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Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center September/October 2009
Adolescence: Understanding What Teens Need from Their Parents
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an independent, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 37 years of ser-vice to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Lamoni, Lenox, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
ADOLESCENCE
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
www.dmpcc.orgVisit the Center’s website for more information on the Center’s
counseling services and staff, special events and classes.
Adolescence: Understanding What Teens Need from Their Parents . Page 1C.O.O.L. Corner ........................................................................................... Page 2New Center Staff .......................................................................................... Page 2Pastoral Care Specialist Program .............................................................. Page 3Searching for Self in All the Wrong Places ............................................... Page 3Creating a Healthy Congregation ............................................................. Page 3Counseling Assistance for Those Who Need It ..................................... Page 3Personal Growth and Development Presentations ............................... Page 4Campaign for Hope and Healing ............................................................... Page 4
I found myself giggling at a sign about parenting teenagers in a whimsical shop while vacationing this summer with my family. My husband pointed it out to me: “Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree.” While we giggled together and exchanged that knowing look, I observed my 18-month-old daughter standing up haphazardly in her stroller—despite being buckled in—and gleefully throwing her full weight forward. She was thrilled with this new game and enjoying it immensely. She was also in danger of nearly toppling herself over face-forward, and all the while oblivious to the danger of her activity despite my repeated warnings that she was about to “fall down and go boom.” Yep. Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree. So is raising toddlers.
In fact, toddlers and teenagers share many of the same developmental traits and tasks along certain dimensions. It may be useful to think of adolescence as the “toddlerhood” of adulthood—impulsive, energetic, intense, grandiose, exploratory, with alternating extremes of confident willfulness and utter self-doubt, despair and fearfulness. Although it is tempting to view our teenagers as “little adults,” when we bear in mind these similarities it helps to remind us that they are still children with many child-like needs. It is important for parents to understand the needs of their adolescents along some of these child-like dimensions in order to most effectively facilitate their growing up by responding in a developmentally sensitive and appropriate way.
Separation and Individuation The primary developmental task in adolescence is to separate
psychologically from parents and to form a sense of identity that includes one’s own individuality as well as a connection to preferred people and groups. It is this separation and individuation process that prepares and transitions adolescents to independence and adulthood.
Similarly, we see this separation and individuation process first occurring during toddlerhood when the young child awakens to itself as separate from caregivers, having a will of its own that is acted out upon the environment with the power to make things happen. That fierce independence that exclaims, “No, me do it!” that pushes away helping hands and stubbornly insists that you stay out of it. We are also familiar with the frantic, frustrated, or utterly devastated toddler who clings and sobs when his or her own efforts “to do” are thwarted or met by disappointment or failure
Independence and DependenceOne minute independent and pushing away and the next
dependent and clinging, this ambivalent I-need-you-I-don’t-need-you behavior marks the separation and individuation phases of both toddlerhood and adolescence. The teen who vehemently protests for you to “Stay out of my life!” is the same teen who will go out of his or her way to mope around until you ask them what is wrong. While it may look different
in adolescence, it is, in effect, rooted in the same developmental dilemma: If I grow up and can do things for myself, what if I need you again? Can I come back? Will you still be there?
Successful mastery of this dilemma involves the experiential process that develops over time in which the child and the youth both learn that independence (reliance on self) and dependence (reliance on the other) are not mutually exclusive. They coexist in every individual, increasing and decreasing within situational contexts. When we consider that the dynamics in earlier childhood parallel those in adolescence, it helps to inform the parental response to this often confusing stage of development where the realization of true independence and autonomy is both an exhilarating and frightening discovery. Let’s consider some of these responses.
