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The art of
Photo by Seth Anderson [link]
self-coachingEd Batista
March 19, 2015
Who am I?
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
Contributor @ Harvard Business Review
www.edbatista.com
Why coachingmatters to me…
Started as a client
Changed my view of leadership
Impact on hundreds of clients & students
Why self-coachingdoes, too
1%
16 months
Help my clients & students help themselves
Read More
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we
Coaching & self-coaching
Mindset & change
Coaching tools
Emotional style & management
going?
How will we
Short lectures
Work with a partner
Coaching conversations
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]
Intro 15 mins
Part 1 25 mins
Part 2 45 mins
Part 3.a 15 mins
Break 10 mins
Part 3.b 55 mins
Part 4 20 mins
Agenda
Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Part 1
Coaching & self-coaching
An exercise
Photo by Judy van der Velden [link]
What’s coaching?
Photo by Seth Anderson [link]
Not advising or mentoring
Not diagnostic
Coachee owns the agenda
Coachee has the answers
Read More
Guiding our own growth & development
Not a solitary experience, but self-directed
Coaching partners are essential
Today you’ll work with one
& self-coaching?
Photo by Seth Anderson [link]Read More
Part 2
Mental models
Mindset
Change
Coaching tools
Conversation #1
Photo by Earls37a [link]
Mental models
Perceptions shape reality
Photo by Carmelo Speltino [link]Read More
A mental model about ourselves
Carol Dweck
How do we perceive our abilities?
How do we perceive our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Mike Disharoon [link]
Talent & intelligence
are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or
character flaws
Negative emotional
response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence
can be developed
Mistakes are learning
opportunities
Less upset by mistakes
(= more learning)
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Adapted from Carol Dweck [link]
Diminished sense of
agency & control
Seeking approval &
affirmation
Risk-averse & defeated
by setbacks
Heightened sense of
agency & control
Seeking challenges &
continual growth
Risk-tolerant & can
accept setbacks
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Adapted from Carol Dweck [link]
Mindset &self-coaching
Look for signs of a fixed or growth mindset
Recognize it as a mental model
One we can challenge or affirm
Kurt Lewin & Edgar Schein
Why is change so difficult?
Why do we resist it?
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]Read More
Behavior is stable
We’re frozen in patterns
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Driving forces favor change
Restraining forces resist it
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Patterns keep these forces balanced
Change requires unfreezing
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Driving force = Survival anxiety
I must change in order to
to achieve my goals
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Restraining force = Learning anxiety
Change means a new identity
or loss of self-esteem
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Increase survival anxiety to change?
Or decrease learning anxiety?
Both are necessary
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Three steps to unfreezing
1. Disconfirmation
Dissatisfaction created
by confounding data
Necessary but insufficient
(Dismissal, denial, blame)
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Three steps to unfreezing
2. A little survival anxiety
Confounding data =
I need to change
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Three steps to unfreezing
3. Psychological safety
Critical to overcoming
defensiveness & denial
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Threat from survival anxiety must
be balanced by sufficient safety
to decrease learning anxiety
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Change =
Survival anxiety > Learning anxiety
Psychological safety
Change
Photo by ezioman [link]
Change& mindset
We can be attached to our fixed mindset
Letting go can be threatening
We must feel safe to change
Change& mindset
Growth mindset = work in progress
New attitude or behavior ≠ new identity
Mistakes & setbacks = learning opportunities
Coaching tools
Ask, Listen, Empathize
Read More
Coaching tools
Ask
Edgar Schein
Help doesn’t always help
What’s a better way?
Read More
Modes of inquiry
1. Pure inquiry
Begin with receptivity
Avoid presumptive questions
Adapted from Edgar Schein [link]
Modes of inquiry
1. Pure inquiry
2. Diagnostic inquiry
Focus & redirect
Feelings, motives, actions
Adapted from Edgar Schein [link]
Modes of inquiry
1. Pure inquiry
2. Diagnostic inquiry
3. Confrontational inquiry
Introduce new ideas & hypotheses
Substitute the coach’s narrative
Adapted from Edgar Schein [link]
Modes of inquiry
1. Pure inquiry
2. Diagnostic inquiry
3. Confrontational inquiry
We tend to move too quickly
Critical to check our assumptions
Adapted from Edgar Schein [link]
Ask better
Photo by Alexander Drachman [link]
questions
Ask better
Get beyond Yes or No
What…? & How…? > Why…?
More reflection, less defensiveness
questions
Ask better
No leading questions
That’s advocacy, not coaching
questions
Ask better
One more tip…
Ask once & stop
questions
Coaching tools
Ask, Listen
Listening skills
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Listening skills
Hearing ≠ listening
How they feel > what you hear
Make them feel heard
Listening skills
Focused attention > time
Cultivate presence
Eye contact
No multi-tasking
Eliminate distractions
Coaching tools
Ask, Listen, Empathize
Brené Brown
What roles do shame & empathy play?
Read More
Shame &
Shame = We are flawed & unworthy of love
Empathy = The antidote to shame
empathy
Shame &
Shame = Unravels relationships & connections
Empathy = Creates closeness & meaning
empathy
Shame &
Seeking help typically triggers shame
(or embarrassment or vulnerability)
empathy
Shame &
But typical helping responses block empathy
1. “My problem’s worse”
2. “Look on the bright side”
3. “Here’s some advice…”
empathy
Shame &
Instead…
1. Respect their view & avoid judgment
2. Look for, sense & validate feelings
3. Express understanding
empathy
Part 3.a
Emotion
A different exercise
Photo by Yuya Salto [link]
Emotion
Photo by Jill M [link]Read More
Emotion
Antonio Damasio, USC
What purpose do emotions serve?
