Change my style yo

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher

Change My Style Yo

Acknowledgement: Thank you Jilda, Novi-Ann, Zoundria, Lisa-Ann,Lauren, Danique, the whole of the class 3-4 from the period2008-2009, those from 3-1 that wrote poems in the school yearbook, my loving parents, GOD and my teachers and

others at Campion College who just help me to have a evenmore messed up life with each day I go to school. Thank youall. Oh yeah, thank you Jhanelle, I am always going toremember you always going on and on about ADVANCEDchemistry when I barely understood the basics, I love you.

Just as how Rebecca needed you, I needed you but in a differentway. I didn’t need your help or your pity, what I needed from you wasfor you to be there and tell me I was doing okay. That’s all I ever

needed from you.” Natasja felt her jaws drop open in surprise and shehad good reason to, Brenda needed no one, she was strong,determined and un-self-conscious. “You are kidding me, right?” “No, Iam not, you might not realize it but the way you were before was goodenough for everyone around you. You were the only one who felt youneeded to change; we loved you for being you and helping out peopleand having your little sarcastic humor. It was you.” Natasja felt adifferent type of sadness, a nicer kind of sadness, if that were evenpossible. She was sad because she was sorry she didn’t see that shewas okay.

Before either of them could think of something else that needed

to be said, they hugged like two sailors finding shore after a terriblestorm. They sat there at the table, weeping in each other’s arms. Thecoast was clear.

“So what are you going to do?” Brenda asked as they walked outof Yamane Center together. Natasja felt dazed as though too manythings were happening in too little time and her brain wasn’t able tocope with the data. “What do you mean?” Brenda looked at hersternly, the sensible, reliable friend back where she belonged. Natasjasmiled, the sun no longer shone brightly on her face, she had tocorrect a few mishaps. “I’m not sure how things are going to go withme but I have this friend that you may know and she needs megreatly,” she remarked slyly with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.She wasn’t dead yet. Brenda smiled knowingly, “Then what are youwaiting for?” Natasja really didn’t know.

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February 6, 2009- commence

PART 1- Old Habits Die HardChange my style, Change my life.Change can happen easily but can you change

back?Chapter 1

I kept thinking, was there ever going to be someone for me whenI grow up, is there a place for me. Will I be happy when I grow older? Ireally don’t know. I am sadly one of the few girls who don’t dream of themselves in this big fantasy wedding if I ever thought of myself marrying. I felt afraid because not everyone finds a happy ending or asunset in the wilderness. I want to be happy. I want a family, a lovinghusband, children who will love being a part of the family and be good people. I want so much, yet I don’t know if that will be my future.

I want a good job, where I make more than enough to support my family. I want all of these things; but is it possible?

Some people get so lucky yet others have it extremely hard. I

don’t have a clue who I truly am but I know I want to be happy. I want to care for people; I want to feel love, belonging, stability, and people.I want everything life has to offer but I am afraid I am being toogreedy. I sometimes feel I have to eliminate some in order to get theothers. The thing was: which do I keep and which do I sacrifice?

Natasja wrote down everything she felt. It was hard, emotionsshe was trying to avoid, even from herself, just escaping into theendless pages of her diary. Natasja didn’t know what exactly promptedher to write about her future like that; maybe it was Valentine’s Dayand the fact that she was fourteen and didn’t have a boyfriend. It wasawkward, everyone around her seemed to have that special someone,

and she had no one. Her life revolved around novels and without it, shewas lost.

Head held back she closed her eyes and longingly picturedeverything she wanted but saw nothing that she did have. It was adream. Or was it?Looking up into the ceiling of her room, book in handit came to her. Rather than could I have this? Could I have that ? whynot how could I get it ?

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Rolling over on her soft pink covered bed she opened her darkpurple and black knapsack, searching for her Geography notebook.Geography was her worst subject, always had been, even when shedidn’t know she was doing it. Back then it was Social Studies which inhigh school Natasja realized was a mixture of History and Geography.

Normally, she would not have paid attention to Geo at all butScience was getting too deep into Geo with all the Rock and mineralcrap and then soil. Reading all the notes she had bothered to take inclass, she was able to break down the different rock groups by the waythe rock was formed. Igneous was directly linked to intrusive andextrusive, sedimentary was chemically, organic and something elsethat was illegible.

Stretching over her book, Natasja searched her bag for a bubblegum; she couldn’t survive without chewing something. Popping a pieceof the Bubblicious into her mouth she tried to concentrate. By herbedtime she had successful read over all her notes on rocks and

minerals. Tomorrow she decided that she was going to make a datewith the library to look up Earthquakes.

Coming out of her miniature bedroom with its blue and whitestars, she went to get ready for bed. Natasja brushed her teeth twiceas carefully as was normal, she had been experiencing some pain inone of her bottom teeth. Afterwards, she took a shower with her Suaveblueberry body wash and went to her room, closing the door behindher. She didn’t wash her face because she had eczema problems andshe didn’t want to risk any rashes.

In her room Natasja bent down over her bed with her handsclasped together. Thanking Jesus for everything he’d done for her that

day, Natasja prayed he would continue to bless and guide and protecther family. Natasja prayed for Jamaica, for those without the basicnecessities and especially those without a loved one. Getting upNatasja turned on her fan on medium, turned off the lights andwrapped up in the cover sheet. She slept.

In dream world Natasja saw herself as a lawyer. She wassuccessful; people liked her for who she was even though she was alittle bitchy at times. A handsome guy with lovely eyes - they lookedgentle and intriguing, a confident attitude, romantic and kind spirited,was head over heels in-love with her. They traveled together, he wassuccessful and all that. They had a lovely home, lots of close friends,and three children and yet they were still young. It was the perfect,ultimate dream in Natasja’s opinion and she slept with a smilesoftening her face.

The next day, her foster father woke her up at five o’clock in themorning to get ready for school. Stretching her arms and legs indifferent directions and yawning, Natasja kicked and wiggled out of thesheets. Rolling out of bed she almost rolled her fan, which was beside

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her bed, over. Taking off her nightcap she threw it on her dresser andwalked disoriented out of her bedroom door that was half filled withthe iron board that Mrs. Sinclair was using. Her room was a dangerzone with a lot of obstacles to pass before you were able to get out.

Natasja got ready for another day of school at Broderick

Academy. She brushed her teeth, ate two Kellogg’s chocolate chipswaffles, scrambled eggs and an orange, laid down while Natalie, herfoster sister, took a quick bath and etc. Natasja’s daily routine was longand tiring. She left the house at seven o’clock.

The sun blazed like an old time stove and sadly, Natasja was thecoal. Cupping her face with her hands, she gazed at mountains thatalways seemed to be there, not matter her destination. That was oneof the best things about Jamaica, the mountains.

It seemed like they,she and her foster dad , were late becausethe traffic reached as far as the entrance of her community. By thetime Natasja reached the toll way, she was in a trance, not awake but

not asleep. “Tahj, lie down on the seat if you want to sleep.” Followingcommands as was her usual, she slept the rest of the journey through.

Mr. Sinclair called her name repeatedly to wake her up but heneedn’t have bothered. The roads leading to Natasja’s school, to saythe least, were cowboy tracks. The car had jumped, dipped, swung andeverything in-between. Packing her bag, she jumped out of the car inthe parking lot at the front of Broderick.

After saying her goodbyes and telling him when to pick her up,Natasja walked to class. Broderick looked like an acceptable school if she just looked at the view from here but behind every picture was theugly reality. When she passed the teachers parking lot, the truth was

revealed. Pebbles, the area at the front of the school with benchesused as the waiting area, had become a dust bowl with the migrationof its rounded partners to the garbage bin.. Hellshire or Arawak Village,a name also given to a waiting area by its occupants, had litter in-between its tables and on the ground. In the classrooms, well, theplace couldn’t have looked worse if a bomb had just exploded inside it.

As Natasja entered her class she was welcomed by the usualsounds of gossiping girls, and music playing. Tatiana and her group of snobs were at the teacher’s table singing some of the latest songs, inthe worst possible tones Natasja had ever heard. Jessica and herbigger group were talking about clothes, guys and whatever else thatinterested them. They were the smart ones, so Natasja didn’t mindthem, too much. Xing-Fu was acting like a homo as usual by doingeverything a straight guy was never supposed to do. The unbelievablething was that he was an utter and complete lady’s man and even herheart fluttered sometimes.

Putting down her bag on her desk, Natasja greeted Zhane andRebecca and went to her locker to check her timetable. It was

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Tuesday; so, she had Form-time, French, Science and then Geo. Frenchwas the only up side to all of the other crappy sessions. Natasja lovedlanguages; it was music to her ears. Taking out the required books ascarefully as possible without causing a minor avalanche, she thenquickly shut her locker door. Natasja went back to her seat and read

Skinned, a book she had borrowed from Zhane.In Form-time, Mr. Quotes was giving the class valuable life

advice. It was so interesting that most of the class magicallydisappeared before the start of the session and others just ignored thelesson completely to do anything else but listen. Natasja listenedpartially while she continued reading the novel; it was futuristic butsort of interesting. When the class ended, the remainder of the classmagically reappeared to get their things for the next class,French/Technical Drawing.

Natasja’s class had thirty nine students and she was use to theboisterous chaos which was a usual occurrence in her class but French

was mellow with less than twenty students. It was calm, organized andtotally boring but it was French, so she dealt with it. Natasja would livewith anything once it helped her learn more languages; it was herheart and soul.

After two very tiresome sessions of Geography and Science,Natasja took her mp4, because she couldn’t afford anything better,and her Geo notebook to the library. Playing Trey Songz WonderWoman, she went into the book section and took out a Geo book thatlooked useful enough. Opening it, Natasja scanned through the table of contents looking for Earthquakes. Finding it she turned to the specifiedpage and read the chapter repeatedly, making notes occasionally.

Hearing the bell, Natasja replaced the book on the shelf and tookher belongings and went back to class. Mathematics and History werenext and she needed to be on time or she would be kicked out. Trotting her way to class, Natasja prayed silently for Mr. Raymond tobe late. By the time she reached the class, she was thoroughly wipedof all her breath. Happily, sir wasn’t there yet and the class was still asufficiently noisy hellhole; she was at peace.

Moving through the maze of desks scattered around the class,Natasja took her books out of her locker and headed back to her desk.Sitting down in her chair and beckoning to Rebecca, Mr. Raymondmade his presence known at the back of the class. “Pick up the litteroff the ground, you are not in kindergarten.”

Everyone stood up; hiding all the music devices that they hadpreviously been listening to. Popping a gum into her mouth, before herteacher could see it, Natasja bent down to remove the old gum fromher mouth and then carry it to the garbage. Math was hell, butsatisfying and she really liked it, so she tried to concentrate on beingfocused and decent.

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Mr. Raymond was a dark skinned, middle aged man with a shinyhead and stuffy in build. He wore a faded-out sky blue bush jacket witha black cheap pants and black shoes. His teeth were horrific andsomehow Natasja always seemed to pray she would never have suchteeth, ever. He also had a bulbous nose but Natasja had seen much

worse. He was funny and nice but a strict teacher with his own viewson everything.

We did Quadratic equations in class that day. Mr. Raymondbegan the lesson with factorization and gradually went into ‘the meatof the matter’ as he affectionately called it. It was an easy topic.Natasja had already done it in extras last term at school but she didn’tshow off her prowess. The class was only thirty-five minutes and shewas sad when it had ended.

At the end of class he told us something that made Natasja feellike something was breaking inside her. He was saying who had actualtalent in Mathematics. I knew that for the boys Sheldon had to be

included, his benchmark was one hundred percent. For the girlsNatasja had a tiny flicker of hope that he would say her name but no,her name hadn’t been called. It really shouldn’t have hurt; it was notlike she had tried all along. She‘d only started to try that very year butshe had tried hard, worked hard. Somehow the 95 percent didn’tmatter to her anymore, she just needed to hear she was good and noone said it.

For the rest of the day, Natasja was caught up in her own self-misery. Trying to get herself under control, she promised herself shewould not care what anyone said or thought. It was her life and shehated feeling wretched emotions. She was tired of trying and not

feeling like it counted. She had thought that passing would have beenall she needed but it seemed it was not.

Heading to chess club, she thought of all the lovely things in theworld and it helped to smooth the ragged edges of her nerves. Chesswas not her strong suit and she had never won but this time she tried,and tried still harder and harder and that seemed to make thedifference. She won the game, it took two hours but she had won.Smiling happily at her opponent, who so happened to be her classmateRamon, a half Chinese, half black genius with a gentle personality,Natasja left.

The next day, Natasja got ready with a smile on her face. Shehad forgotten to write in her diary the day before so she wrote it in thecar. Yesterday evening at home, she had done three sets of ten pull-ups and jogged around the community. From now on, she was NatasjaNicosia Cassia and no one had the right to call her anything else.

At school, the first thing she did was go to the office to changeher records. Natasja removed Sinclair completely from her name; shewas a Cassia and nobody else. Afterwards she went to class where she

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changed her name again on the cleaning roster. She had duty on Thursday. She would not change herself because of circumstances; shewould always be Natasja, the daughter of a prostitute, druggie, atattoo junkie and suicidal mother and a father who abandoned herwhen she was nine years old. That was her history and everybody had

better believe it.Natasja didn’t bother to read anything in class, there were so

many things she could be doing. Heading to her locker she cleaned itthoroughly, messiness was no longer her style. When she was finishedshe headed next door to talk to Brenda and her crew.