The Need for Attention and Recognition Toddlers joyfully demonstrate every nuance of skill and
discovery to their parents. Parents respond with similar excitement, “Look at what you can do!” Adolescents are engaged in multiple new activities and explorations as a function of both their greater socialization and preparation for adulthood. It is important for parents to not only be aware of these newly developing skills and interests, but to actively recognize and express pleasure in them. “I notice how good you’re becoming at seeing the perspective of others. I am really enjoying that.” Or, “I think it’s cool that you’ve taken such an interest in music.” (It’s okay—you don’t have to enjoy the particular music they choose!) Providing attention and expressing pleasure in developing skills and interests builds an adolescent’s sense of mastery and competence. Similarly, providing encouragement for persistence (“I know this class is really hard for you, but I also know how strong you are when you put your mind to something”) and comfort during times of stress or uncertainty (“I know you are so hurt by this break-up and I am so sorry”) build an adolescent’s sense of security.
The Need for Physical Affection Perhaps less obvious is an adolescent’s need for physical
affection. While this need is often met more readily by peers, it can be observed in the teenage daughter who piles her feet on mother’s lap while sharing the couch during the movie or the son who beams pridefully when his father pounds him on the back with a hearty, “Well done, son!” When our children are very small this need for affectionate touch is more readily apparent and seems to flow more automatically in interactions with them. Though it may require more creativity and conscious thought on the part of the parent, displays of physical affection between adolescents and parents are an important way to express love and remain connected.
The Need for Reasonable Limits Lastly, the ability to set reasonable limits that reflect the
values and beliefs of the family and are sensitive to the teen’s
Personal Growth and Development Presentations
As you or groups you attend are planning for the coming program year, please give some thought to the opportunities available at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center to supplement your planning and/or support your organization’s program needs. The Center has an extensive list of TOPICS (in the areas of communication, emotional health, spiritual health, parenting, and relationships) that our experienced staff members are prepared to present for adult educational programs or tailor to the needs of your group. For a listing of topics for Personal Growth and Development presentations, check out our website (http://www.dmpcc.org/businesses/topics.html) or contact the Center (515-274-4006 or [email protected]).
Campaign for Hope and Healingour leadership givers are awesome!
Those individuals and organizations, which have taken an early leadership role in making certain the Center can bring more hope and healing to our community, are forever in our gratitude. leadership gifts are those $50,000 and above. We extend our sincerest thanks to early leadership givers to date:
anonymous Challenge grant Donor
anonymous Donor Foundation
marian and Don easter
Doris Jean and owen J. newlin
Kay and Bob Riley
larry and Judy Sheldon
Variety ~ The Children’s Charity of iowa
United Way Donor Choice
As United Way of Central Iowa launches its workplace campaign this fall, please consider directing all or part of your United Way giving to Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center
as a Donor Choice organization. Thank you.
32
level of challenge to handle certain activities can be a daunting task. A certain amount of conflict is to be expected within this negotiation process. I am reminded of my own toddler standing and balancing herself precariously on the arms of her own small chair while reaching to play with the pull cord of an expensive and delicate table lamp. Saying, “No, no” had very little effect. She was determined to do it regardless of what I said was about to happen. Moving the chair away from the lamp was an easy enough fix—at least for now. Though she protested loudly, restricting her access and interrupting the activity was necessary to ensure her safety.
Teenagers are also prone to times of impulsive grandiosity, engaging in activities and situations with utter abandonment that may ultimately not be in their best interests. It is important that parents monitor and be aware of teen activities, relationships, and media exposure and set limits according to a teen’s ability to handle them, and not necessarily according to his or her chronological age.
Adolescence is an exciting time full of vitality, growth, and changes. Watching your teenager transform in such a short time is a bittersweet experience for a parent. There are moments of anxiety and fear intermingled with moments of triumph and celebration. Moments of hanging on and letting go. It’s a tough job for a parent. It may serve us well to have a giggle on occasion as we count the number of days left for trying to nail jello to a tree.
Elaina Riley, M.S.WElaina Riley is a licensed independent social worker. She holds a master of social work
degree from the University of Iowa. Elaina provides counseling to children, adolescents, and adults. She has a special interest in trauma, dissociative disorders, and attachment disorders.
