Episode One FINAL

8/9/2019 Episode One FINAL

1/19

(CONFESSIONALS)

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Sup, names Seymour Zefferbee. I guess I

was the big sports guy before my 150-pound

dog decided to tackle me onto the pave-ment. (holds up three broken fingers) I

mean, I love that dog, but its like he

doesnt understand me when I yell no,

stop, dont run me over. (chuckles to

self, mutters stupid dog.) Since I

couldnt do sports, I decided to flex my

vocal chords and try out for a show. Best

decision of my life. I mean, I amsur-

roundedby chicks now.

MADISON PRETENSE

Im Madison Pretense, and I loooveacting.

I think my first experience was when I was

seven years old, when I was a munchkin in

the elementary school performance of the

Wizard of Oz. The only problem was, when-

ever it was my turn to do the little

munchkin dance, my exuberance got the best

of me and... (flails arms about and then

giggles) MADNESS! ...That was around the

time I was diagnosed with ADHD. Unrelated,

of course.

PENELOPE BONATURE

Hey, Im Penelope Bonature, and I love

love love dancing and acting. I mean, I

know singing is supposed to go along with

the dancing and the acting, but for some

reason it just doesnt work for me! (nerv-

ous giggle) I think it all started back

when my best friend backstabbed me and

stole my boyfriend away from me. My boy-

friend was totally going to propose to mereally soon too, and my BFF totally knew

that, but she went ahead and seduced him

with her feminine wiles anyway! Anyway,

that made me cry for like, a week, and it

was totally horrendous, and it screwed up

my vocal chords. So long story short, Ive

had a really bad singing voice since that

happened in the second grade.


2/19

ROXANNE DELOUISE

I am Roxanne Delouise, and I am a living

actress. I never break character. I am

forever living my life in a state of com-

plete dramatic homeostasis. Many people

believe me to be a drama queen, but I pre-fer to think of myself as the modern day

equivalent of Rosa Parks. I will not rise

from this bus seat of lifefor you to take

it and leave me in the back, cold, unat-

tached, and sitting upon the crusty gum

and grime.

SPENCER SHUNECK

Im Spencer Shuneck, but I dont really

like names since they impose a sense of

identity and meaning on a person. Youcould call me an actress, but I only enjoy

work that I do for unknown, not-for-profit

shows. The exact terminology for what I am

is neo-seclusion-actress. In my spare

time, I also take strangely angled polar-

oids of myself, write pessimistic phrases

on them and then take another polaroid of

it. Then I post them on the internet.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

I am Autumn McHaver, I have been actingsince I was four years old, and I believe

the profession of acting as we know it is

being treated a complete joke these days.

Every sissy boy and cutesy girl with some

pipes thinks theyre going to be whisked

away to Broadway and become the next Kris-

ten Chenoweth, and theyre going to get

filthy rich and famous on the stage. News-

flash, kiddies, youre all idiots! Ive

been acting for over ten years and I

havent gotten my golden fairy ride to NewYork yet! Youre all failures that will

never make it! If I havent been discov-

ered yet, then none of you should EVER be!

(pauses, calms down) I also enjoy garden-

ing.

LANCE TURNER

My name is Lance Turner, and Ive been an

actor for a looong time. Its been brought


3/19

to my attention that an overwhelming ma-

jority of my *adoring* female followers

question my sexual orientation upon meet-

ing me. (in a high-pitched voice) Hes

involved in theater? Hes cute? Too good

to be true! He must be a homosexual! No,my friends, Id like to take this opportu-

nity to tell the world I am 100% attracted

to women. Not a gay thought in this head.

Unless you mean happy, because yes. I am

pleased with the quality of my life.

(pause) I mean, not toopleased!

