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Communication and Intimacy

Chapter 9

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Friendship, Intimacy, and Singlehood

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Love versus Friendship

Fascination ExclusivenessSexual desireDepth of caringPotential for enjoymentPotential for conflict, distress, criticism

Love Has Greater

Than Friendship

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Friendship, Love, and Commitment

Friendship is the foundation for love and commitment

Love reflects the positive factors that draw people together

Commitment reflects the stable factors that help maintain relationships for better or worse

All Closely linked

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Fabric of Friendship

EnjoymentAcceptanceTrustRespectMutual AssistanceConfidingUnderstandingSpontaneity

Davis and Todd, 1985

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Love and Friendship

Two categories or clusters distinguishing love from friendship

Passion ClusterFascinationSexual desireExclusiveness

Caring ClusterAdvocacy for partnerGiving the utmost

Davis and Todd, 1985

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Love and Friendship

Davis, 1985

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Sternberg’s Love Triangle

Argues three dimensions found in lovePresence or absence of these

dimensions determine type of loveDimensions:

Commitment—cognitive aspectPassion—motivational aspect Intimacy—emotional aspect

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Sternberg’s Love Triangle

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Commitment

A person’s attachment to anotherProcess develops over timeRepresents desire to be faithfulCan be expressed by moving to a more

advanced stage of a relationship

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Intimacy

The bonding and emotional closeness or connectedness

Involves: sharing feelings self disclosure emotional support

Increases as the closeness grows Gains greater depth as a relationship matures

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Passion

Develops quicklyRomantic feelings, desires and arousalOften involves touching, kissing and

being affectionateCan fade quickly

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Sternberg’s Eight Types of Love

Non-loveLikingInfatuationEmpty love Fatuous love

Companionate love

Romantic loveConsummative

love

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Sternberg’s Eight Types of Love

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Addictive Love vs. Mature Love

Addictive Love People seek comfort

and stability in love Infatuation generates

adrenaline high Suffer withdrawal when

not available or breakup occurs

Mature Love Each person is valued Each person is a better

person as a result of relationship

Each person has outside interests

Relationship is not totality of life

Jealousy not present Partners are best friends

Peele, 1985

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Jealousy

Emotional response to real or perceived threat to a valued relationship

No gender differences in occurrence Gender differences in cause

Men If partner is sexually involved

Women If partner is emotionally involved

Triggered by internal and external causes

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Intimacy

Dynamic ConceptPathways often differ by genderAssociated with:

Honest communicationNeeded for intimacy in relationshipsAppropriate level of honesty critical

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Intimate relationship vs. Intimate Experiences

Intimate relationships Involves sharing intimate experiences in

several areas over timeDifficult to have multiple intimate

relationshipsLimited areas

Intimate experienceFeeling of closeness or sharing with anotherMay or may not be perceived similarly

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Critical Areas for Developing Intimacy

CommunicationConflict

ResolutionSexual RelationsCouple FlexibilityCouple Closeness

Personality Compatibility

Good Relationships with Family & Friends

Shared Spiritual Values

Olson & Olson, 2000

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Happily vs. Unhappily Married Couples

Olson & Olson, 2000

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Intimacy Games

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Intimacy Games

All couples engage in intimacy games

Two Types:Constructive

Enhances relationships and intimacyDestructive

Creates distance and dissatisfaction

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Constructive Intimacy Games

Focus on positive aspects of relationship

Give to the other in a positive manner

Fosters reciprocity in relationships

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Destructive Intimacy Games

Common Games“I Don’t Care….You Decide”“The Ties that Bind”

Limit Destructive Games byNaming the gameMaking implicit rules explicitUnveiling game strategiesIdentifying disguised objectives

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Contemporary Singlehood

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Single and Never Married over 15 Years of Age

0

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

45

Men Women

All Races

African American

Asian American

American Indian

White

Hispanic

Native Hawaiian

U.S. Bureau Of The Census, 2004a

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Factors Contributing to Selected Singlehood

Educational pursuitsSocietal acceptanceCareer aspirationsAlternative lifestyle to marriage

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Criteria for Successful Single Life

Potential for economic self sufficiencyPotential to be autonomousIntent to be single