Lasting Marriages: Jewish Style

Benjamin Schlesinger* and Robert I? Mullaly**

Introduction During the past six years, there have been

an increasing amount of articles related to Jewish one-parent families in the Journal of Jewish Communal Service. The breakdown of the Jewish family has become a popular topic in our Jewish communities. What we have not done is to examine what is happening to those Jewish families whose marriages are lasting and who appear to continue to live a meaningful fam- ily life despite the tremendous pressures in the 1980s.

Lasting Marriages: A Canadian Study This study was completed by the authors

and a group of nine social work students at the Faculty of Social Work. *

During the month of November 1980, we advertised in a local newspaper for volunteers. A lasting marriage was defined as a first marriage, which had lasted at least 15 years and contained at least one child. Two types of questionnaires were developed. A check-list which husbands and wives were asked to fill out separately, and a five-question open-ended questionnaire which was also filled out separately. Due to geographi- cal limitations in Metropolitan Toronto, nearly one-half of our questionnaires were mailed, and one-half of our sample had personal interviews. A total of 129 couples were included in our study of whom 40 couples were Jewish.

Description of the Sample The eighty Jewish respondents ranged in

age from thirty-three to sixty-seven years with an

*Benjamin Schlesinger, Ph.D. is Professor, Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M5S fAf

**Robert P. Mullaly, M.S.W. IS Assistant Professor, Department of Social Work, St. Thomas University, Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada.

average age of forty-six years. Seventy-six per- cent (n=61) of this group had at least some uni- versity education and fifty-three percent (n=42) of the total Jewish sample had completed uni- versity.

Using an occupational class scale** it was found that of the sixty-two Jewish persons re- ported working, forty-three were in occupations comprising the upper third on this scale. These occupations were: 1) managerial and adminis- trative; 2) professional; and 3) own their own business. The largest group was in the profes- sional category-one third (n=21) of those working.

All forty couples had been married for at least fifteen years with the largest group (16 couples) having been married between 21-26 years. The number of children of these families ranged from one to five with the average being approximately three children.

If one were to extract an “average Jewish couple” from this population the couple would tend to be in their mid forties, married for twenty-four years with three children. Both per- sons would have a university education with the husband working in a professional or top man- agement position, and the wife working part time in either a clerical or administrative position.

Findings-Checklist Questionnaire A three part questionnaire was developed

as the main research instrument for this study. The first part asked for certain socio- demographic information on each respondent. The second and third parts of the questionnaire were in the form of a checklist with Part II listing fifteen areas where couples may agree or dis- agree in their marriage, and Part Ill listing seventy-one variables which the respondent would rank in terms of importance for a lasting marriage. The questionnaire was administered to husband and wife separately.

a) Areas of High and Low Agreement within the Jewish Sample

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Table 1

Areas of Perfect Agreement Between Husband and Wife Groups

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Item

Trusting each other Loving each other Honesty in communication Give and take in marriage Ability to solve problems together Fidelity in marriage Willingness to make sacrifices Friendship

Mean Rating (max.=4.0)

3.99 3.98 3.96 3.95 3.91 3.90 3.85 3.83

The forty Jewish couples were subdivided into husband and wife groups. Responses to the eighty-six checklist items on the questionnaire were then examined to see if there were items where both sexes either agreed or disagreed significantly.

Cross tabulations were carried out on all items with respect to the sex of the respondents. Of the eighty-six items it was found that there was significant disagreement between the hus- band and wife groups on three of them and per- fect agreement between these two groups on eight of them.

Areas where significant differences*** existed between the husband and wife groups were: that wives tended to think that individual friends and the ability to confront and work out problems were more important in helping a mar- riage to last than did husbands; whereas the husband group tended to think that common activities between husband and wife were more important in helping a marriage to last than did the wife group.