IZZY FISH

Im Isabel Fish, but everybody calls me

Izzy. Im an actress, and Im single. I

mean like, seriously, single and looking.And theres nothing about me thats not to

like! I dont smoke, so when we kiss, it

wont be like licking an ashtray. I take

showers every other day. If you want a

sandwich, Ill make you a sandwich. I

wont care if you forget our anniversa-

ries. I dont have an overprotective fa-

ther who will beat you with a lead pipe if

you rear end his car when youre driving

me home and you lean in to kiss me goodbye

and accidentally hit the gas pedal! Seri-ously!

MILES BACK

My name is Miles Back... and I, uh, I like

to act, when theres not an overwhelming

amount of people in the audience. Im also

pretty good at Chemistry. I can balance

redox reactions really fast. ...But, uhm,

thats not cool. Wait, I can play guitar!

Thats cool, right? I uh, oh God, I messed

this up so bad. Im sorry. Can we startthis over? I amsoawkward.

(FADES TO BLACK.)

MADISON PRETENSE (CONFESSIONAL)

So my little cousin, Petra, from Tallahas-

see is turning ten in a few days, and we

dont have the money to fly down for the


4/19

party since my mom blows all of our extra

money on cigarettes and broken dreams.

(CUT to theater kids sitting around, looking bored.)

MADISON PRETENSE

I mean, Id buy her that new Justin Bieber

doll that goes through puberty, but it

wouldnt get to her house in time for her

birthday. Besides, I dont know if her mom

would appreciate it.

IZZY FISH

(excitedly) They make those?

SPENCER SHUNECK

Why dont you do something that you can

send to her online?

MILES BACK

Yeah, like make a video of yourself and

then email it to her.

(everyone agrees)

MADISON PRETENSE

But thats awkward.

AUTUMN MCHAVERWell, youreawkward.


In the end, I decided to involve everyone

to make it less awkward. We decided to

sing and dance to Petras favorite song.

AUTUMN MCHAVER (CONFESSIONAL)

When youre involved in theater, you must

put your all into everything. It doesnt

matter if youre performing in a video fora bunch of ten-year-olds or in a concert

for elderly deaf and blind women with no

toes. You do it all with energy.

(cuts to practice)

ROXANNE DELOUISE

Okay, lets take it from the top. (touches

head dramatically)


5/19

(everyone gets into places)

TIK TOK PLAYS.

SPENCER SHUNECK

Wake up in the morning

Feeling like P. Diddy

ROXANNE DELOUISE

Got my glasses

Im out the door

Im gonna hit this city

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Before I leave

Brush my teeth

With a bottle of Jack-woah, woah, wait,

isnt this a little inappropriate for a

ten year old?

(everyone makes noises in agreement)

SPENCER SHUNECK

Does she even know what a bottle of Jack

is?


We had a littletrouble at first...

PENELOPE BONATURE

(HORRIBLY OFF-KEY) Dont stop, make it

hot--!

(everyone reacts immediately, shushing her.)

(CUT to Lance, dancing opposite of everyone. CUT to everyone argu-ing. CUT to everyone lying around on couches, on the floor, et cet-

era, looking exhausted/exasperated.)

MADISON PRETENSE

Its obvious that we need to make a few

changes.

AUTUMN MCHAVER


6/19

Oh, lets face it. We need someone to make

up for pretty boys (points to Lance)

crappy dancing and squeakys (points to

Penelope) crappy singing.

LANCE & PENELOPEHey!

LANCE TURNER (CONFESSIONAL)

Some people were criticizing my dancing. I

mean, Ill admit, sometimes my footing is

off... or I forget the choreography... or

I dont remember the combinations... or I

get a little distracted...

PENELOPE BONATURE (CONFESSIONAL)

Ill be the first to say that Im not the

best singer. I mean, seriously... (sings a

few off-key las.) See what I mean...?

Unfortunately, Lance has a problem admit-

ting he SUCKS at dancing.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Well, I could ask my friend to help us

out. She could dance Lances part and sing

Penelopes.

(everyone reacts very excitedly, suddenly filled with new energy.)

