By Craig Sodaro

© Copyright 2013, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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ONE IN A MILLION

By CRAIG SODARO

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

JUDGE ......................................judge in Ginny’s case 62GINNY ARCHER .........................foster child; 15 years old 228MS. GRIMSTADT ........................social worker 63CARRIE BLOOMFIELD .................acquisitions librarian 130SUNNY ARCHER ........................Ginny’s sister; another foster 123

child; 13 years oldGRANDMA ................................Carrie’s mother 78JOSH ........................................friend of Ginny and Sunny’s 84TINA .........................................another 58BRIAN ......................................another 61FRANCINE .................................another 53OLIVER BLOOMFIELD .................computer genius; inventor 82HAL’S VOICE .............................Oliver’s latest invention; played 10

as a live or recorded voiceoverANNOUNCER .............................on TV 7LULU ........................................TV bachelorette 4SHANA .....................................TV announcer of lottery numbers 3LOUELLA PIERPONT ...................ruthless businesswoman who 77

owns the townLEONARD PIERPONT ..................her son 50OFFICER FLINT ..........................police officer 27TRIXIE ......................................a hired thug 79DIXIE ........................................her partner 76

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SETTINGTime: Present, with flashbacks to the previous week.Place: Judge’s chambers with flashbacks to the Bloomfield home, QuickMart and the Pierpont mansion.

SET DESCRIPTIONThe living room of the Bloomfield home. It’s a comfortable but ramshackle room, cluttered with books, magazines, electronic gadgets and a few modernistic art pieces. A hallway that leads to the front door is STAGE RIGHT. Another door, STAGE LEFT, leads to the kitchen. A door UP CENTER leads to the upstairs and downstairs areas of the house, including Oliver’s study and the family’s bedrooms. A couch sits DOWN RIGHT with a small coffee table piled with books in front of it. A dining table set with four chairs sits DOWN LEFT. This table holds stacks of books, some paper and pencils. More books are found on a small bookshelf DOWN LEFT, including an old high school yearbook. All across UPSTAGE there are stacks of books lining the floors. UP LEFT stands an artful partition screen. A large picture of Thomas Edison hangs on the UPSTAGE wall. Pictures of other famous inventors may also decorate the room. A television with a video game console connected to it is on a stand DOWN RIGHT, facing UPSTAGE.Scenes in other locations are played on the FORESTAGE with special lighting. On the television and at the Pierpont mansion are played FORESTAGE LEFT. QuickMart is FORESTAGE CENTER. The Judge’s chambers are represented by two armchairs, FORESTAGE RIGHT, which remain onstage for the entire play.

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SET DESIGN

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ONE IN A MILLION

ACT ONEAT RISE: SPOTLIGHT UP on the Judge’s chambers, revealing GINNY, who sits reading a book.JUDGE: (ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT and sits.) Ms. Archer? (No

response.) Ms. Archer? Ginny?GINNY: Oh, sorry. Nobody calls me that. Ms. Archer. Sounds weird,

you know?JUDGE: May I call you Ginny?GINNY: Sure. Everybody else does.JUDGE: Good. I’ve called you into my chambers so you can help me

out.GINNY: How? I mean, didn’t they tell you what happened?JUDGE: (Frustrated.) They told me. They told me! But I’m not sure what

they told me.GINNY: Well, I guess some of them can get kind of confused.JUDGE: You’re being kind, Ginny. And somehow I sense that if there’s

any truth to what happened, you’re the one who can tell it to me.GINNY: I’ll try.JUDGE: That’s all I ask, Ginny.GINNY: Where do you want me to start?JUDGE: Start at the beginning.GINNY: Me and Sunny—JUDGE: Sunny and I.GINNY: Right. Anyway, Sunny and I live with the Bloomfields. They’re

our current mom and dad.JUDGE: They’re your foster parents.GINNY: Right. Our real mom got killed in a car accident when we were

just little kids, and Dad kind of went off the deep end and he got himself into—

JUDGE: I know what happened, Ginny.GINNY: Then, I guess you know we don’t have any relatives or anything

and, well, we got lucky and ended up with Carrie and Oliver. I mean, the Bloomfields. They took us both in. And you know where we live, right?

JUDGE: Yes. Ms. Grimstadt has described the place for me.GINNY: (Scoffs.) Yeah, her.JUDGE: What’s wrong with her?

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GINNY: Nothing a heart wouldn’t cure. (LIGHTS UP on the living room of the Bloomfield home. CARRIE, who carries a stack of books, ENTERS LEFT, followed by GRIMSTADT who carries a briefcase.)

GRIMSTADT: I’ve warned you, Ms. Bloomfield.CARRIE: I’ve been trying, Ms. Grimstadt. Really. (Sets the books on

the dining table.) I’m much more organized, aren’t I, Ginny? (Takes her hands off the pile of books. They fall to the floor.) Oh, dear!

GINNY: (Steps into the scene and crosses to the table. SPOTLIGHT OUT. JUDGE remains in chair, watching the stage action.) I’ll get them, Carrie. (Picks up books.)

GRIMSTADT: And that’s another thing I’ve warned you about!GINNY: Sorry! It just slipped out.CARRIE: Really, Ms. Grimstadt, we don’t mind the girls calling us by

our first names. They’re our names, after all. And Mrs. Bloomfield sounds so… so…

GRIMSTADT: Full of respect?CARRIE: I was going to say full of money.GRIMSTADT: Which is another thing!CARRIE: Ms. Grimstadt, haven’t you hit a bump in the road once in

a while?GINNY: She is a bump in the road.GRIMSTADT: What was that?GINNY: I said this is a dump of a load. (Slams the books on the table.)CARRIE: Oliver has been working very hard on his latest project, and

as soon as it’s complete, he’s going to sell it.GRIMSTADT: (Sarcastic.) And the royalties will come rolling in.CARRIE: Anything wrong with that?GRIMSTADT: If it were even remotely possible, no, of course not. But

how many times have you and your husband dreamed this pipe dream?

CARRIE: Oh, it’s not a pipe dream.GINNY: Oliver’s got some terrific ideas!GRIMSTADT: You mean Mr. Bloomfield’s got some terrific ideas.GINNY: See? Even you agree with me.GRIMSTADT: Look, the school informed me that the girls couldn’t pay

several of their fees.CARRIE: We just asked for a bit of an extension. I only get paid once a

month, and the library hours were cut back. And then Grandma lost her teeth, and we had to get them replaced, because otherwise

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she’d have to eat nothing but oatmeal, and she hates oatmeal, and… and…

GINNY: And school fees are stupid. The constitution says so.GRIMSTADT: Ms. Archer, if the school district requires a fee, it is not

stupid.GINNY: A fee to rent a school locker is stupid.GRIMSTADT: It helps with maintenance.GINNY: Did you have to rent lockers when you were in school?GRIMSTADT: That is beside the point.CARRIE: We told the principal the girls don’t need a locker, but he

said we have to pay the fee anyway.GRIMSTADT: Well, of course!GINNY: Why?GRIMSTADT: Because. That’s the reason. Because. Now, if we weren’t

short of foster homes, I would remove Ginny and Sunny from this place immediately.

CARRIE: Oh, no!GINNY: You can’t do that!GRIMSTADT: I can, and I will. (To CARRIE.) As soon as I can find a

suitable home, I’m moving the girls and severing your ties with Child Services.

GINNY: That’s not fair!GRIMSTADT: I’m only interested in your welfare, Ginny.GINNY: Ms. Archer to you.GRIMSTADT: You see, Ms. Bloomfield, you’re doing everything wrong

with these girls. And the results will haunt them and you for the rest of their lives. I’ll be in touch. (Moves RIGHT.)

CARRIE: (Through tears.) Oh, Ms. Grimstadt, the girls are part of our family. Can’t we discuss this further? Would you care for a cup of tea?

GRIMSTADT: I’m afraid not. I’ve got a full evening scheduled. (Turns to go.)

SUNNY: (Runs ON RIGHT, looking behind her. Does not see GRIMSTADT.) What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her! (Smashes into GRIMSTADT, who, like an oak tree, stands unperturbed.) Ouch! Golly, watch where you’re standing!

CARRIE: Sunny! You weren’t watching where you were going. Apologize, please.

SUNNY: Sorry.CARRIE: Sunny—

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SUNNY: I’m sorry I smashed into you, Ms. Grimstadt. (Realizes whom she smashed into.) Ms. Grimstadt! Oh, no! (Races OFF RIGHT.)

GINNY: (Shouts to SUNNY as she goes.) She’s happy to see you, too.CARRIE: Ginny—GINNY: Just saying.GRIMSTADT: In my line of work, I’ve had to develop a very thick skin.

(EXITS RIGHT.)GINNY: Like a rhino.GRIMSTADT: (From OFF RIGHT.) I heard that!CARRIE: Oh dear, Ginny, what are we going to do?GINNY: Look, Carrie, it’s going to work out. Isn’t it?CARRIE: Well, sure! As soon as Olly gets his project done and out to a

few investors, we’ll be on a roll. At least most of the bills are paid and Grandma got her new teeth.

GRANDMA: (ENTERS UP CENTER and looks around. Speaks as though she has no teeth.) Anybody see my teeth?

CARRIE: Granny, they’re brand-new.GRANDMA: I know that, Carrie, but they just up and walked away.CARRIE: C’mon, let’s go check the kitchen. (Moves to GRANDMA and

takes her by the arm.)GRANDMA: Hope I didn’t flush ’em down the pot! (EXITS LEFT with

CARRIE.)JOSH: (ENTERS RIGHT with SUNNY, BRIAN, TINA and FRANCINE.) Wow,

that was close!TINA: You’d have been in, like, major trouble, Sunny.GINNY: What were you guys going to do?SUNNY: Nothing!BRIAN: Nothing but let the air out of that lady’s tires.GINNY: Sunny, she’s ready to jerk us out of this place as it is! You

want to make it worse?FRANCINE: Is she like the police or something?SUNNY: Worse. Child Services. What was she doing here… again?GINNY: What do you think?TINA: She doesn’t like you guys?GINNY: She doesn’t like the Bloomfields.JOSH: Why? I think they’re cool.BRIAN: Yeah! I mean, look at this place. My mom would yell at me

if my room looked like this, but you get to have your whole house look like it.

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GINNY: Carrie can’t help it if she’s got to read so many books.FRANCINE: And Mr. B. is always working on some kind of invention,

right?JOSH: That’s, like, really cool. Maybe he’ll invent an invisibility cape

like in Harry Potter.TINA: Yeah! Then we wouldn’t have to look at you.JOSH: You’re about as funny as the Black Plague.BRIAN: (Imitating.) “Which ravaged Europe in the 14th century, killing

over a third of the population.”FRANCINE: Mr. Jarvis was really into it today in history, wasn’t he?TINA: (Imitating.) “The Black Plague was nothing but a lottery of death.”SUNNY/BRIAN/FRANCINE/JOSH: Lottery!BRIAN: You still got it?SUNNY: (Pulls out a lottery ticket.) Our ticket to paradise.GINNY: What is that?FRANCINE: It’s our lottery ticket.GINNY: Where’d you get a lottery ticket?TINA: Bought it.GINNY: Yeah, right. You’ve got to be 18 to buy a lottery ticket.JOSH: I look 18. I even shave.BRIAN: Yeah, once a week.GINNY: I get it, it’s an old one somebody threw away.SUNNY: Nope! We found it.TINA: Right on the floor in QuickMart.GINNY: It’s probably just an old one.JOSH: Nope! It was bought today.SUNNY: And it’s our ticket to paradise!GINNY: Yeah, right.SUNNY: We’re going to split it five ways, and I’m going to buy out the

entire first floor of Macy’s.BRIAN: The appliance section?SUNNY: No, the second floor.JOSH: Men’s clothes? Wow!FRANCINE: Josh could use some new duds.SUNNY: No! I’m going to buy myself a whole new wardrobe.GINNY: Well, don’t bag up all your old stuff just yet, guys.JOSH: I know. Ms. Hanover told us in math that there’s only a one in

500 million chance of winning or something like that.

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SUNNY: (Pouts.) Well, that’s better than no chance at all! (SOUND EFFECT: LOUD CRASH from OFF UP CENTER.)

FRANCINE: What’s that?SUNNY: Oliver’s coming upstairs.GINNY: He always drops tools on the way.SUNNY: I gotta hide this ticket.TINA: He won’t care, will he?SUNNY: I want it to be a surprise. He could sure use some winnings

to help him with his inventions.BRIAN: You don’t need to hide it, Sunny. Just put it on the table with

everything else.GINNY: Brian’s right. Oliver will never notice it.SUNNY: No! It might be the winning ticket. I ought to put it in my safe

deposit box.JOSH: You’ve got a safe deposit box?SUNNY: No. So I’ll stick it… (Looks around for inspiration.) …in

Grandma’s old yearbook. Yeah, nobody looks through that! (Takes the yearbook off the bookshelf, slips the lottery ticket between the pages and replaces the book on the shelf.)