Brenda was cool. She had a sweet personality; she was quiet,tom boyish, smart, and nerdish without the glasses and didn’t carehow she looked. She had long fuzzy brown hair that reachedsomewhere in her back naturally but she’d cut and straightened it forpicture day to shoulder length. She was seriously beautiful. It was thebest Brenda had ever done to hair since she’d met her in prep school

11 years ago.“Bre, how is Edward?” Brenda was reading Twilight like everyone

else. Natasja had read the first book and fallen in love with Edward, thevampire. Taylor turned around, “Hi Tahj, Cullen is still hot but it seemshe is going to marry Bella.” Natasja replied theatrically, “No, he is myheart, my soul; I don’t know how he could betray me, so.” A tear sliddown her face with the dramatic response. Brenda, Taylor and Kashalaughed, “Whatever, why don’t you read the second book?” That wasBrenda; she always seemed to want Natasja to read. “I told youalready, I am gonna watch the movie.”

Natasja popped a gum into her mouth. Taylor was writing

something in Chinese. Taylor was Asian with long black hair that wasramrod straight. It was currently cut to a little below shoulder length.Long hair in Jamaica was totally wrong; everyone with long hair knewthat. Naturally long hair that is, people with extensions were just beingboring. Taylor was short and slim with a sweet voice. She was kind andextremely smart; she was always first in her class.

“What are you writing now, Tai Tai?” Taylor looked up at Natasjamomentarily and then looked back at her work. “I am writing hellohao,” she said pointing out the symbols to Natasja. “What is thatsymbol over there, the one that looks like an S with a stick in it?” Theytalked until the bell rang and I went to my class. Chinese might nothave as many grammar irregularities as European languages but therewas too much drawing.

Fourth form was harsh; Natasja’s history teacher Ms. Falcon wasstressing the importance of the SBA’s. ‘You absolutely needed them todo CXCs’ was her constant reminder, even though we didn’t have towrite SBA’s until next term. She didn’t teach; it was our job to study.Natasja soon realized that the teachers weren’t teaching anything,

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they weren’t even enforcing the rules, all they said was, “We are justwaiting, observing and waiting. Don’t mind me?” It was cryptic, it wasweird and normally Natasja would have looked into it but she hadchanged.

Natasja studied, she would not risk failing any subject but she

slacked off, became looser. She didn’t pay attention in class, alwaystalking to Tatiana about the latest songs. They weren’t exactly friendssince they’d only started talking about a week ago. They had a lot of things in common and both of them had a majorcrush on Trey Songz. Tatiana cheated off Natasja’s work sometimesbut who actually cared.

She was talking less and less to Zhane but she tried to stayfriends with Rebecca. “Becca, you watched Mall Cop?” That was theonly thing that popped up in Natasja’s mind. Everyone knew that shewas changing but hopefully she didn’t have to lose Becca, she was niceand so naïve. Rebecca didn’t reply; she just ignored her. Rolling her

eyes, Natasja stopped talking to her and just hung out with Tatiana’sand Brenda’s crews.

Leaving class at first break, alone, she decided to go to thelibrary to read something. While passing the seating area in front of the field she was stopped by a guy stepping out in front of her. Lookingup at the guy, Natasja thought she should run. He looked like a badguy, maybe a criminal. Gulping down to clear her throat she licked herlips. Natasja made an attempt to side step him. He blocked her. Trying again he blocked her. Letting out a frustrated breath, shelooked up at him. “Glad to have your attention.”

His voice was low, deep, resonating through Natasja’s mind.

Licking her lips again but this time for a totally different reason, he wasgood-looking. He was smiling slightly and it brought a light to his face.He was tall, maybe six feet with broad shoulders behind the whiteshirt. He had golden brown skin, a light mustache, thick lips, a straightnose, and a thin scar under his bottom lip. His teeth were sparklingwhite and it contrasted with his golden skin. His eyes were blackfathomless depths that pulled Natasja in.

“Why do you want my attention?” Natasja barely opened hermouth as she gave her comment. He was in sixth form that wasobvious. He was wearing a crisp white shirt with a Gelding badgepinned on to the pocket; that meant he was in purple house. The smileremained on his face as he drew her over to a seat. They sat and hereplied, “I am Sean Bennett, what is your name?” Ignoring the last partNatasja asked instead, “What do you want?”

After that everything became a focused blur. Natasja heard hisreply, understood its meaning but it just didn’t hit home. “Do you wantto be my Valentine?” Her brain stuttered to form an answer, “You don’teven know my name.” He grinned, “I already asked, you didn’t reply.

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Do you want to enlighten me now?” She knew she was playing withfire, she would be an ignorant fool not to know, but she couldn’t help it;she was like a moth to a flame.

Sean was too enticing, “Just like in the fairy tale, you figure outmy name, your wish is my command.” Standing up to leave, he pulled

on my arm and I almost fell into his lap but instead fell back on theseat. He leaned over and asked playfully, “What fairy tale would thatbe, princess?” Natasja smiled wickedly, “The name eludes me and bythe way, I am no princess.” She saw the gleam that appeared in hiseyes and felt like a millionaire. Walking away, a permanent smileilluminated her face.

In the library, she found that she couldn’t read the German bookin front of her and instead wrote about the day so far. It was a mostfabulous day with the exception of Rebecca but hopefully she wouldsoon forget her.

The following days were great. She actually listened in class,

asking questions, making jokes and just being happy. Her classmateshesitated with talking to her but they soon all talked to her. It wasextremely fun, Sean would probably forget her but he made her feelnice. Natasja didn’t even remember to look at Rebecca or Zhane. Shehanged with her peeps and they hanged with theirs.

Senorita Martinez was absent and everyone was happy, theycould do whatever they wanted for their free session. They all wantedto leave but some lady with ancient hair and bags of skin supervisedclass. When the bell chimed everyone was too happy to ditch her.Natasja rushed out the door and was caught by a restraining arm.

Looking up at the owner of such a warm, muscular arm she met

dark amusing eyes. Rolling her eyes, she stepped back. “Aren’t you ina mighty rush Tasjna?” Smiling with triumph, Natasja walked away inthe opposite direction, he remembered her. Catching up with her, Seanlooked perplexed, “Why are you walking away?” Natasja bent her headsideways at an angle looking up at Sean. “You missed, what else isthere to say?” “I didn’t miss, princess, it was your mother’s name. Youname is Natasja. It is a sexy name.”

Smiling slightly Natasja replied, “So, I guess you want one wish?”She didn’t mention that her mother was gone, after all, who reallycared? He smiled, “Yeah, you want to have lunch?” Natasja thoughtabout it, long lunch lines, crowded canteens or an empty library withpeace and quiet. “Sorry, I don’t eat at first break, reign check though.”His expression didn’t change as he thought something out. She wishedshe knew what he was thinking. “I don’t mind, come on, you can watchme eat.”

Rolling her eyes, she followed him to the back entrance of theauditorium that hardly anyone used. He sat down on the steps whereno one could see him because of the cement railing. He took a

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sandwich and orange juice out of his blue Jan sport knapsack. Natasjacouldn’t help but stare at his lips as he chewed; which was so wrong.Picking up his orange juice without his permission she used it toswallow her bubble gum. “Don’t finish it.”

Natasja didn’t even blink at that remark, she hated following

orders. Sadly, she didn’t really like orange juice and placed it by hisside. Popping a new gum in her mouth she took Sean’s phone from hisbag and attached the headset. Plugging it into her ears as she closedher eyes; she tuned out reality. She listened to Snoop Dogg’s SensualSeduction even though it was old.

Natasja opened her eye as she felt Sean’s hands on the sides of her face. He took the earpieces out of her ears and back into his bagwith his phone. “You really should ask before you take something.” Hesaid with a gleam in his eyes. Natasja couldn’t decipher his mood soanswered playfully, “I should, shouldn’t I?”He pushed her to the ground as he took her lips in his. The kiss was

hard and brutal and thrilling and then the pressure lessened and it wassweet torture. That was the beginning of a Natasja, the third edition.

Freak of NatureIt is time you opened your eyes, and see the

seeds you have sown come to life.Chapter 2

A month was a long time, Natasja realized. It was enough timefor her to lose her identity, to lose who she really was. Her grades hadfallen badly, her friends were no longer very friendly and who couldblame them. She needed to dump Sean, dump him while she hadsomething, and dump him before it was too late.

She had just gotten her mid-term report from the Fourth FormSupervisor and hers came with a letter. Opening the report, Natasja

nearly screamed hysterically from utter disbelief. She had a Passingaverage which meant that she had a sixty average. Sitting down in herseat, she looked at her grades, she was flunking French the most witha 34% average, the rest weren’t much better. She had one high grade,a seventy in Geography. It seemed her effort earlier was the only thingkeeping her in the school.

Natasja went to the bathroom to read the letter. The principalsigned it, how sweet. It wrote that if Natasja wished to remain at

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Broderick she would need to do an exam on everything from first tofourth form, if she failed, she would be kicked out. The exam would bein two weeks. Crying softly, she wondered what to do next.

Natasja tried to think of a way to avoid Sean. The best she coulddo was fake an illness. Going to the nurse, she lied about having a

running belly. She blamed it on eating too much cereal when she wasallergic to it. The nurse bought it and Natasja was dismissed for theday. Giving the note to her form supervisor she went to the library, inthe reading section so that she could bide her time until Mr. Sinclaircame. She had 5 hours to go, school ended at 3 o’clock.

Reading a book about Ireland, she lost track of time. Natasjasoon fell asleep dreaming about the magic of the Mystic Isle. A softtap on the shoulder announced that she wasn’t alone along withwaking her up. Turning her sleepy head to look at the person who haddisturbed her, she saw Joshua. Closing her eyes and counting to tenshe opened her eyes to still see Sean’s friend sitting beside her.

“What are you doing here?” spat Natasja in a sluggish; sleepridden voice. Joshua directed her eyes to the table where a book wasopened before him. “How long have you been here?” He seemed toconsider the question thoughtfully. He looked at her as though it werea stupid question and then answered, “I have been here for 4 years,and I came in second form. Didn’t Sean tell you?”

Royally annoyed; Natasja rephrased the question afterblundering, “You transferred? Um, I meant, how long have you beensitting there?” Joshua shrugged in a nonchalant fashion.“Don’t look like that, you are freaking me out.” He said seriously asNatasja’s eyes glowered at him.

“Sean doesn’t know I am in here, does he?” Natasja seriouslydid not want to be anywhere close to him right now or anyone else forthat matter. Joshua didn’t reply, he was looking at her strangely nowand she didn’t like it. “Will you leave, please?” It was not a question,she wanted him gone, right that instant. He ignored her.

“What happened to you?” he asked instead. Somehow she knewhe wasn’t asking about today but she didn’t know precisely when.“What are you talking about?” Natasja looked down at the Ireland bookas though she was reading it but she was just avoiding his gaze. “Whydid you have to date Sean, you were okay before him, weren’t you?”She looked up then to see pain flickering in his eyes. Tears blurred hervision but she didn’t let them fall, she was not weak. “I liked him, Iwanted him, I tried to keep him.” Partial lie, who cared? She hadn’tliked the dude, she had liked how he made her feel, awesome.

Joshua’s eyes were filled with disgust and Natasja felt a thousandtimes worse. Her friends had cursed her, her parents had cursed herand even her teachers had cursed her but she’d just blocked them out.Why couldn’t she do the same with Joshua? “He kept you, are you that

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foolish? I bet you didn’t know him before he talked to you. You were just being an idle idiot when you gave the nigga the time of day.” There was no gentleness in Joshua’s demeanor; he was rock solid, firmin his opinion, and firm in his judgment.

The tears escaped and she tried to hide them by bending her

head. He wouldn’t stop, “You didn’t know the first thing about the guybut you let him walk all over you. You should know better than that. Iseriously thought you had brains, you seemed smart to me but I guessI was wrong. You’re gonna realize the guy is bad news, I just hope it isbefore he ruins you.”

The tears fell in the masses. Joshua stood up and was about toleave, and Natasja tried to tell herself that it was good. Let him believethe worse, it didn’t matter. She didn’t know why she said it but… “Healready did.” The statement was low, whisper soft, maybe he didn’thear but he stopped and he turned, looking directly at her. “What didyou say?” he asked slowly. Natasja moistened her lips and looked up at

him. Through clenched teeth she repeated the statement. He bentover the table, “What do you mean by that?” She threw the report andletter at him. “You were right but just a little too late.”

Joshua read the letter first and looked, disbelievingly back at her.Natasja smiled and indicated for him to go on. The smile was fake, herlife was about to crumble and she did not have the will power to wantto fix it. He scanned the report, “I thought Sean said something aboutyou being the best at languages.” She pursed her lip, wondering howto reply to that, “Let me just say that things change and sometimes,not for the best.”

Sitting back down on the seat he’d not long ago vacated he said,

“You have to do well on the exams, Natasja” Rolling her eyes, shepopped a gum in her mouth, “I don’t follow orders very well, I don’thave to do anything.” Joshua didn’t even dignify the remark with ananswer; he just continued as though she had not spoken a word, “Youalso have to dump Sean, he can only destroy you.”

“I don’t understand, I thought you and Sean were best of buddies. What, is he cheating on me with one of your girlfriends?What? Why are you suddenly helping me?” Joshua didn’t back off andwalk away like Natasja had thought he would; hoped he would. Hestayed, thoughtful for a second, pain, anger and something else lurkingin his eyes, all trying to break his barriers. “Shut up and listen to me,Sean is bad news; he is not the kind of guy you need, especially notnow!”