Elaina enjoys parenting stepsons ages 20, 18, 16, son age 7, and daughter 18 months.
Recommended ReadingsAppleton, William S. Fathers and Daughters: A Father’s Powerful Influence in Women’s Lives. NY:Doubleday, 1981.Cohen-Sandler, Roni and Michelle Silver. I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict. NY: Penguin Books, 2000.Garbarino, James. Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them. NY: Anchor Books, 2000.Kindlon, Don and Michael Thompson. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. NY: Ballantine Books, 2000.Phelan, Thomas W. Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage – and Let Go of – Your 13-18 Year Olds. Glen Ellyn, IL: Parentmagic, Inc., 1998. Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. NY: Penguin Books, 1994.
PASTORAL CARE SPECIALIST PROGRAMThe Center is once again pleased to offer the Pastoral Care
Specialist Program, a competency-enhancing two-year program designed for the professional development and renewal of pastors, chaplains, and other persons involved in ministries of pastoral care. Participants meet once each month to learn about areas critical to effective pastoral care, and to receive support, encouragement, and consultation on their work. Participants can solidify what they already do well and integrate new knowledge and skills into their ministries. Seminar topics vary each year.
This year’s program begins the second Tuesday of September (September 8, 2009) and runs through the second Tuesday of June (June 8, 2010). Participants meet from 8:45 a.m. to noon. Tuition for the program is $500 for each of the two years. Registration is limited. For additional information or to obtain a registration form, contact Peter Brantner, M.Div., M.S., at 515-274-4006 or [email protected].
C.O.O.L. Corner Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
Walking the Walk with Your Teen“You can tell me anything.”•
”Thendon’tgetmadwhenIdo.”“You have to be able to stand up for • yourself.”
”Thenletmedothatwithyou.It startswithstandingupformyself withyou.”
“Iwantyoutothinkforyourself.”• ”Thenallowmetodisagreewithyou withoutyoubecomingoverlyhurtor angry.”
“Iwantyoutospendtimewithmeand• to be a part of this family.”
”ThendosomethingsIliketodo, likelistentomymusicwithme.”
“Iwantyoutolearnhowtonegotiate• and compromise.”
”Thenstopdictatingalltherules, and YOU negotiate and compromise withme.”
“Youdon’thavetobeperfect.”• ”ThensupportmewhenImessup.”
“Iwantyoutobeindependent.”• ”Thenletmemakesomeofmyown decisionswithyoursupport.”
Creating a Healthy Congregation and Congregational Leadership
in Anxious TimesWith Rev. Dr. Peter Steinke
October 18 & 19, 2009
How do we keep pastors and churches in a healthy relationship? What are the signs of an anxious system? What do we do if/when trouble comes? Sponsored by the Presbytery of Des Moines with support from Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, each day’s workshop will provide a primer on understanding the congregation as an emotional system within the basic concepts of Bowen Theory (family systems theory).
Sunday, Oct. 18, 2:00 – 6:00 p.m., for congregational •leaders and pastors, $20 individuals, $35 church groupMonday, Oct. 19, 9:30 a.m. – 4:00 p.m., for pastors, $50 •(includes lunch)
Both sessions will be held at Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ, 4126 Ingersoll Ave., Des Moines. For more information or to register, contact the Presbytery (515-276-4991 or [email protected]).
Dr. Steinke is the original designer of the Healthy Congregations concept and author of numerous books on the topic. He is an internationally respected congregational systems consultant who has also served as a parish pastor, an
educator, and a therapist for clergy.
Counseling Assistance for Those Who Need It
The economic downturn is adding significant pressure to already fragile lives. In this troubling and uncertain time, those in our community struggling with life’s issues on very limited resources are experiencing pain, confusion and despair beyond what they can handle alone. For 37 years the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has helped people through difficult times in their lives by offering high-quality, affordable mental health counseling to all.
