It’s been a number of months since I have released an issue of The Sims Weekly World News. For those who look forward to it, my apologies. I have had a number of health issues over the years and this past summer while investigating one of them another was found and I had to undergo surgery to remove my gall bladder. While that in itself isn’t so bad, because of other health issues I had to do it without the aid of pain medication. Needless to say recovery wasn’t quick or painless and to add insult to injury, surgery aggravated other things. The upside is I feel better than I have in a number of years.

So, without further ado, here is the newest edition of The Sims Weekly World News.

Enjoy.~Georga

DEAD NO LONGER HAPPY AT PEACEFUL REST GRAVEYARD

There have been a number of frightening reports that the dearly departed are no longer happy at Peaceful Rest Graveyard. It is being reported, on an almost nightly basis by those who are venturing to the graveyard to photograph ghosts, that the ghosts are refusing to go about haunting and instead are getting in cars and leaving.

Miraj Alvi has seen it happen on more than one occasion. “It’s incredible. Unlike anything I have seen and I have lived around here long enough to see a ton of strange things. The ghosts are getting up, exiting the graveyard and getting into cars and leaving. They aren’t ghostly cars either. The ghost of the Tragic Clown stole my car!”

Sunset Valley Police Department has issued a number of parking tickets for vehicles thought to be abandoned but were later reported stolen. It is unknown if these two events are connected.

Meanwhile, neither Landgraab Science Facility or Fort Gnome have any plans to investigate the strange behavior of the dead. We were told that would be up to independent parapsychologists. Unfortunately, Sunset Valley does not have any local ghost busters and TAPS is refusing to return all calls from City Hall so this phenomenon may go unexplored and unanswered.

FOOD POISONING OUTBREAK BLAMED ON

TURTLE SALAD

A number of people have been admitted to Sacred Spleen Hospital with a unique strain of food poisoning never seen before anywhere in Sim City. Doctors blame an Egyptian delicacy called Turtle Salad.

“Not only are people returning to Sunset Valley ill after a vacation but they are teaching others how to make Turtle Salad, and, well, it’s just bad. Turtle and lettuce should not be served together.” Doctor Daniels told us.

Part of visiting any foreign location is to sample the local foods while there, and Turtle Salad is one of the more popular foods in Egypt. It is essentially Autumn Salad with a live turtle added.

“Even the healthiest of pet turtles carry Salmonella. It is really not a good idea to put one in any kind of food stuff unless it has been prepared properly. In the case of Turtle Salad, there is no preparation.

There is no cleaning or cooking of the turtle as one would do with turtle soup. “Chef Jamison, who works at The Little Corisican Bistro, told us..“To make matters worse in the case of this dish, lettuce is one of those vegetables that often harbor Salmonella. Mixing the two is really a bad idea.”

For those traveling abroad, it is best to avoid this dish unless you enjoy stomach cramps, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, fever, chills, dehydration and turtlely aftertaste that can last up to three months.

The Sims Center for Disease Control is asking people who visit Egypt not to eat the Turtle Salad and upon returning home not to teach others to make it. SCDC director, Dave Thomas said, “We need to protect the health of every Sim in our community and in order to do that, we need everyone not to eat Turtle Salad. It’s just a bad idea and a health threat.”

MYTHICAL CREATURE

FOUND

Unusual things are normal in many parts of Sim City. Everything from cheese plants to lawn gnome armies can be found. The latest in a long line of things that shouldn’t exist but do is the no longer so mythical unicorn.

It has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that unicorns really do exist and they bring rainbows with them.

Contrary to popular belief, rainbows are not the product of unicorn farts. They are actually produced by the horn.

Another myth that has been disproved by the recent unicorn sightings is that unicorns are not always white. A number of black unicorns have been spotted. Some people believe that black unicorns are evil. There is no research or reports to support this rumor.

Unicorns are really quite remarkable animals. Those who have gotten

close enough to one and offered it food have been blessed by the animal. No one is quite sure what a unicorn blessing does, but they report being in a much better mood and being able to get things done quicker.

“The unicorn that I met prefers apples and carrots to other foods.” Justine Keaton reports. “It seemed to like the carrots a bit more like a normal horse.”

But there is nothing that makes a unicorn a normal horse. They were thought to be solely a fairy tale creature, a thing of legend and myth. There have been no fossilized unicorn skeletons or unicorn horns found at any point in history. Where these animals came from is anyone’s guess.

Some people think that the sudden appearance of unicorns is some kind of conspiracy, that the government has planted them to make everyone believe that they are real.

“One of two things have happened here,” CyclOn3 Sw0rd, a local hacker, explains, “Either the government has dressed up normal horses in elaborate Halloween costumes or these creatures are the product of some elaborate genetic experiment. I believe it’s more of the latter. None of us know what kind of top secret thing that are working on at Fort Gnome. My bet is they created unicorns. They are probably working on dragons as we speak.”

Sim Times Best Seller ListFICTION

1. Llama Rights2. The Dragon’s Age3. Zombies? Zombies!4. Fashion Advice for

Hermits5. Game of Thorns6. Noble History of Socks7. Special Snowflake8. Jimmy Sprocket and the

Mummy’s Curse9. Do I Exist?10.Noble History of Socks

NON - FICTION

1. The Year of the Llama2. The Evolution of Robo-Llama3. Questionable Romantic

Foods4. How to Spin Plates5. Baby Incoming: Preparing

with Vigilance6. Everyone Has a Bladder7. A Guide to Desert Stick

Pokey8. Advanced Facial

Expressions9. Squares Are Not Triangles10.Teenage Rebellion and You

This winter the big fashion trend comes straight from the country that brought you Turtle Salad, Egypt. Fire is the new trend. Not only is it stylish, but it will keep you warm. No more freezing in sub-zero weather when you go out wearing fire. Animal rights activists love it because no animals had to die to make it. Vegans love it because it contains no plant fiber which means more food for them. Fire is the perfect accessory for every outfit!

MISSED CONNECTION – You robbed my house last Tuesday. Cops showed up before I could introduce myself. Box 903214

LOST SIMBOT – Last seen at Rags to Riches Consignment Shop. Answers to the name Gloria. If found please return. Reward. 555-254-8632

FOR SALE – Slightly used ice cream truck. Low miles, new brakes, good freezer. Ice cream not included. Best offer. 555-256-7821

FOR SALE – 5 Egyptian sarcophagus pieces. No assembly directions. Make offer. 555-254-3246

FREE TO GOOD HOME – 3 cute kittens. Not house trained. 555-254-8965

HELP WANTED – Sacred Spleen is looking for a few people interested in joining the ever growing health care industry. No experience necessary. Will provide training. Apply in person.

HELP WANTED – Gnomes R Us is opening in Sunset Valley. If you have ever been interested in lawn gnome design now is your chance to find out how it’s done while having a lucrative career. On the job training, benefits. Send resume to Box 453412.

PUPPIES – Mixed breed clueless, hyper, hydrophobic puppies looking for a home. Call 555-256-9145 for more information.

ANCIENT RELICS WANTED – Looking for ancient relics from Egypt and China. Family visiting and I want to impress them. Will pay top dollar. Call 555-256-4112

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR – Reasonable rates. Available for weddings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, bachelor parties and nudist slumber parties. 555-254-3215