FRANCINE: What school’s that from?GINNY: Beaver Brook High, 1959.SUNNY: Home of the Eager Beavers. (GRANDMA ENTERS LEFT,

pushing her teeth into place.)GINNY: Hi, Grandma. Nice day, huh?GRANDMA: If you like aches and pains. I’m gonna take a nap ’til

dinner. (Shuffles OFF UP CENTER.)TINA: Gosh, that’s a Eager Beaver?FRANCINE: My turtle Tommy has more get up and go.GINNY: Don’t underestimate Grandma. If her engine gets revved up,

she can do zero to 15 in 30 seconds.OLIVER: (ENTERS UP CENTER carrying a small metal or plastic box

with an antenna and several wires and knobs attached. The side of the box facing the audience reads “Hal” in bold letters. OLIVER also carries a hammer and several notebooks.) Hi, kids! (Drops the hammer.) Oops!

JOSH: New invention, Mr. Bloomfield?OLIVER: The hammer? Oh, no. Somebody invented that a long time

ago. (Clumsily sets items on table.)JOSH: No, I meant that thing. (Indicates the box.)OLIVER: This isn’t a thing. This is Hal.

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BRIAN: Hal?OLIVER: Hal will one day be your friend.FRANCINE: He’s a bit too square for me.GINNY: Francie’s kidding, Oliver.OLIVER: Well, he might not look like much, but his whole goal in life is

to make your life easier.TINA: He’ll do my homework?OLIVER: He’ll help.SUNNY: Really? How?OLIVER: You know, kids, we are faced with making decisions every

day. The Institute for Institutional Studies says that the average adult these days makes 3,978 decisions every day.

BRIAN: No wonder it takes my mom so long to shop.OLIVER: Bingo! But Hal will cut that time down drastically.FRANCINE: I hope he’s got good taste.OLIVER: He’ll have your taste. Anybody got a phone?FRANCINE: Here you go. (Offers him her smartphone from her pocket.)OLIVER: (Holds up a small card.) First, I need to sync Hal to your phone

by scanning in my new Hal app… (Scans the card with the phone.) …just like that. And now let me make a few adjustments. (Adjusts Hal’s antenna.) I’ve got to get the strongest signal… There we go. I think that’s perfect.

JOSH: What’s it doing?OLIVER: It’s pulling every bit of information ever recorded about Tina

here—GINNY: Francine, Oliver.OLIVER: Sorry… Francine. Are you sure you’re not Tina? I thought you

were Tina. Tina’s the blonde (or whatever hair color Francine has) one.

BRIAN: That was last week.TINA: We switched hair colors, Mr. Bloomfield.OLIVER: Well, Hal knows everything about anyone who syncs their

phone with him and with that knowledge can make informed decisions that will take the monkey off your back.

JOSH: Gosh, Francine, I thought that was just a backpack.OLIVER: So, Francine, let’s say you need to make a decision.FRANCINE: Like what?SUNNY: I know! You’re in Cone Heads Ice Cream Shop. Pick a flavor.TINA: Yeah! It takes hours for her to choose.

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FRANCINE: They all look sooo good!OLIVER: All right. (Speaks into phone.) Hal, what flavor ice cream do

I want? (No response.) Hal? What flavor do I want? (No response.)GINNY: Maybe Hal’s on the other line.OLIVER: Hal! I need a decision now, please.SUNNY: Yeah, just be firm with him.OLIVER: Ice cream flavor, Hal!HAL’S VOICE: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.FRANCINE: I’ve never tried that flavor before.OLIVER: Hal, what ice cream flavor should I pick?HAL’S VOICE: World Geography for 200.BRIAN: Hey! Hal can play Jeopardy!OLIVER: Oh, blast! Hal, you need a bit more tweaking!HAL’S VOICE: I wouldn’t be surprised.GINNY: Well, even if he doesn’t get the answers right, he’s got a very

nice voice.SUNNY: I’m sure you’ll get him working right, Oliver.OLIVER: Right. I just need my plans… (Looks through the notebooks.)

This one will help! (Picks up Hal and a notebook.) Bad boy, Hal! Bad boy! (EXITS UP CENTER.)

JOSH: Gosh, your dad’s pretty far out, Sunny!SUNNY: Yeah, he’s far out. But he’s not my dad.JOSH: Oh, yeah. I forgot.GINNY: Sometimes we do, too. I just wish I could convince Grimstadt

of that.TINA: She’s really on your mom and dad’s case, isn’t she?GINNY: Yeah.SUNNY: She just doesn’t see their possibilities.CARRIE: (ENTERS LEFT carrying a new pair of shoes.) Oh, hi, kids!

Here are your new shoes, Sunny.SUNNY: Thanks, Carrie. Why are they so cold?CARRIE: I grabbed them thinking they were the hot dogs and put them

in the refrigerator. Are you kids all staying for dinner?TINA: Oh, thanks, Mrs. B., but I ought to be getting home.JOSH: Me, too.CARRIE: Well, there are plenty of hot dogs. And we’ve got chips and

watermelon and ice cream for dessert.TINA: I can call my mom and ask if I can stay.JOSH: Yeah, we’re just having leftovers.

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CARRIE: Great! And, Sunny, would you go upstairs and get the hot dogs and other groceries out of your closet?

SUNNY: Sure, Carrie.CARRIE: Give me 15 minutes, and I’ll rustle up the grub. (EXITS LEFT.)FRANCINE: Your folks are great, guys. My mom’s so boring. She

always keeps hot dogs in the refrigerator.SUNNY: Hey, I just thought of something. Somebody ought to copy the

numbers on that lottery ticket so we know if we win.JOSH: Yeah, you don’t want the whole neighborhood knowing you got

the winning ticket.TINA: Not until you’ve got a lawyer or something.FRANCINE: I hear if you win, all kinds of relatives start crawling out of

the woodwork like cockroaches.SUNNY: Gross! But for once we’re lucky. We don’t have any relatives.GINNY: Besides that, you guys just found it on the floor. So whose

ticket is it?SUNNY: It’s ours. All of ours. We already decided that.GINNY: Me, too?TINA: Sure!GINNY: Gosh, then I’m a millionaire!FRANCINE: One-sixth of a millionaire.GINNY: (Coming back to reality.) Guys, we’re forgetting something.

We’re not 18. We can’t be millionaires!JOSH: Wrong! I read about this kid who programs video games, and

he’s worth ten million. And he’s only 14.BRIAN: Gee, what am I doing wrong?SUNNY: Nothing. And I’ve got it all figured out how we’ll cash it. Just

get the number copied, and I’ll get the hot dogs.TINA: I’ll help!FRANCINE: Me, too. (EXITS UP CENTER with SUNNY and TINA .)JOSH: Must be pretty heavy hot dogs.BRIAN: So which book did we put the ticket in?GINNY: The Beaver Brook yearbook, 1959. It’s the one with a fuzzy

tail on the cover.BRIAN: (Selects the book.) How could I forget?!GINNY: Here, I’ll do it. (Flips open to a page but does not touch the

ticket.) Here it is.JOSH: (Grabs paper and a pencil from the dining table.) Okay, shoot!GINNY: Five, twenty-five, thirty-eight, two and ten.

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JOSH: (Writes fast.) Five, twenty-five, thirty-eight, two, ten, right?GINNY: Right.CARRIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Sunny, where are my hot dogs?GINNY: She’s getting them, Carrie.CARRIE: Looking at Grandma’s old yearbook?GINNY: (Covers.) Ah, yeah. Their hairstyles sure are funny.JOSH: I didn’t know they had cars back then.CARRIE: Of course they did. But did you know that Grandma was on

the roller derby team?GINNY: No way!SUNNY: So Grandma really was an Eager Beaver.CARRIE: (Corrects her.) Eager Beaver Bomber. The roller derby club

added the Bombers part to sound rough and tough. They were officially the Beaver Brook Eager Beaver Bombers. They almost won the national championship.

BRIAN: Roller derby? Isn’t that where they roller skate in a circle and try to push each other off into the middle?

JOSH: And they grunt and yell a lot.GINNY: That’s Grandma all over the place!SUNNY: (ENTERS UP CENTER with TINA and FRANCINE. Carries a bag

of groceries.) Here you go, Carrie.TINA: Hot dogs, chips—FRANCINE: And something that’s leaking.CARRIE: Oh, gosh, bring that right into the freezer. It’s the ice cream

for dessert. (Leads FRANCINE, SUNNY and TINA OFF LEFT.)SUNNY: How ’bout we just drink it? (EXITS LEFT.)JOSH: Hey! It’s almost five.BRIAN: They’re picking the winning numbers at five.GINNY: What channel?JOSH: Seven. (Picks up sheet of paper that he wrote lottery numbers on.)BRIAN: Lucky number seven! (SPOTLIGHT UP FORESTAGE LEFT

as ANNOUNCER ENTERS with LULU. They perform the scenes happening on the TV broadcast while the KIDS in the Bloomfield home watch and react to the TV.)

ANNOUNCER: Awww! Poor Lulu, the bachelorette, will have to be happy with the date she’s chosen.

LULU: But he’s a monkey!ANNOUNCER: Now, Lulu, nobody ever said your date would be human.LULU: What will we talk about?

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ANNOUNCER: Oh, you don’t need to talk. Just keep feeding King bananas.

LULU: I hate bananas!ANNOUNCER: Perfect! Then you’ll never have to share!LULU: Does King have a last name?JOSH: Sure. “Kong.”ANNOUNCER: Of course! Kong.BRIAN: How’d you know that?JOSH: This is a rerun. (LULU EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.)ANNOUNCER: And that’s it for tonight’s edition of Bachelorette in

Paradise.BRIAN: They sure made a monkey out of her!ANNOUNCER: And now for the Million Plus lottery pick. Here’s Shana,

our lovely lottery hostess.SHANA: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT.) Hi, everybody! Are we ready to

make somebody very, very happy?JOSH: Get on with it!SHANA: We’re going for two point eight million dollars today, Alex.BRIAN: Two point eight! That’s… that’s… like a couple hundred

thousand apiece.GINNY: It’s 466,666 each.JOSH: (With a gesture of triumph.) Yes!BRIAN: (To GINNY.) How’d you do that?GINNY: I’ve got great math genes.JOSH: That’s my problem. I just wear Levis. Yuk! Yuk!SHANA: All right, folks, here we go! (SPOTLIGHT OUT as ANNOUNCER

and SHANA EXIT FORESTAGE LEFT. LIGHTS FADE to LOW on the KIDS in the Bloomfield home, except for GINNY, who is singled out in a SPOTLIGHT as she speaks to JUDGE. JOSH and BRIAN continue to watch TV intently. SUNNY, FRANCINE and TINA ENTER LEFT. All the action UPSTAGE is in slow motion. Another SPOTLIGHT singles out JUDGE, who remains in his chambers at FORESTAGE RIGHT.)

JUDGE: So, Ms. Archer—GINNY: Ginny, remember?JUDGE: So, Ginny, this lottery lady read off the numbers.GINNY: Right.JUDGE: And what were those numbers? (As GINNY says each number,

the kids stare at the sheet JOSH is holding and get more and more excited, though in slow motion.)

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GINNY: (Slowly, builds to a climax.) Five… twenty-five… thirty-eight… two… and ten. (On “ten,” the group UPSTAGE goes wild in slow motion. They scream and yell, but we hear nothing.)

JUDGE: You held the winning ticket?GINNY: Those were the right numbers, Your Honor.JUDGE: And then this lottery lady announced the ticket had been

purchased at the QuickMart in your neighborhood?GINNY: Yes, Your Honor.JUDGE: No containing your glee, I imagine! (SPOTLIGHTS OUT on

JUDGE and GINNY. LIGHTS UP FULL on the Bloomfield home. ALL now act and move at a normal speed, and we hear them again.)

SUNNY: Let’s see those numbers! (Snatches paper from JOSH’S hand.)TINA: Are they right?FRANCINE: Ginny might have made a mistake.JOSH: How could she? She’s got great math genes!SUNNY: They’re right! They’re right!BRIAN: I… I’ve got to sit down… I’m feeling real dizzy! (Sits.)GINNY: Are you all right, Brian?BRIAN: I… I don’t know. I’ve never been rich before.TINA: I’ll get a paper bag so you can breathe into it.JOSH: Better yet, get a dollar bill so he can breathe through it. That’s

what millionaires use.CARRIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) What was all the screaming about?GINNY: Oh! Oh… nothing much, Carrie. (Sneaks the paper from SUNNY

and pockets it without CARRIE noticing.)SUNNY: We… I mean, the good ol’ U.S. of A. won a gold medal.CARRIE: I didn’t think the Olympics were for another two years.BRIAN: These are the Semi-Olympics.CARRIE: What’d we win for?JOSH: Eating the most hot dogs.CARRIE: Oh, brother! All right, don’t tell me. But if you’re that hungry,

c’mon and give me a hand setting the table. (EXITS LEFT.)TINA: We can do that. (EXITS LEFT with BRIAN. FRANCINE and JOSH

follow.)JOSH: I’ll open the bag of chips. (EXITS LEFT.)FRANCINE: Just make sure some of them make it to the table. (EXITS

LEFT.)

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GINNY: Okay, so now what? We’re not 18. We can’t claim the prize ourselves.

SUNNY: We very carefully take the winning lottery ticket from its hiding place. (Removes the ticket from yearbook.) Here, put this back. (Hands GINNY the yearbook.)

