Tumblr Tan

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TUMBLR-TAN Written by Matthew D Hems

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INT. 8AM INSIDE TUMBLR-TANs bedroom TUMBLR-TAN lies asleep in her bed. A little alarm clock blinks and chimes a quiet song alarm. Theres a banging on her door. FATHER Tumblr! Im serious! If you dont go to school today Im cutting off your internet! TUMBLR-TAN snaps awake. TUMBLR-TAN (whispers to herself) Cut off my internet? He wouldnt. Let me just check my blog and then Ill get up. TUMBLR-TAN rolls across her bed and opens her laptop on the floor. She refreshes the Tumblr Dashboard. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) No new messages? Ugh. Whatevs. TUMBLR-TAN quickly snaps a picture of her face in a funny pose and posts it. FATHER Lets go young lady! You already missed the bus! TUMBLR-TAN What? No! How am I gonna get to school? EXT. OUTSIDE TUMBLR-TANs GARAGE TUMBLR-TAN and her FATHER stand in front of an old bicycle. TUMBLR-TAN I cant ride that thing! FATHER Sure you can. Im the one that taught you how to ride a bike remember? TUMBLR-TAN No Dad. I mean I cant ride that thing in public! Its old and gross!


FATHER No its not. Its uh. Whats that word youre always throwing around? Oh right. Its vintage. TUMBLR-TANs eyes widen. TUMBLR-TAN Vintage? Really? FATHER Sure. They dont make bikes like this one anymore. Yup this is a real rare find. So make sure you use the bike lock. TUMBLR-TAN Take a picture of me on it first! FATHER What? TUMBLR-TAN Here snap a pic! I want everyone to see my new vintage bike! TUMBLR-TAN puts her phone in her FATHERs hand. He scratches his head and hesitates. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) THE GREEN BUTTON! The camera beeps and TUMBLR-TAN strikes a pose on the bike. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Do another one! Keep going! FATHER Do we really have time for this? TUMBLR-TAN gets a threataning look. TUMBLR-TAN There is always time for pictures. If I dont have pictures, it didnt happen. FATHER snaps a few more shots. TUMBLR-TAN runs up an snatches her phone back. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Oh yeah. This is perfect!


TUMBLR-TAN swings her leg over the bike and prepares to pedal off. She then remembers to put on her T shaped barrette. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Bye Dad! FATHER See you tonight, Tumblr-tan! INT/EXT VARIOUS SETTINGS We watch each of the students in various stages of their morning routines as TUMBLR-TAN pedals through the town. L.J. packs her books in a messenger bag and cleans her glasses. YOUTUBE rolls out of bed and does brushes his teeth. BLOGGER quickly checks some websites and runs out the door after taking a swig of orange juice. MYSPACE gets on his bike and zips through bus streets and pulls off a stunt or two. EXT. MINUTES LATER in front of the elementary school TUMBLR-TAN heaves and wheezes as she tries to race to class. TUMBLR-TAN Almost there. I can see the high school! Suddenly a little girl runs out of the school yard. Shes chasing after a blue bird and it leads her directly into the path of TUMBLR-TAN. TUMBLR-TAN notices and panics. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Watch out little girl! I dont think my brakes work! TUMBLR-TAN shrieks as she sharply turns and narrowly misses hitting the little girl. The sudden direction change leads TUMBLR-TAN straight into oncoming traffic. TUMBLR-TAN again cries out and is prepared to be run over by a mini van when the van rolls to a stop in front of her. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Huh? TUMBLR-TAN looks around and sees she had turned onto a pedestrian crossing. The crossing guard had stopped traffic.


TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Oh you saved my life, Crossing Guard! I was totes about to die! FACEBOOK My pleasure, TUMBLR-TAN. TUMBLR-TAN Favebook?! What are you doing here? Why are you a crossing guard? Oh my God! IS your family broke? Did you haveto get a job? Are you supporting your whole family now on your part time minimum wage job as a school crossing guard?! FACEBOOK Uh, no, Tumblr-tan. I volunteer a couple days every week. TUMBLR-TAN Volunteer? FACEBOOK It looks nice on my college applications and I get to walk my sister to school. TUMBLR-TAN You have a sister? FACEBOOK Thats her over there with the blue hair. TUMBLR-TAN Blue? Hair? TUMBLR-TAN slowly turns around and sees TWITTER playing on the sidewalk with friends. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) ACK! FACEBOOK Are you okay, Tumblr-tan? TUMBLR-TAN Gotta go, bro! TUMBLR-TAN hops on her bike and gets ready to pedal. A hand tugs on her skirt.


TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Let go of my skirt, Facebook!! TUMBLR-TAN growls and looks at FACEBOOK. He points toward the ground. TUMBLR-TAN looks down and sees TWITTER holding onter her skirt. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) ACK! TWITTER You almost hit me with your junky old bike. TUMBLR-TAN chokes. TUMBLR-TAN Shhhh. What? No. No, I think you have me mistaken. You little girls and your imaginations. Run along and go play with your friends. I gotta get to class! TWITTER I have video. TUMBLR-TAN WHAT?! TWITTER takes out a childrens cell phone and plays back a short clip of TUMBLR-TAN screaming and barreling towards her on the bike. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) GIVE ME THAT! TUMBLR-TAN scrambles to get a hold of the phone. But to no avail. TWITTER I dont like you. I dont like your rickety old bike. TUMBLR-TAN Little girls shouldnt say things like that! Whatre you going to do with that video?! TWITTER Nothing. TUMBLR-TAN Huh?