Areas where both husband and wife groups had perfect agreement in terms of rating their importance to a lasting marriage are illustrated in Table 1.

b) Comparison of Jewish and non-Jewish Sample Groups

Cross tabulations were carried out to see if there were any significant differences between the ratings that the Jewish sample gave to the items on the questionnaire and those given by the non-Jewish sample.

Areas of Disagreement within Marriage It was found that there were two areas

where Jewish couples tended to have more dis- agreement between themselves (i.e. husband and wife tended to have disagreements over these items in their marriage) than did the non- Jewish couples. Jewish couples more frequently disagreed over what constituted conventionality (correct or proper behaviour) and the proper division of and responsibility for household tasks.

In terms of rating the importance of speci- fied qualities to their own marriage it was found that there were eleven areas where the ratings by the Jewish sample differed significantly (p < .05) from those of the non-Jewish sample. In- terestingly enough, each of these eleven areas were rated higher in terms of importance in helping a marriage to last by the Jewish sample. In other words, there was not a single item from the eighty-six that the non-Jewish sample thought was more important to a lasting mar- riage than the Jewish sample. The eleven areas which the Jewish sample rated higher were:

1) sharing negative feelings and emotions; 2) recognizing own need in marriage; 3) similar religious background; 4) similar ethnic (cultural) background; 5) common interests; 6) common activities; 7) freedom from financial worries; 8) confiding innermost feelings to each other; 9) loving each other;

10) sexual satisfaction; 11) sharing religious values.

All in all, in terms of socio-economic status the Jewish sample tended to be an upper middle

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class group, highly educated and relatively free from financial worry. The responses to the checklist questionnaire indicate that this group places much more emphasis on the importance of homogeneity (common interests, activities, similar religous and ethnic background) to a lasting marriage than does the non-Jewish sample. The second area which the Jewish sample tended to place more importance on to a lasting marriage was intimacy between the couple (confiding, loving, sharing negative feel- ings and sexual satisfaction).

The Open-Ended Questions-Findings The first question was “what are the three

most important factors that contribute to a last- ing marriage?”

Both Jewish men and women indicated that love, respect, and trust were the most important factors. Some of the actual comments were:

Female: 15 years married The emotional support of each other’s joys and sadness. The constant growth of both partners even i f it means a growth apart, including trust and respect for that growth. The risk taking in all aspects and trying not to intentionally hurt the partner in any way and trusting a need for privacy at some risks. Female: 20 years married A romantic and friendship love-so interrelated-good friends. Concern and caring for one another-being conscious of how spouse will feel and react-his desires-and work out a compromise. Good communica- tion-sensitivity-being aware of body language-sensing other per- son’s needs. Male: 20 years married Mutual Respect-respect of feelings-concern about how other person is feeling. Sexual compatibility- love and sex goes together-reflects how things are going in the relationship. Want the same things from life-free from emotional pressures, travel, goals similar-awareness of what goes on in the work, share interests, and commitment to the community.

Female: 26 years married Respect for spouse and be proud of him. Being in love. Friendship- consider partner to be best friend and share anything with him and knows he will have her best interest at heart. Male: 27 years married A lot of lovehespect: similarity of goals, or ability to work out differ- ences. Shared sense of values- tend not to change throughout life- particularly concerning relationships with people, how priorities are set- these are determined in talking with people when younger. The second question asked “What were

your expectations of marriage at the time you were married, and how do these compare with your expectations today?” Both men and women headed “traditional expectations” at the top of the list, but this changed to more “shared responsibilities’’ and “independence” of expec- tations today.