Your gift today can help: calm the panic and fear in a distressed child, • bring a sense of clarity to a confused teenager, and • offer renewed hope to someone whose prior • experience has taught them to give up on finding help or healing.
Your support can make a very real difference in someone’s life. Contact Kathleen Murrin (515-274-4006 or [email protected]) for information on how to make a gift that will make a real difference.
NEW CENTER STAFF We are very pleased to welcome Mollie Michelfelder, M.S.W., to the Center staff. Mollie is a licensed
master of social work. She earned a B.A. in religious studies (concentration in women’s studies) from the University of Iowa and an M.S.W. also from the University of Iowa.
Mollie provides counseling to adults. She is particularly interested in working with trauma survivors. She has completed training in E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), facilitated introductory yoga classes with trauma survivors, and provided consultation on trauma-related issues. She is a member of ISSTD (International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation) and NASW (National Association of Social Workers). Please call the Center (515-274-4006) to schedule an appointment.
Searching for Self in All the Wrong Places: Understanding Different Personality Styles
Over the past 40 years, clinicians have been bombarded with a vast amount of information – both instructive and confusing – regarding the treatment of personality disorders. This class, informed by the Masterson Approach, offers the clinician an integrated approach to personality disorders. The clinician can expect to learn how psychodynamic, attachment, and neurobiological theories interrelate in the conceptualization of personality, and to gain a general understanding of how theory is applied to the clinical situation. Part I will provide a theoretical foundation; Part II will address clinical application. (Part II will be offered this winter.)
Dates: September 11- November 13, 2009 Time: Fridays, 8:15 - 9:45 a.m.Location: Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center 2929 Westown Pkwy., Ste. 110 West Des Moines 50266Cost: $200 plus optional texts CEUs: 15.00 hours Instructor: Curtis Rich, M.S.W., L.I.S.W.To Register: Contact the Center ~ 515-274-4006, [email protected]
32
level of challenge to handle certain activities can be a daunting task. A certain amount of conflict is to be expected within this negotiation process. I am reminded of my own toddler standing and balancing herself precariously on the arms of her own small chair while reaching to play with the pull cord of an expensive and delicate table lamp. Saying, “No, no” had very little effect. She was determined to do it regardless of what I said was about to happen. Moving the chair away from the lamp was an easy enough fix—at least for now. Though she protested loudly, restricting her access and interrupting the activity was necessary to ensure her safety.
Teenagers are also prone to times of impulsive grandiosity, engaging in activities and situations with utter abandonment that may ultimately not be in their best interests. It is important that parents monitor and be aware of teen activities, relationships, and media exposure and set limits according to a teen’s ability to handle them, and not necessarily according to his or her chronological age.
Adolescence is an exciting time full of vitality, growth, and changes. Watching your teenager transform in such a short time is a bittersweet experience for a parent. There are moments of anxiety and fear intermingled with moments of triumph and celebration. Moments of hanging on and letting go. It’s a tough job for a parent. It may serve us well to have a giggle on occasion as we count the number of days left for trying to nail jello to a tree.
Elaina Riley, M.S.WElaina Riley is a licensed independent social worker. She holds a master of social work
degree from the University of Iowa. Elaina provides counseling to children, adolescents, and adults. She has a special interest in trauma, dissociative disorders, and attachment disorders.
Elaina enjoys parenting stepsons ages 20, 18, 16, son age 7, and daughter 18 months.
Recommended ReadingsAppleton, William S. Fathers and Daughters: A Father’s Powerful Influence in Women’s Lives. NY:Doubleday, 1981.Cohen-Sandler, Roni and Michelle Silver. I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict. NY: Penguin Books, 2000.Garbarino, James. Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them. NY: Anchor Books, 2000.Kindlon, Don and Michael Thompson. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. NY: Ballantine Books, 2000.Phelan, Thomas W. Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage – and Let Go of – Your 13-18 Year Olds. Glen Ellyn, IL: Parentmagic, Inc., 1998. Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. NY: Penguin Books, 1994.