“Are you saying that I need you? If I remember correctly, I did noask you for anything. I actually want you to leave me the hell alone sothat I can deal with this, myself.” Standing up once again in a swiftmovement, Natasja didn’t register that he was coming towards her.

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“The guy is a criminal, a druggie, a thief and a lot more. Tahj, I ambegging you to listen. Please listen, don’t be foolish.”

Natasja saw Joshua in that moment. Before, Natasja had justnoticed him, thought of him as Sean friend and now her tormentor.When he begged her, she heard the crack in his voice, the taut lines

that formed on his face and the worry and pain in his eyes. That painbroke down all her barriers and she just felt to hug him but barelyrestrained herself.

Trying to think of a diplomatic way of asking him, she just burstout, “What did Sean do to you?” Joshua stepped back as though theremark burned. His jaw twitched but he remained silent. The minutesticked by with neither of them moving. “I worked with him, we used tosteal together. I just did minor things, like stealing from people aroundschool and stuff.

“He did much more, he stole, he deceived, he…” Natasja sawthat he couldn’t say it and didn’t push him, instead she said, “I am

going to dump him, I am just wandering if you’ll help me to study forthis test when I am done.” She pointed to the letter he’d thrown downon the paper.

They talked the rest of the school day through, studied, Joshuawent back to class occasionally and they had fun. Natasja needed toget all the notes she was missing but in the meantime she studieddirectly from textbooks. Joshua quizzed her randomly, asking herquestions she couldn’t even begin to comprehend and by the end of the day her mood was restored.

They parted company at three o’clock when the bell rang for theend of school. In the car ride to Mrs. Sinclair’s work place, Natasha felt

frozen, unable to express what she needed to say. Breathing wasextremely hard so she focused on that instead. The harder she focusedthe more ragged her breathing became until she couldn’t take itanymore. “I failed mid-term; I have to take a test to see if I will remainat Broderick.” There, everything was out but her breathing was stillirregular.

There was an awkward silence as Mr. Sinclair thought of a way toproceed. Natalie was at Blake-Golding High doing volleyball. The schoolhardly ever won a sports competition but they were smart, just likeBroderick. Throwing away her old gum, Natasja popped another one inher mouth. She combed her hand through her braids as she thought of what to do. Taking out her diary out of her bag, she wrote how the dayhad gone so far.

“This is why I am hot, this is why I am hot, this is why, this is why….” Natasja cell phone began to ring Mim’s song ‘This is Why I’m Hot’.Checking the caller ID, Natasja picked it up. “Natsy bear, where areyou?” Recoiling at the deep tone, Natasja clenched her teeth, “I am onmy way to my mom’s place, see you when I see you.” There was a

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pause over the phone line, where Natasja wondered what the hell shewas thinking; she was still his girlfriend. “I think you mean, see youtomorrow, actually tonight; I’ll pick you up at your house.” With that,the phone line went dead.

Gulping down her gum without thought, she almost choked.

Coughing and coughing the gum finally came back up; with blood.Natasja tried to ignore the warning that the blood indicated, she wouldmeet Sean one last time and finally break free of his restraining arms. Throwing the gum away with the rest of the pack, she listened to herMp4 as it played My Immortal.

At home, Natasja called Jessica to get her missing assignments.“Jess? This feels really awkward but I am trying here. I need to get myhead back in the game. Can you help me?” Jessica went off on a tiradeabout how she was not going to cheat and all that. Coughing gentlyinto the phone, Natasja rephrased, “Jess, I am not the cheating type; I just need to know what the homework was and if I could copy your

notes. I really need them-” The phone fell to the ground as Natasja saw Sean at her window.

He used to do it all the time before; but now, it seemed wrong. “Aren’tyou a little bit early?” Normally, he came at around ten o’clock whenmy foster parents were getting ready for bed or already dead to theworld. It was only seven o’clock. “Natsy bear, I haven’t seen you allday, let’s go to the movies.”

Thinking it over in her head, she edged, “What about dinnersomewhere instead?” His smile was dangerously sexy and Natasja hadto mentally go over her report to keep her breathing steady. “Sure, wecan go to burger king, down the road.” Comfortable with that plan, she

picked up the receiver and put it on the hook since Jessica had hungup.

In the car, Natasja didn’t know how to feel or what to say. Shewas deathly angry at him for practically destroying her academicallyand being the reason she’d changed but there was another part of herthat was still entranced by him, still attracted to him; it was awkward.

Fidgeting because she had nothing better to do, like chewing agum, she opened random compartments. She didn’t actually look atthe things inside, though. “Want to tell me what is on you mind, Natsybear?” His deep, low voice was nearly her undoing but the endearmenthardened her. Natasja absolutely hated the endearment; she’d alwayswondered why he didn’t call her something sexy or flattering. “I wantus to break up.” The statement was softly spoken but loud enough forhim to hear.

Natasja looked across at him, he looked dark, intriguing, sexy butmore to the point, lethal. His face was hard; she knew he’d heard her,the facial expression proved it. Looking outside, Natasja realized he’dmade a wrong turn. On television, it was always a bad sign. They were

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headed Hellshire way. The place was dark out already since winterhadn’t deigned to give spring a chance to brighten the place.

Sitting down composedly, Natasja didn’t point out that they wereheaded in the wrong direction; Sean knew. This journey had to endsomewhere and she would wait for it. The car was deathly quiet; no

music was playing, and no talking to ease it. Sean made another turn,Natasja realized he was not going to Hellshire, she didn’t know wherethey were going. It was a dead end, the road was blocked. The carbraked up smoothly, he had known.

“So, let us talk a bit.” He motioned for her to go to the back. “Irather like the front, it is cozy.” Sean remained motionless; the wordsflowing out of his lovely lips were the only sign that indicated that hewasn’t a statue. Clenching her teeth, she tried to pick up on what hewas feeling, thinking; anything. He didn’t give anything away; hishands were still on the wheel of the car.

When he finally spoke, Natasja jumped; she didn’t think he would

start. “Why do you want us to break up, I thought we were cool?” Histone was disinterested, as though he had better things to do; it ignitedher anger. He could at least sound a little bit worried at losing her, “Irealized that, I need to focus on school right now, not be all ‘cosy’.” Hisfacial expression never faltered. “Whatever, we are going to go out ‘tilI say we are going to stop, okay?” Natasja’s cool expression turneddisgusted, it was the wrong move; she had insulted him.

His voice was barely audible when he hissed, “Get in the back, Tash.” It was a command, not a question, not a plea and thereforeignored. “My name is not Tash, it is Natasja and I hate the name Natsybear.” Venom dripped from her voice, she would not take any crap,

anymore. Sean’s hand whipped out, lashing her face, in a firm thrust.Natasja could feel the burning pain in her jaw and the dizziness thatmomentarily engulfed her but remained still.

Licking her lips she asked casually, “I see that you don’t mindbeating women. Could I leave, now?” Inside Natasja wanted to scream,she wanted to cry and she wanted to beg Sean to be the person she’dcome to like. Sean snarled disgustedly, “IF you can get to your homebefore I rape you, I’ll happily leave you.” Natasja froze, she couldn’thave heard right. “You are not serious, you are not a rapist. You mightbe a thief, a liar and a lot of other things but not that.”

Before Natasja could blink, a knife sliced across her arm. “Forthat, you better hope you survive to reach your home.” Natasja flungthe door open but Sean had caught her arm. He punched her, squarein the eye. Gritting her teeth Natasja kicked at him. Her eyes were onfire, her arm was torn and her jaw was burning. Sean used his arms tohold her down as he sliced her shirt open. Natasja knew he wasn’tgoing to rape her, no, he was going to torture her. Turning her head tohim, she spat at him.

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Kicking, and swinging, Natasja bit him, clawed him and aimedpunches all over Sean’s body. He didn’t budge. He aimed for her legbut the knife tore through the seat. Dragging the knife out, Natasjastabbed him as hard as possible in his chest. It landed, but not verydeep. He kicked her in the belly, knocking the air out of her.

He reached for a thick rope in one of the compartments and tiedNatasja hands together tightly. The rope was long and he used the tailend to drag her out of the car after he opened the door on his side.Outside in the cool night breeze, Natasja felt tears of pain streakingdown her face. Sean was dragging her on her belly through the dirtand bush. He stopped right in front of a small gully surrounded bybush.

Thinking he would let her stay there to bleed to death, he aimedanother stab in her belly with the knife that had stabbed him. Natasjafelt the knife tearing through her flesh. She was going to die, she wasgoing to die. Thinking of death and all the things she would lose, not

including possessions but people, she fought. Kicking and screaming,she felt one of Sean’s legs pressing down on her neck.

Wiggling, Natasja continued screaming, hoping someone wouldhear. It was in vain though, no houses were nearby. Escaping his legs,she rolled; a plan had formed in her mind. Rolling into Sean’s path, shefelt him kick her but continued. She would survive the bastard; shewould die when she was darn well good and ready. Rolling and rolling,her plan finally came into action, Sean tripped. Standing up quickly,Natasja kicked and kicked until, Sean fell into the gully.

Running to the car was pure agony but when she reached, shedidn’t bother closing doors excepting hers. She closed her side door

and started the engine; Sean was running out of the gully. The guy wasa freak of nature and Natasja had the urge to just reverse and run himover but sped away instead. She didn’t go home; she went straight tothe children’s clinic not too far from Burger King.

She felt dizzy, her head was spinning, her breathing was raggedand she knew she didn’t have much time. She slowed but didn’t stopuntil she reached the bottom of the steps, jumping out of the car whenshe reached the clinic doors. Going inside, the receptionist screamedwhen she saw Natasja. Others followed in the receptionists lead asthey saw her, some fainted. Natasja didn’t care, she needed help andfast. “Please, someone- hospital-carry me- I’m begging.” The wordswere Natasja’s last, as she fell to the ground, unconscious.

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Wake up, Shut up, Start overWhen life gives you options, make a choice

worth a lifetimeChapter 3

Natasja felt numb, as though she couldn’t move; she wasstationary. She couldn’t open her eyes; it was as though they weresuper glued shut. She couldn’t feel if she had hands, legs, anything.She was on something soft and firm, she was faced upwards, the roomsmelt of disinfectant, the room had no Air condition or they were beingcheap; that is all she knew.

“Is she going to be okay?” It was a masculine voice. The personsounded worried, anxious, exhausted and oddly enough, the voicewasn’t familiar. It was deep but not very, maybe it was a teenager.Natasja didn’t have a clue where the hell she was but it was most likely

a hospital; big whoop. Questions raced through her mind. She felt painsomewhere but it was dull, hardly there.

“She is in a coma; we can’t tell how severe her injuries are.” Thevoice was muffled but distinctly placating; it was a doctor. “Do youwant to see her?” There was no response; at least none that she’dheard. That is how it went for a while. Natasja didn’t know how manydays precisely but she always heard that one voice. The voice that shedidn’t know, was always there; always trying to comfort her.

Days, weeks, eternity and back; they all came and they all left.Sometimes Natasja would block out, sink deeper into the coma butother times she listened; hearing but not being able to talk back. The

Voice was her only visitor, she always heard him, but could neverguess who he was. For all Natasja knew, he might be a stranger but awelcome stranger. He read her stories sometimes, which made her feellike a little kid again, sometimes he talked about nothing and yeteverything.

Natasja soon began to wonder if she would ever wake up fromthe coma, if she would hear another person’s voice; which didn’tinclude the doctors. The doctors chatter was like a dog’s barking, shecouldn’t decipher it, couldn’t comprehend it. That was when she heardvoices outside her door. The voices were like music, beautiful,enchanting, bewitching music and Natasja almost fell asleep.

The door burst open; the voices became louder and moredistinct. “Thank you, Jesus, thank you Mr. Green, thank you doctor;Natasja, are you okay?” It was Mrs. Sinclair’s voice, Natasja wassurprised. She sounded as though she finally gotten a sip of water aftera long drought, as though she cared. “Ma’am, your daughter is in acoma.” Natasja felt tears drop on her arm, her good arm. She wantedto say something but she couldn’t; her lips were a dead weight.

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“Can she hear me?” Normally, Natasja would have made asarcastic remark about being right their but it was a reasonablequestion. Smooth, soft arms brushed her cheek. It felt nice, soothing, just like their voices. Natasja heard a voice in her head wondering howcome her parents hadn’t come before. She ignored it, that night or

day, she fell asleep contented.A week later, when Natasja woke up, her eyes actually opened;

she could see. Looking around she took in everything. The walls werewhite, the room was basically impersonal and life was great. No onewas in her room though; it was empty apart from the beeping machinebeside her and that brought her good mood to an abrupt halt.

Looking down at herself, she saw that her hand had two scars,indicating where she had been stabbed. She felt her face but was notsure if any marks were there. Feeling her belly, there was a cast there.Lifting body parts randomly, she was happy to see that they worked just fine. It was hard to believe that she had thought she would die; it

seemed sort of inconceivable.Later in the day, doctors and nurses alike checked on her, none

seemed like they cared that she was finally awake. It was reallydepressing and to make matters worse, she had absolutely nothing todo. Clock watching was the only thing she found remotely interesting,the hands of the clock moved; how exciting.

At 4:39:23-5 in the evening, her family came. “Hey mom, dad,Natalie; It is great to see you!” Over the top as it may be, Natasja wasextremely happy to see them, clock watching was a very dreary job.“Tahj, are you okay? You seem happy to see us?” Natalie said thismockingly; she stood the furthest away.