GINNY: (Salutes.) Aye, aye, sir!SUNNY: And we slip the ticket into Carrie’s purse.GINNY: You know something?SUNNY: What?GINNY: For a little sister, you sure got some very crafty ideas.SUNNY: Thank you! You know how scatterbrained Carrie is. I’ll think

of some excuse to look in her purse, and I’ll discover the ticket. And when I say that the winning ticket was sold at the QuickMart around the corner, we’ll glance at the numbers and bingo! We collect the cash.

GINNY: One problem. Where’s Carrie’s purse?SUNNY: She always keeps it here…GINNY: Always is relative in this house.SUNNY: It’s got to be here somewhere.GINNY: How about the freezer? She might have thought it was the ice

cream.SUNNY: I’ll go check my closet. She might have left it up there with

the hot dogs. (EXITS UP CENTER. GINNY EXITS LEFT.)GRANDMA: (ENTERS UP CENTER with a purse.) Carrie, where’re the

Tic-Tacs? You always got Tic-Tacs in your purse. My mouth feels like the bottom of an old boot.

CARRIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Were you calling me, Grandma?GRANDMA: Sure was! Where’re the Tic-Tacs?CARRIE: Not in my purse?GRANDMA: Nope! (Sets purse on table.)CARRIE: Well, now, what did I do with them? Last I remember they

were on top of a copy of The Great Gatsby. In fact, I had a stack of F. Scott Fitzgerald in my arms. I set those books in the workroom.

GRANDMA: Where’s the workroom?CARRIE: At the library.GRANDMA: With the Tic-Tacs?CARRIE: I’m afraid so.GRANDMA: F. Scott Fitzgerald will have the sweetest breath in town.CARRIE: Don’t worry. I’ve got iced tea with mint. That will help, won’t

it?

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GRANDMA: Poor substitute for F. Scott, but what’s a girl to do? (EXITS LEFT with CARRIE.)

SUNNY: (ENTERS UP CENTER.) Ginny? Ginny? (Sees CARRIE’S purse.) Well, lookie here! (Opens purse and drops the lottery ticket in.)

GINNY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Hey, you found it! Up with the hot dogs, huh?SUNNY: Not exactly.GINNY: What do you mean?SUNNY: I mean it doesn’t matter where it was. It’s here now, and the

evidence has been planted. (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK as SPOTLIGHTS FADE UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)

JUDGE: An ironic use of the word evidence, am I right, Ginny?GINNY: I… I guess so, Your Honor.JUDGE: At that stage, you felt like you’d pulled the wool over everyone’s

eyes.GINNY: Well, you gotta admit, everything was coming up roses.JUDGE: Except that a few thorns were about to pop up from the stems

of those roses.GINNY: You got that right, Your Honor, sir.JUDGE: So tell me, Ginny, what happened after dinner?GINNY: We did the dishes.JUDGE: Commendable. What happened then? (SPOTLIGHTS FADE

OUT. LIGHTS UP on the Bloomfield home. OLIVER stands CENTER with Hal in hand. CARRIE fusses around UPSTAGE looking for her phone in a stack of books. JOSH and BRIAN play a video game, while TINA, FRANCINE, GINNY and SUNNY sit at the dining table.)

BRIAN: Kudos to me! Level 14.JOSH: Been there for an hour.BRIAN: I started playing late. (Reacts to the game.) Zip! There goes

your Mega-nerd.JOSH: I’ve got 12 more where that came from.OLIVER: Carrie, can’t you find your phone?CARRIE: I know I left it right near this copy of Sorry, Wrong Number.OLIVER: I need a phone. Ginny? Sunny? Do you have your phones?GINNY: Huh?CARRIE: Oliver needs a phone.OLIVER: I want to try Hal again.JOSH: Truce?BRIAN: Truce. (They shake hands.)JOSH: (Takes out his phone.) Here’s mine.

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OLIVER: Great! Go ahead and sync your phone here, Brian. (Holds out the app card.)

JOSH: (Scans the card with his phone.) I’m Josh.BRIAN: I’m Brian.OLIVER: Nice to meet you.JOSH: Same here. (The sync is complete.) There.OLIVER: All right… Now, let’s see. Hmm. Okay… now that that’s done,

you can ask Hal a question.JOSH: Anything?OLIVER: Sure!JOSH: Who’s going to win the World Series?HAL’S VOICE: Anybody’s guess.BRIAN: I thought Hal’s supposed to know.OLIVER: Hal knows everything about the person who holds the phone.JOSH: All right, if that’s the case, what size shoe do I wear?HAL’S VOICE: Three and a half.BRIAN: Those don’t look like three and a halfs!JOSH: My brother wears a three and a half.BRIAN: He ought to. He’s three and a half years old.OLIVER: Try another question. Hal’s just a bit confused between you

and your brother.BRIAN: (Grabs the phone.) Who’s my main squeeze?JOSH: (Takes it back.) Gimme that!HAL’S VOICE: That would be Tina.TINA: What?JOSH: No way!HAL’S VOICE: Yes way!JOSH: ’Fraid your app doesn’t work so well, Mr. B. Tina’s the last

person I’d squeeze.TINA: And he’s the last person I’d let squeeze me!OLIVER: I don’t understand it. It taps into every bit of information in

your entire database and makes decisions accordingly.JOSH: Sorry, Mr. B. I wear a size ten shoe.CARRIE: Can’t you squeeze into a three and a half?JOSH: Not since I was three feet tall.FRANCINE: But I’ll bet the part about Tina was true.TINA: Gross.JOSH: Same goes for me.

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SUNNY: C’mon, you guys are made for each other.BRIAN: Is that who you’ve been texting?JOSH: What? No! I mean… why would I?TINA: I’ve never gotten a text from Josh. Ever. And I don’t intend to

start getting them now.OLIVER: Well, sorry. It’s back to the old drawing board. (Moves UP

CENTER.)CARRIE: Oh, here’s my phone, Olly! Right by The Postman Always Rings

Twice.OLIVER: Be nice if the postman brought us a million dollars! (EXITS UP

CENTER. KIDS glance nervously at one another.)GINNY: Hey, Carrie, did you hear the news?CARRIE: I know all about the fire at the bakery.JOSH: Yeah… the toast burned.TINA: Only a geek would think of that.SUNNY: Besides, I don’t think that’s what Ginny’s talking about.GINNY: The winning lottery ticket was bought at our QuickMart.CARRIE: That’s nice, dear. Have any of you ever read Les Misérables?SUNNY: Carrie, wouldn’t it be nice if you won a million dollars?FRANCINE: Then all your misérables would be over.CARRIE: Oh, goodness. I don’t have any misérables!SUNNY: Just Grimstadt.GINNY: And assorted bill collectors.CARRIE: Well, I may be a bit disorganized, but I’m not foolish enough

to waste my money on lottery tickets.SUNNY: Yeah, it’s only a million-to-one chance you’ll win anything.BRIAN: Try ten gazillion to one.CARRIE: Whatever a gazillion is.SUNNY: You know what, Carrie? For civics class I’m supposed to write

down whatever information is on your voter registration card. Can I look at yours?

CARRIE: Of course, Sunny. It should be upstairs in my jewelry box.SUNNY: It’s not in your purse?CARRIE: Why would it be in my purse? I only vote every couple of

years.SUNNY: Oh. I’ll do it later then.GRANDMA: (ENTERS LEFT.) You sure you don’t have any Tic-Tacs,

Carrie? I gotta get the awful taste of hot dogs out of my mouth.CARRIE: I thought you liked hot dogs?

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GRANDMA: Can’t stand ’em.CARRIE: You ate three of them.GRANDMA: Never said I was a picky eater.GINNY: I’ll see if you’ve got any Tic-Tacs in your purse, Carrie.CARRIE: I don’t think so. They were right on top of F. Scott Fitzgerald

in the library workroom.GINNY: I’ll look anyway. (Looks in purse.)GRANDMA: Or maybe they’re sitting next to Cut the Clutter by I.M.

Horder.CARRIE: I’ve never heard of that book, Mom.GRANDMA: I haven’t written it. Yet. Did I raise you to be this

disorganized, Carrie?CARRIE: No. I guess I just got lucky.GINNY: (With feigned surprise.) Oh, my gosh! Carrie! Look what I found!CARRIE: Not another parking ticket I forgot to pay.GINNY: It’s… it’s…FRANCINE: Looks like a lottery ticket.JOSH: Boy, I wouldn’t waste my money on a lottery ticket.SUNNY: Yeah, it’s only a million-to-one chance!GRANDMA: (Defensive.) It’s a better chance than nothing!CARRIE: I didn’t buy that.GINNY: You must have! When you stopped in to get gas at QuickMart.TINA: It’s probably worthless.BRIAN: Wait a second, I heard that the winning ticket was bought at

our QuickMart.GRANDMA: Where’d you hear that?BRIAN: Uh… well… a buddy texted me. He said there’s a big crowd

over there now.GINNY: (Pulls out the paper with numbers on it.) I’ve got the winning

numbers right here. (Barely glances at the ticket.) Oh, Carrie! You won! You’ve got all the right numbers!

SUNNY: Oh, my gosh! You won, Carrie! You won the jackpot!CARRIE: Goodness, I hope it’s at least 50 dollars or so. We could

really use that.BRIAN: It’s two point eight million dollars!CARRIE: Oh, that’s… that’s… impossible.GRANDMA: Somebody’s pulling somebody’s leg. Carrie’s never been

lucky in her life!

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GINNY: Until now. You won the whole enchilada, Carrie! (Screams with SUNNY.)

OLIVER: (ENTERS UP CENTER brandishing a hammer.) What’s going on! What happened? Who do I throw this thing at?

GRANDMA: Nobody. We’re having enchiladas for dessert.OLIVER: What? I thought somebody was getting murdered!CARRIE: Olly, calm down. The girls think we won a little money.OLIVER: Huh?GINNY: Mom bought a lottery ticket, and it won!OLIVER: Are you sure?GINNY: I’ve got the numbers.OLIVER: All the numbers?GINNY: All five of them.SUNNY: Just think, Oliver, you can back your own invention and won’t

have to look for investors.OLIVER: (Dreamy.) Yeah!GINNY: And, Carrie, we can buy bookcases for all the books.CARRIE: Oh, I don’t care about bookcases! The most important thing

is Ms. Grimstadt won’t be able to threaten us anymore.GRANDMA: Lemme see that ticket!GINNY: (Hands her the ticket.) Sure, Grandma.GRANDMA: (Glances at it in wonder and looks back at GINNY.) Skin

me alive, tan my hide and call me a bearskin rug. (Starts to hand the ticket to GINNY.)

OLIVER: (Swipes the ticket from GRANDMA’S hand.) If this really is a winning ticket, we’ve got to put it somewhere safe! Somewhere nobody will ever look for it.

GRANDMA: Carrie’s purse.CARRIE: Why can’t I remember buying a lottery ticket?SUNNY: It’s just all the excitement. Maybe you ought to sit down.TINA: We’ll go get you a drink of water. (EXITS LEFT with FRANCINE.)CARRIE: (Sits. Bewildered.) I can imagine not remembering to buy milk

or eggs. I do that all the time. I don’t remember the last time I gassed the car up—

OLIVER: Oh, no! Is it running on vapors again?CARRIE: It just might be. But you’d think I’d remember buying

something unusual like a lottery ticket.GINNY: Who cares if you remember it?JOSH: You won!

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BRIAN: You won two point eight million gigantically big bucks!OLIVER: I think I’d better sit down, too! (Plops into chair, but jumps up.)

Wait! I’ve got to hide this thing. Somewhere. I know just the place! (Races OFF UP CENTER.)

GRANDMA: Where’s that nerd-ball gonna hide it?CARRIE: I’m sure Olly will put it in a nice, safe place.GRANDMA: And then forget where he put it!FRANCINE: (ENTERS LEFT with a glass of water. TINA follows her ON.)

Here you go, Mrs. B.TINA: Just sip it.CARRIE: Thanks, girls. (Takes a sip.) That’s much— (Jumps up and

screams.) —two point eight million dollars! (ALL, except GINNY, FREEZE. SPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)

JUDGE: Or so you all thought.GINNY: You got that right. I mean, yes, Your Honor, sir.JUDGE: And how long before the doorbell rang?GINNY: Well, almost immediately, Your Honor, sir. (SPOTLIGHTS OUT

as ALL UNFREEZE.)CARRIE: (Tries to catch her breath.) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!GRANDMA: Get hold of yourself, Carrie. Honestly, you’re just like you

were the year Santa brought you a puppy.TINA: Oh, how cute.CARRIE: It wasn’t cute at all. It was a pit bull named Crusher, and it

bit me Christmas morning.GRANDMA: Took two men to pry that dog’s jaws off poor Carrie.GINNY: No wonder you don’t want any pets around. (SOUND EFFECT:

DOORBELL.)SUNNY: I’ll get it. (EXITS RIGHT. OLIVER RE-ENTERS UP CENTER.)GRANDMA: Got it tucked away safe and sound?OLIVER: Nobody’ll ever find it.GRANDMA: That’s what I’m afraid of. (GRIMSTADT ENTERS RIGHT

carrying a briefcase, followed by SUNNY.)SUNNY: Nothing’s wrong, Ms. Grimstadt! Honest!GRIMSTADT: What’s going on in here?! It sounds like a murder is

taking place.GRANDMA: Murder? Who’d you kids bump off?JOSH: We never—CARRIE: I’m afraid I just got a little carried away.