PASTORAL CARE SPECIALIST PROGRAMThe Center is once again pleased to offer the Pastoral Care
Specialist Program, a competency-enhancing two-year program designed for the professional development and renewal of pastors, chaplains, and other persons involved in ministries of pastoral care. Participants meet once each month to learn about areas critical to effective pastoral care, and to receive support, encouragement, and consultation on their work. Participants can solidify what they already do well and integrate new knowledge and skills into their ministries. Seminar topics vary each year.
This year’s program begins the second Tuesday of September (September 8, 2009) and runs through the second Tuesday of June (June 8, 2010). Participants meet from 8:45 a.m. to noon. Tuition for the program is $500 for each of the two years. Registration is limited. For additional information or to obtain a registration form, contact Peter Brantner, M.Div., M.S., at 515-274-4006 or [email protected].
C.O.O.L. Corner Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
Walking the Walk with Your Teen“You can tell me anything.”•
”Thendon’tgetmadwhenIdo.”“You have to be able to stand up for • yourself.”
”Thenletmedothatwithyou.It startswithstandingupformyself withyou.”
“Iwantyoutothinkforyourself.”• ”Thenallowmetodisagreewithyou withoutyoubecomingoverlyhurtor angry.”
“Iwantyoutospendtimewithmeand• to be a part of this family.”
”ThendosomethingsIliketodo, likelistentomymusicwithme.”
“Iwantyoutolearnhowtonegotiate• and compromise.”
”Thenstopdictatingalltherules, and YOU negotiate and compromise withme.”
“Youdon’thavetobeperfect.”• ”ThensupportmewhenImessup.”
“Iwantyoutobeindependent.”• ”Thenletmemakesomeofmyown decisionswithyoursupport.”
Creating a Healthy Congregation and Congregational Leadership
in Anxious TimesWith Rev. Dr. Peter Steinke
October 18 & 19, 2009
How do we keep pastors and churches in a healthy relationship? What are the signs of an anxious system? What do we do if/when trouble comes? Sponsored by the Presbytery of Des Moines with support from Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, each day’s workshop will provide a primer on understanding the congregation as an emotional system within the basic concepts of Bowen Theory (family systems theory).
Sunday, Oct. 18, 2:00 – 6:00 p.m., for congregational •leaders and pastors, $20 individuals, $35 church groupMonday, Oct. 19, 9:30 a.m. – 4:00 p.m., for pastors, $50 •(includes lunch)
Both sessions will be held at Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ, 4126 Ingersoll Ave., Des Moines. For more information or to register, contact the Presbytery (515-276-4991 or [email protected]).
Dr. Steinke is the original designer of the Healthy Congregations concept and author of numerous books on the topic. He is an internationally respected congregational systems consultant who has also served as a parish pastor, an
educator, and a therapist for clergy.
Counseling Assistance for Those Who Need It
The economic downturn is adding significant pressure to already fragile lives. In this troubling and uncertain time, those in our community struggling with life’s issues on very limited resources are experiencing pain, confusion and despair beyond what they can handle alone. For 37 years the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has helped people through difficult times in their lives by offering high-quality, affordable mental health counseling to all.
Your gift today can help: calm the panic and fear in a distressed child, • bring a sense of clarity to a confused teenager, and • offer renewed hope to someone whose prior • experience has taught them to give up on finding help or healing.
Your support can make a very real difference in someone’s life. Contact Kathleen Murrin (515-274-4006 or [email protected]) for information on how to make a gift that will make a real difference.
NEW CENTER STAFF We are very pleased to welcome Mollie Michelfelder, M.S.W., to the Center staff. Mollie is a licensed
master of social work. She earned a B.A. in religious studies (concentration in women’s studies) from the University of Iowa and an M.S.W. also from the University of Iowa.