TWITTER Just stay away from my brother. TUMBLR-TAN What are you talking about? He and I are just class mates! Hes the head of my class! I cant stay away from him! We go to school together! TWITTER I know a hussy when I see one. TUMBLR-TAN WHO EVEN USES THAT WORD?! TWITTER Youve been warned. TWITTER slinks away and TUMBLR-TAN looks dumbstruck. TUMBLRTAN twitches and begins to cry and rides off on her bike. FACEBOOK calls out to her FACEBOOK TUMBLR-TAN whats wrong? TUMBLR-TAN I HATE MY LIFE! INT. NEARLY NOON. THE CLASSROOM The kids all anxiously wait in there seat and stare at the class clock. It slowly ticks towards noon. TUMBLR-TAN Oh come on! Stupid clock! Im gonna kill you, clock. Just stab you with this pencil. Stab stab stab. YOUTUBE leans forward and whispers in TUMBLR-TANs ear. YOUTUBE I can hear you you know. TUMBLR-TAN is jolted. For a moment she looks like some kind of socially awkward penguin. She sulks and slouches and scribbles in her notebook. L.J. sits and reads her book. She shows no tension. BLOGGER quietly laughs to himself as he browses a blog on his phone. FACEBOOK is at the board solving a math problem. Then the bell rings. TUMBLR-TAN FINALLY! THAT TOOK FOREVS! GAWD. LETS GET SOME LUNCH YALL!


She strikes a commanding pose and points towards the door. Everyone stares at her. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) You just dont get it. Defeated she shuffles out of the room. And peeks back in. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Coming L.J.? L.J. Yes. EXT. DAY NOON. Rooftop recreation yard of Social Network High The students of Social Network High are scattered around the yard enjoying their lunches and free time. Its a sunny day in the city and the breeze smells like Summer is coming quickly. TUMBLR-TAN is sitting and eating lunch on a bench with LIVE JOURNAL (L.J.) while the boys BLOGGER, YOUTUBE, MYSPACE, and FACEBOOK play soccer. TUMBLR-TAN L.J.? Can I have a bite of that sandwich? L.J. (L.J. Doesnt look up from her book) No. TUMBLR-TAN Why not? Im starving! Im gonna pass out!

L.J. Youre on a diet remember? Picture day is Wednesday. You told me to stop feeding you. TUMBLR-TAN But this is an emergency L.J.! Im gonna pass out and fall and break my neck! And youre gonna cry so hard! L.J. No.


TUMBLR-TAN Boo, you whore! TUMBLR-TAN gets up in a huff and walks away from L.J. And leans onto the chain-link fence looking down at the street. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Im so hungry. I could eat 40 babbies. Heh, babbies. TUMBLR-TAN mimics the babby troll face. She snickers. Down on the street she notices a green man with no face wearing a suit. He seems to be looking up at her. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Green man? Suddenly the man appears on the other side of the fence. Miraculously floating there in front of her. TUMBLR-TAN is speechless. GREEN MAN I have something to tell you Tumblrtan. GREEN MAN leans in close to the fence as if to kiss her through the chain link. TUMBLR-TAN is confused but doesnt pull away. Suddenly TUMBLR-TANs face slams into the fence and GREEN MAN disappears. TUMBLR-TAN OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! TUMBLR-TAN spins around to see a soccer ball at her feet. The boys look over at her sheepishly. BLOGGER especially looks distraught and tries to shy away behind YOUTUBE. TUMBLR-TAN raises a finger and points at him. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) YOU! TUMBLR-TANs face turns into one of pure rage. She plucks her signature T shaped barrette from her hair. The pin gleams in the light. She then picks up the soccer ball and stabs it. All the air pours out. The boys collectively look terrified. TUMBLR-TAN yells and runs after BLOGGER. TUMBLR-TAN (CONTD) Just who the hell are you anyway?! BLOGGER Im Blogger Miss Tumblr-tan!


TUMBLR-TAN Never heard of you! BLOGGER Weve been going to school together for quite a while. Im a senior. TUMBLR-TAN You look like a whimpy freshman. This is what I do to noobs who mess up my hair! TUMBLR-TAN grabs hold of BLOGGER and starts to give him a noogie. BLOGGER has tears streaming down his face and is completely helpless. L.J. Enough. TUMBLR-TAN L.J.? L.J. Let go of him Tumblr-tan. L.J. Stands before them still holding one book in her hand and peering down at it. TUMBLR-TAN Youre no fun. TUMBLR-TAN tosses away BLOGGER. BLOGGER yelps and lands onto L.J. Hes frozen in shock as his head lies in her chest. L.J. shuts her book and smoothly smacks him away with it. Hes launched into the air and lands on the ground a broken mess. YOUTUBE walks up to BLOGGER and tried to comfort him as he lays on the ground. YOUTUBE Dont worry about the ball Blogger. Facebook went to get a new one. But tell me: How was it over there on L.J.s chest? BLOGGER jus