Brandy Vanderheiden MFT SEP

Being a parent is often hard

Parenting a child with special needs is often much harder.

It isn’t what you expected.

Are there good moments too?

There are no easy solutions

A lot is stacked against being able to

reduce stress

Silicon Valley Culture

Economics

Systems

How can we get real relief?

Stress

management

is a temporary

strategy

(helpful, but

temporary)

Understand Stress Differently

And you can see real change

When you are calm,

It is easier to figure out

solutions

You have more bandwidth

to deal with roadblocks in

systems

You have more patience

with the kids

Start here and you might

be able to shift what

seems insurmountable

Tonight:

Understand stress differently

Learn how you can support yourself and

your children

Let’s try some exercises to expand your

tool kit

The key is regulation:

Regulation is the

body’s ability to return

to a calm state after

stress.

An autonomic

(involuntary) process

It’s the time when

systems are in balance

and functioning at their

best.

Stress is a process in your

nervous system

Work with your own system first

Your family is its own nervous system

Understand your child’s nervous system

Supporting his system will improve overall

functioning and reduce stress for all

Homeostasis:

What goes up,

must come

down…except

when it doesn’t

Terms:

Sympathetic: my system perceives a threat and sends signals to provide fight or flight support

Parasympathetic: Fight/flight is over. My system sends resources

to slow down my heart and breath and come back to a resting state

Freeze means that the threat was SO BIG that our best chance for survival was to conserve resources and get still (very high level of energy required, but looks quiet from outside)

Window of tolerance

When the amount of stress from activation is not

too much, we stay in the window of tolerance

Humans must stay in the window of tolerance in

order to be regulated

This is a physiological process, mostly outside our

control

When I am IN the window of

tolerance,

I can

“Use my words”

“Make good choices”

Remember my homework and what I

learned in class

Connect with family and friends

Be interested in new things

Calm down when I get upset

The problem is…

Most of us are OUTSIDE our window of

tolerance most of the time

The problem is…

OUTSIDE the window of tolerance it is

difficult to impossible to control our

behavior

Bandwidth

is narrow

With a lot of effort, we manage some

stabilization outside the window

Faux window:

management

strategies used

Bandwidth

is narrow

Overwhelm,

chaos

Collapse,

I can’t

Step 1:

Learn to recognize

Window of Tolerance

The earlier you can spot when you or your child is out of the window of tolerance, the easier it is to shift.

Recognize when they’re:

1. “Managing”

2. When their “management” has been overwhelmed

How can we change it?

Step 2: Support Return to

Window of Tolerance

1. Avoid adding more stimulus to the

system

2. Rest

3. Connection (I’m here)

4. Touch (if it helps)

5. Support (I’m on your side)

What phase are you in?

Crisis/Survival Maintenance Healing

Grown up Support:

Recruit help from partner or other adult

Reduce obligations and commitments

Schedule downtime

Commit to self-care

Cut back on phone/computer & news

Do not skip meals

Prioritize sleep

Create action plan for when you get overwhelmed

Support for kids

Grown up support applies here, with

guidance and modification

15 minutes per day of kid-guided activity

Co-regulation

The higher the upset, the fewer the words

Parenting concepts do not land when

activation is high

Create action plan for meltdowns &

overwhelm

Build “Calm Down” Toolkit

Ask them what helps

Exhale tends to reduce activation

(bubbles, pinwheels)

“Cat presses” for arms & legs

Modeling

I spy game (pick a color; find 5 things

that color around the room)

Take a break together

Questions

Little Village Class – 8 weeks

4-5 year olds

Concepts: Emotional regulation, making

friends, growing independence

Tuesdays June 14-Aug 9

Mountain View – CHAC Family

Resource Center

Parents & kids learning together

Stay in touch

Brandy Vanderheiden MFT SEP Office in Mountain View

650-281-9315

www.brandyvanderheiden.com

BrandyVanderheiden

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Thank you SELPA 1 CAC!