Female: 15 years married Not sure I have any when 1 got mar- ried. Just fell into the role of wife and two years later mother. Typical stereotype that I’d leave work and be a mother and be totally dependent upon my husband-rose coloured glasses that it would last forever. Today, com- pletely different attitude. Now I expect a career, realize children were wrong for us and have my own goals and life style which is not always same as spouse’s. We now fit into each other as opposed to my being part of his world. My personage is important. Male: 15 years married I married for companionship with the thought that there would be children one day. But the roles of supporter and father were not deeply thought out. After the marriage, I discovered a very special relationship and having chil- dren became an extension of our love. Children placed strong pressures on the marriage that question the initial decision. My expectations today are to help my children make a success of their lives in the manner they choose, and to enjoy my wife’s companion- ship. I am planning carefully our fi-

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nances so that retirement can be looked to another phase of our mar- riage without worry. Male: 20 years married Both my wife and I would be able to combine satisfying careers with warm and stable relationship. This has been the pattern to date, and I anticipate “more of the same.’’ I expected that we would observe equality in terms of raising children and household duties. Female: 20 years married I expected to have a better relation- ship with my mother-in-law, I realize now she’s not going to change. I never expected the kind of rebellion my son went through. It also took a long time to get used to my husband’s sense of perfection. Finally, I have never gotten used to the fact that the days aren’t long enough to do all of the things I want to do. Female: 26 years married I expected a lifetime commitment when first married. I expected happi- ness, financial and emotional security. I expected to have a family and shar- ing friendship. Didn’t expect that it would be as good as it is because I lacked maturity. Today, maturity af- fects my relationships and cause it to flower. Expectations today are of sol- idarity and contentment. Female: 34 years married My expectations were a happy warm “nest”- healthy, happy children and husband-warm, loving atmosphere of “home”-most important thing for a healthy relationship. Caring atmos- phere at home, then children feel se- cure and grow up more secure- happy and a better person. Quality demands care. My expectations today are the same. The third question was “How do you and

your partner resolve conflict in your marriage?” Over half of our subjects mentioned discussion, and a third pointed out that they used a combi- nation of approaches such as first arguing, then discussion, followed by resolution or agreement.

Female: 15 years married Most times we confront each other with the problem and come to a solu-

tion. Until we learned proper com- munication, our problems were never solved. Instead we yelled or got angry-making up was not easy after being upset several hours. Patience and maturity prevented the conflicts from continuing beyond our early years of marriage. Male: 75 years married In the past we tried to ignore problems hoping they would disappear. This made things worse as frustration forced anger to the surface. We have since learned to read early danger signals in ourselves or each other. We tell each other how we feel and at- tempt to talk out the problem. While there are occasions when we are not successful, I feel that the effort we are making is worthwhile. Male: 26 years married Never to go to sleep angry. Ventilate angry feelings verbally, direct. Be up front with partner. Female: 34 years married We have to sit down and talk it over-when children were growing up-when my husband was upset it was best to let him cool off, then talk it over when issue wasn’t so hot. The fourth question dealt with the “satisfac-

tions” and “dissatisfactions” of a lasting mar- riage. The three major satisfactions for our Jewish men were friendship and companion- ship, shared interests and goals, and building something together such as home life and fam- ily. For the women the major satisfactions were friendship, personal growth, and a supportive partner. In the dissatisfied category, only a few men (8 percent) mentioned “not sexually satis- fied,” and “money problems,” while the women felt the same way and included the husband’s workload (all under 10 percent of the women).

Male: 15 years married The private world that I have estab- lished with my wife is the most satis- fying aspect of the marriage. Beyond this we together share a different kind of private world with the children. This overall feeling of intimacy within the family has made the family a refuge and a source of strength to deal with the outside world.

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Female: 20 years married We really do love and care for each other-we are friends as well as lev- ers. We are partners in most things. I never thought that marrying my hus- band meant marrying my mother-in- law as well. I often get frustrated by my husband’s commitment to his work. Maie: 20 years married My satisfactions are a supportive, loving and concerned wife, two “nor- mal” healthy children, and enjoyment from shared experiences. The sharing of joys, sorrows, responsibilities, etc., has been a most satisfying aspect.