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GRIMSTADT: Yeah? Well, good thing I decided to swing back by here for a little surprise visit on my way home. We can’t have foster parents getting a little carried away. Girls, go pack your things.

GINNY: No!SUNNY: We were just having fun!GRIMSTADT: I heard somebody screaming bloody murder.CARRIE: No, that was just… me.OLIVER: We were… well, we were—GRIMSTADT: Yes?OLIVER: We were—GINNY: Playing a game.SUNNY: Monopoly.GINNY: And Carrie won.CARRIE: I did?TINA: You got three hotels on Park Place.FRANCINE: You wiped us all out.JOSH: And won a fortune!BRIAN: Worth two point eight million dollars.GRIMSTADT: Monopoly, ha? You can’t win a million dollars in Monopoly.JOSH: This is a new version just for the top one percent.GRIMSTADT: Something’s fishy in Denmark.TINA: Then it’s a good thing we’re nowhere near Denmark. (SOUND

EFFECT: DOORBELL. ALL, except GINNY, FREEZE. SPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)

JUDGE: And that’s when the other shoe fell?GINNY: Boy, did it fall. My head still hurts, Your Honor, sir.JUDGE: You’d better answer the door.GINNY: They practically barged in. (SPOTLIGHTS OUT. ALL UNFREEZE

as GINNY EXITS RIGHT. Almost immediately, LOUELLA ENTERS RIGHT followed by GINNY, LEONARD and OFFICER FLINT.)

LOUELLA: That’s them, Officer. Arrest them!GRIMSTADT: Aha!OLIVER: Now, just a minute. Arrest who for what?OFFICER FLINT: I’ll be askin’ the questions, if you don’t mind.OLIVER: Well, I do mind! Who are you people? What are you doing in

our house?SUNNY: Yeah!LOUELLA: You can clearly see the type of people these are, Officer.LEONARD: Yeah!

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LOUELLA: Leonard?LEONARD: Yeah?LOUELLA: Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.LEONARD: But—LOUELLA: Leonard! (ALL FREEZE except GINNY. SPOTLIGHTS UP on

GINNY and JUDGE.)GINNY: We eventually all got introduced. They were Louella and

Leonard Pierpont. Mother and son.JUDGE: Of Pierpont Plastics?GINNY: About as plastic as you can get.JUDGE: There’ll be none of those extraneous comments, Ginny.GINNY: Sorry, Your Honor, sir. But they—JUDGE: Just tell me what happened.GINNY: Well, Your Honor, I happened to look over at Grandma, and

she looked all red and funny, kind of like she was going to explode. (SPOTLIGHTS OUT as ALL UNFREEZE.)

GRANDMA: Lou-Lou Lackey! As I live and breathe!LOUELLA: How dare you call me that!GRANDMA: Don’t recognize me, huh? Remember the Beaver Brook

Bombers?LOUELLA: I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.GRANDMA: We whopped your behinds 6-0 in the state roller derby

finals back in ’59.LEONARD: Roller derby? Mummy, really!LOUELLA: Leonard!LEONARD: I hope they don’t get wind of this at the tennis club.GRANDMA: Oh, “Mummy” was quite the bruiser. My ribs still hurt,

Lou-Lou!LOUELLA: Good! And we’re just wasting time—GINNY: Grandma, you’ve got to tell us all about your roller derby

career!OFFICER FLINT: But not right now. We have business to attend to.

Lou-Lou— I mean, Mrs. Pierpont here says that one of you kids stole a lottery ticket her son here just bought.

LEONARD: At QuickMart, right down the street.LOUELLA: Leonard?LEONARD: Yeah?LOUELLA: Zip it.LEONARD: Well, I did buy it there.

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LOUELLA: Leonard!GRIMSTADT: Girls, pack your things.CARRIE: Wait a second! Wait just a cotton-picking minute.LOUELLA: Officer, do your duty. Arrest them!CARRIE: Over my dead body!LOUELLA: That can be arranged.OLIVER: Did you hear that, Officer? That woman threatened my wife!OFFICER FLINT: (To LOUELLA.) Now, we’ll have no more of that.

Nobody’s going to be arrested. Nobody’s going to get hurt.LOUELLA: Officer, they have my son’s lottery ticket, and it may well be

the winning one.LEONARD: Yeah!LOUELLA: Leonard!GRANDMA: How do you know one of these kids stole the lottery

ticket?OFFICER FLINT: Stole is a little too strong, maybe.LOUELLA: Officer, that’s exactly what they did!SUNNY: Look, we’ve never seen you or your geeky son before in our

lives.LEONARD: Geeky! Mummy, are you going to let her speak that way to

me?LOUELLA: Absolutely not. Arrest them!CARRIE: He said he’s not going to arrest anybody.GRANDMA: And I want to know just what evidence you have that

allows you to come sashaying in here accusing one of these kids of stealing something!

LOUELLA: Irrefutable evidence!LEONARD: Can I tell them, Mummy?LOUELLA: No. Officer?OFFICER FLINT: Apparently the security tape at QuickMart shows one

of you picking a lottery ticket up off the floor.GRANDMA: Well, well, well…LEONARD: The lottery ticket I dropped. By accident, of course.LOUELLA: Leonard.LEONARD: Well, you had me buy a hundred of them. It’s not my fault

one of them perchance fell to the floor.GRANDMA: Perchance you’d better arrest this geek, Officer.LEONARD: Geek!LOUELLA: What for?

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GRANDMA: Littering.LOUELLA: How dare you?!OLIVER: And I hate to tell you, but security tapes are hardly clear

enough to actually validate whether any of these kids picked up a lottery ticket. It might have just been an old receipt.

SUNNY: That’s exactly what it was! I was just trying to keep the store clean.

LOUELLA: There you have it, Officer. She admits stealing the ticket.CARRIE: She did not!GINNY: And besides, how do we know that he dropped a lottery ticket?LEONARD: The security camera clearly shows me dropping the

ticket—the same one she picked up!SUNNY: It was just an old receipt. You believe me, don’t you, Carrie?CARRIE: Well, of course. We believe Sunny, don’t we, Oliver?OLIVER: We sure do! And I want you people out of my house before I

sound my sonar alarm.JOSH: You don’t want that to happen.BRIAN: It’ll blow out your eardrums.OFFICER FLINT: Now, we’ll be having none of that.LOUELLA: Officer, are you going to arrest this girl?OFFICER FLINT: Ma’am, I don’t have a warrant, and even if I did, we

don’t have any evidence.GRIMSTADT: And just what would you consider evidence?OFFICER FLINT: The lottery ticket. And mind you, if she tries to cash

it in, then we’ll see what to do about all this.GRIMSTADT: I still want you girls to pack your bags. You’re leaving

here right now.GINNY: No! You can’t take us from our home.GRIMSTADT: This is an unfit environment.GRANDMA: I’ll show you unfit! (Winds up to send GRIMSTADT flying.)GRIMSTADT: Arrest her, Officer!LOUELLA: Arrest them all!OFFICER FLINT: We’re leaving. Everybody that doesn’t belong here

is leaving. Now! (Shepherds GRIMSTADT, LEONARD and LOUELLA toward RIGHT.)

GRIMSTADT: I’m contacting my supervisor.LEONARD: I’m getting a lawyer.LOUELLA: And I’m not done with any of you. I want that ticket, and I

get what I want!

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OFFICER FLINT: Out. Out! Out! (GRIMSTADT, LEONARD and LOUELLA EXIT RIGHT. To the family.) Have a pleasant evening. (EXITS RIGHT.)

TINA: Well, that was… uh, intense.FRANCINE: I’ll say!OLIVER: Kids, I think Carrie and I need to talk with Ginny and Sunny…

alone.TINA: Yeah, well, I gotta get home anyway.FRANCINE: Me, too. Mom is gonna be furious.JOSH: See you guys in school tomorrow.BRIAN: We hope. (Moves RIGHT with TINA, FRANCINE and JOSH.)TINA: Thanks for the hot dogs, Mrs. B.! (Runs OFF RIGHT with

FRANCINE, JOSH and BRIAN.)CARRIE: Well, did you ever?OLIVER: Sunny, do you have something you’d like to tell us?SUNNY: (After a moment’s hesitation.) Yeah. They need two point eight

million dollars like they need another BMW.CARRIE: At least I know I’m not losing my mind. I never did buy that

lottery ticket, did I?GRANDMA: Shhh! They could be listening at the door! (Runs and looks

OFF RIGHT.) Coast is clear, but keep it down.CARRIE: Why? If that young man dropped the ticket, then it’s his.SUNNY: But there’s no proof it belongs to him.GINNY: They don’t have a case. (ALL, except GINNY, FREEZE.

SPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)JUDGE: I’m afraid you spoke a bit too soon, Ginny.GINNY: Well, it’s not fair! You ought to hear what she did—JUDGE: I will, after a brief recess. Been sitting a bit too long, and I

could use a break. How about you?GINNY: You mean, like “take five”?JUDGE: Try “take 15,” but don’t go getting lost! (LIGHTS and

SPOTLIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOSPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY, who sits on the couch in the Bloomfield’s dimly lit living room, and on JUDGE in the Judge’s chambers FORESTAGE RIGHT.JUDGE: Ms. Archer? Ginny?GINNY: Oh, sorry, Your Honor, sir. I was just thinking.JUDGE: May I ask about what?

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GINNY: Well, about what happened next.JUDGE: What did happen next?GINNY: Well, they showed up.JUDGE: Who are “they”?GINNY: The cleaning ladies. Trixie and Dixie. (LIGHTS UP on the

Bloomfield home.)SUNNY: (ENTERS RIGHT, followed by TRIXIE and DIXIE carrying mops

and buckets with cleaning supplies and rags.) Carrie! Oliver!GINNY: Can we… can we help you, ladies?TRIXIE: Oh, we’re not the ones who need help, girlie!DIXIE: You are! And we’re here to do the grunt work!TRIXIE: I’m Trixie.DIXIE: I’m Dixie.TRIXIE: And together we’re—TRIXIE/DIXIE: Dy-no-mite Cleaners!GINNY: We don’t need anybody to clean house for us.DIXIE: I dunno. This corner over here looks like a rodent’s paradise.SUNNY: We don’t have rodents! (As an afterthought.) Do we, Ginny?GINNY: Of course not! There isn’t a mouse within ten miles of here!OLIVER: (ENTERS LEFT. Holds a small cage with a mouse inside in one

hand and Hal in the other.) Look, kids! I caught a little mouse. I’m going to name him Squeaky.

TRIXIE: I’ll get the super-size rat traps.OLIVER: I guess you ladies must be part of Carrie’s book group.GINNY: Oliver—OLIVER: You know something? I’ll try my newest invention out on you.

You got a cell phone?SUNNY: Oliver, they’re not—DIXIE: Couldn’t run a business like ours without a phone handy,

buster.OLIVER: All you’ve got to do is sync your phone.TRIXIE: (Takes out her phone.) What’s it for?OLIVER: Sync it, and you’ll never have to waste time making decisions

again. (TRIXIE “syncs” her phone.)DIXIE: You mean like what to wear when I get up?SUNNY: (Sarcastic.) Good place to start.GINNY: Sunny.TRIXIE: All right, now what?

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OLIVER: Now just open the app and ask a question. Something you know the answer to.

TRIXIE: I don’t know any answers.DIXIE: Seems like you always know all the answers.TRIXIE: What do you mean?DIXIE: You’re the one that always shoots off her big mouth!TRIXIE: Well, of all the nervy-nerve-nerve!OLIVER: Why don’t you ask it, “What do I do for a living?”DIXIE: Yeah, go ahead, Trixie.TRIXIE: I will! (Speaking very loud and slow.) What… do… I… do…

for… a… living?OLIVER: Now, it’ll just take a second—TRIXIE: Hey, there’s a little squirrel dancing on my phone.DIXIE: Lemme see!OLIVER: I thought that’d be fun while you’re waiting for a response.HAL’S VOICE: In answer to your question, you are a hired thug. (SUNNY

looks puzzled.)TRIXIE: (Flustered.) Wha-whaat? Well, I never—DIXIE: (Offended.) What gives! We got professional pride here!OLIVER: Oh, boy! I guess I’d better get back to the drawing board.

(Crosses to UP CENTER.)SUNNY: But, Oliver— (OLIVER EXITS UP CENTER.)DIXIE: (Recovers. Wipes brow.) Now, that’s more like it…TRIXIE: Guess we’ll get started, eh, Dixie?GINNY: Look, to be perfectly honest, the Bloomfields can’t really

afford maid service.DIXIE: Who said anything about affording?SUNNY: You get paid, don’t you?TRIXIE: Sure. But the Broomclosets won us for a month.DIXIE: (Snaps at her.) A week!TRIXIE: (Covers.) Yeah, right, a week.SUNNY: (Suspicious.) Just how did they win you?DIXIE: Mrs. Broomcloset entered a contest.GINNY: Their name is Bloomfield.DIXIE: That’s what I said.TRIXIE: And who are you two, and what are you doing here?GINNY: I’m Ginny, and this is my sister Sunny. We… we… well, we

live with the Bloomfields. (SOUND EFFECT: TEXT MESSAGE ALERT.)

