Let’s Talk: How to Have Difficult & Crucial ConversationsDubuque Circles Initiative Leadership Track

What are they and why they matter

What is a Crucial Conversation

A discussion between two or more people where1) Stakes are high2) Opinions vary3) Emotions run strong4) The outcome greatly impacts their lives

Some Common Crucial Conversations• Ending a relationship.• Asking a friend to repay a loan.• Giving the boss feedback about their behavior.• Critiquing a colleague’s work.• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping

commitments.• Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information

or resources.

Why Do These Conversations Go Wrong?

1) Biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to the arms and legs (fight or flight), low blood flow to the brain.

2) They arise without warning: catch us by surprise3) Confusion: they required us to improvise, often

without rehearsal time4) Self-defeating behavior: we do or say the wrong

thing, something that makes it worse

They Go One of 3 Ways…• We can avoid them.• We can face them and handle them poorly.• We can face them and handle them well.

Why Are They Important• Kick start your career.• Improve your organization.• Improve your relationships.• Revitalize your community.• Improve your personal health.

Facing the Conversation

Ground Yourself• The first conversation to have is with yourself.• What is the issue?• Why is it bothering you? What gets you “hooked”?• What are your assumptions?• What emotions are attached to the situation?• What is your purpose in having the conversation? How will

you start it?• What will happen if you have this conversation? What will

happen if you don’t?• What are you personally accountable for?

Creating a Safe Space• Embrace a mutual purpose.• Offer mutual respect.• If you are misinterpreted, use a contrasting

statement, state the message you’re NOT trying to send and then state the message you ARE trying to send.

Listen!• Seek first to understand.• Listen with curiosity and care, not judgment.• Listen for what is NOT being said.• Ask open-ended questions, such as “Tell me

more…” and “Help me understand…”

Things Can Be Interpreted Multiple Ways

“Yes, and…”• Adopt the “Yes, and…” stance.• We all see the world differently; all perceptions

are valid.• This is about owning and stating your point of

view, AND being open and willing to hear and accept another point of view.

Recognize Your Stories

Use “I” Statements• Start your sentences with “I”.• Sentences that start with “you” sound accusatory

and blaming and will likely result in defensiveness.

• Accurate and less hostile way to express a feeling or an emotion you’re experiencing.

• I-language won’t work in families where the parents tend to not listen when their children have problems. • If you want your kids to listen to you when you have a

problem, they must feel that you listen to them when they have a problem.• I-Language must be seen as a direct appeal for help.• Ask if the child would be willing to help you.

One Model of a Conversation• State what you want to discuss. “I want to talk

with you about...”• Share a specific example. “I heard…”• Explain what is bothering you. “I am concerned

about…”• Describe the importance. “From my perspective

this is important because…”• Own your own stuff. “I have some responsibility…

For this, I am sorry.”• Ask for the other perspective. “Help me

understand your point of view.”

Model Cont.• Use the tools you have. Be quiet and curious. “Tell

me more about this.”• Summarize what was learned.• Re-state the importance.• Ask for what you want next. Make an agreement.

Say, “Thank you.”• Check back in two weeks.

Let’s Practice

Model Using Scenario

1) State what you want to discuss.2) Share a specific example.3) Explain what is bothering you.4) Describe the importance.5) Own your own stuff.6) Ask for the other perspective.7) Summarize.8) Re-state Importance.9) Ask for what you want to happen.10)Explain what you will do.

Final Thoughts• They are called difficult conversations for a

reason.• Preparation is key.• Don’t be afraid to practice.• Any final thoughts, questions, etc?