Men are from MarsWomen are from Venus

Presented by Jayadeva de Silva

Few useful ideas for Men and women from Dr John Gray’s book

Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences.

Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets.

Based on years of successful counseling of couples and individuals, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has helped millions of couples transform their relationships.

Now viewed as a modern classic, this phenomenal book has helped men and women realize how different they really are and how to communicate their needs in such a way that conflict doesn't arise and intimacy is given every chance to grow.

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged,

while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions.

Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently.

Men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time.

According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of.

Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops.

This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.

Example:

A man might count a Rs2000 present as 20 points and helping her to carry a heavy bag as 1 point (or he may not even assign any point to the latter),

but a woman may count these acts as only 1 point each.

For her, the total sum of points comes from different aspects.

For example: - the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.)

- the card gets 1 point, - flowers get 1 point, - if he tells her "I love you" in the morning it is 1 point, - if he sincerely takes a moment to notice her and tells

her "You look beautiful" in the evening it is 1 point, - if he hugs her, it is 1 point, - the gift itself gets 1 point.

Men and women are often surprised to find the scoring method is different.

Most men are not even aware that all women "keep score".

The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item.

This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else.

They assume the woman will be satisfied with it.

To the woman, she would rather have many many Little Acts on a regular basis.

The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.

The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress.

He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem.

He refers to this as "retreating into their cave."

In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends.

The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution.

What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else.

Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem).

This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer.

According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people.

He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place.

As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes.

This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love).

Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give.

Men must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.

Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of

his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a few simple chores will do).

Most men get threatened because they think, "Why can't she be happy?"

or think she is blaming him, but that is not the case.