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SUNNY: That yours?GINNY: Nope.DIXIE: Yours, Trixie?TRIXIE: Nope!DIXIE: Hope it’s not mine… nope!SUNNY: (Checks her phone.) Oh, yeah, it’s mine. Just changed my

ringtone. Oh, gosh, Ginny. We gotta go!GINNY: Go where?SUNNY: Tina says there’s a big crowd at QuickMart. (Runs OFF RIGHT

with GINNY. DIXIE and TRIXIE FREEZE. SPOTLIGHT up on JUDGE.)JUDGE: Just a minute, Ginny. (GINNY ENTERS RIGHT in SPOTLIGHT.)

What happened back at your house?GINNY: Well, how would I know?JUDGE: Ginny…GINNY: Sorry, Your Honor, sir. But Sunny and me—JUDGE: Sunny and I—GINNY: Oh, yeah. Sunny and I went to QuickMart and saw the reporters

interviewing Mr. McDoodle. He’s the guy who owns QuickMart.JUDGE: So we can only guess at what happened back at your house.GINNY: And your guess is good as mine. Your Honor, sir. (EXITS RIGHT.

SPOTLIGHTS OUT. DIXIE and TRIXIE UNFREEZE. They move RIGHT and begin to look around the room.)

DIXIE: (Grabs a rag from the mop bucket and tosses one to TRIXIE.) Be sure you got a dust rag in your hand so you look like you’re cleaning up.

TRIXIE: Hey, I know the drill.DIXIE: Yeah, well, anything goes wrong, and Lou-Lou will blow her top.TRIXIE: Yeah, she must really be hurtin’ for dough if she’s gotta get

somebody else’s lottery ticket.DIXIE: Two thousand bucks ain’t anything to sneeze at.TRIXIE: She sure was pushy, though.DIXIE: You’d have thought she’d treat her old teammates with a bit

more class. Couldn’t have been more surprised when she hired us. (LIGHTS FADE OUT on the Bloomfield Home. SPOTLIGHT UP on LOUELLA and LEONARD, who ENTER FORESTAGE RIGHT. TRIXIE and DIXIE cross DOWN to them.)

LOUELLA: So, you two still operating on the wrong side of the law?TRIXIE: Whaddaya mean, Lou-Lou? We’ve always been good girls.LOUELLA: The only time you two were good girls is when you forced

the Beaver Brook Bombers over the rails.

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DIXIE: Yeah, that was a great moment.LOUELLA: So I want a repeat.TRIXIE: I gave up skating years ago.LOUELLA: Knees give out?DIXIE: Along with everything else!LOUELLA: Well, this won’t involve skating. Just a little push and shove

if necessary.TRIXIE: Yeah? We’re interested.LOUELLA: Remember old Pistol Pearl?DIXIE: How could I forget? My shin still hurts, not to mention my

sacroiliac.TRIXIE: Your what?DIXIE: Don’t laugh! You got one too, and when it hurts, it really hurts.TRIXIE: So you and Pearlie stayed in touch?LOUELLA: She swiped a lottery ticket my son here bought at the local

QuickMart.TRIXIE: So I guess she still packs a punch.LEONARD: The old crone never touched me. I merely dropped the

ticket as I left the store, and she picked it up.DIXIE: So what’s this ticket worth?LEONARD: Two point—LOUELLA: Two thousand dollars. I want it. It’s somewhere in the

disaster area they call a house. Leonard has devised a cover plan.TRIXIE: (Sarcastic.) This ought to be good!LEONARD: You’ll be cleaning ladies from Dy-No-Mite Maid Service.DIXIE: Us? Maids?TRIXIE: Us? Clean?LOUELLA: Fake it.LEONARD: I seriously doubt if the Bloomfields will remember whether

they entered a contest. Tell them they have won your service for a month.

LOUELLA: (Snaps at him.) A week.LEONARD: Er, yes, right, a week.DIXIE: So we gotta clean?LEONARD: Just do lots of dusting. Pick up everything and dust. Look

behind everything as you dust.TRIXIE: I’m allergic to dust.LOUELLA: Then you’re allergic to a thousand bucks.DIXIE: You’re splitting the ticket with us?

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LOUELLA: Why, yes. It’s almost worth it just to pull one over on Pistol Pearl.

TRIXIE: Then how about lettin’ us keep the whole two grand?LOUELLA: I said almost worth it. (EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT with

LEONARD. SPOTLIGHT OUT. LIGHTS UP on the Bloomfield home as DIXIE and TRIXIE cross back into the scene.)

DIXIE: Well, we can sure use a thousand bucks, Trixie.TRIXIE: Yeah. It’ll be a nice down payment on my face lift.DIXIE: Wait a second. Wait a second! Whoever said anything about

your face lift?TRIXIE: Didn’t I tell you?DIXIE: No, you didn’t tell me.TRIXIE: Well, I’m telling you now. I’ve got an appointment with Dr.

Skinflint for a nip and a tuck.DIXIE: They’re gonna have to do a lot more than nip and tuck. They’re

gonna have to blast and chisel.TRIXIE: Yeah? Well, you’re no Venus de Phyllo yourself!DIXIE: I’m no Venus de Milo, dope.TRIXIE: At least you agree with me.CARRIE: (From OFF UP CENTER.) Ginny? Sunny? (DIXIE and TRIXIE

look around for a place to hide and duck behind the screen. CARRIE ENTERS UP CENTER carrying six purses and searches through one. Crosses LEFT and sets all the purses on the dining table, not noticing DIXIE and TRIXIE behind the screen.) Oh, dear, it’s got to be in here somewhere. Ginny? Sunny? Girls, can you help me? (Empties a purse onto the table, spilling miscellaneous items, including keys. She picks up a jewelry pin.) Oh, my goodness! I’ve been looking for this pin since Oliver and I got married. (SOUND EFFECT: CELL PHONE RING. Frantically looks through one purse after another.) I know it’s here somewhere. Come out, come out, wherever you are! Olly, olly, oxen free! Oh, here you are! (Pulls out a phone and answers.) Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. Adams. I know we haven’t, Mr. Adams, but I promise you we will. When? Well, I… I’m getting paid at the beginning of next week. Yes, the refrigerator’s working fine. (Again with her ever-present briefcase, GRIMSTADT ENTERS RIGHT, unseen by CARRIE.) Oh, no, Mr. Adams, please don’t do that. Just another week. And then I promise we won’t miss another payment. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, and I promise I’ll send you over some of my butterscotch cookies. All right. Good-bye.

GRIMSTADT: Well, well, well.CARRIE: Why, Ms. Grimstadt, how nice to see you.GRIMSTADT: Begging more time to pay your bills?

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CARRIE: Well, the fuel injector in the car conked out this month and then the alternator quit, and Sunny needed to get a cavity filled, and it all just added up a bit too quickly.

GRIMSTADT: Not a healthy environment for two foster children, Mrs. Bloomfield.

CARRIE: But you can’t say it isn’t realistic.GRIMSTADT: Our fear, Mrs. Bloomfield, is that the money you receive

from the government goes to pay for frivolous things like your car and parts for your husband’s inventions and all these books.

CARRIE: Ms. Grimstadt, every penny we receive for Sunny and Ginny is used for their needs and only their needs.

GRIMSTADT: (Indicates her briefcase.) Do you know what I’ve got in here?

CARRIE: I have no idea.GRIMSTADT: Your credit report.CARRIE: I guess nothing is private these days.GRIMSTADT: Mrs. Bloomfield, you and your husband are an economic

disaster.CARRIE: We are not! We’ve got a roof over our heads. We’ve got food

on the table.GRIMSTADT: You are teetering on the brink of oblivion.CARRIE: Oblivion? Now you’re beginning to sound like George Orwell.GRIMSTADT: Your financial advisor?CARRIE: He wrote science fiction.GRIMSTADT: Ah-ha. Well, you can’t intellectually dance around the

fact that I have already recommended to my supervisor that Ginny and Sunny be placed elsewhere.

CARRIE: No! No, please, Ms. Grimstadt, you can’t do that!GRIMSTADT: Due to your uncooperative spirit, I will soon be washing

my hands of the matter.CARRIE: Sunny and Ginny have been with us for three years! They’re

part of the family!GRIMSTADT: A family? This is nothing but a dysfunctional insane

asylum!CARRIE: Oh, now, Ms. Grimstadt, an insane asylum by its very nature

is dysfunctional, isn’t it?GRIMSTADT: Don’t throw my words back at me!CARRIE: (To herself.) I know they can be so hard to eat—GRIMSTADT: My supervisor, Mr. Mergatroid, will be calling within the

next two hours, and he will expect that you have the girls packed and ready to go.

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CARRIE: No, please!GRIMSTADT: As I said, I have washed my hands of the matter.CARRIE: But if we suddenly become… solvent, will that help?GRIMSTADT: Solvent?CARRIE: Financially. I mean if we come into a million dollars or

something… like that.GRIMSTADT: If you come into a million dollars, Child Services will be

more than happy to have you keep the girls. But anything short of that and it’s… (Draws her finger across her throat.)

CARRIE: Oh, yes, well… oh, dear…GRIMSTADT: Be expecting Mr. Mergatroid’s call. And I would suggest

you treat him with kid gloves. He makes me look like Mary Poppins.CARRIE: Well, thank you, Ms. Poppins. I mean Grimstadt.GRANDMA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Oh, you here again?GRIMSTADT: Just leaving.GRANDMA: Good.GRIMSTADT: Is it any wonder our youth are spiraling downward when

they have such examples in our senior citizens?GRANDMA: Senior citizen? Who’re you calling senior?GRIMSTADT: If the orthopedic shoe fits, wear it!GRANDMA: That’s it! Get over here. We’re going to arm wrestle!GRIMSTADT: Oh, another juicy tidbit for my final report. Good day!

(EXITS RIGHT.)GRANDMA: Chicken! (Squawks like a chicken.)CARRIE: Mom! Help me find my car keys. I’ve got to get to work.GRANDMA: (Moves to table with purses on it.) You cash that lottery

ticket in, and you’ll never have to work again.CARRIE: I don’t mind working. But I do mind that… that… civil servant

taking Ginny and Sunny from us.GRANDMA: Sounds like you got two point eight million dollars that’ll

flatten her tires.CARRIE: Oh, Mom, I can’t even believe it’s possible.GRANDMA: Look. Instead of going to work this morning, you go

contact Bill Samuels.CARRIE: Why? He’s a lawyer.GRANDMA: And you need a lawyer.CARRIE: I haven’t committed a crime. (As an afterthought.) Have I?GRANDMA: Carrie, honey, the only criminal act you commit is making

killer brownies for dessert.

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CARRIE: (Remembers.) Oh, gosh. I’ve got to get to the store today. We’re out of milk, eggs and… something else. What is it?

GRANDMA: A visit with a lawyer.CARRIE: No, it’s something I keep under the sink.GRANDMA: Will you listen to me, girl? We’re talking major money.

Money people like to steal! Who knows who’s listening in on us at this very moment— (TRIXIE and DIXIE peak out from behind screen.) —just waiting for their chance to pounce and take what they can. A lawyer will know just what to do with two point eight million dollars.

CARRIE: He will?GRANDMA: At 300 dollars an hour, he’ll know.CARRIE: Come with me.GRANDMA: Can’t. I got my appointment at the beauty parlor in 15

minutes.CARRIE: Detergent! That’s the other thing. I’m off! (Moves RIGHT.)GRANDMA: (Holds up keys from the dining table.) You won’t get very

far without these.CARRIE: (Takes the keys and one of the purses.) Milk, eggs, detergent

and…GRANDMA: Lawyer.CARRIE: Lawyer. (EXITS RIGHT.)GRANDMA: (Moves RIGHT, but bangs into bucket sitting on floor.) Now,

what in tarnation? (Laughs.) Leave it to me to kick the bucket. (EXITS UP CENTER.)

TRIXIE: (Emerges from behind screen with DIXIE.) Why, of all the dirty, lowdown tricks!

DIXIE: What? Having to clean Pistol Pearl’s house?TRIXIE: That ain’t the dirty trick!DIXIE: Oh. What is?TRIXIE: Lou-Lou holding out on us. She said the ticket’s worth two

grand. It’s worth two point eight million!DIXIE: Holy cow!TRIXIE: Yeah, you better pray we get our share of that.DIXIE: How?TRIXIE: We’re gonna search this place from top to bottom.GRANDMA: (ENTERS UP CENTER with a handbag and hat.) Carrie? Is

that you? What’d you forget now? (Sees TRIXIE and DIXIE.) Well, lookie here! (Shouts OFF RIGHT.) Hey, Carrie! You got a couple of bags of trash you forgot to take out!

