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Communication Workshop
Semira RahemtullaMay 3, 2016
Who am I?
Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #2
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1Shared
Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”Karim VarelaFlavius PopescuBrian FangPhillip Chuzhbinin
Matt WuDaniel PyrathonBrandon BeveridgeHuibo Wang
Dawoon KangRachel MaxSherrie ChenLily ChouAlice Hwang
Jim MattesonNoel HartshornArchit JoshiLukasz Citowicz
Arum KangNicole SingletonMelissa RosenYi LiDavid Roderick MillerMica Gallanosa
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Self-Disclosure
“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN
Feedback & Influence
Alice DawoonJim SherrieDaniel MattDavid NicoleLukasz HuiboFlavius BrianMelissa YiLily RachelNoel ArchitMica ArumBrandon Karim
Exercise #3: Complimentary Feedback
Think of one thing your coworker does that you really appreciate1. Describe the behavior as specifically as
possible2. Describe the impact the behavior has on
you
#1 Factor for Happiness on the Job: Feeling appreciated-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation
1. Create a space for it2. Lead by example
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #2
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1Shared
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Arum, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Arum, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Arum, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with questions or requests.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in – “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Help the other person feel heard– Ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”– Disclose your reactions
• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements
• Make requests– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?
• Be specific• Discuss the error case
– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the agreement?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus areaCommunication & Management
– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette– Language choices,
communication style with others– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this
person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times– How they speak/listen/act/dress
Homework
In the next week, have (at least) one more feedback conversation Alice Melissa
Brandon MattJim NoelDaniel HuiboFlavius LukaszArchit LilySherrie RachelNicole DawoonBrian KarimArum DavidMica Yi
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net ☺
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