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How to Survive a Horror MovieBased on watching many, many horror movies.

1. Firstly, never drink or do drugs and stay a virgin. Boring!

2. Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.

3. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it willstart immediately in times of crisis.

4. When you're searching a house because you think there'ssomething dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lightson!

5. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall downat least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also notethat, despite the fact that you are running and the monster ismerely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch upwith you.

6. Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish.

7. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sureyou know what you are doing.

8. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a goodreason. Take the hint and stay away.

9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

10. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has justgone out.

11. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,that was once a church that was used for black masses, hadprevious inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died

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in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performednecrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

12. Always check the back seat of your car.

13. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which youthought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your onlyway out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

14. If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and anyexotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man)warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite inorder to demonstrate how silly they are.

15. Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, orterrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on thespot where the event took place. Most especially on even centuryanniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehowdescended from one of the original participants.

16. If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turnsback to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

17. Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

18. Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shystrange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom andoften in a horribly gory way.

19. Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will bethe one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

20. Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.

21. Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. Theyusually know more than you do.

22. Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being

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chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

23. Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you makeit out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

24. Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are beingchased.

25. If you find Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, dont forget toforward him my email address! area51newmexico@hotmail.com

26. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

27. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near agrave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

28. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

29. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as:Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangleor any small town in Maine.

30. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, stapleguns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers,butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possiblydeathly) device made from deceased companions.

31. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to theaudience. They are usually far more intelligent than you couldever hope to be.

32. Remember: Showing Skin=Death.

33. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

34. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

35. When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them

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in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, justsurrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

36. If you're annoying person that no-body likes and in a crap

cheapo horror movie, please make a documentary that requiresyou to hike through the woods while looking for a witch thatleaves stick figures hanging in trees, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

37. Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.

38.If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequeland kick ass, no explanation needed.