forgives and God.

Does God ask us to forgive?

God asks us to forgive; he even tells us that if we don’t forgive, we will also not be forgiven. We have to do this just to obey his orders and if we don’t forgive, our prayers will not reach the heaven.

When is it necessary to forgive?

! is questions involves two things: what kind of mistake should be forgiven and who should be forgiven? ! e wholly scriptures state that the one who will never be forgiven is the one who date to insult the Holy Spirit, that’s why no one is allowed to sentence that one because God does not have any police agents nor laws experts in this world, instead people are responsible of themselves and they have to pay attention not to break God’s commandments. Common crimes that are made here on earth can all be forgiven. I, in my opinion, think that the greatest crime is killing.

Christians, we believe that Jesus came on earth to give us an example of how we should live in this world. Remember when he was on the Cross, he prayed for those who were killing him to be forgiven. When Jesus was in the world, he were a human body like ours. You wouldn’t be mistaken if you said that Jesus did all he did just because of Godly characters which were in him. ! e Bible tells us that he was

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not the only one who was able to forgive his killers. Someone called Steven when he was being killed with stones, he prayed and called God in these words, «God, forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing».

Now , if it is possible to forgive while being killed, isn’t it possible to forgive the one who killed your relatives?

It is very possible even it is hard. It requires to pray and ask God to give you strength to accept bad things which happened to you. You also pray to have a forgiving heart especially when you have known why you should forgive. ! e only reason why people should forgive is to follow God’s willingness.

As far as the one who should be forgiven is concerned, it is everybody, without considering that they are a member of your family, that you belong in the same ethnic group, that you have the same citizenship or you have the some skin color, like forgiving does not have any limits, the same, there is no specifi ed number of times people should forgive. Many people think that committing the same crime should not be forgiven or the punishment should be made strong. ! ough being punished and forgiven are two separate things but they can be done at the same time. You can ask yourself how possible this is. To illustrate, I have forgiven these who killed members of my family even if they fl ed justice. Once they are arrested, laws governing my country will punish them and this doesn’t mean that my forgiveness is nothing to them.

! is will help them to accept their punishment and I think it may give them strength to apologize before God and before other people they o" ended. So we should not have

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any limits or a number of times whiles forgiving. We all remember someone called Peter in the Bible. He asked Jesus, or how many times? Jesus told him, “Not only seven times but seventy seven times seven”

! is answer show forgiving should be part of our lives and it shows us how forgiving should be part of our lives and it shows us that it is not something easy for us to do. but even if it is like that , we should know that it is something great and important for our god.

Who benefi ts from forgiving?

Many people say that the one who is the one who benefi ts most form forgiveness. ! is is not true instead both the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven benefi t from this act of forgiveness. ! eir friends and the society also benefi t from it.

When two people have problems between themselves, many people, their brothers and friends even the whole life of country can be a" ected. To give you an example, there is a friend of mine who was touched because members of his ethnic group prepared and put into actions the genocide against Tutsi. ! is has been a burden for him until he wrote a book entitled “! eir crime is a shame on me”. ! is means that the crime committed by this ethnic group made him to be ashamed even if he is innocent and didn’t play any roles in this genocide. I think once these killers are forgiven, he will also feel relieved.

Once there is forgiveness there is no more hatred among hostile families. Instead people work hand in hand and this a" ects positively the life of a country. All this is to show you

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that forgiveness is something more valuable than the way we take it. My wish for you is to forgive thanks to LOVE.

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