Natasja just rolled her eyes; she really did love her sister butreally. “Do you have any sticks?” Mrs. Sinclair looked shocked, Mr.Sinclair disbelieving and Natalie was laughing as she gave a bubblegum stick to her sister. “How did you survive without your gum?”Natasja drew her sister in for a hug and kissed both her cheeks. Nataliedidn’t pull away, “I think that they should check your head, Tahj, whathappened to you?” Her sister hated cuddly scenes but she seemed likeshe was in a special mood; Natasja wasn’t going to push it.

Natasja and her family talked about the edited version of theaccident. She never mentioned Sean’s name. Her parents talked abouthow they found out where she was. Natasja learnt from Natalie thatshe was being given extra time but it came with the penalty of havingto learn up to the 5th form curriculum. Natasja had until the 27th of Mayto do the exam. They revealed that by the end of the week, Natasjacould leave. Natasja didn’t admit how terrible the accident had beenand how she feared going back to school; she could not do it.

Natasja tried to breathe properly. She could do this, she could dothis; it was a mantra. She hadn’t chewed another gum since that day in

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the hospital. Everything would be okay; she would survive. She triedthinking positively but memories kept flitting through; gruesomememories. Natasja chewed on her pinkie, trying to calm down. By thetime she reached school, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay, afterall.

Everything was the same, the place still looked like a picture atfirst but this time some of her classmates were in it. They ran to herand hugged her, asking a million questions that she didn’t get achance to answer. “Hey guys, why are you hugging me?” Natasja wasbreathless and her rib was hurting a lot.

Jamie, the silent and overfriendly guy in her class mewled. It wasweird to the max but she and the entire class were used to it. “Hey Jamie, did you miss me?” He was like a puppy, always happy andcontent and almost always making animalistic noises. Natasja wasfreaked out by him a little and tried to always keep him talking toRebecca and Ana-belle.

They all walked back to class, talking about everyday things thathad no serious significance; like Jaseline putting Damien’s watch in herpanties for an entire session and all that. No one asked how she gotinjured; it was forbidden fruit. The walk up to the class was longer thanever before, her class was fairly swarming her; not letting her escape.

That is how it went for the entire week; she didn’t get a chanceto see if Sean was around or talk to anyone. By the end of the weekNatasja was tired and seriously worn out but at least her class seemedto be cooling down on the swarming thing now. Heading out for firstbreak, she quickly went to the library with Jessica on her heels;Geography notes in tow.

Sitting down in the reading part of the library, Jessica gave abrief overview of all the topics starting from two months ago. Theoverview took about ten minutes and then Jessica was gone to hangout with her crew at the other end of the school at Arawak village. There were four topics done, each taking up about twelve pages.Focusing on the task ahead, she wrote down the notes.

That was where Joshua found her about five minutes later. Thewords were seriously becoming blurry in front of her eyes and all shewanted to do was sleep. Staying awake by sheer determination, shedidn’t see him standing by the bookshelf behind her looking at her.

“I see that you are back.” It was not what he wanted to say; themeaning wasn’t even literal. It was like reading an unknown languageand you had to read in-between the lines. Natasja was not in the moodto stress any of her brain cells. “I am, thanks for the observation.”Rolling his eyes, not that she could see, he sat down in the chairopposite her.

The silence ran its natural course, as they both got lost in theirown world. “What happened to you Natasja? Did you just lead me on,

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knowing full well that you were going to run away?” His voice was low,concealing all his true emotions; Natasja couldn’t talk like that. “Areyou a total idiot? I broke up with your friend only to find out that theguy was a bloody killer. I found out that fact by personal experience noless, I am stinking lucky not to be dead right now. You didn’t even tell

me.” The memories overwhelmed her; torturing her inside, he almost

killed her. Her breathing was ragged with the reminiscence of the pain,the fear, the threat facing her and the pure hatred reflected in hiseyes. “Tahj, I don’t understand you, the news said that you’d run awayfrom home only to be found in the hospital a few weeks later.” Joshualooked confused but that didn’t excuse him, he should have told herabout him. “Why didn’t you tell me that Sean was that violent? Why! Ialmost died because I thought I could handle him, almost died becauseI wanted a break up.”

Natasja couldn’t breathe, she felt like it was happening, like she

was being stabbed and punched and stepped upon again. She couldn’tbare the memories, they were too fresh, too recent, and too terrible;her head fell unto the table, her body jerked and then she wasmotionless.

Joshua looked aghast; he knew something was wrong. Standingup and lifting her head, he saw that she wasn’t breathing. Calling hisfriend Tony, who had a car, he rushed Natasja out of the library andout into the back car park where the car was. Tony wasn’t there yet,feeling totally inadequate, he tried everything in his power to keep herfrom dying.

Joshua couldn’t believe it; Natasja had almost died from amemory. It was ridiculous, what could possibly be so horrific that thememory could cause such disastrous effects? He shook his head; it wasobvious; it was the accident that landed Natasja in the hospital the firsttime. He seriously couldn’t believe he was caught up in the middle of this drama; moreover he couldn’t believe the sweet girl in the bed was.

Natasja was broken, the girl who had been strong, smart and sonice had made one mistake and now here she was. She was okay, herbreathing had stabilized, and she didn’t need any form of machine forhelp; that was the only good thing. It was all Sean’s fault; it was a formof mantra.

Joshua couldn’t face it, couldn’t face the truth, he was partiallyresponsible. He should have told her about how bad Sean was but hedidn’t want her to get all frightened and stuff. It was a mistake, amistake that caused a terrible thing to happen. Joshua had read

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Natasja’s papers; she’d been stabbed all over her body, rope markshad been on her hands and her face had taken a nasty blow.

The worst injuries were on her stomach where she’d beenstabbed deeply, tearing part of her kidney and lung and barely missingher spine. Her hand had a nasty stab mark where it had practically

been torn in two. Looking at her arms now, he saw the long line thatstarted in the middle of her upper arm to her wrists.

Jaws clenched in anger, misery and self reproach, Joshua didn’tnotice that Natasja was looking at him. There was a tiny smile on herface. “You know, I want to hate you, I want to kill you and so manyother bad things but at this precise moment, you remind me of thisguy that was always at my side before my parents found me inhospital.”

Natasja could almost hear the guy’s voice, it was sad that shehadn’t met him. Her smile faltered, she really owed the guy a lot. He’d

stopped visiting after her family had found her. She sometimeswandered if the guy had told her parents where she was; it was a likelypossibility. Maybe the guy was not really a person, suppose he was herguardian angel; comforting her and being there when she needed him.It was a lovely thought and one that put her smile firmly back in place.

“You know Joshua, I am kind of curious, how did you get mehere?” It was a loaded question, that question was the base for manymore. Natasja was curious as to why he had even helped her, he couldhave left her in the library; granted it would be on his conscience butstill. “I borrowed a friend’s car, you scared me.” His voice was lowagain; no emotion was revealed but she knew he had just made

himself vulnerable to her. They talked a bit longer until the doctor released her. School

should have been finished; it was 3:47 pm according to the watch atthe dresser. Leaving the hospital with a strict warning to go to atherapist, they went back to school. When they reached and Joshuaparked the car around the back entrance, Natasja hugged him tightly.“Thanks, idiot, you are seriously the worst best friend I’ve ever had.”

Getting out of the car before Joshua could comment, she ran tothe front. Mr. Sinclair was supposed to suppose to pick her up at 4:15because she had Chess. Out at the front by pebbles, students from avariety of schools waited for their ride. Sitting down, Natasja took outher diary and wrote down the day’s events in great detail. She evenmentioned the last words she said to Joshua.

Putting up her diary she took out Jessica’s Geo book because Joshua had forgotten her book in his haste earlier. Reading up thenotes anyways, Natasja tried to find ways to remember the details. Shedidn’t really notice when a bag fell on the seat beside her. She did

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however notice the shadow being formed in front of her. It seemedPebbles wasn’t safe anymore.

Ignoring him Natasja tried to focus back on her studies. Unlessthe dumb-skull wanted to retract his bargain, she had no reason toeven notice him. “Feeling better, Tahj?” She was trying to focus real

hard on something about tertiary industries but the guy smelled foul.She wandered why she didn’t notice that before; most likely her nosehad become blinded by the guy’s sweet talk.

“Tahj, you get deaf all of a sudden, what is your deal?” Lookingup with painstaking slowness, Natasja answered Sean with the dirtiestlook she had. She had better things to do with her time than be aroundcriminals. Sean backed off, taking his bag with him. She momentarilysmelt his cologne and wanted to puke but the scent went away asquickly as it had come. After that day, Natasja hoped she never had tosee or smell him ever again.

The days after that were hectic to say the least. Joshua was

making it his prime responsibility to help her study every subject shedid. He even went into 12th grade work that almost made Natasja’shead explode. Jessica and quite a few others were helping her to getup to date in her schoolwork and the gossip mills. By the end of thesecond week of school, she wondered when the world had gottensuddenly nice.

Natasja, however, didn’t have to deal with everyone being niceto her. On Friday evening, Natalie was raging mad. After reachinghome, she practically dragged Natasja to her room, setting off a wildfurious tantrum of complaints. Natasja couldn’t understand half thethings her foster sister said. When Natalie was really angry or was

trying to express a strong emotion, she would switch from English to aforeign language, like now.

Natasja could decipher which language she was speaking in,German, and it really didn’t help her. From what she managed tointerpret, rumors were spreading about how she’d ended up in hospitaland none of them were good. It ranged from going out on a wild nightround the back road; everyone knew that only strippers and peoplewho were looking for trouble went there, to her being involved in agang which robbed somebody at their home. It was truly madness andquite frankly Natasja ears were beginning to buzz.

“Why didn’t you just play the role of a good little sister and justcover for me?” Natasja’s voice was almost at screaming level so thatNatalie would hear. Natalie’s hair had shook free of their constrainingbands during her tantrum and was now lying flatly against her sweat-covered neck. She swiped up her hair and retied it with her blue elasticband. “Because firstly, I am not your sister and secondly, they didn’tgive me a chance.”

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Natasja felt an ache somewhere in her chest; Natalie was right,they weren’t remotely related. “So tell them that, tell them that yourparents felt sorry for me and decided to keep me,” Natalie tried tointerrupt but Natasja wasn’t listening, her ears felt like bees werebuzzing around in them. “And it was the worst mistake your family

ever made.” She stalked away to the room next door, her room, andsobbed into the pillow.

What the hell was she supposed to do? Life seemed extremelycomplicated, she didn’t know it before but she actually kind of felt abond with her supposed family again and then Natalie threw a blowlike that. Natasja didn’t really care about school or even anythinginvolving the outside world, she just cared about having a decentfamily life. Things were different a couple of month’s ago, then shewas trying to fit in and all of that non-sense but now she had to decideif she could pick up the broken pieces of her life to make a solid future.

Getting off the bed reluctantly and sitting down on the cold

ground, she loved being on the ground; she picked up her Information Technology notes (IT) and just tried to interpret the first threechapters. Spreadsheet, the third chapter was the hardest, she couldn’tfigure out the symbols and formulae. It was harsh but Natasja tried topick and pick it apart, that always worked but this time it didn’t worktoo well. She understood a few concepts like adding; averaging andfinding the maximum and mininum but the others just would not sinkin. Tomorrow was another day, anyways; the words were beginning to join in Natasja’s mind.

Putting away everything, Natasja was determined to get somenormalcy into her life. Boys came and went, classes came and went

but her family, friends and education would always be there. Shecouldn’t avoid that, so why not just live with it; stop trying to escape?Her dresser was a total mess, life was a mess but, man, every cloudhad a silver lining and if there weren’t any, she’d very well createthem.

That is how it went from then on. She heard negative comments,she saw couples everywhere as though mocking her but seriously, shecouldn’t care less; she had better things to do. She had wrote in herdiary that night, writing down everything that had happened in explicitdetails and she came up with a motivation; she had always wanted togo to Europe so she’d learn every language under the sun and spendone year in Europe when she had enough money. It was a long shot-could she really keep the motivation going? But as long as God wasleading her, she’d very well try.

The library was her new home and Jessica became her newcompanion, she missed Zhane and Rebecca and all but she didn’tknow how to face them, even though she sat next to them. It wasawkward, she wanted them back as her friends but she did not know

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teachers would say we are the worst class they know but we were kindof a family, we wouldn’t allow anything bad to happen to one another.

Now, I have to learn quadratic equations, linear equations,inequalities, minerals, and physical features of the earth, naturalresources, the Haitian, French, American, Russian Revolutions and

Christmas Rebellion; not to mention more stressful topics. It was really chaotic but at least she had help.

Joshua was like my guardian angel, he was always there in thebackground, ensuring that I focused. I could tell that he was worriedabout me and I thought it sweet. I didn’t know why he cared so muchfor my welfare but he did. Somehow, I have a feeling that Joshua is my gift from God. Joshua was my anchor in a turbulent sea.

So far, I am still totally in the same position with Zhane andRebecca and I really wanted that to change. Looking up, Natasja spieda glance at Rebecca and Zhane; they seemed just fine without her. They were playing a game, ABC Fast Or Slow, was her guess. I loved

that game; I used to pay it all the time in preparatory school. Choosinga letter from the alphabet and then writing as quickly as possibleeverything under the specific heading like boys, girls, animals, placesand food. The person who selected the letter told everyone when tostop and then they would check the responses and if no two or more persons had the same reply under a heading then 100 points weregiven, otherwise it was broken down. At the end the points would becounted up and the highest won.

There was only a week until the big exam, I’ve studied so muchand yet I feel I should study more. It was annoying but persons like Jessica and Joshua helped me to find good study methods that actually

worked. I guess I could say the clock is now ticking, faster than usualbut still speeding up.