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TRIXIE: If it ain’t Pistol Pearl!DIXIE: Captain of the Beaver Brook Bombers!GRANDMA: Tricky Trixie and Dynamite Dixie! You two are sure a sore

sight for tired eyes. What’re you doing here?TRIXIE: We’re cleaning house.DIXIE: Dy-No-Mite Maids, at your service.GRANDMA: Well, the best way to clean this place is to get rid of the

garbage, so take your mops, buckets and dyed hair and scram!TRIXIE: You can’t talk to us that way!DIXIE: We’re legitimate small business operators.GRANDMA: You couldn’t run a legitimate hot dog stand! Now scram or

I’m gonna whoop you with your own mop! (Grabs mop, brandishes it like a sword.)

TRIXIE: Whaddaya think, Dixie?DIXIE: I dunno, Trixie. What do I think?TRIXIE: You think there’s two of us and one of her. You think we grab

her, hog-tie her and clean this dump.DIXIE: Not exactly. I’m thinking… run! (Races OFF RIGHT. Grabs mops,

buckets, etc. as she goes.)TRIXIE: Dixie! You chicken!DIXIE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! (TRIXIE runs OFF RIGHT.)GRANDMA: And don’t come back! (EXITS RIGHT with mop as the

LIGHTS FADE OUT on the Bloomfield Home. SPOTLIGHT up on Judge’s chambers as GINNY ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT in SPOTLIGHT and sits down in the other armchair.)

JUDGE: Yes, that fits with the testimony of the other witnesses.GINNY: Grandma can get pretty feisty at times.JUDGE: Seems like it. And while you were down at the QuickMart, a

few other things were happening.GINNY: Yeah. I mean, yes, Your Honor, sir. I didn’t really know what

was going on until later.JUDGE: For one thing, apparently Trixie and Dixie confronted Louella

Pierpont. (SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to FORESTAGE LEFT, the Pierpont mansion.)

LOUELLA: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT followed by TRIXIE and DIXIE. LEONARD strolls ON after them.) So I got my figures crossed.

TRIXIE: Yeah, a double cross, Lou-Lou!LOUELLA: Oh, come, come, girls. We’re old teammates! We can trust

one another.

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DIXIE: Oh, sure. They didn’t call us the Sneaky Skunks for nothing!TRIXIE: We were shiftier than a sandstorm.DIXIE: And a leopard doesn’t change his stripes.TRIXIE: Tiger. Leopards have spots, dodo!DIXIE: And a tiger can’t change his spots!LEONARD: Mummy tells me you two could sure hit hard, but you

weren’t the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, were you?TRIXIE: We’re bright enough to know we’re getting double-crossed.LEONARD: Mummy, apparently your teammates are looking for a little

sugar in their coffee.DIXIE: And a little cream.LOUELLA: All right, girls. I’ll be straight with you.LEONARD: I bought that lottery ticket for Mummy.LOUELLA: But dim bulb that he is, Leonard dropped it.LEONARD: That could happen to anyone. And it just so happened that

the security camera caught one of those teeny boppers picking it up.

LOUELLA: However, they’ve refused to turn over the ticket.LEONARD: The one that belongs to us. The one that won!TRIXIE: Why, those rats!LOUELLA: Yeah. And you know who’s got it now?TRIXIE/DIXIE: Pistol Pearl’s gang!LOUELLA: A half million for you if you get me that ticket.TRIXIE: A half million each?LEONARD: Didn’t you ever learn to share?DIXIE: Share? Aw, c’mon!LOUELLA: Take it or leave it. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT with LEONARD.

After conferring for a moment, TRIXIE and DIXIE follow them OFF. SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to GINNY and JUDGE in the Judge’s chambers, FORESTAGE RIGHT.)

JUDGE: And apparently Ms. Grimstadt received a phone call a short time later.

GINNY: That’s what I hear. (SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to FORESTAGE LEFT.)

GRIMSTADT: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT, talking on a cell phone.) Yes, this is Ms. Grimstadt. Principal Markheim? Where Ginny and Sunny attend school? How can I help you, Principal Markheim? Oh, they are, are they? Failing three classes and truant 14 times this semester? You tried contacting the parents, but they haven’t responded? Well, well, well, I’m certainly glad you called me.

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We’re currently looking into placing the girls elsewhere, and your information will go a long way to ensure that. Thank you, Principal Markheim. (Snaps the phone shut.) And that, as they say, is that! (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT. SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to GINNY and JUDGE in the Judge’s chambers.)

JUDGE: But your principal never really called, did he?GINNY: Oh, no. Mr. Markheim’s wife just had a baby, and he was on

paternity leave.JUDGE: Any thoughts on who made the call?GINNY: Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. (As an

afterthought.) Oh, I didn’t mean you aren’t a genius, Your Honor, sir. I just meant that there was only one person—

JUDGE: I know. (SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to FORESTAGE LEFT, the Pierpont Mansion.)

LOUELLA: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT followed by LEONARD. He snaps his phone shut.) Nicely done, Leonard. You’re learning the tricks of the trade quickly.

LEONARD: Thanks, Mummy. When that Grimstadt woman takes those two girls, the goody two-shoes parents will follow, allowing Trixie and Dixie to get into that house and tear it apart.

LOUELLA: Winner’s circle, here we come!LEONARD: But what about your old nemesis, what’s-her-name? Pistol

Pearl?LOUELLA: Pistol Pearl’s got one big problem. She shoots straight.

That’s why she lost the championship in ’59 and that’s why she’s living with her daughter now instead of enjoying life’s little perks like me.

LEONARD: Meaning?LOUELLA: If push comes to shove, she’ll be the one to give us the

lottery ticket. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT with LEONARD. SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to GINNY and JUDGE in the Judge’s chambers.)

JUDGE: Is that true about your grandmother? She shoots straight?GINNY: Her favorite expression is “A good conscience makes a soft

pillow.”JUDGE: (Chuckles.) The wisdom of Pistol Pearl, eh?GINNY: I guess so, Your Honor, sir.JUDGE: And while all this was transpiring, you met up with your friends

at the QuickMart, didn’t you?GINNY: Well, sure. Everybody was there wondering who bought the

winning ticket. (SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to FORESTAGE CENTER, outside the QuickMart. SUNNY, TINA and FRANCINE ENTER

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FORESTAGE LEFT and cross to FORESTAGE CENTER. GINNY crosses to join them.)

SUNNY: Wow! This whole place is going nuts!TINA: A newspaper guy interviewed me.GINNY: Oh, my gosh, you didn’t tell him anything, did you?FRANCINE: Only that she couldn’t wait to find out who won! (BRIAN

and JOSH ENTER FORESTAGE LEFT and cross to the GIRLS.)BRIAN: Hey, Ginny, do you know those two old-timers?GINNY: What old-timers?JOSH: Behind us, but don’t stare! (TRIXIE and DIXIE ENTER FORESTAGE

LEFT, looking ridiculous. TRIXIE is dressed like an old lady with a wig, shawl, cane and granny glasses. DIXIE’S dressed like an old man, with pants pulled high with a lot of ankle showing, an old misbuttoned cardigan sweater, a rumpled shirt, a ball cap and so on.)

GINNY: Those two?SUNNY: Hey, I’ve seen those shoes someplace before…TINA: (Giggles.) How can you even look at their shoes? The rest of

them makes me laugh too hard!FRANCINE: They can’t be for real. Nobody in town looks that weird.BRIAN: I think they’re following you, Ginny.JOSH: Every time you move, they follow.SUNNY: Now I remember! Those are Trixie and Dixie, the Dy-No-Mite

Maids.TINA: The what?GINNY: You’re right. They’re no maids at all!SUNNY: I’ll bet they were at our house looking for the lottery ticket.GINNY: Of course!JOSH: That means old lady Pierpont probably hired them!BRIAN: Gosh, you can’t trust anybody these days.GINNY: No, you can’t.SUNNY: What are you thinking?GINNY: I’m thinking we set a little trap for them.TINA: How?GINNY: We drop a couple of hints about where Oliver hid the ticket.FRANCINE: What good will that do?GINNY: They won’t be able to resist. They’ll come to the house. Break

in—JOSH: You don’t want them to break in. Doors cost a lot of money.

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SUNNY: No sweat! Oliver and Carrie never lock the door because they’re always forgetting their keys.

GINNY: Once they’re inside, we call the cops. They get arrested, implicate Mrs. Pierpont, which forces her to back off.

SUNNY: If you weren’t my sister, I’d say you were brilliant!GINNY: Now, let’s wander over toward them, but let’s not overdo it.

(Leads kids toward TRIXIE and DIXIE.)SUNNY: Gosh, where did Oliver hide the lottery ticket, Ginny?GINNY: Someplace really safe.JOSH: Nobody can break into that old safe you’ve got.BRIAN: I tried once and couldn’t even move the handle.TINA: But there are people who can crack safes.FRANCINE: Not in this town. Nobody’s that bad! (KIDS EXIT FORESTAGE

LEFT.)TRIXIE: Nobody’s that bad?DIXIE: (Cracks her knuckles.) She ain’t met the Dy-No-Mite safe

crackers.TRIXIE: We’re so bad, we’re good!DIXIE: (To her hands.) Hear that, fingers? Get ready to spin those

tumblers! (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT with TRIXIE. SPOTLIGHTS CROSSFADE to the Judge’s chambers.)

JUDGE: Ginny? Ginny, I know it’s hard going back over the details, but stay with me a bit longer.

GINNY: (ENTERS LEFT in SPOTLIGHT, holding a soda. She crosses CENTER.) Sorry. My throat was dry as a bone. Your Honor, sir.

JUDGE: That’s fine. Now, on the evening in question, you returned home about… five o’clock, is that right?

GINNY: Yeah. Judge Judy was on when we walked in. (LIGHTS UP on the Bloomfield home. SPOTLIGHT OUT.)

SUNNY: (ENTERS RIGHT with TINA, FRANCINE, JOSH and BRIAN. Looks at the TV.) Hey, what’s with Judge Judy?

GINNY: Beats me. It was on when I walked in.TINA: Who is she yelling at today?FRANCINE: This is the one where she yells at the bailiff.JOSH: No kidding?FRANCINE: Yeah. It’s between cases. The courtroom emptied out,

and there wasn’t anybody else to get snarky with.BRIAN: We better turn it off so her yelling doesn’t scare Bonnie and

Clyde away. (GINNY turns off the TV.)SUNNY: I think Bonnie and Connie would fit them better.

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FRANCINE: We better make it look like nobody’s home.GINNY: That’s easy. We can all go up to the attic and hide.TINA: But what about your parents? And Grandma?SUNNY: Oliver will probably stay downstairs.JOSH: Even if he hears police sirens and stuff?SUNNY: Oh, yeah. King Kong could tear the house apart and growl the

whole time, and he wouldn’t hear a thing.GINNY: But we’ll still need to get rid of Carrie and Grandma.FRANCINE: Tell them one of you fell under a bus and is in the hospital.BRIAN: Yeah, that’d get my folks out of the house.GINNY: And give them a heart attack on the way to the hospital.FRANCINE: Yeah, I guess that’s awfully mean.TINA: Tell them Mr. Bloomfield fell under a bus.BRIAN: How about the dog, right? Rover ran under a bus.SUNNY: Fine, but we don’t have a dog.GINNY: And we’re barking up the wrong tree. There’s gotta be a way.

But let’s do the most important thing. Josh and Brian, will you two go get the safe?

JOSH: You want the safe in here?GINNY: Yeah, we don’t want those two to tear up the whole house.BRIAN: Well, okay. Where is it?GINNY: It’s on the back porch.JOSH: (Moves LEFT.) This way?GINNY: Yeah… through the kitchen.SUNNY: And it’s kind of heavy.BRIAN: Hey, we’re both on the football team. We can bench press 250

pounds. (Flexes muscles with JOSH.)TINA: Wow! That’s, like, so cool.FRANCINE: Lucky you guys are here.JOSH: Back in a jiff. (EXITS LEFT with BRIAN.)TINA: On a good day they might be able to lift a hundred pounds.FRANCINE: Together!BRIAN: (From OFF LEFT.) We heard that! (GINNY moves UP CENTER.)SUNNY: Where are you going?GINNY: I want to see if Oliver’s downstairs.SUNNY: Good idea. (GINNY EXITS UP CENTER.)TINA: I wonder how long it’ll take them to get here.FRANCINE: Just long enough to get out of those ridiculous outfits.

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SUNNY: And maybe pick up old lady Pierpont and her spawn.TINA: Leonard? He’s, like, beyond creepy.FRANCINE: Yeah, he reminds me of a bug I saw once.SUNNY: Big, slimy and ugly?FRANCINE: Yeah.TINA: What’d you do?FRANCINE: Squashed it with my flip-flop.GINNY: (ENTERS UP CENTER.) Oliver’s downstairs, but deeply involved.SUNNY: What’d he say?GINNY: Well, I called his name twice, shook his shoulder, and all I got

was a grunt.JOSH: (ENTERS LEFT with BRIAN carrying a very heavy, large safe.

Barely able to talk.) Where do you want it?GINNY: Oh, gosh!BRIAN: Hurry up! It’s heavy!SUNNY: Well, set it down! (BOYS begin to do so.)GINNY: No! Not there. It’s in the way.TINA: Yeah, nobody puts a safe in the middle of a walkway.JOSH: Then where?FRANCINE: How about over here? (Points DOWN RIGHT. JOSH and

BRIAN move in that direction.)GINNY: No! Down there. (Points DOWN LEFT.)SUNNY: Are you sure? Grandma does her puzzles over there.GINNY: Yeah, wait a second.TINA: Grandma’s not going to be here.JOSH: Where? Where?CARRIE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Oh, dear! We left the door open again!GINNY: Quick! Hide!BRIAN: Where?SUNNY: Behind the screen! (JOSH and BRIAN carry safe behind screen

just as CARRIE ENTERS LEFT carrying two grocery bags and her purse.)