Mollie provides counseling to adults. She is particularly interested in working with trauma survivors. She has completed training in E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), facilitated introductory yoga classes with trauma survivors, and provided consultation on trauma-related issues. She is a member of ISSTD (International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation) and NASW (National Association of Social Workers). Please call the Center (515-274-4006) to schedule an appointment.
Searching for Self in All the Wrong Places: Understanding Different Personality Styles
Over the past 40 years, clinicians have been bombarded with a vast amount of information – both instructive and confusing – regarding the treatment of personality disorders. This class, informed by the Masterson Approach, offers the clinician an integrated approach to personality disorders. The clinician can expect to learn how psychodynamic, attachment, and neurobiological theories interrelate in the conceptualization of personality, and to gain a general understanding of how theory is applied to the clinical situation. Part I will provide a theoretical foundation; Part II will address clinical application. (Part II will be offered this winter.)
Dates: September 11- November 13, 2009 Time: Fridays, 8:15 - 9:45 a.m.Location: Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center 2929 Westown Pkwy., Ste. 110 West Des Moines 50266Cost: $200 plus optional texts CEUs: 15.00 hours Instructor: Curtis Rich, M.S.W., L.I.S.W.To Register: Contact the Center ~ 515-274-4006, [email protected]
Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center September/October 2009
Adolescence: Understanding What Teens Need from Their Parents
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an independent, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 37 years of ser-vice to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Lamoni, Lenox, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
ADOLESCENCE
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
www.dmpcc.orgVisit the Center’s website for more information on the Center’s
counseling services and staff, special events and classes.
Adolescence: Understanding What Teens Need from Their Parents . Page 1C.O.O.L. Corner ........................................................................................... Page 2New Center Staff .......................................................................................... Page 2Pastoral Care Specialist Program .............................................................. Page 3Searching for Self in All the Wrong Places ............................................... Page 3Creating a Healthy Congregation ............................................................. Page 3Counseling Assistance for Those Who Need It ..................................... Page 3Personal Growth and Development Presentations ............................... Page 4Campaign for Hope and Healing ............................................................... Page 4
I found myself giggling at a sign about parenting teenagers in a whimsical shop while vacationing this summer with my family. My husband pointed it out to me: “Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree.” While we giggled together and exchanged that knowing look, I observed my 18-month-old daughter standing up haphazardly in her stroller—despite being buckled in—and gleefully throwing her full weight forward. She was thrilled with this new game and enjoying it immensely. She was also in danger of nearly toppling herself over face-forward, and all the while oblivious to the danger of her activity despite my repeated warnings that she was about to “fall down and go boom.” Yep. Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree. So is raising toddlers.
In fact, toddlers and teenagers share many of the same developmental traits and tasks along certain dimensions. It may be useful to think of adolescence as the “toddlerhood” of adulthood—impulsive, energetic, intense, grandiose, exploratory, with alternating extremes of confident willfulness and utter self-doubt, despair and fearfulness. Although it is tempting to view our teenagers as “little adults,” when we bear in mind these similarities it helps to remind us that they are still children with many child-like needs. It is important for parents to understand the needs of their adolescents along some of these child-like dimensions in order to most effectively facilitate their growing up by responding in a developmentally sensitive and appropriate way.
Separation and Individuation The primary developmental task in adolescence is to separate
psychologically from parents and to form a sense of identity that includes one’s own individuality as well as a connection to preferred people and groups. It is this separation and individuation process that prepares and transitions adolescents to independence and adulthood.