Time; it was time for Spanish class. Natasja’s classmates tookout there books for the next class because they knew they couldn’tmove once class began; that was how strict Senora Minot was. Theunruly class that Natasja had grown to love had finally found its match. The previously untidy classroom had undergone a miracle and Natasjacould actually see the floor. All the evidence of the classroom’sprevious state was, however, in the garbage bin and it was quicklyremoved.

Natasja smiled, who would have thought that it would be aSpanish teacher that frightened the daylights out of them? In eighthgrade, they had had two teachers; one who wore the same mashed-upwig from the first day of School in September to march the next yearand the other was from Cuba and didn’t even know English.Surprisingly, Natasja had passed that year but other students had tocheat to scrape through the term.

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“Sacan tus cuadernos, Hola clase,” that phrase was an exampleof Senora Minot’s attitude; work first, chitchat later (or probablynever). That was the only high point to the day, for the rest of theclasses the students just idled. Natasja talked to Jessica and her friendsthe whole time, forgetting all her worries.

Walking out of the class, laughing with Jessica, Lillian bumpedinto Natasja. She looked up about to apologize as she stepped back apace, only to role her eyes in disgust. “Com on,” grabbing Zhane andRebecca, she walked off. Shell shocked, Natasja stood stock-still. Jessica didn’t seem to notice, she was too busy talking to Ryan fromthe class next to theirs.

Clearing her mind, Natasja tried to put things into perspective;Lillian was a stupid, skinny butted, buff tooth minx with the lousiestattitude in the entire world. That was great in theory; it didn’t reallywork because the lousy gyal had just walked off with her friends.Granted they didn’t talk anymore but still. Taking deep breaths, she

tried to find some calm.“Hey Jess, I am going to the library, check you later.” Natasja

went to the bathroom first. Scrubbing her face at the sink with herhands and water she tried to get rid of all her emotions. Sometimes,emotional clean up was not as good as physical scrub down. Tatianawas at the sink next to her looking at herself in the mirror. “What is upwith you?” Looking up at her, Natasja answered, “Trying my best to getrid of some extra baggage.”

Tatiana smiled; she was Indian with mid-back length, black, curlyhair with caramel highlights, curvaceous and model slim with flawlessskin apart from her acne filled face. She was vivacious, loud-mouthed,

and always seemed to get in trouble; in all, Tatiana was everythingNatasja at one point or another wanted to be but never had the guts toachieve. Tatiana looked like an Indian Barbie doll but only real andunderstandable, sometimes.

“Cass, please,” It was exaggerated as though Natasja shouldknow better, “I thought you realized that this won’t help you. You needto do something about your problems not erase them out of existence.” As much as Natasja wanted to be shocked, she wasn’t.When Tatiana put her mind to it, she could be observant and quitehelpful; too bad she didn’t like the advice. Washing her face anothertime, she turned off the pipe before she left, Natasja smiled sadly ather classmate, “Thanks, Tia.”

The cool breeze was refreshing; spring was finally here.Broderick looked beautiful, an opinion that many persons would notagree with. The tree leaves were blowing gently, students werescattered all about eating and talking and doing what they did best. Asea of students was lined up at the canteen door waiting to be allowedentrance.

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Natasja smiled, truly enjoying the view, she was extremelyhappy she did not eat a first break; it would be a living nightmare. Fora bystander, it looked okay and all but to actually be part of the crowd,you would have to endure sweaty armpits, a hot and crammed canteenand long tiring waits in two lines. Second break was heaven to that

torture.Spotting Joshua walking back from the canteen, she waited for

him. “Josh, what’s that?” Taking his box lunch from him, Natasjaexamined it, “Mallah chicken, could I have some?” The Chinese foodsmelt so deliciously spicy, her mouth just watered. Licking her lip tohide her reaction, she looked up into his eyes.

HE was smiling awkwardly. “Are you alright?” Natasja laughedand hugged him, food and all, “Yes, Josh, I thought you were going toask me something totally different. Come on.” Natasja led him to thebench in front of the PD room where they both sat and Joshua dug intohis food. The remainder, he gave to her, frowning slightly, she mock

reproached, “Pig, your face is totally ruined with all of that sauce.” Hisreply was a wicked smile, “I am a man.”

Rolling her eyes, she ate up, “I have to go to the library or Jesswill absolutely murder me.” Natasja saw something in Joshua’s facethat shouldn’t have been there: worry. “Um, Josh, why are looking atme like that?” Was he a psychic? Was I going to fail the test? Was my attitude now frightening? Fuzzy Balls! It was so annoying to not knowwhat was going on. “I think, Tahj, he was looking at me?”

The fear of God ran up her spines even though she didn’t knowwhy. Why the hell did she forget? Hissing her teeth in annoyance,Natasja turned to smile sweetly at the unwelcome visitor. Lillian looked

as disgusting as ever with an adorable smile on her face that made herwant to puke. “Hi, Lillian, what are you doing here?” It took all of herwill power not to claw the girls face out.

Normally, Natasja was level headed, sweet, not quick todiscriminate but somehow, from the moment she saw the gyal Lillianshe just disliked her. Sure, at one point they could have been calledfriends, a loose term in this case but she didn’t kill her. The ghetto justran thick in the girls’ veins. Natasja had many friends from the ghetto,part of her family was from their but damn if she could like the gyalbefore her.

“I actually go to school here,” she quipped, “Who is your friend?”Natasja had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach but introduced thetwo and you would have thought she had lit a fuse; they just begantalking and you would think they would never stop. Lillian hadsnuggled herself between Natasja and Joshua. Hitting her head againstthe wall, Natasja mentally berated herself.

Getting up, Natasja doubted they would miss her. She walked tothe library and got herself the most boring book in the world to read,

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the dictionary. That was how Jessica found her, pouring over adictionary with an intense look printed upon her face. Pulling up achair, she cleared her throat, “I actually noticed you Jess, and I am justfuming angry right now.” Always the one to pick up on juicy stories, Jessica demanded, “Spill, I know it sounds white and all but seriously,

what the hell happened between the start of break and now, to get youpanty hose in such a twirl?”

Rolling her eyes in disbelief, which was her new habitat, Natasjacouldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Jess, come on, make up somebetter phrases will you. Anyways, Lillian just annoyed the hell out of me by interrupting a conversation between Joshua and me. Can youbelieve that girl?” Jessica looked at her quizzically and that was whenNatasja remembered that everyone in her stinkin’ form loved off Lillianand now Joshua would join the fan club.

Cursing herself for having an enemy like Lillian, she prayed Jessica wouldn’t give her any crap about what a poor saint she was.

“What are you talking about, Lily is okay. Why do you hate on her?”Reading up the definition of five words in the dictionary in front of her,she tried to retain her calm.

“I don’t hate the girl; I just really don’t like her.” It was thesimplest answer Natasja could give without starting an argument. Itdidn’t seem to be enough to mollify Jessica though, “Why don’t you likeher, is it because she is better than you? Is it that she has a boyfriendthat is actually great and you picked a worthless idiot?” That wasenough; she didn’t even look like she realized her mistake and maybeshe hadn’t. Getting up from the chair, Natasja replaced the dictionaryand left the library.

Why is it that I always had to make the wrong choices? What thehell was my problem; couldn’t I live without being in the spotlight? Wasthat why I was so hateful of Lillian, because she claimed the spotlight and not me? Shoot, why did everything have to be so complicated? Iwant some peace and I thought I had found it but I was wrong, peace just seemed to avoid me like the plague and maybe I was. I neededdistance, space and some time to think.

The rest of the day was stressful to say the least. Jessica wasignoring her completely and Lillian looked like she had just one thelottery. That is how the week went and before Natasja knew it; it wasthe day of reckoning. Her heart beating fifty times more than usual,she went into the principal’s office, where she would be taking theexam.

She seriously couldn’t believe it, the amount of times she hadpictured this day; it wasn’t anything like she could have dreamt it. Shefelt weighed down, her legs leaden her arms weighty and her headpounding. Natasja couldn’t shake it; she had the worst migraine everon the biggest day of her life. It was a sign, a sign of doom and she

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didn’t know if she could take it. The stupid chocolate muffins she hadeaten to forget about Jessica and Lillian and Rebecca and Zhane and Joshua were killing her.

Joshua hadn’t even come to cheer her up. It was so sad, shewanted to cry; her life was going to be over by the end of the day.

Pausing a second, something clicked in her mind, she hadn’t shiedaway to Sean when he had tried to kill her, why the hell was she beingcowed by a couple of buffoons? Not thinking of anything else, shewent into the exam room with Ms. Barton and nearly fainted uponseeing the exam paper. No wonder she had six hour to do the test, theexam could have been a book.

Knocking her head against the chair back, she began the test. The watch on her hand seemed to be ticking in a crescendo; tick tock,tick tock… Clenching her teeth, she answered the questions, even theones she hadn’t the faintest idea about until her headache became arelatively major problem. Looking up at Ms. Barton desperately, she

begged, “Miss, please, I have a really bad migraine, could I have somepain killers?” Maybe it was the look in her eyes, but Ms. Bartonobliged, sending someone to get it. Thanking her profusely, Natasjatook the tablets with a cup of water and continued the test.

The pages turned one after the other and it was like the bars of aprison bursting free. The one exam was a mixture of everything shehad done in every subject that she was doing for CXC. It was extremelyhard; there were a lot of questions on sets, my hardest topic and quitea few on the Haitian and Russian Revolution. Essays were the order of the day and Natasja had to actually request folder paper. Soon enoughat ten to three, Natasja was pleased to say, she had finished the exam

without skipping a single question. Now, she just had to pray that shehad not written trash. Even though the exam was over, Natasja still feltthe mystical prison bars stranding her and she knew what she had todo.

Handing up the exam papers with a smile on her face, she left ona mission of sorts. Looking around the place for Zhane and Rebecca,she found them at Arawak village and blessedly without Lillian.Hesitating slightly, she asked, “Um, could I sit without you guys gettingup and leave like in those television shows?” They looked at each otherfor a second as if communicating telepathically then motioned for herto sit. Step one done.

Taking a deep breath, Natasja took a chance, “I am sorry forignoring you guys while I was dating Sean, it was one of the worstpossible things I could have done. It really wasn’t intentional. Then,after the incident I didn’t know how to talk to you, it was reallyfrustrating not knowing what to say but I seriously hope you’ll forgiveme.” Biting her lip self-consciously, not knowing what else to say;Natasja remained quite, hoping to the God in heaven that they would

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give her another chance. “Forget it,” Zhane said, Natasja could tell thatit wasn’t meant to be hostile but it was and it hurt. Looking at Rebeccapleadingly, she replied, “Bye.” That was hostile.

Swallowing hard, Natasja felt her body twitched involuntarily andknew she was on the verge of crying. Leaving, Natasja didn’t think of

Zhane and Rebecca as something evil, only that it hurt knowing thatthere friendship was well and truly over. She could feel a clawing ather heart and she didn’t try to block it; that was how life went.

Taking a risk, Natasja looked around for Joshua. Twenty minuteslater, she found him behind the staff house with Lillian. They looked sosnug together, as though they were truly happy. The realization madeher extremely sad because she had tried to prevent Joshua fromhappiness. Balling up all her courage, Natasja walked toward them.

Zhut! It was so much harder than she would have thought itwould have been, “Hi guys, um, I want to say something.” She didn’tthink they heard, they were in their own cozy little world where nothing

existed but whatever. Personally, Natasja had never been there so itwas kind of strange to describe it. Tick Tock, the time was going here.

Expelling a large amount of air from her lungs she began,“Lillian, Joshua, please listen.” Satisfied that they were for the timebeing paying attention to what she was saying, she continued eventhough Lillian was giving her the bad eye. Whatever, she still lookedugly so it didn’t matter. “I want to say that I am extremely sorry foracting like such a fool lately, it was intentional but still. I hope you willbe bountifully happy together. K?” Shoot, Natasja felt like dirt hadinvaded her mouth; maybe that’s why she didn’t tell lies.

Joshua looked at Natasja sort of dazedly and that was when she

saw his rock solid erection, her bad. She had the worst timing inhistory! That reminded her of Brittany Spears song that went, “…History has come again…” She loved the song but it seriously wasn’tappropriate. Wiping the smile off her face, she tried to make a quickexit. Natasja would not lie to all of them and say that she would hangout with them; not to say that they wanted her here. Giving Joshua onelast beseeching look, to say it ain’t so, she left.

Natasja felt grossly hungry with a lion as stomach, growling itsway until she ate her first barbeque chicken from Kentucky FriedChicken in Yamane Center. Taking out her cheep Nokia ‘fridge’ of aphone, she called her dad, Mr. Sinclair, to tell him where she was. Itseemed that he would be late because of a stupid meeting.

Ravishing her food, she didn’t notice when a shadow came overher. She seriously wasn’t the most observant person in the world.“Aren’t you greedy?” The voice stopped her in her tracks; it was Jessica. Turning around to look at her friend, she didn’t realize that shehad sauce all over her cheek and nose. She sort of looked like a clown. Jessica had a reluctant smile on her face while Tatiana who was behind

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her was laughing whole-heartedly. Natasja was totally bemused butlaughed along thinking what the heck .

Another Day, Another MileLife is a game of give and take, you just have to

wait.Chapter 5

Joshua is no longer in the picture and I don’t know how I feelabout that. He was there before Jessica and Tatiana. He was her best friend during the rocky roads when no one else seemed to careenough. He was the strength she needed, he was everything and nowhe is gone.