SPENCER SHUNECK (CONFESSIONAL)

One thing Ive learned from hanging with

theater people, besides the fact that all

theater boys are either gay or teetering

dangerously on it, is that new people ex-

cite us like Call of Duty excites scrawny

teenage boys with acne and no social

lives.

(CUT to Autumn and Rosaline talking.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

So I finally get to meet your elusive

theater friends?

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Yeah, of course! Why do you sound so

shocked?

ROSALINE LUNSON


7/19

Well, you keep telling me that I couldnt

meet them because I wouldnt like them

because theyre too crazy.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

After giving it some thought, I reasonedthat your brand of crazy might fit right

in with theirs.

ROSALINE LUNSON

(a bit offended) What exactly are you say-

ing?

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)

My name is Rosaline Lunson, and Autumn and

I have been friends for too long. I mean,

a long time. Shes been hanging with her

theater friends a lot lately, which is

alright I guess, Ive just been itching to

meet them for a while. I guess this is a

good thing that Im finally getting my

chance, but Im just worried that Ill

come off as a psycho to them just because

I dont know how to do jazz hands or some-

thing. (does jazz hands as she talks)

(CUT to the following day)

AUTUMN MCHAVER(entering) Hey washups. (everyone greets

her.) Rosaline should be here any minute.

(everyone fixes their hair, clothes, etc)

ROXANNE DELOUISE

In what key should we greet her?

AUTUMN MCHAVER

The usual. (knock on the door) Places,

guys!

(ROSALINE opens the door to everyone standing in a row. They sing

hello.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

I... uh... am I at the wrong house?

AUTUMN MCHAVER


8/19

(jumps out of line, nervously laughs) Oh,

Rosaline, you jokester, come in you, you,

you... (trails off, pulls Rosaline inside)

MILES BACK

(nervously approaches Rosaline) Hi, uh,Rosaline, my name is Miles Back... like,

Miles got-your-Back! Haha!

ROSALINE LUNSON

Hi, Miles, Im--

ROXANNE DELOUISE

(pushing Miles out of the way) I am Rox-

anne Delouise. Charmed to make your...

(extends hand) acquaintance.

ROSALINE LUNSONUh, hi, Roxanne, Im--

LANCE TURNER

Okay, guys, stop crowding her... (leads

Rosaline away from everyone else) Hey. Im

Lance, and Im heterosexual.

ROSALINE LUNSON

Uh, good for you?

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)So, by the looks of it, Im the least psy-

cho person here, and thats saying some-

thing. Like, my mom ran off to join the

carnies when I was two. (shakes fist) DARN

YOU BEARDED WOMAN...!

(SCENE: practice space.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER

So you remember Lance, right?

ROSALINE LUNSON

The one who said he was heterosexual?

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Yeah, him. Youre gonna be dancing his

parts and singing Penelopes.

PENELOPE BONATURE


9/19

HEY! (voice cracks) I mean... (lowers

voice) hey.

ROSALINE LUNSON

Well, why cant she sing for herself?

PENELOPE BONATURE

You want me to show her?

(everyone: NONONONONONO etc.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

Oooh kay, sure.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Okay, lets start practicing. Ive got a

few ideas for choreography, do you guys

mind?

(everyone: no.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Ill stand right in the center, and

Lance... you can stand right next to me.

Everyone else... go in the back. And Im

thinking about changing the song to Bad

Romance. Or something more romantic.

IZZY FISHUhm, I think its time for a water break?

AUTUMN MCHAVER

No, its time to PRACTICE!

MILES BACK

Actually, I could go for some water right

now.

(AUTUMN gives him the death glare. ROSALINE walks in to get water,

everyone follows (except for AUTUMN). She stops, everyone stops. She

looks worried.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER (CONFESSIONAL)

I cant believe Rosaline. She is stealing

mypeeps. Metaphorically speaking, I was

the head cheerleader of this squad and

then the new girl barges in and becomes

the leader. (to herself) Wait, why would

boys be on a cheerleading squad? Unless


10/19

theyre gay... (stares into space. Realiz-

ing the camera is still on...) ...Can I

erase? Start over? Please? (camera shakes

no)

(ROSALINE looks for a cup. Sees labeled cups, none of which have hername on it.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

Uh... where can I get a cup?

