Understanding Each OtherUnderstanding Each Other

The Things They Bring to The Things They Bring to SchoolSchool

Help for Grieving StudentsHelp for Grieving Students

My Life as a Grieving StudentMy Life as a Grieving StudentFour middle school friends showed up.Four middle school friends showed up.None of my teachers ever mentioned my mother’s None of my teachers ever mentioned my mother’s death.death.Most of my teacher’s told me that I wasn’t living up Most of my teacher’s told me that I wasn’t living up to my potential.to my potential.My grades slid. I became “school averse” My grades slid. I became “school averse” (averaged 4days per week my junior year). I (averaged 4days per week my junior year). I withdrew from sports and eventually quit school to withdrew from sports and eventually quit school to “streamline” my education. ACT saved me.“streamline” my education. ACT saved me.My academic struggles lasted from eighth grade My academic struggles lasted from eighth grade through undergrad.through undergrad.

Grieving Students I Have KnownGrieving Students I Have Known

The Friday ClubThe Friday ClubThe girl who kicked and punched her way The girl who kicked and punched her way through fifth gradethrough fifth gradeThe boy whose parents weren’t divorcedThe boy whose parents weren’t divorcedThe girl who saw a suicideThe girl who saw a suicideThe pregnant girlThe pregnant girl

VictimsVictims

Children don’t create their crises. They Children don’t create their crises. They are usually victims.are usually victims.Victims are always in danger of becoming.Victims are always in danger of becoming.– Further VictimizedFurther Victimized– PerpetratorsPerpetrators

Breaking the Cycle is sometimes an issue.Breaking the Cycle is sometimes an issue.

The Stages of GrievingThe Stages of GrievingThe Work of KThe Work of Küübler-Ross on Death and bler-Ross on Death and Dying.Dying.

– As With Many Pioneers - As With Many Pioneers - ControversyControversy

Five Stages:Five Stages:1)1) Shock / DenialShock / Denial2)2) AngerAnger3)3) BargainingBargaining4)4) DepressionDepression5)5) AcceptanceAcceptance

Critique of This TheoryCritique of This Theory

These Ideas about grieving have become These Ideas about grieving have become “mainstream”.“mainstream”.It isn’t set in stone. Although it does have a It isn’t set in stone. Although it does have a “ring of truth”, no theory is perfect.“ring of truth”, no theory is perfect. People move back and forth through the People move back and forth through the stages. Like other schemas these are neither stages. Like other schemas these are neither discreet nor linear. They can be out of order, discreet nor linear. They can be out of order, interactive, overlapping, or even cyclical. interactive, overlapping, or even cyclical. People get “stuck”.People get “stuck”.

Critique ContinuedCritique Continued

Different personalities express their grief Different personalities express their grief differently. differently. Counselors have sometimes misused this Counselors have sometimes misused this theory and process. (“You theory and process. (“You havehave to go to go through all the stages,”)through all the stages,”)WE AREN’T COUNSELORS!!!WE AREN’T COUNSELORS!!!..

Bottom LineBottom Line

You will meet students who are grieving You will meet students who are grieving and they will probably display behaviors and they will probably display behaviors related to one or more of these observable related to one or more of these observable stages.stages.There are things about the structure and There are things about the structure and “distractions” of school that can help, but “distractions” of school that can help, but the converse is also true.the converse is also true.

Denial is Denial is NOTNOT a River in Egypt a River in Egypt

The old joke: “Doctor my brother thinks The old joke: “Doctor my brother thinks he’s a chicken.” he’s a chicken.” – People prolong their denial through lies and People prolong their denial through lies and

family secrets.family secrets.

The girl who saw a suicide.The girl who saw a suicide.

DenialDenial

The pregnant girlThe pregnant girl– Her familyHer family– Her schoolHer school– Her churchHer church– How she planned to “break the pattern”How she planned to “break the pattern”

AngerAnger

The girl who punched and kicked her way The girl who punched and kicked her way through schoolthrough school

Depression Depression

The boy whose parents weren’t divorcedThe boy whose parents weren’t divorced

Some Behavioral IndicatorsSome Behavioral IndicatorsNational Mental Health Assn.National Mental Health Assn.

SadnessSadnessProfound Emotional ReactionsProfound Emotional Reactions– Anxiety attacksAnxiety attacks– Chronic fatigueChronic fatigue– Self destructive behaviorSelf destructive behavior

Displays of AngerDisplays of AngerConfusionConfusionBoisterous PlayBoisterous Play

Some Behavioral IndicatorsSome Behavioral IndicatorsNational Mental Health Assn.National Mental Health Assn.

Changes in sleepChanges in sleepProlonged or profound fearProlonged or profound fearWithdrawalWithdrawalSharp drop in school performanceSharp drop in school performanceLoss of concentration irritabilityLoss of concentration irritabilitySchool aversionSchool aversion

Some Behavioral IndicatorsSome Behavioral IndicatorsNational Mental Health Assn.National Mental Health Assn.