GINNY: (Way too bubbly.) Hi, Carrie!CARRIE: Oh, hi, Ginny! Hi, kids. (SUNNY and GINNY take the bags from

CARRIE.)SUNNY: Let us take those.GINNY: Have a good shopping trip?CARRIE: I hope so. (Pulls a shopping list from her purse.) Let me see.

I got everything on my list and more! I got milk, eggs, detergent…

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But what’s this other thing? Lasagna? We’re not having lasagna tonight.

GINNY: (Looks over her shoulder at list.) It says “lawyer.”CARRIE: Oops! Mom is going to be so mad. She told me to see Mr.

Samuels.SUNNY: He just called, Carrie. Mr. Samuels, I mean.CARRIE: He did?SUNNY: Yeah. You’ve got an appointment real soon.CARRIE: How’d I get an appointment?GINNY: Grandma?CARRIE: Just like her! When is it?SUNNY: What time is it?TINA: Five twenty.SUNNY: (To CARRIE.) Your appointment’s at five thirty.CARRIE: Oh, no!GINNY: Go ahead. We’ll make dinner.CARRIE: What will you make?SUNNY: Lasagna.CARRIE: Well, everybody loves lasagna. I’m off! (EXITS RIGHT.)GINNY: Quick thinking, Sunny.TINA: Yeah. You’re a regular con artist.JOSH: (From behind the screen. Weak.) Help!FRANCINE: The safe!GINNY: C’mon out, guys! (They do.)BRIAN: Now, once and for all where… where do you… want this…

thing?GINNY: Over there! (Points UP RIGHT.)JOSH: You’re sure?GINNY: Absolutely.BRIAN: You’re not going to change your mind?GINNY: Trust me!JOSH: (Moves UP RIGHT with BRIAN.) Here?GINNY: Sure. (BRIAN and JOSH begin to set safe down.)SUNNY: Wait! (BRIAN and JOSH FREEZE.) Maybe that corner would be

better. (Points UP LEFT.)GINNY: You’re right. It’ll be halfway hidden by the screen.SUNNY: Do you mind, guys? (JOSH and BRIAN, their backs bent, shuffle

their way UP LEFT.)

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FRANCINE: Wow, you guys are really strong.TINA: I’ve never seen so many muscles.SUNNY: Guys, stop it. You’re embarrassing them.JOSH: Heck, no!BRIAN: Keep buttering us up. It goes a lot faster. (With JOSH, finally

reaches the UP LEFT corner.)JOSH: Here?GINNY: There! (JOSH and BRIAN drop the safe into place. They do not

stand upright, though.)SUNNY: You can stand up now.JOSH: No, we can’t.BRIAN: Anyone have some BenGay? (SUNNY and GINNY help BRIAN

and JOSH stand upright.)FRANCINE: Shh! I just heard someone outside! (SOUND EFFECT:

DOORBELL.)GINNY: It’s probably them.TINA: Francine, you got your phone ready?FRANCINE: I’m always ready. (Holds up her phone.)GINNY: Stand behind the screen. There’s a hole right in the middle

there—FRANCINE: But… but can’t I really hide?SUNNY: Like where?FRANCINE: Upstairs?GINNY: Give me the phone, Francine. (Takes the phone.)SUNNY: You okay, Ginny?GINNY: Yeah! Hide! Hurry! (JOSH moves RIGHT, while the OTHER KIDS

move LEFT. After a moment, BRIAN notices JOSH and runs back, grabs him by the collar and pulls him OFF LEFT. GINNY hides behind screen. The OTHERS EXIT LEFT.)

DIXIE: (Sneaks ON RIGHT with TRIXIE, dressed as we last saw them.) I don’t care! How come we couldn’t change?

TRIXIE: Shhh! There might be somebody here.DIXIE: (Shouts.) Anybody here?TRIXIE: (Whoops DIXIE with her own hat.) Knock it off! You could ruin

the whole job!DIXIE: I don’t care!TRIXIE: You don’t care about half a million bucks?DIXIE: You’d sell your dignity, honor and integrity for half a million

bucks?

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TRIXIE: You bet. Especially since I never had honor, dignity or integrity in the first place. (Moves LEFT and checks OFF LEFT.) Nobody out there.

DIXIE: (Checks OFF UP CENTER.) Nobody this way.TRIXIE: (Notices safe.) And look what I spy!DIXIE: I Spy! I used to love those books when I was a kid.TRIXIE: Yeah?DIXIE: They were the only ones I could read.TRIXIE: Tell the rest of the gang to c’mon in and make themselves

at home.DIXIE: (Moves RIGHT, shouts.) Hey! You two can come— (LOUELLA and

LEONARD ENTER RIGHT. Quiet.) —in now.LOUELLA: Any louder and you’d have invited all the neighbors.LEONARD: Hardly my idea of a clandestine operation, Mummy.LOUELLA: Leonard—LEONARD: Yes, Mummy?LOUELLA: Do something useful like sit down and keep your mouth

shut. (LEONARD slides into a chair.)TRIXIE: Got the safe right here!LOUELLA: And who said the dodo bird is extinct? There’s a whole flock

of them living in this house.LEONARD: I hope you two can open that thing.DIXIE: No sweat!TRIXIE: We’ve cracked safes from New York to L.A. No safe is safe

from us.LOUELLA: Then get cracking.TRIXIE: First, I’ve got to limber up the fingers. (Does some elaborate

finger-limbering exercises with facial expressions, grunts and groans to match.)

LOUELLA: Hurry up!DIXIE: Would you tell Michelangelo to hurry up?LOUELLA: Don’t be silly.DIXIE: Would you have told Raphael to hurry up?LOUELLA: Absolutely not.DIXIE: Would you have told… told… Hey, Trixie, who’s that other Ninja

Turtle?LEONARD: Mummy, they’re stalling.LOUELLA: I get the picture. All right, girls, starting right now, you’ve got

half a million in the bank. You lose a thousand for every second you waste starting now!

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DIXIE: Spin it, Trixie!TRIXIE: Shhh! (Elaborately spins the tumbler, puts her ear to the safe.)DIXIE: Hear anything?TRIXIE: Not yet.DIXIE: (Pulls a stethoscope from her pocket.) Here, try this!TRIXIE: (Takes the stethoscope.) Now you’re talking! (Spins tumbler,

holds stethoscope up to safe door.) Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup!LOUELLA: What’s she saying?DIXIE: Nothing. I think she’s got the hiccups.TRIXIE: Right to ten. Left to five. Right to twenty-two. (Turns tumbler,

opens handle.) And that’s how it’s done. (No response from others.) Well, don’t all applaud at once!

LOUELLA: It’s empty!GINNY: (Pops out from behind screen holding the phone.) And you’re

all under arrest!LEONARD: I guess the coast wasn’t as clear as you two numbskulls

thought.LOUELLA: You can’t arrest us. You’re a child.GINNY: (Holding up phone.) I have it all on video.SUNNY: (ENTERS LEFT with JOSH, BRIAN, TINA and FRANCINE, carrying

rope, rolling pins, spatulas, ladles and other harmless kitchen tools.) Besides, look around, lady. You’re outnumbered!

LEONARD: Well, if it isn’t the Chef’s Surprise!GINNY: (Into phone.) Hello, nine-one-one? I need the police! Right

away! (TRIXIE takes the phone.) Hey!DIXIE: Run, Trixie! (TRIXIE runs UP CENTER, smashes into OLIVER, who

ENTERS UP CENTER holding Hal.)OLIVER: Oh, excuse me!SUNNY: She stole Ginny’s phone, Oliver.GINNY: Actually it’s Francine’s, but—OLIVER: Then you’d better give it back! (Attempts to grab the phone.)TRIXIE: Here, catch! (Tosses the phone to LEONARD, who misses it.)LOUELLA: Leonard!LEONARD: So I flunked P.E. Big deal! (JOSH races RIGHT to try to pick

it up, but runs smack into GRIMSTADT, who ENTERS RIGHT with OFFICER FLINT. GRIMSTADT falls and screams.)

GINNY: Oh, no!JOSH: Gosh, lady!OLIVER: Joshua, what do you say?

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JOSH: Why don’t you watch where you’re going?OLIVER: That’s not exactly what I had in mind.GRIMSTADT: (Rises, with help from OFFICER FLINT.) How dare you?!JOSH: Sorry, ma’am, but they stole a phone, and I was trying to get it!LEONARD: (Picks up the phone and holds it up.) This phone?LOUELLA: Give me that, Leonard. (Snatches the phone from him.)

These children used this phone to make a fake call to 911.LEONARD: A felony.OFFICER FLINT: Well, now, folks, dispatch didn’t say anything about

that.GRIMSTADT: He’s here to help me.OLIVER: Help you do what, Ms. Grimstadt?GRIMSTADT: Remove Ginny and Sunny from this abominable

environment and place them elsewhere.GINNY: What?OLIVER: You can’t do that!SUNNY: We’ve… we’ve… got a lawyer!GINNY: That’s right. Mr. Samuels.GRIMSTADT: After a call I received from your principal, Perry Mason

himself couldn’t help you!BRIAN: Who’s Perry Mason?GRIMSTADT: Officer, do your duty!GINNY: Wait a second! (ALL, except GINNY, FREEZE. SPOTLIGHTS UP

on GINNY and JUDGE.)JUDGE: And that’s when you told about your principal being on

paternity leave.GINNY: That’s right, Your Honor. (SPOTLIGHTS OUT. ALL UNFREEZE.)GRIMSTADT: Whoever made that call, well, it’s good enough evidence

for me. (In a gesture of triumph, LEONARD blows on his fingernails and brushes them on his chest.)

OLIVER: (Notices LEONARD’S gesture.) You phoned Ms. Grimstadt, didn’t you?

LEONARD: Me? I was at the tennis club all day, wasn’t I, Mummy?LOUELLA: You numbskull! All they have to do is check the phone

records and they’ll figure it out!GRIMSTADT: You’re still coming with me. Officer Flint will see to it that

you come quietly.GINNY: All right.SUNNY: Ginny!

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OLIVER: Ginny, is this what you really want?GINNY: I’ll go quietly after Officer Flint arrests these four for breaking

and entering.TRIXIE: It’s a lie!DIXIE: The door was open!TINA: They broke into the safe!OFFICER FLINT: What for?FRANCINE: The lottery ticket.GINNY: Somehow they found out that we’ve got the winning lottery

ticket.LOUELLA: My ticket, which you stole from Leonard!OFFICER FLINT: You mean the ticket sold at QuickMart?OLIVER: That’s the one.OFFICER FLINT: Well, now, nobody’s claimed the pot, so I’m afraid I’m

going to have to impound the disputed ticket as evidence.LOUELLA: It’s my ticket!GINNY: It’s not! Carrie bought it! We… we… found it in her purse.OFFICER FLINT: Let’s have the ticket, folks. We’ll let the judge decide

who the ticket belongs to. (ALL, except GINNY, FREEZE. SPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)

JUDGE: So that’s how I got brought into this mess, eh, Ginny?GINNY: I’m afraid so, Your Honor, sir.JUDGE: I can’t imagine Officer Flint was given the ticket with good

grace.GINNY: Good grace? I don’t know who she is, but the Pierpont

gang wasn’t going down without a fight. (SPOTLIGHTS OUT. ALL UNFREEZE.)

OLIVER: I… I’m not sure we should hand it over.LOUELLA: Get the ticket!OFFICER FLINT: It’s evidence.OLIVER: But it belongs to Carrie.GINNY: Maybe Hal can help you out, Oliver.OLIVER: Of course! This is exactly why I invented this app. Hold Hal,

Ginny. (Hands Hal to GINNY.) Now, let me see…LEONARD: We’re wasting time, Officer.TRIXIE: Yeah!DIXIE: We got hot dates tonight.LEONARD: You? Hot dates?TRIXIE: Shows what you know, Lenny.

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DIXIE: We’re goin’ out with a couple of line cooks at Joe’s Diner.TRIXIE: Have you ever felt how hot it gets in those kitchens?OLIVER: Okay. (Pulls out his phone and speaks into it.) Hal, should I

turn over the lottery ticket to Officer Flint?OFFICER FLINT: You’re asking your phone? (Puts on latex gloves and

pulls out an evidence bag.)BRIAN: All your personal information is in cyberspace. Hal pulls it

together and makes decisions for you based on what kind of person you are.

OFFICER FLINT: Well, I’ll be.HAL’S VOICE: You are too honest to defy the authorities. Turn over

the ticket.OLIVER: (Shrugs.) Sorry, girls.GINNY: Well, to tell the truth, that’s one thing we love about you, Oliver.SUNNY: Yeah… because it’s still our ticket.GINNY: (Takes the small paper with the numbers from her pocket.)