Jessica is a whirlwind of experiences. She talks and talks andgossips and talks until you swear he mouth will drop off but it never actually does. She is a fashionista but not as much as Tatiana who willbuy out an entire store. Jessica is undoubtedly a black horse: exciting,thrilling, mysterious and real.

Tatiana is unbelievably dramatic. Bitchy, fashionable, mean,feisty, you name it; she has it. She is the queen of drama and the spiceof my class. She is sometime overwhelmingly over-the top but she isherself. There is no other Tatiana around and you can either hate her or love her.

Zhane and Rebecca, they are a team; say one and you think the

other. They are quirky, funny, corny and now that I think about it, very dull. It was all rehearsed, boring, insufferable, and routine. It was funwhile it lasted; I learnt what friendship was and they were nice in their own way but its over. Bye, Bye, Bye!

What to do now, what to think, what to believe and most importantly, what do I want? It is a hard question; what does NatasjaNicosia Cassia want; but was it impossible. So listing it out, I want tohave fun, be spontaneous, laugh like a stupid maniac, and be free adto have friends throughout the ride. Goal set; now what?

Tick Tock, tick tock, the clock chimps by. Waiting was aunnecessary procedure, Natasja wanted to get the results and just

know what was going on. Natasja was currently talking to Jessica whenSimone interrupted. She was fair skinned with glasses that had thicklenses. Her frame was curvaceous and her attitude was perky. She wasa friend of Jessica since the start high school. Natasja only spoke to heroccasionally because that was the only time thy saw each other.

“Hey, guys, do you want to play truth or dare?” Everyone knewtruth or dare, whether from watching television or seeing others play it

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at parties. Persons tended to lame out in the game so it got reallyboring extremely fast. Looking at each other, they accepted.

Xing-Fu, Dimitri, Gregory, Tatiana, Lillian, Simone and someother students from the classes next door were playing. The gamebegan soon enough with simple, undemanding questions and dares

that were quickly getting boring. Catherine from the class next doorspun the bottle and it landed on Simone. “Truth or Dare?” The group cheered for her to choose dare and so it began.

“I dare you to go up to Ryan and give him a French kiss.” Dareplaced, it couldn’t be retracted unless you wanted to spoil the gameup. Everyone looked at Simone expectantly; Lillian rooted her on. Ryanwas next door studying when Catherine called him over for someunknown reason. Licking her lips, Simone got up from the chair andwalked over to him. “Sorry Jaejay. It was a dare. Leaning over, shefulfilled hr dare while the whole class rooting her along.

As usual, the party had to come to end. Ms. Lincoln, the dean of

discipline, intruded upon the class when the kiss was taking place.Students rushed in front of the couple in time to hide the scene fromthe unwanted adult. Being an adult she was boring enough to not knowwhat was going on and instead of cursing because of fraternizing onschool compounds, she confiscated a Blackberry Curve.

When she left, the class gave an audible sigh of relief. This didnot include Richard, who commenced bawling over his Blackberry andthe group laughed aloud. “Okay, lets change it up; the dares will haveto be done after school hours, okay?” This is what Lillian said andeveryone reluctantly agreed. Jessica had to swim as far out as possibleat Hellshire beach, Catherine had to straddle Joshua and Lillian made it

clear that straddle did not mean ride. Tatiana had to drink 4 crates of Smirnoff in three hours. Natasja had to go on three dates by Saturdayand it was already Wednesday. In all, it made for a very interestingweek. Those who did not fulfill the dare had to do five person’shomework for a week.

Lively discussions ensued during English class, everyone thinkingof their respective dares. English, after all, was just a pointless subjectmeant only to keep students caged up in the classrooms longer.French, Spanish, those languages Natasja would pay attention tobecause they were relevant; they were not born knowing that stuff.

At first break, Natasja took he mp4 ad went to the library. Jessica was eating lunch with her crew and so was Tatiana. She didn’tfeel comfortable in groups so she just talked one on one with people. The library was crowded because exam time was just around thecorner and people had to be studying their behinds off.Natasja felt uneasy, looking at the other occupants of the library; nextyear she would be here doing what they were doing now, studying fortheir lives. Next year was the year that would either make her dreams

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come through or damage all the hope she had left. It wasn’t too muchpressure, students had done it a thousand times over; so why was shesweating like a pig in the sauna and breathing as though she washaving a hart attack?

Hissing her teeth because she was annoyed with herself, she

took up a novel. It was the Ireland Isle and everything around herevaporated, only to be replaced by a ghost of a memory past. Thebook carried her away to the beginning of the end of her relationshipwith Sean; but oddly enough, thee mention of his name didn’t makeher cringe, but she still felt her art being dismantled.

“What happened to you?” Joshua had asked. She’d knownhe hadn’t meant that day but she didn’t know when. “What are youtalking about?” Natasja looked down at the Ireland book as though shehad been reading it but she had been avoiding his gaze. “Why did youhave to date Sean, you were okay before him, weren’t you?” Shelooked up then to see pain flickering in his eyes. She hadn’t known

why it was there but it caused tear to come to her eyes but she wouldnot let them fall.

“I liked him, I wanted him, I tried to keep him.” It had been astupid response and one that had also not been true. She hadn’t likedhim; she had liked how she had a boyfriend, she’d wanted a boyfriendand she tried to keep a boyfriend, not Sean.

Joshua’s eyes had been filled with disgust and Natasja had felt athousand times worse. It was like he had known. No one had held power over her before; she hadn’t cared about making someone likingher. She had been able to block out everyone’s opinion of Sean. Why couldn’t she have done the same with Joshua? “He kept you, are you

that foolish? I bet you didn’t know him before he talked to you. Youwere just being an idle idiot when you gave the nigga the time of day.” There was no gentleness in Joshua’s demeanor; he was rock solid, firmin his opinion, and firm in his judgment of her.

The tears had escaped and she’d tried to hide them by bendingher head. He hadn’t stopped though, “You didn’t know the first thingabout the guy but you let him walk all over you. You should knowbetter than that. I seriously thought you had brains, you seemed smart to me but I guess I was wrong. You’re gonna realize the guy is badnews, I just hope it is before he ruins you.”

Natasja realized something and it made her heat wrench. Joshuahad never said he cared about her; he could have been using her forall that she knew. She had trusted a guy who would call her foulnames. No wonder he didn’t care that she hated the girl he was dating.He had ignored her; she didn’t matter to him. The funny thing was, shenormally didn’t trust anyone; but lately, she trusted anyone who talkedto her. She was a pathetic idiot. At least Joshua wasn’t far off the mark.

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Putting back the book, Natasja found a chair and sat and prayed.Life was giving her some serious beatings, how much could one girltake before she finally broke? Natasja didn’t know the answer and shedidn’t want to take the risk; prayer saved so many, maybe it couldsave her. Natasja prayed for strength, she prayed for will power and

she prayed for peace.Prayer done and over with, Natasja left the library. The library

was no longer her zone; she’d find another one. Going to the canteen,happily the line was shorter, she bought a blueberry Nutri-grain andfive Jolly-rancher sweets. Jolly-ranchers were her one sweet addiction,except bubble gum where she didn’t discriminate. Nutri-grain was aKellogg’s bar that was both cheap and healthy.

The Nutri-grain, as usual, was delicious. It was the only thing shewould eat that had blueberry as an ingredient. She ate while walkingfrom the canteen; she wasn’t going to eat with anyone.

Natasja saw Joshua by the green wall sitting down with Lillian

nestled carefully into his shoulders. She felt a stab of pain where herheart should have been as bile rose in her throat. Not giving the couplea second glance, Natasja walked by and headed to bathroom to givethe toilet her broken heart.

At the bathroom door, upstairs the three stories building thathoused third and fourth formers, she wished that she had just vomitedon Joshua and Lillian; it would have saved her a suspension. Thebathroom door was closed so she guessed girls were changing.Opening the door fractionally, Natasja went inside. Bile was still risingin her throat but she was starting to get the feeling that it wasn’t fromrepulsion. What met her eyes was totally believable; after all, she

seemed to attract trash. Traci and Taylor were ambushing Tatiana. Itwas incredible, lose a friend to a whore and lose another friend tosome smart–up bimbos. Natasja was not having it.

Natasja ran to an unoccupied toilet and wretched. Rubbing off the icky grime with toilet paper, she joined the fracas. Traci wasseriously gorgeous and with a sense of vindictive pleasure, she jumpedher, knocking both her and Tatiana to the floor. Taylor had scissors inher hand and she dragged Tatiana off the floor ad cut her hair off.Removing her limbs from off Traci, Natasja boxed Taylor across theface. Natasja under other circumstances would have laughed as shewatched Taylor spin dizzily into a bathroom stall door and bounce off,still spinning into the toilet where she tripped. He smooth knees endedup in the toilet basin. Natasja thanked God silently that she wasn’t slimenough and light bodied enough to end up like Taylor. With that,Natasja refocused on Tatiana as Taylor screamed.

Traci got up to help Taylor out of the unfortunate position as ateacher entered the bathroom. Looking around at the four of us in thewall mirror, he thundered, “What is the meaning of this?” Gulping

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down fearfully, Natasja turned to the teacher. Natasja didn’t see herlife flashing before her eyes but she sure as hell would have preferredit. The teacher eyes were stormy with rage and disbelief and it madehim look like the devil’s son.

The bell rang sounding the end of break but not one of the three

girls moved, unless it was to fidget. Tatiana had lost consciousnessduring the fight and had been taken to the nurse’s station wheresomeone would have carried her to the hospital. Natasja realized witha sickening thud that she didn’t know why the girls had been fighting.She’d just seen her friend being beat up and tried to defend her. Thephone rang for about the billionth time and the receptionist after awhile escorted them to the principal’s office.

Mortification didn’t begin to describe how she felt. Natasjawanted to laugh as a bout of hysteria filled her; it was either that orcrying. The principal droned on and on, lecturing them on the stupidityof their actions, and then she went into their individual actions.

“Natasja, I can’t believe you actually put yourself into this situation. This year, you’ve had incident after incident tearing down your recordbut this will take the cake. Why did you not alert a teacher thatsomething was amiss? Are you that irresponsible?” Natasja faceremained cool and controlled, giving off mild indifference but inside thewords stung. The worst part though, was that she was actually startingto believe that the principal might be right.

Natasja tried to explain, she tried to clear her name but it was nouse. “Do you mean that just because your friend is in trouble, youshould act like the martyr? Natasja, before this year, I wouldn’t havebelieved you could be so reckless with your future but you are.

Natasja, if the police do not charge you with any offences, then you willbe suspended for a week; otherwise, you will be expelled. Traci, Taylor,I am afraid that this is out of my hands, you are both expelled and Ihave called the police and they are on their way.”

Natasja went deaf, she went blind, she went numb; her worldwas going to crumble into little pieces around her. Her life was on theverge of being destroyed and the only way that she was going tosurvive with something, was if the corrupted police rescued her.Seeing that the police couldn’t solve a simple crime where there weredozens of witnesses, they would try to milk this situation for all it wasworth. She was not being a pessimist, she was accepting defeat.

The police came and to Natasja horror arrested all three of themat Pebbles. “Oh God,” she prayed silently, “Spare me, help me, saveme and guide me. I promise to listen to you every day, if you would just give me a chance.” As they loaded them into the police cruiser,Natasja felt her head spinning.

Looking outside the window Natasja tried to focus; tried to staycalm, it didn’t work. Her head spun like whirlwind, the car jerked and

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braked as the police officer drove, the images of her schoolmatesstaring aghast at them, fresh in her mind. Her mind got fuzzy andeverything became unclear, everything surreal. A song edged its wayto the forefront of her mind, JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. The songseemed so appropriate, she needed Jesus to steer her off the track she

was on, and she needed her Lord’s help desperately. Natasja blankedout.

Natasja head bucked, twisted and writhed as she tried to wakeup from the most horrific dream in her life. The horror came fromknowing half the dream was reality. The sadness it inflicted on her wasindescribable, the pain and guilt over-whelmed her until the fight hadleft her limbs.

She was on a collapsing boat, water from the rocky seas pouringunto the deck. The boat was sinking quickly but oddly, the water joinedforming a cross as mighty as the Mt. Everest. Her cross was too great;the burden too heavy, she was going to drown. Her heart pounded like

a wild bear’s, her emotions clogged in her throat. A bright light shonefrom the beckoning sea as an image appeared. Her life in high schoolfloated by on the blue home made television she and her group hadused in their project. She had been proud knowing that she had spent so much time to finish the project and all her group members hadhelped. An image floated within the television screen, her accomplishments both big and small were shone with such clarity that her eyes misted over.

The brightness suddenly dimmed as though invisible candleswere being blown out. Sean’s image appeared, the cross, felt asthough it had gained fifty pounds and the boat tipped over slightly.

Sean’s image crushed the television screen as Rebecca and Zhanewere in it. Natasja’s heart stopped as tears slowly drenched her face.Their smiling faces broke, her heart constricted, her breathing becameragged. Grades floated on the water now; grades that could shame ascoundrel. The cross-multiplied, the letter about her performanceappeared and the boat tilted more until boxes splashed overboard.She was in danger zone. Crawling to the top, Natasja held on for all her life. She prayed, “Please don’t let this be the end.”

Suddenly Sean disappeared only to be replaced by Joshua.Natasja’s bawled out, this couldn’t be good, but she was silenced. Alight appeared that was not as strong as the first but enough for theseas to momentarily settle. The library appeared and Joshua hadhelped her. Realization struck as painful as an electrocution. The light was bright in the center but darkened at its edges, it was like light shining through darkness. Lillian and Joshua became a couple and thelight flickered; the boat jerked unsteadily. Looking into the seasstormy depths, it wasn’t an image of the couple making the seas roar,it was Natasja’s reaction. Natasja’s malice and hatred caused it.