The dissatisfactions are that my wife comes from a fine, upstanding but rather prudish family. Her ideas of sexual pleasure are pedestrian (rela- tively) and far from adventuresome! However, increasing age, increasing fatigue, (increasing maturity?) have made my sexual fantasies far less outlandish, of late, and I cannot really call this aspect of our marriage “un- satisfying” any more. female: 36 Years married Marriage provided me with children and this was a very satisfying experi- ence. Marriage has made me feel useful, needed and appreciated. Mar- riage has allowed me to give of myself and in turn I feel I am receiving a lot back. My husband has become too dependent and I have become more independent. I feel that 1 would find it easier to survive without him than he would without me. The last question asked of our subjects to

indicate “What advice would you give to a couple about to be married today?” The three most important points mentioned by both men and women were “Communication,” “Respect,” and “Commitment.” “Working at your marriage,” came fourth for both men and women.

female: 75 years married Love is number one and because you love each other you must also re- spect, trust and support each other. I feel it’s important to have individual friends and interests but come to- gether to share. Marriage is learning

to live with another person; but having different values, colour and religion may bring extra problems which could make the marriage very trying. Keep a level head and open communication, so when problems arise, you can both sit down together and resolve them as equal partners. Male: 15 years married The values that I have concerning marriage seem so different from young people today that they seem out of place. Trial marriages and 5 year contracts are difficult for me to understand, and yet, if my children, in a few years, were to suggest such things I would probably accept it and offer the moral support for them to succeed in their own way. Rejection of middle class values would be more difficult for me to accept because this would be a rejection of my values. In such a case I would find it more dif- ficult to offer moral support. Marriage is a partnership. The ME attitude or “if it does not at first succeed; walk away” thinking has no place in a successful marriage. Conflicts are normal as two people learn about each other and adjust to a shared life. The commit- ment to a successful marriage really begins after the honeymoon. Male: 20 years married Go for it! It’s the only way to live. How- ever, take off the rose-coloured glasses, and realize that it takes effort, and a lot of “give and take” to meld two 20-25 year old personalities who have led independent existences to that point in time. Even the most ostensibly “compatible” couple will exhibit a lot of incompatible bumps, edges and per- sonality quirks. The trick is to sand these irregularities down to achieve a workable “fit” without becoming up- tight and/or sacrificing individuality. Avoid someone from a culture, religious/socio-economic background which differs greatly from your own. There are problems enough to making marriages work without entering alien territory! Be prepared to give compas-

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sion, exhibit patience, and talk things out. female: 34 years married Always be honest and respect each other-(I’m assuming that they love each other or else they wouldn’t get married.) Keep in mind that material wealth does not give you happiness, necessarily. If you intend to have a family, it should be your first priority- giving children a warm, loving, caring home is terribly important, particularly in their early years and for this the mother must stay home-in later years the parents will reap the bene- fits of this loving care many times over, because your own children’s respect and love give you great personal satisfaction.

Conclusions We have presented some findings of a

study of 129 lasting marriages, which included 40 Jewish couples. It is important for studies of Jewish family life in North America that we do not focus only on the break-up of Jewish families but attempt to continue to examine those Jewish

families who last, and who seem to be enjoying family life in the 1980s.

FOOTNOTES

*The following students were involved in this study: Sharon Dove; Janet Heinrichs; Pamela Kopstein; Nita Levine; Betty Lou Lynn; Elaine Solway; Judy Spiegel; Lauren Wainwright; Sydney Woollcombe. They received their Masters of Social Work degree in June 1981.

**This scale was developed by a Canadian sociologist, Bernard R. Blishen, and is used to determine the class distribution of occupational groups in the Canadian social structure. The scale is based upon the average income and the average number of years of schooling associated with each occupation. See Bernard R. Blishen, “The Construction and Use of an Occupational Class Scale,” Canadian Society: Sociological Per- spectives (Toronto: The MacMillan Company of Canada Ltd., 1961) pp. 477-485.

***It should be noted that both husband and wife groups rated these three items as important in helping a mar- riage to last. However, the differences in the ratings were significant at the .05 level.

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