We’ve got the winning numbers right here.OLIVER: (Removes the ticket from behind the picture of Thomas

Edison.) Here it is, Officer.GINNY: I thought you hid it downstairs.OLIVER: No. I pocketed it and hid it later in secret. I thought it would

be best to throw everyone off the trail just to be extra safe. (As OFFICER FLINT reaches to take the ticket, LOUELLA snatches it and races RIGHT. Unnoticed by the OTHERS, she quickly hands ticket off to TRIXIE, who runs LEFT. LOUELLA races OFF RIGHT, followed by BRIAN and JOSH.)

DIXIE: (Shouts.) I got the ticket! (Runs OFF UP CENTER. OLIVER, GINNY and SUNNY run OFF UP CENTER after her.)

TINA: (Points to TRIXIE.) No, she’s got the ticket! (TRIXIE runs OFF LEFT, TINA, FRANCINE and LEONARD follow her OFF.)

OFFICER FLINT: (Not sure which way to go.) Get back here! Get back here! (Runs OFF RIGHT followed by GRIMSTADT. A moment later, LOUELLA runs ON RIGHT and hides behind the screen. JOSH and BRIAN run ON RIGHT. They cross and EXIT LEFT. LOUELLA sneaks out from behind screen. She tiptoes CENTER, but hears someone coming and ducks behind the safe just as DIXIE ENTERS UP CENTER and runs OFF RIGHT.)

GINNY: (Runs ON UP CENTER with SUNNY and OLIVER.) Where’d she go?

SUNNY: (Points LEFT.) That way!OLIVER: Hal will tell us. Which way should I go, Hal?

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HAL’S VOICE: You always go right!OLIVER: Follow me, troops! (Runs OFF RIGHT with GINNY and SUNNY.

TRIXIE runs ON LEFT.)LOUELLA: (Jumps up and snatches the ticket from TRIXIE.) Give me

that!TRIXIE: No, it’s mine!LOUELLA: Run! They’re coming! (TRIXIE runs OFF RIGHT. LOUELLA

ducks behind screen as TINA and FRANCINE run ON LEFT with LEONARD, who is tied up with rope.)

LEONARD: Let me go! Let me go! Mummy, I need help! Mummy! (TINA and FRANCINE run OFF UP CENTER pulling LEONARD after them.)

CARRIE: (ENTERS RIGHT, a moment later, before LOUELLA can make a run for it. Perplexed.) Now why would the girls have told me Mr. Samuels wanted to see me when his office closed at noon today? Oh, well, no harm done. What a nice, calm house for once. (Tosses the purse on the dining table.)

OFFICER FLINT: (Runs on RIGHT followed by TRIXIE, who whops him on the head with one of the purses from the table. JOSH and BRIAN run ON LEFT.) Knock it off! Knock it off!

TRIXIE: It’s my ticket! (OFFICER FLINT hides behind screen, but we hear a scream and LOUELLA races out from one side of the screen and OFFICER FLINT out the other. DIXIE runs ON RIGHT.)

GINNY: (Runs ON RIGHT with OLIVER and SUNNY. Points at DIXIE.) She’s got the ticket! (TINA and FRANCINE pull LEONARD ON UP CENTER.)

TRIXIE: No, she doesn’t!OFFICER FLINT: Where’s the ticket? Where’s the ticket?CARRIE: What’s going on? (ALL talk at once. There is shouting and

general confusion. LOUELLA moves DOWNSTAGE of the fray, holds up the ticket and kisses it. As she does so, GRANDMA ENTERS RIGHT on roller skates. She crosses DOWNSTAGE of LOUELLA, grabs the ticket and spins around at LEFT.)

OFFICER FLINT: (Blows his whistle loudly.) Silence! Silence! (Still wearing the latex gloves, he takes out his evidence bag again.)

GRANDMA: Here’s the ticket, Officer!LOUELLA: I might have known! Pistol Pearl!LEONARD: You were right, Mummy. She did give up the ticket, but not

to us.LOUELLA: Leonard! Shut up!OFFICER FLINT: (Gingerly places the ticket in the bag.) And now we’ll

let the judge decide who the owner is.

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GINNY: If the numbers on that ticket are five, twenty-five, thirty-eight, two and ten, it’s our ticket.

OFFICER FLINT: Funny, the numbers on this ticket are one, two, three, four and five.

LOUELLA: (To Leonard.) Those are the numbers you picked? Why am I not surprised? Your lack of imagination appalls me.

GINNY: But those can’t be the numbers. I copied them from the ticket itself!

BRIAN: Yeah, we saw her!LEONARD: Hey, that’s not our ticket. Those weren’t the numbers I

picked, Mummy.OFFICER FLINT: What numbers did you pick?LEONARD: Um, whatever that girl said.SUNNY: I saw Ginny take those numbers down from the ticket while it

was sitting inside the old yearbook.CARRIE: Grandma’s Beaver Brook High School yearbook?TINA: Yeah, the one with all the crazy hairdos.GRANDMA: Hey, we were hot as pistols in those days. You mean you

put that ticket in my yearbook?FRANCINE: We had to hide it somewhere before we hid it in Carrie’s

purse.OLIVER: So the truth comes out.SUNNY: Yeah. I did find that ticket on the floor.LOUELLA: But Leonard says it’s not the ticket he bought! Right,

Leonard?LEONARD: Absolutely not, Mummy.OFFICER FLINT: Now, hold on! I’m getting mighty confused! Whose

ticket is this?GRANDMA: Hold your horses! Hold it just one minute! (Skates over

to the yearbook, opens it and flips through it. Pulls a lottery ticket out.) Aha!

LEONARD: That’s my ticket!GRANDMA: This is my ticket! I always hide my tickets in my old

yearbook.GINNY: Why?GRANDMA: So I remember where I put it.CARRIE: Mom, what numbers are on that ticket?GRANDMA: Five, twenty-five, thirty-eight, two and ten.GINNY: That’s it! That’s the winning ticket!

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GRANDMA: You mean I won? I finally won? I’ve bought a ticket once a week for 20 years! Never won a cent! This is better than beating the—

LEONARD: But that’s my ticket! It’s the one I dropped.LOUELLA: And Leonard would never lie.OFFICER FLINT: I’m taking that ticket, too! The judge can figure it out!

(Pandemonium breaks out as ALL, except for GINNY, EXIT RIGHT. LIGHTS FADE OUT on the Bloomfield home. SPOTLIGHTS UP on GINNY and JUDGE.)

JUDGE: Which brings us up to date, right, Ginny?GINNY: Yes, Your Honor. Officer Flint put both tickets in the bag.JUDGE: And I have them here. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell

which ticket was purchased by which party.GRANDMA: (From OFF RIGHT.) Pssssst!JUDGE: Ma’am, I’m conducting a formal deposition and can’t be

interrupted.GRANDMA: (ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT on roller skates.) Sorry, Your

Honor, I got down here fast as I could.GINNY: What are you doing here, Grandma?GRANDMA: I was watching an old Perry Mason and figured out a way

to tell who bought which ticket.GINNY: Who’s Perry Mason?JUDGE: Sounds interesting, ma’am.GRANDMA: Well, I’m no expert, except maybe on roller skates, but

Leonard’s fingerprints will be on the ticket he bought, won’t they? And mine wouldn’t, because I never touched that ticket. And his won’t be on mine, ’cause it was in the yearbook all that time.

JUDGE: Ma’am, I am indebted to you. I will send these two tickets to forensics and, pending the results of fingerprint analysis, I’ll render my decision. And thanks, Ginny. I think we’re close to unraveling this mess. (GRANDMA and JUDGE EXIT FORESTAGE RIGHT. LIGHTS UP on the Bloomfield home. BRIAN and JOSH sit on the floor by the TV playing a game. TINA, FRANCINE and SUNNY exchange text messages on phones. CARRIE holds wallpaper samples up to the wall. OLIVER tweaks Hal.)

GINNY: (Crosses into the scene RIGHT, talking on the phone.) Everything is just fine, Ms. Grimstadt. We know you’ll be very happy in your new department. Sanitation is a very important part of city government. Thank you. Bye!

CARRIE: Ginny, what do you think about this wallpaper?GINNY: It’s nice.

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CARRIE: You don’t sound convinced.GINNY: Well, with all the money you’ve got now, why don’t you have a

professional decide?OLIVER: It’s Grandma’s money. Only her fingerprints were on the ticket.SUNNY: But she’s been sharing it.CARRIE: I know, but I like to do my own decorating.TRIXIE: (ENTERS LEFT in an apron and chef’s hat.) Too bad you don’t

like to do your own cooking.CARRIE: Now, Trixie, you know you needed a job. And you roast a

chicken better than anybody I know.DIXIE: (ENTERS LEFT. Wears a maid’s outfit and carries plates and

silverware to set the table.) She ought to. She’s had enough dates with that line chef at Joe’s Diner.

CARRIE: Oh, don’t set a place for Grandma tonight.DIXIE: How come?CARRIE: She’s got a hot date. (GRANDMA ENTERS UP CENTER and

crosses RIGHT, carrying her skates.)OLIVER: Where are you going, Mom?GRANDMA: Skating rink.GINNY: Aren’t you going to tell us who you’re going out with?SUNNY: Yeah, do we know him?GRANDMA: You sure do. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)GINNY: I’ll get it. (EXITS RIGHT.)CARRIE: Well, you behave yourself, Mom.GRANDMA: Not to worry. My date’s the epitome of integrity.JOSH: Sounds like Superman.GRANDMA: In my book, he is.JUDGE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Hello, Ginny, is your Grandma ready for our

date? (SOUND EFFECT: JUDGE’S GAVEL. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Play

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEBloomfield Home: couch, small coffee table, multiple piles of books,

magazines, electronic gadgets, dining table set with four chairs, paper, pencils, cell phone, small bookshelf holding more books, old high school yearbook, artful partition screen, a large picture of Thomas Edison (behind which should be concealed a lottery ticket), television with gaming console and a few modern art pieces.

Judge’s Chambers: Two armchairs.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE

Book (GINNY)Stack of books, new pair of shoes (CARRIE)Briefcase (GRIMSTADT)Lottery ticket, bag of groceries (SUNNY)Hal device, hammer, several notebooks, small card (OLIVER)Phone, glass of water (FRANCINE)Smartphone (JOSH)Purse (GRANDMA)

ACT TWOMop, bucket with cleaning supplies and rags, phone (TRIXIE)Mop, bucket with cleaning supplies and rags, stethoscope, plates

and silverware (DIXIE)Small cage with a mouse, Hal device, phone (OLIVER)Six purses, including one with jewelry pin, keys and other items,

and another with a phone, two grocery bags, purse with shopping list, wallpaper samples (CARRIE)

Hand bag, hat, roller skates (GRANDMA)Can of soda, paper with lotto numbers, phone (GINNY)Cell phone, briefcase (GRIMSTADT)Cell phone, rope (LEONARD)Safe (JOSH and BRIAN)Rope, rolling pins, spatulas, ladles, other kitchen implements

(SUNNY, JOSH, BRIAN, TINA, FRANCINE)Latex gloves, evidence bag, whistle (OFFICER FLINT)Smartphones (TINA, SUNNY, FRANCINE)

SOUND EFFECTSLoud crash, doorbell, text message alert, cell phone ring, judge’s gavel.

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LIGHTING EFFECTSWhen the judge addresses Ginny, the lights go down on the rest of the stage as spotlights come up on Ginny, wherever she happens to be onstage at the time, and on Judge, who remains in his chambers at FORESTAGE RIGHT.

If spotlights are not available, the lighting can merely shift to indicate when Ginny shifts back and forth from the flashback scenes and present time. Another alternative is to have the other onstage actors freeze during the scenes in the present. That is, of course, unless they have stage action as specified in the script.

COSTUME REQUIREMENTS

In ACT TWO, TRIXIE and DIXIE wear cleaning lady uniforms when they first appear in the Bloomfield home. Later, they are outlandishly disguised as elderly people. A wig, shawl, cane and granny glasses are suggested for TRIXIE. Pants pulled up high, a rumpled shirt, a cardigan sweater and a baseball cap are suggested for DIXIE. At the end, TRIXIE wears an apron and chef’s hat. DIXIE is dressed as a maid. At all times TRIXIE and DIXIE should wear distinctive shoes, such as brightly colored bowling shoes.

TINA and FRANCINE must have different hair color. (Oliver’s line may be adjusted to suit this.)

FLEXIBLE CASTING

The characters from the TV broadcast can be performed by the actors portraying the PIERPONTS or TRIXIE and DIXIE.

Hal’s voice is performed as a live or recorded voiceover. If needed, it is also possible to reduce the cast size by making the Judge and the TV characters voiceovers. If making the Judge a voiceover, Ginny looks out and speaks “through” the fourth wall as if the Judge is in that direction.

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www.pioneerdrama.com

800.333.7262Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315

PO Box 4267Englewood, CO 80155-4267

We’re here to help!

DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMAWords on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you’re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible:

WHy PIOnEER:

Maintain control of your casting. We know you can’t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch

the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire

cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays.

adapt and custoMize.Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.

Be original.Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year.

take advantage of our teaching tools.Pioneer’s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs – one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production.

it’s like having an assistant.Use our Director’s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes – you’ll love our spiral-bound, 8½” x 11” books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes.

videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.