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Joshua flickered away, not completely gone but nowherearound. The sea roared its almighty fury; the clouds from the highheaven released its mighty protests. Natasja’s arms slipped and shefell backwards down into the sea. Reaching out, her arms flailed. Shewas partially in the water at the bottom of the boat. Thinking what

could cause it, she only thought of the fight. The fight was the nail inher coffin and the arrest the dirt on her grave. Her arm’s found ground.Holding on, she tried to climb up to the boat’s raised side. Boxes andother stuff rolled into the all-consuming depths of the sea. As shereached the top, she looked up. Natasja was shocked to see that instead of the fight, it was a motion picture. Natasja wanting to wretchand blaming it on Lillian and Joshua had been the nail in her coffin.

About to let go because she didn’t know what else to do, shesaw Joshua on what appeared to be an island. It was a tombolo, whichmeant it led to a main land. Joshua was looking at her, tryingdesperately to say something but the words were muffled and she

slipped and fell over board. If only she could hear Joshua but shecouldn’t and she was drowning in a web of her own making.

Kicking and screaming earnestly, Natasja was shaken and sheawoke. She was at the police station and the police was holding on toher. “Are you okay?” Natasja would have made a sly comment andasked him if he’d had a dream like hers would he be alright. The wordsmelted on her lips, he’d asked gently. She couldn’t be sure but Natasjacould swear that she saw a light as bright as star and just as distant,shine on her in the broad daylight. “I think so, thanks for asking.” Shefelt calm, collected; Natasja would not allow herself to drown when shecould swim like any fish. The Lord had answered her prayers.

May 15, 2009End of 1st half of Part 1- The first half was the major conflict of part 1that breeds more conflict throughout this section. At the first half’sconclusion, Natasja found strength in a dream; a dream that will sether back on track with her mind more focused. The only flaw is thatshe might become dependent on Joshua in the second half.

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Run With it-No one man is likely to be given two chances,

run with itPART 2DREAMING MADNESS(Dreams are things your heart makes, when you

are fast asleep.)Chapter 6

Magic, the Lord, a guardian angel, prayer, the reason countedbut at that moment Natasja wanted to cry to the Lord in praise.Normally, Natasja would have thought it annoying to watch people getinto the Holy Spirit but at that precise moment; she was nowhere close

to the normal Natasja. There was no normal Natasja. Literally jumpingand skipping out of the police station, she ran for the bus stop singingHallelujah. Her heart was light, her spirit free, and her being finally atrest. She felt like the world was spinning hearts and salvations. Lifecouldn’t be more pleasant.

The hearty feeling fled as quickly as it had come. The 19A wasfull, the roads bumpy with sweat rolling down from the passengers’bodies. Bumping into people as the bus made turns; Natasja wanted tocuss a million expletives but refrained. The person’s bag behind herwas poking her ruthlessly in the back. The bus was stifling hot andsmelt rather fetid. Natasja was only too happy to get off the bus at

Yamane.Walking down the sidewalk to the pedestrian, Natasja noticed

with some level of surprise that the world had continued without her. Itwas not what she usually thought about and it brought reality back intofocus. The roads were busy with lines of cars driving by. It took abouttwo minutes before the cars paused to let her cross the road. The daywas normal; it was reality and that meant that her troubles were notover as yet. The dream was her salvation, now she needed to makegood on that second chance. Life would after all continue wheneveryone was dead and gone.

Natasja quickly made her way into Broderick trying and failing to

put things in order. As she made her way to the school office, she sawLillian talking to Rebecca and Zhane. As Natasja continued to walk tothe office hoping they wouldn’t see her, Rebecca spotted her.Wandering what she was supposed to do, she looked at the office doorabout ten feet away and the girls standing about 15 feet in theopposite direction. Sending up a silent prayer, Natasja hoped thatthings would work out.

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They were looking at her like she had a disease. Biting her lip,Natasja walked to Rebecca, Zhane and Lillian. “Hey, I guess you heardabout what happened?” It sounded lame, squeaky and extremelydesperate. She couldn’t do any better, what was she supposed to say,‘I had a dream and I was saved’? That would be lunatic worthy. Lillian

gave her a rather foul look that made Natasja want to claw herdisgraceful eyes out but resisted. “We heard.”

The reply had come from Zhane. Her long dark hair was plaited,flowing down her back as usual. Her face was sphinx-like but her replydidn’t seem overly harsh. Natasja didn’t know if that was a good signand so continued to look for hints on her face. Her dark brown eyesbore through her, testing her and Natasja had no hope of passing.“Well, since you heard already I guess I don’t have to elaborate. Bytomorrow everyone will know the whole sordid story so- I am going toleave.” Natasja didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, Rebecca’s’emotions that shone so clearly in her face as Natasja was about to

leave, told her she was making a mistake; but maybe she would havemade a bigger mistake by staying. Natasja walked away.

It took forever and year. Natasja waited, trying for the first timesince coming off the bus, not to think. Things just might go better thatway. The day was wearing on her, the day’s battles all too obviouslyimprinted on her. As Natasja sat at the seating area besidereceptionist’s desk, she felt as though she was being watched,scrutinized; maybe that’s why it took forever to get through in theoffice, because they wanted to observe you. It was a scary thought butthe ludicrousness of the thought made her smile. Two minutes later, the receptionist carried her to the principal’s office

for the second time that day. The meeting wasn’t scary, just placid like cool lemonade on an

average, slow moving day; nothing news worthy. She was suspendedfrom school but she was allowed to return to sit the exams in twoweeks times. Natasja felt better knowing that she was allowed to staybut one event told her that things weren’t as easygoing as theyseemed. The principal should have warned her about her actions butshe hadn’t, she just asked about what had happened at the policestation and that she could come back for exams. It was a trap, a trapNatasja wasn’t dumb enough to fall for.

Going to the class, she collected all her belongings and left theclass. As she walked down the stairs, random students stared at her,gossiping to their friends about her. Natasja knew she partiallydeserved their malicious serpentine tongues but it still incensed her. The Sinclair’s were not coming for her; they had texted to say that shecould find her own way home. Natasja tried not to care too much, itreally didn’t matter, and she didn’t need anyone to be on her side.Even as she thought this, she knew she was lying.

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Natasja didn’t go home; she had no reason to go. She insteadcrossed the road to go to Yamane Centre where she could finally stopacting. Her whole life was a soap opera and it needed to stop, sheneeded to feel real. She needed to know that- Natasja realized not forthe first time that she was going nowhere. Melodramatics and all, she

was still lost, still searching and for the first time in her entire life, trulyalone. The truth shocked her into numbness.

As a kid bounced into her, Natasja felt reality finally knock herdown. Completely stunned, she fell to the floor with the dynamite childon top of her. A solitary tear slid down her face as the child wiggledaway from her.

“Sadie, look what you did,” said a deep yet gentle voice aboveNatasja. The voice sounded vaguely familiar but she couldn’t place it.Looking up into the speakers face, she was even more confused. Hermind must be playing tricks with her, was her only logical explanation.If she had ever seen the guy in front of her, she would have definitely

remembered, he was the black Adonis.Looking at the girl in her lap for the first time, she smiled. The

girl looked adorable, her small face contrite. “Sorry,” whispered Sadie,bending her head. Her voice was high pitched as tears flowed downher eyes. Natasja eyes widened in disbelief, the girl was crying. Gettingup fractionally to stoop before the girl, she looked at the girl andwhispered, “Hush Sadie, it’s really okay, I was not paying attentionmuch. Please don’t wrinkle your face; you’re so cute. I absolutely adoreyour dress.” Sadie face brightened like a ray of sunshine on a cloudyday, majestic, “thanks”.

Natasja couldn’t exactly explain what the girl’s smile did to her

but she knew it was great. Little Sadie, the dynamite girl wassomething special. Getting up fully, Natasja looked up into thehandsome guy’s eyes who seemed strangely silent throughout theencounter. “Cats got your tongue? My name is Natasja,” holding outher hands she introduced herself. The guy remained firmly still asthough he had seen a ghost and Natasja wondered if she did indeedknow him, that would explain his attitude. She was not after all a girl’sscout with cookies.

Withdrawing her hands, Natasja felt awkward. Changing theposition of her feet she wondered if she should just go. Maybe he wasangry that she had spoken to Sadie like that. Unsure of herself sheopened her mouth to speak but no words were uttered. Tick Tock, thetime is stuck; sighing in frustration, Natasja began to walk away. Howweird! “Hold up! Wait a second, please. I am sorry.”

More baffled than ever before, Natasja turned back around. “Umdude, it’s okay that Sadie bumped into me, I wasn’t paying attention.Later,” Turning back around, she practically trotted down to the foodcourt.

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Giovanni looked at the girl storm away, lost for words. Herecognized her but wasn’t really sure he knew her. She seemed like anelusive memory that tickled his brain, daring him to remember butunable to. Lifting up Silly Sadie, he climbed the stairs that led to thesecond floor movie theatre. Maybe some memories were better leftunrevealed.

“You need to stop causing so much trouble Ss, you are lucky youare so cute,” crooned Giovanni. He loved his sister but sometimes shewas too much hassle. Sadie smiled her endearing smile that made hereyes sparkle like stars in the sky. Little Silly Sadie represented hisfamily, sweet and loving; however harassing they may be at times.

Sadie’s hair twirled in Giovanni’s face as Sadie wiggled free.Reluctant to let her walk again, he looked around at what could havecaused her to be so hyper. It was Lillian.

Sitting down at a table by herself, Natasja tried to concentrate.She could not seem to forget the guy. He seemed nice to Dynamite Girland he looked so handsome. He would have been cool to get to knowbut he was total out of her league. He seemed dedicated and smartand hot and nice and sexy and caring and hot- hitting herself firmlywith her hardcover Math’s book; she tried to stay focused. It was notime to focus on any guy. Once bitten, twice shy… that’s what Zhanealways loved to say to Rebecca when she kept repeating her mistakes.

Thoughts of Zhane and Rebecca brought sadness to her heart.

They used to be close, they told each other everything and yet a boyhad come between them. The saddest part was that, Sean did notbreak up their friendship. Natasja had discarded their friendship byignoring them and choosing a wretched succubus of a guy over herloyal and ever devoted friends. Life was a twisted maze and Natasjastill had not found her head from her tail.

Taking out scrap paper, Natasja tried to do a practice exam atthe back of the mathematics textbook. X+Y=80… [1] ¼ X= 1/6 Y… [2]. The problems kept getting harder but once a problem made herhesitate, she looked it up in the book, working samples questions untilshe finally understood it. By six o’clock in the evening, Natasja was

exhausted, and hungry. Her brain really used a lot of food.Going to Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) she bought a meal deal.

Eating her meal by herself, she wondered about life. She had no cluewhere she wanted to be in twenty years, who knew if she would evenbe alive? Shaking her head to get rid of the thought, she took out anexercise book and tore out a page. Using a black Paper Mate pen, shewrote the heading “Aspirations for =) =” Thinking careful, she

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imagined the life she would love to have; and so it began. The finishedlist surprised the hell out of her.

Aspirations For =)=

1) To become a lawyer2) To have a good, steady job3) To have my own home4) To travel to Europe for a year*5) To have three children6) To marry a guy and we both love each other.7) To have reliable friends who will always love me for who I am

How To Get My Dream Life =)1) Pass fourth form2) Conquer fifth form

3) Demolish sixth form4) ------------------(Friends)5) Go to university6) Excel at University- get a degree

Get masters7) Find a job and stick to it8) Save money for a house9) Speak at least two languages“Curious, I see what you want you want on that sheet but how are

you going to get, you haven’t answered that as yet.” Natasja’s writinghand hitched, causing the letters to form weird. Natasja didn’t dare to

look up. She didn’t know how to react with him, she didn’t knowwhether to love or hate him. She didn’t know if she should cry orremain motionless. “Shouldn’t you be elsewhere?” Asked Natasja;unsure of her footing.

She hurriedly stuffed the paper into her bag; afraid it would revealher vulnerabilities. She heard him let out a sigh of aggravation butdidn’t say anything. They both remained silent, one not knowing whatto say, the other afraid to say anything. Finally, after what seemed likea year, Joshua spoke.” You are not supposed to answer a question witha question,” he chided gently. Rolling her eyes, wondering why he hadbothered to come over when he was so unsure of himself, Natasjareplied icily, “At least I replied.” It was obvious they weren’t going toget anywhere.

“Why did you come over here, Joshua? “ It was a serious question,Natasja seriously didn’t know. Joshua sat down on the opposite side of the table, leaning over it at Natasja. Natasja looked at him for the firsttime, desperately needing an answer. She was confused, one minuteshe hated him, the next she loved him. Joshua seemed to understand

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her dilemma. “I came over because I thought that you might wantsomeone to be on your side.” She had to bite her lip not to cry; he wasnot judging her.

“How do you know I need someone? And why would you assumethat I need you? I do have friends.” Joshua didn’t hesitate to respond

and maybe that was what caused it, “Then where are they?” he said itsoftly but the gravity of his words sunk just as deeply. He was thinkingthat in her time of need her friends had abandoned her. “They arewatching over Tatiana.