Reverting to younger behaviorsReverting to younger behaviorsFrequent physical complaintsFrequent physical complaintsFixations Fixations – DeathDeath– Self-loathingSelf-loathing– Sexual acting outSexual acting out– Obsessive/ Compulsive behaviorsObsessive/ Compulsive behaviors

Other IndicatorsOther IndicatorsB. Perseghetti: “Schooling in Light of Disaster”B. Perseghetti: “Schooling in Light of Disaster”

In Young ChildrenIn Young Children– CryingCrying– ““Clinginess”Clinginess”– Toilet ProblemsToilet Problems– Fantasy ThinkingFantasy ThinkingIn AdolescentsIn Adolescents– WithdrawalWithdrawal– Sleep ProblemsSleep Problems– Eating ProblemsEating Problems

Enough Already! Enough Already! How can we help?How can we help?

First and foremost: First and foremost: UNDERSTAND.UNDERSTAND. See it for See it for what it is.what it is.– Some grief is just bigger than school. Way Bigger! Some grief is just bigger than school. Way Bigger! – This doesn’t mean we let them abandon school.This doesn’t mean we let them abandon school.– But, it means that we But, it means that we must notmust not let school abandon let school abandon

them!them!

Is It Really My Job to do Grief Is It Really My Job to do Grief Counseling at SchoolCounseling at School

Not exactly – You are there to teach as Not exactly – You are there to teach as effectively as possible…..But …effectively as possible…..But …Do you want it from Maslow or James?Do you want it from Maslow or James?

Some Suggestions for UnderstandingSome Suggestions for UnderstandingNational Mental Health Assn. (and me)National Mental Health Assn. (and me)

Show up. Don’t be silent. It doesn’t help. Show up. Don’t be silent. It doesn’t help. Be real. Help lessen confusion.Be real. Help lessen confusion.– Don’t encourage denial or false comfort.Don’t encourage denial or false comfort.– It is what it is.It is what it is.

Listen without fear of your own. Let them say Listen without fear of your own. Let them say what they really feel (anger and all).what they really feel (anger and all).Be patient. Grief repeats itself. Be patient. Grief repeats itself. – The stages will overlap, cycle, repeat, be tied to The stages will overlap, cycle, repeat, be tied to

“seasons” and anniversaries, and vary in length.“seasons” and anniversaries, and vary in length.

Some Suggestions for UnderstandingSome Suggestions for UnderstandingNational Mental Health Assn.National Mental Health Assn.

Understand the language of grief.Understand the language of grief.– It can be physical.It can be physical.– It can be symbolic.It can be symbolic.– It is often somewhat unnatural in school.It is often somewhat unnatural in school.Students need choices. Everyone needs Students need choices. Everyone needs empowerment to overcome the feeling of empowerment to overcome the feeling of hopelessness. Help them find an outlet.hopelessness. Help them find an outlet.Grieving students do not need to be told that Grieving students do not need to be told that they are not “living up to their potential” They they are not “living up to their potential” They know it.know it.

Some Suggestions for UnderstandingSome Suggestions for UnderstandingNational Mental Health Assn.National Mental Health Assn.

Children and adolescents live in a context Children and adolescents live in a context of family and friends, school and home.of family and friends, school and home.– To help them you often need to enter the To help them you often need to enter the

context of their lives if you can.context of their lives if you can.– Perhaps you will help their family.Perhaps you will help their family.– Perhaps you will help their friends.Perhaps you will help their friends.

Added Feature: Diane was diagnosed with Added Feature: Diane was diagnosed with Leukemia in second grade. She is 21 this year.Leukemia in second grade. She is 21 this year.

The FamilyThe Family

“ “I did a lot of I did a lot of drawing when I drawing when I was sick. It took was sick. It took my mind off the my mind off the bad things and bad things and made me feel made me feel better looking at better looking at my pictures.”my pictures.”

“ “When I had to When I had to wear a mask I wear a mask I couldn’t breath couldn’t breath very well. And very well. And at home when at home when other people in other people in the family went the family went places and I places and I couldn’t, I felt couldn’t, I felt mad mad sometimes.”sometimes.”

““Shots are Shots are scary and they scary and they hurt a lot at hurt a lot at first. I got used first. I got used to them after a to them after a while.”while.”

““Losing my hair Losing my hair was hard was hard because some because some people thought I people thought I looked like a looked like a boy. I couldn’t boy. I couldn’t put it up in a put it up in a pony tail pony tail anymore.”anymore.”

Some Suggestions for HelpingSome Suggestions for HelpingTLC Group, Dallas TexasTLC Group, Dallas Texas

Help them to TEAR.Help them to TEAR.– T = To accept the reality of the lossT = To accept the reality of the loss– E = Experience the pain of the lossE = Experience the pain of the loss– A = Adjust to life without the lost person or A = Adjust to life without the lost person or

thing thing– R = Reinvest in the new realityR = Reinvest in the new reality

Helping StrategiesHelping StrategiesGive them your time and attention.Give them your time and attention.– Be a listenerBe a listenerFocus on helping them function.Focus on helping them function.– Suggest strategiesSuggest strategies– LovingLoving accountability accountabilityAdvocate for them. Advocate for them. – Not everyone will understandNot everyone will understandSurround them with other helpers.Surround them with other helpers.Don’t let them “fade away”.Don’t let them “fade away”.

www.stevedegeorge.weebly.com

Resources:griefnet.orgNmha.orgHomeless to Harvard – Movie about Liz Murray