What role do they play in reasoning?
Emotion
Emotions evolved to support survival
Uncontrolled emotion & bias can lead us astray
But emotion is integral to reasoning
Essential for efficient decision-making
Read More
Emotion
Victor Johnston, New Mexico State
“Discriminant hedonic amplifiers”
Boost signals in our mental landscape
Emotions = Attention magnets
Read More
Emotion
Joseph LeDoux, NYU
“A quick and dirty signal”
Neural pathways 2x
But speed has a price
Read More
Emotion
Rapid triggering
Reflexive responses
Sensing ≠ comprehension
A premise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
Emotion management* =
The key to leadership
*Management ≠ suppression
Part 3.b
Emotional style
Conversation #2
Photo by Yuya Salto [link]
Photo courtesy University of Wisconsin [link]
Emotional style
Emotional style
Richard Davidson
What is the neurological basis for emotion?
Photo courtesy University of Wisconsin [link]Read More
Emotional style
Photo courtesy University of Wisconsin [link]
6 dimensions of “emotional style”
Rooted in measurable neurological activity
6 dimensions
Attention
Context-sensitivity
Outlook
Recovery time
Self-awareness
Social intuition
Attention
Sharpness & clarity of focus
(Ability to avoid distractions)
Photo by Philip Bird [link]
Attention
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Unfocused, may be Intensely focused,
easily distracted or may lose awareness
overly impulsive or lack spontaneity
Photo by Philip Bird [link]
Photo by Vincent Lock [link]
Context-sensitivity
Context-
Ability to discern differences in social
environments & regulate responses accordingly
sensitivity
Photo by Vincent Lock [link]
Context-
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Unable to discern Highly sensitive to
social differences & minute differences in
act accordingly social environment
sensitivity
Photo by Vincent Lock [link]
Photo by Ivan Walsh [link]
Outlook
Outlook
Ability to sustain positive emotion
Photo by Ivan Walsh [link]
Outlook
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Highly pessimistic, Highly optimistic,
difficulty sustaining may be resistant to
positive feelings negative data
Photo by Ivan Walsh [link]
Photo by Eric Richardson [link]
Recovery time
Recovery time
Speed of recovery from adverse experiences
Photo by Eric Richardson [link]
Recovery time
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Fast to recover, may Slow to recover,
fail to register or may feel defeated
learn from setbacks by minor setbacks
Photo by Eric Richardson [link]
Photo by Seattle Yoga News [link]
Self-awareness
Self-awareness
Ability to perceive physical aspects of emotion
Photo by Seattle Yoga News [link]
Self-awareness
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Out of touch with Hyper-aware, may be
physical cues that distracted by physical
accompany emotion cues & emotions
Photo by Seattle Yoga News [link]
Social intuition
Ability to sense others’ emotional responses
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Social intuition
•---------------------------------------------------------•
Puzzled by others’ Highly intuitive, may
responses, socially be overly sensitive to
obtuse or insensitive others’ responses
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Part 4
Photo by Kim Faires [link]
Emotion management
Building capacity (Getting MESSy)
Closing
Emotion
Photo by Tania Cataldo [link]
management
Emotion
Regulation, not suppression
Reframing
Self-soothing
Talking about feelings
management
Reframing
Cognitive reappraisal
James Gross & Rebecca Ray, Stanford
Kevin Ochsner, Columbia
How do our thoughts influence our experience?
Reframing
The meanings we assign Emotional response
Re-interpret a situation Manage our emotions
Our mental models shape our experiences
Read More
Self-soothing
Photo by Amanda Patsopoulou [link]
Self-soothing
Physiological modification
Active steps to change our emotional state
Self-soothing
Response modification
Active choice in how we express emotion
Self-soothing
Deeper, slower breaths
Speak more slowly & monitor tone
Sense our non-verbals & body language
Shift focus of our attention
Talking about
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
feelings
Talking aboutfeelings
Affect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
Read More
Building capacity(aka)
Getting MESSy
Mindfulness
Exercise
Sleep hygiene
Stress reduction
Mindfulness
Non-judgmental
awareness
& acceptance
of experience
Mindfulness
The most powerful self-coaching tool
Critical to emotion management
& executive function
Mindfulness
Meditation
A workout, not a break
Impact in just a few minutes…
…with regular practice
Read More
Mindfulness
Meditation
Journaling
Time in nature
Regular reflective practice
Read More
Mindfulness
Practical steps
Meditate 1 minute a day
(Increase over time; commitment is key)
3 bullet points each morning & evening
Spend 1 hour a week in nature
Exercise
Emotions are physiological experiences
Mind/body integration ≠ hippie bullshit
Sleep hygiene
Being prepared then: having the answer
Being prepared now: being at your best
Stress reduction
Boundaries, not balance
Lead more, do less
Focus
Read More
To sum up
Make it safe to change
Cultivate a growth mindset
Consider your emotional style
Build management capacity (Get MESSy)
Find coaching partners (& help them help you)
Thank you!
Photo by Seth Anderson [link]
edbatista@gmail.com
www.edbatista.com
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