MADISON PRETENSE

You didnt bring your own?

ROSALINE LUNSON

I didnt get the memo.

AUTUMN MCHAVER(snarky) We all bring our own cups here.


Us theater kids have a system. You either

follow the system or... (awkwardly takes

of glasses, cleans them.) ...youre

screwed.

MILES BACK

(gets cup and sharpie) Ill make your cup

for you. How do you spell your name?

ROSALINE LUNSON

R...O...S...

(ROSALINE spells out her name, MILES writes it looking really ex-

cited. MILES hands her the cup, and their hands touch. They stay

there for a while until IZZY breaks through.)

IZZY FISH

OOOOKAY! Lets get back to practice!

(pulls Rosaline aside.) I have to be hon-est with you. Ive dated Miles, like, five

times, and Im in still in love with him.

FLASHBACK!

IZZY FISH

Hi.

MILES BACK

Uh.. hi.


11/19

IZZY FISH

(stands awkwardly) Good first date!

MILES BACK

Uh, what? We werent on a date...

IZZY FISH

I said, uh, good first CATE!

MILES BACK

Cate? What?

IZZY FISH

Plate! I said good PLATE!

MILES BACK

What? That makes no more sense than the

last one!

IZZY FISH

Creep on you later! I mean facebook stalk

you later! No! I mean! BYE!

END FLASHBACK

IZZY FISH

Deeply. Deeply in love with him.

IZZY FISH (CONFESSIONAL)

So that was kind of a lie. I actually just

want to make sure that Miles is available

just in case he ever wants to ask me out,

because at this point, like Joseph and his

amazing technicolor dreamcoat, any boy

will do. Well, he said dream, but for me,

a boy is a dream.

ROSALINE LUNSON

Oh okay, uh, thats, nice... Im... Imgonna get my cup now. (looks at cup in

hand) I mean, my other cup.

IZZY FISH

You only have one cup...

ROSALINE LUNSON

(walks away to sink)


12/19


After convincing Autumn to go back to my

original plan for Petras video, (shows

Autumn arguing violently with Madison) we

resumed practice.

(PENELOPE is instructing ROSALINE on where to stand. Suddenly, ROX-

ANNE breaks them apart and begins shaking PENELOPE.)

ROXANNE DELOUISE

OH, TERROR! OH, HORROR!

PENELOPE BONATURE

Roxy! Roxy! Calm the fudgebuddie bars

down! Whats your problem?!

ROXANNE DELOUISE

I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE NEW GIRLS NAME!

PENELOPE BONATURE

Roxy... shes standing right there. You

should probably just ask her.

ROXANNE DELOUISE

But I do not know her name.

PENELOPE BONATURE

...okay, youre not understanding the con-

cept of askingher--

ROXANNE DELOUISE

(abruptly) WHAT IS HER NAME?

PENELOPE BONATURE

(obviously disturbed) ITS ROSALINE!

ROXANNE DELOUISE

Oh, thank you my sweet child! Now I must

rest due to emotional fatigue. (walks a

few steps, then drops to the ground)

(ROSALINE stares blankly at ROXANNE.)

PENELOPE BONATURE

She does that a lot. Its normal. (giggles

nervously... awkward silence.) Uh, Im

just gonna, uh, help her up... yeah.

(walks away)


13/19

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

(walks up from behind Rosaline) Hey.

ROSALINE LUNSON

(startled) Woah! Uh, hi!

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Im Seymour. Youre Rosaline, right?

Rosaline is like, a totally wack name. Is

it Czechoslavian or something?

ROSALINE LUNSON

You mean, Czechoslovakian?

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Nah, Im pretty sure its Czechoslavian. I

have a cousin from there. His names Nico.

All they eat is like, ground up beans. Ithink they call it humorous.