Similarly, we see this separation and individuation process first occurring during toddlerhood when the young child awakens to itself as separate from caregivers, having a will of its own that is acted out upon the environment with the power to make things happen. That fierce independence that exclaims, “No, me do it!” that pushes away helping hands and stubbornly insists that you stay out of it. We are also familiar with the frantic, frustrated, or utterly devastated toddler who clings and sobs when his or her own efforts “to do” are thwarted or met by disappointment or failure
Independence and DependenceOne minute independent and pushing away and the next
dependent and clinging, this ambivalent I-need-you-I-don’t-need-you behavior marks the separation and individuation phases of both toddlerhood and adolescence. The teen who vehemently protests for you to “Stay out of my life!” is the same teen who will go out of his or her way to mope around until you ask them what is wrong. While it may look different
in adolescence, it is, in effect, rooted in the same developmental dilemma: If I grow up and can do things for myself, what if I need you again? Can I come back? Will you still be there?
Successful mastery of this dilemma involves the experiential process that develops over time in which the child and the youth both learn that independence (reliance on self) and dependence (reliance on the other) are not mutually exclusive. They coexist in every individual, increasing and decreasing within situational contexts. When we consider that the dynamics in earlier childhood parallel those in adolescence, it helps to inform the parental response to this often confusing stage of development where the realization of true independence and autonomy is both an exhilarating and frightening discovery. Let’s consider some of these responses.
The Need for Attention and Recognition Toddlers joyfully demonstrate every nuance of skill and
discovery to their parents. Parents respond with similar excitement, “Look at what you can do!” Adolescents are engaged in multiple new activities and explorations as a function of both their greater socialization and preparation for adulthood. It is important for parents to not only be aware of these newly developing skills and interests, but to actively recognize and express pleasure in them. “I notice how good you’re becoming at seeing the perspective of others. I am really enjoying that.” Or, “I think it’s cool that you’ve taken such an interest in music.” (It’s okay—you don’t have to enjoy the particular music they choose!) Providing attention and expressing pleasure in developing skills and interests builds an adolescent’s sense of mastery and competence. Similarly, providing encouragement for persistence (“I know this class is really hard for you, but I also know how strong you are when you put your mind to something”) and comfort during times of stress or uncertainty (“I know you are so hurt by this break-up and I am so sorry”) build an adolescent’s sense of security.
The Need for Physical Affection Perhaps less obvious is an adolescent’s need for physical
affection. While this need is often met more readily by peers, it can be observed in the teenage daughter who piles her feet on mother’s lap while sharing the couch during the movie or the son who beams pridefully when his father pounds him on the back with a hearty, “Well done, son!” When our children are very small this need for affectionate touch is more readily apparent and seems to flow more automatically in interactions with them. Though it may require more creativity and conscious thought on the part of the parent, displays of physical affection between adolescents and parents are an important way to express love and remain connected.
The Need for Reasonable Limits Lastly, the ability to set reasonable limits that reflect the
values and beliefs of the family and are sensitive to the teen’s
Personal Growth and Development Presentations
As you or groups you attend are planning for the coming program year, please give some thought to the opportunities available at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center to supplement your planning and/or support your organization’s program needs. The Center has an extensive list of TOPICS (in the areas of communication, emotional health, spiritual health, parenting, and relationships) that our experienced staff members are prepared to present for adult educational programs or tailor to the needs of your group. For a listing of topics for Personal Growth and Development presentations, check out our website (http://www.dmpcc.org/businesses/topics.html) or contact the Center (515-274-4006 or [email protected]).
Campaign for Hope and Healingour leadership givers are awesome!
Those individuals and organizations, which have taken an early leadership role in making certain the Center can bring more hope and healing to our community, are forever in our gratitude. leadership gifts are those $50,000 and above. We extend our sincerest thanks to early leadership givers to date:
anonymous Challenge grant Donor
anonymous Donor Foundation
marian and Don easter
Doris Jean and owen J. newlin
Kay and Bob Riley
larry and Judy Sheldon
Variety ~ The Children’s Charity of iowa
United Way Donor Choice
As United Way of Central Iowa launches its workplace campaign this fall, please consider directing all or part of your United Way giving to Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center
as a Donor Choice organization. Thank you.