ROSALINE LUNSON

I think your cousin is Greek.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

No, man, if he were from Greece, hed wear

one of those caps that are like, surgi-

cally implanted into the skull. And hed

have a big nose like Barbara Streisand.

ROSALINE LUNSON

Now youre stereotyping Jewish people.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Yeah, youre right, I am. (pauses.) What

am I doing?

SPENCER SHUNECK

(drags Seymour away) Oookay, thats

enough, big fella.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Spencer, she said I was stereotyping!

SPENCER SHUNECK

Seymour, do you even know what that means?

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

I... (opens his mouth like hes about to

say something, closes it, and repeats this


14/19

a few times before inching away slowly &

awkwardly.)

SPENCER SHUNECK

(turns to Rosaline) Hi, we havent for-

mally met. Im Spencer.

ROSALINE LUNSON

Isnt Spencer a boys name?

SPENCER SHUNECK

Sure, if youre a close-minded tradition-

alist who adheres to the standards of

early 20th century society.

ROSALINE LUNSON

So its not just a boys name?

SPENCER SHUNECK

(very slowly removes glasses, cleans them

without removing her gaze from Rosaline,

then pauses.) No. (walks away)


I feel a sense of emotional detachment to-

ward this decade. Its probably because of

my past life. According to a birthmark on

my inner thigh, I have deduced that in my

last life, I was a rebellious teen of the70s. Or so my friends on tumblr tell me.

(LATER ON. Everyone walks into the living room and sits in various

places.)

MADISON PRETENSE

Well, that was a... a great practice...

(forces a really cheesy smile)

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Yeah, if great means awkward.

MADISON PRETENSE

No, I meant... great. (same cheesy smile)

ROSALINE LUNSON

No, shes right. It was awkward because I

was here. Im sorry for making you all

feel uncomfortable.


15/19

MADISON PRETENSE

We werent uncomfortable, right guys?

(awkward silence.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Well, that wasnt an uncomfortable silence

at all.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Actually, I did feel the teeeeeeniest

smidgen uncomfortable... (hes elbowed in

the gut by the person nearest to him.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

You guys can be honest with me. Whats on

your minds right now?

(Theres a lengthy pause, and then all of a sudden, an EXPLOSION of

energy. Everyone is shouting their thoughts at the same time.)

LANCE TURNER

Rosaline thinks Im gay, she TOTALLY

thinks Im gay! Im not! Im STRAIGHT,

okay? And Ill prove it! (turns to Pe-

nelope) Wanna make out?

PENELOPE BONATURE

WHAT?!

ROXANNE DELOUISE

10 MEASURES OF REST, EVERYONE! (everyone

stops talking.) Now were all going to say

our thoughts one at a time-- oh, Jesus

Christ Superstar! (CUT to Lance and Pe-

nelope (fake, obviously) making out. They

look up abruptly and awkwardly inch away

from each other.) Now, I have a way to

keep this organized.

(CUT to ROSALINE holding some strange object.)

ROXANNE DELOUISE

This is the talking stick. If you dont

have the talking stick, then you are si-

lent, or may Stephen Schwartz strike you

down. (everyone does the sign of the

cross.) You may speak, Rosaline.


16/19

ROSALINE LUNSON

(staring at the talking stick) Well, uh, I

guess I feel weird because you guys all

seem to have problems with me. Im sorry

for intruding and everything, and Im

sorry you guys hate me--

AUTUMN MCHAVER

(steals the talking stick from Rosaline.

Pretends to be crying.) That was a beauti-

ful speech. (Rosaline mutters I wasnt

finished off-camera.) I feel like I need

to come clean now... Earlier, when every-

one was obsessed with you, I plotted your

death. And Im sorry.

ROSALINE LUNSON

What?

IZZY FISH

(takes talking stick from Autumn) I dont

hate you at all! I just hate the fact that

your hair is like a luscious cloud of hap-

piness.

SPENCER SHUNECK

(takes talking stick from Izzy) I dont

hate you, either. In fact, I admire your

gumption to stick to traditional gender

themes even though the rest of America is

working towards gender equality.

MILES BACK

(takes talking stick from Spencer) I love

you. I mean, I dont hate you either.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

(takes stick from Miles) SHUT UP, MILES.

(forces it into Seymours hands)

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

Uhh... I really dont have anything to say

right now... go football!?

ROXANNE DELOUISE

(rips talking stick out of Miles hands) I

think what it comes down to is the fact

that we were all so concerned with im-


17/19

pressing you that it interfered with our

ability to actually interact with you cor-

rectly.

(everyone voices their agreement/nods.)

ROSALINE LUNSON

(Roxanne hands her the talking stick.)

Guys, seriously, I dont care what youre

like. Honestly, look at me. The motherless

daughter of a carny, my dad hates me be-

cause of my pillow hair, (Penelope strok-

ing from behind) stop it! Youre gonna

make it angry. I mean, you could all throw

pens at me right now and I wouldnt care!

(cut to people picking up pens) NO! NO! I

mean throw your shoes at me-- I MEAN, NO!

THAT EXPENSIVE GLASS LAMP THAT COULD KILL

ME-- NO! YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU COULD THROW

ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. AT ME.AND ID STILL

LIKE YOU. OKAY? NOTHING. JUST NOTHING.

JUST PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN. (puts the talk-

ing stick on the floor.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER

...Uh, yeeeah, seriously guys, chill out.

ROXANNE DELOUISE

Excuse me, Autumn, do you havethe talking

stick?

AUTUMN MCHAVER

No, but neither do you!

ROXANNE DELOUISE

That is a true statement, however, I am

the mediator of this farce, and as media-

tor, I have explicit permission to talk as

I please.

LANCE TURNER

Thats not very fair.

ROXANNE DELOUISE

I feel you have the right to know that Im

resisting making an enraged comment right

now--


18/19

LANCE TURNER

Say it to my face, betch!

PENELOPE BONATURE

Lets just calm. Down. Guys.

AUTUMN MCHAVER

Oh no, you locked lips with Lance, you

have no say in this!

LANCE TURNER

Is that a personal attack?

(everyone else gets up and begins to argue. ROSALINE is sitting on

the couch, stricken with fear.)

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)

After the epic fight ended, everyone wasfriends again, just like that. (CUT to

theater kids sitting around, talking,

laughing and smiling.) I thought it was

pretty funny how that could happen, but

then I remembered that theater kids come

from a different planet. And really, I

dont mind it a bit. They all have strange

personalities: (as each kid is mentioned,

theres a close-up of them as they inter-

act with each other.) Spencers too hip-

ster to function and Seymours dumber thanmy brother who failed the first grade

three times. Penelopes a bit creepy,

Madisons a spaz, and Lance overcompen-

sates like woah. Izzys a little boy crazy

and Roxannes a total character. Autumn

is... still Autumn, unfortunately. But you

know what? Everyones individuality is

what makes them interesting. I can tell

life is never going to be the same.

(FADES TO BLACK.)

(SCENE: a stage/cleared off place where the dance routine will take

place. Everyone is standing in a line in back. Madison is closest to

the camera.)

MADISON PRETENSE

Is it recording?


19/19

LANCE TURNER

(holding a camera.) Yeah!

MADISON PRETENSE

(very excitedly, spazzing out a bit.)

Okay! Hi Petra! HAPPY TENTH BIRTHDAY! Myfriends and I put this together for you, I

hope you like it! Give kisses to Aunt Lucy

and Uncle Bob for me! Muah! Muah! Muah!

Muah! Muah!

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE

(walking up to Madison. He taps her on the

shoulder. She abruptly starts.) Maddie.

Lets just do this.

MADISON PRETENSE

Oh, right. (she and Seymour go to their

places.)

(Everyone performs TIK TOK. At the end, they all scream HAPPY

BIRTHDAY PETRA!)

END PILOT EPISODE.

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Episode One FINAL