“You wouldn’t know her, she is my friend.” Natasja wasn’t sure whathad caused her to make such an outburst but the look in Joshua’s eyes,made her want to revoke the statement. His face seemed to darkeninto a silhouette, anger barely suppressed, “What is that supposed tomean?” Pressing her lips together she wondered if she should just stoptalking. “It means that you only know people who I so happen to hate,which reminds me, where is dear Lillian?” Joshua got up from his chair,

his emotions on the verge of exploding. Leaning over, just for Natasjato hear, he whispered, “Great job Natasja, you lost your two bestfriends and some other close friends, are you really willing to lose theone person who actually cares about you?” He didn’t wait for her torespond, he stormed out of the food court.

Natasja didn’t dare to think, didn’t dare to feel; she scamperedleaving all her stuff, for the only person who gave a damn about her.She didn’t know what she was thinking, she didn’t know what she wasfeeling but she knew she had to react. Running pass adults andchildren alike, Natasja misjudged a stairs distance from her andtoppled. Clenching her teeth in pain, she searched for Joshua. As faith

would have it, he was just outside collectibles, Lillian at his side.Hobbling towards the couple, she blocked out all thought, she wasn’tready to think.

Natasja felt pain ricocheting through her feet. Warning bells weresounding alarms in her head as mini hers cheered her on. Lillian lookedamused as she hobbled her way to hem while Joshua looked bothstartled and wary. Braking up before them, Natasja spoke the firstwords to come out of her mouth. “I am not sorry, I know I should beseriously sorry but I just can’t be. I told you I didn’t like Lillian from thebeginning but that didn’t stop you and that made me feel really bad.Lillian, we were ever really friends, at one point we sort of toleratedeach other but I don’t want to tolerate you, I would feel like a serioushypocrite. I don’t know what made me hate you in the first place but Iknow that you rub me the wrong way. I don’t like you two as I couple, Iabsolutely detest the idea but-“Joshua looked as though he was aboutto interrupt and so Natasja slapped his hands. “Listen, okay. As I wassaying, I really hate the ‘Lilua’ idea. The idea really sucks actually butbecause I DON’T want to lose you, I’ll be open to the idea. Please?”

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Natasja held her breath not knowing what else to add. Grandspeeches were not Natasja’s strong suit but she had tried. Joshualooked completely off kilter while Lillian face was a complete mask. InNatasja view, she wouldn’t mind if Lillian actually did wear a mask butshe wouldn’t say that, she had comprised too many friendships

already. Finally, Joshua replied, “I don’t know what to say, it is up toLillian if we can still hang out with you.” Giving Lillian a questioninglook he fell silent. Natasja couldn’t believe it; she prayed that Lillianhad a heart, silently. “You can’t possibly be serious, it is up to you Joshua, not Lillian, do not do this?” Joshua didn’t reply, he juscontinued to look at Lillian. “I am sorry Natasja but you already knowthat we can’t be friends, you eve said as much. It is over, goodbye.”

Natasja felt her world collapse around her. Her life wasn’t over, shewouldn’t be that melodramatic; but it surely just got a lot worse. Thepain in her ankle still throbbed mercilessly however, not as much asher heart. Beat after beat, her heart broke to pieces even though she

still stood but walking away as normally as possible, she knew it couldhold out much longer. Natasja no longer remembered her studies, sheo longer remember anything but the pain that spoke of hr life. Walkingaround the corner to the bathroom, she finally broke down, falling tothe floor in an ungracious heap; crying for everything that she had lost.

She had lost her family, lost he place in the class, lost her bestfriends, lost her pride, lost her families and her school mates respect,lost her place at school and most devastating of all, lost her will tosee the mess through. Her parents were crap, her life was crap andshe was crap.

She ran back to her bag one thought in mind; peace. Taking up her

bag, she ran back to her hiding place, blind to the world. She was tiredof saying sorry, she was tired of trying and failing, she was tired of being thrown away like a rag doll for making a mistake. She was tiredof being; she wanted to be dead. Emptying the content of her bag,Natasja dug in search of likely weapon. A man came out of the men’sroom looking at her strangely ad the forgetting her existence; Natasjadidn’t care for she would no longer exist. Taking out her nail clip, shecreated her weapon.

Everything happened in slow motion, every feeling intensified.Pulling out the blade, Natasja looked at its sharp, shining surface.Natasja ran the blade smoothly across hr wrist, nothing happened butthe cool metallic feel lingered as a reminder of her deceit; deceit towhom she was and deceit to all her beliefs. A thousand thoughts acedthrough her mind, all fighting for a chance to be heard. She didn’t wantto listen. She didn’t want to have second thoughts; all she wanted wasto feel the end.

Her mind wouldn’t seize, her fingers wouldn’t settle and hr beingwas irresolute. The nail shook as she lowered it to her wrist once more,

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the blade glinting ominously. Natasja felt her heart ate increase rapidlyas her being wrecked havoc, her brain in turmoil. She hated who shewas, she hated the life she lived, she hated everything about her lifebut she did not hate the people and dreams she would leave behind. The nail clip wobbled in her sweaty hand until it clattered the floor…

Natasja was gone, this time to be replaced by Natasja the diva.She was tired of lacking one quality or another. She was tired of feelinginsignificant because of others. She was tired of being a pushover. Shewas tired of wanting t fix everything. She was tired of being blamed for everything. She was tired of being too damn nice. She had not beengrown to be nice, she had been grown to be real and that how she wasgoing to start acting; like a real, tired of crap diva.

Lying down on her bed in her room, Natasja wrote in her diary. Taking out crayons from a drawer at the side of her bed she expressedher thoughts. How could she express how she wanted to not only beperceived but also want to be? She wanted to be fierce, she wanted tobe steadfast, she wanted to be free of all restraints and boundariesand she wanted to be her. All of these things that she wanted to be,she wanted to compress into four words that represented who she was,a diva. Finally, the words came and she designed them.

DeterminedInnovativeVivacious

AssertiveNatasja felt idle and decided to be quirky and little out of the

ordinary. Adding a dream bubble, she wrote the first crazy thing thatcame to her mind.

Y’all that’s me, the

mega diva called Natasja, baby!!! Watch

the stairs ‘cause it’s

about to fly!!!!!!

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Noise down below alerted Natasja that someone was home. Sheheard a little girl singing the theme song of ‘That’s So Raven’ as thetelevision turned on. Natasja loved that show, Raven, the star of theshow was psychic and her visions were almost always wrong. In aweird way, if Raven hadn’t had her visions, a lot of them wouldn’t have

even happened but because she sees it she ensures that it happens. Itwas mixed up show and that’s why she loved it so much.

Jumping off her bed, Natasja carried her diary downstairs withher to watch TV. A little girl Natasja did not recognize was ploppedcomfortable in the settee watching the episode where Raven was theSport’s reporter. “Hey, what’s your name?” The girl looked like nineyears old. She wore jeans jumpers over a plaid red and white shirt andher knotty short, dark brown hair was in two pig tails. Her shoes werethankfully missing. The girl jumped at her voice, startled. Her eyeswere huge orbs of caramel and her complexion was fair, a rusty softbrown. She looked cute.

“My name is Kylie Simons, are you related to Natalie?”Spreading out on the carpet in front of the settee Natasja respondedmildly, “You could say that, I’m Natasja. “ The introductions over, theyboth settled to watch the comedy train ride that was ‘That’s So Raven’.Laughing occasionally, they talked about what would happen next. They both had watched this episode billions of times before. By theend of the show, Kylie and Natasja were on companionable terms.

Natalie walked out of the kitchen at the beginning of the nextshow with popcorns in her hands. She looked as though she had seen aghost when she saw Natasja. Natasja realizing she was being watchedfaced her foster sister, a mocking smiling giving her a mischievous

look. “Seen a ghost lately?” Natalie looked a little deflated but didn’tmiss a beat, “I thought you would be in your room writing about howsad your life is.” Natalie faked a tear with her finger and gave anooooh expression, he finger at the side of her open mouth. “Sorry tosay, I wanted to join the party, after all, you know us criminals.” After alittle more battering by both sisters, they settled down once more towatch the movie. Kylie who had watched the battle between sisterslooked extraordinarily confused but went back to watch the movie,grateful the conflict was over.

They watched ‘Heartland’, ‘What I Like About You’ and ‘TheFuture Is Wild’ before Kylie saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stoneon Starz and begged to watch it. Natalie made Kylie beg for two wholeminutes before she changed the channel, at which point Kylie lookedpleased with her accomplishments. Natasja didn’t bother to tell Kyliethat Natalie was a Harry Potter Fanatic; she had even made up a club. That reminded Natasja that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince wascoming out on July 15 and she could not miss it for the world.

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Natasja, Kylie and Natalia talked out the first half of the movie,talking in explicit, gushing details about their favorite parts and Nataliehad to mention that next to Harry Potter, Twilight was the best movieever. Kylie agreed with her whole-heartedly, talking about how Edwardwas so sexy and cute and some serious gushing went on between the

two girls. Natasja liked Edward, okay, Natasja was totally in love withEdward but she was not a Twilight Fanatic like her peers. Harry Potterwas her love and she would not compare any movie to it; especially Twilight- glittering Vampires? Natasja settled to watching the movie,thinking Daniel Radcliff and Tom Felton were totally sexy.

Natasja was thoroughly engulfed in the show, thinking Harry wasso tragically sweet when the phone rang, shaking her out of herreverie; partially. Natalie looked royally annoyed at being interruptedfrom the movie at such a bitter sweet scene where Harry looked intothe mirror and saw his parents, Lily and James; and looked even morethunderous when she returned to living room, handing the phone over

to Natasja. “Tell your friends to call you cell next time,” huffed Natalieas she fell unceremoniously to the floor, digging into the pop corn,once again enthralled by the movie. Taking up the receiver, Natasjawalked out of the living room and into the kitchen.

“Hallo?” greeted Natasja, wondering who would be calling her.Looking around the kitchen for the time she grabbed her cell phone,she really needed to take care of her things. It was nine o’clock in thenight, which meant it had to be Kylie’s bed time. Shouting, Natasjaasked what time Kylie was supposed to go to bed. Kylie and Natalieboth replied, Kylie saying eleven o’clock, Natalie saying eight thirty.“Kylie, get ready for bed!” Jessica and Tatiana both responded into the

receiver.Natasja was extremely excited at hearing their voices, forgetting

about everything that had happened earlier, only remembering Tatianabeing hurt. “Tats are you okay, are you still in hospital? Jess are youthere with her?” Natasja had forgotten to ask which hospital Tatianawas staying at and she could have been at her friend’s side. “Tahj, stopasking so many questions, I’m okay, nothing really major, Jessica is nothere with me, the doctor’s are saying that I have to stay here for aweek.

What happened to you though, I heard that you were arrested.Nothing bad happened right and please tell me those two brats havebeen locked up.” Natasja told them everything that had transpiredearlier excluding the suicide attempt; she really didn’t need a pityparty. “Oh My Gosh, you are suspended? I’m sorry I didn’t call Tahj; it’s just that things happened so fast and my mother picked me up earlyand stuff. I can’t believe Joshua did such a thing. It is really gross anddisgusting,” scolded Jessica, thoroughly annoyed at both herself and Joshua. “Ease off the guilt trip Jess, it is totally okay. By the way, I think

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that Traci and Taylor are having fun. Taylor totally fell into a toiletduring the fight; both of them are never going to show their faces atBroderick ever again. “Tatiana, Jessica and Natasja began laughing andstarted talking about trivial stuff.

“MJ is dead,” Tatiana said this and the trio abruptly stopped

speaking. Michael Jackson on was a legend; he was the KING OF POP,no questions asked. Everyone in the world knew at least half of hissongs and loved his music. “You can not be serious!” exclaimed Jessicahoarsely, “I got tickets to his concert in England.” We all knew it wasn’tthe tickets Jessica was on the verge of crying over; no girl could resistMJ’s charm. All the things people said he did plus the fact that heturned himself white like snow could not prevent girls from fallingdesperately in love with him. “Are you sure Tats? That’s kind of notfunny” “I’m serious, it’s on the local news, not to mention internationalnews.” If it was on the local news then it was fact. The news goteverything late plus true. The trio had a moment of silence for the

legend.“I’m just turned the television to MTV hits, they are playing

Michael’s songs. I love The Man in the Mirror. Awh!” There was nostopping it, Jessica burst out crying, Natasja and Tatiana followed suiteafter about three seconds of trying to act tough.

After talking a little while longer, they hung up the phone.Natasja felt totally lost, she hadn’t thought of Michael Jackson reallywith all of the rape allegations, she surely hadn’t thought of him dyingin a million years. Everything was just so sudden. Life was so short andshe guessed if you wanted something to happen, you would have to just do it. Life was uncertain, the future wild, if you want something…

run for it, dream for it, live for it and most importantly, never backdown. Everyone is born with obstacles to face, challenge and conquer,others gets them as life goes on, those challenges, we have a choice toface and choice to leave… Natasja was ready to face her obstacles andfinally conquer.

Rebecca, Zhane, Joshua, Brenda, Taylor, Kasha and others hadall been her friends, had all helped her get through one obstacle oranother and she was not about to lose them. The only person orpersons who helped her who she may never be able to thank was theperson who had carried her to the hospital when she had fallenunconscious and the person who had stayed at her bedside until herparents had come. Natasja needed to thank her sister also for visitingher in hospital; they hadn’t exactly been close.

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Life is Short, Or is it(Life is short, we never know when it is going to

end but is it really short? With all the twists, the turnsand the malfunctions, once you have your friendsand everything is copasetic maybe we will realize,it’s longer than we think.)

Chapter 7

Natasja studied like a nerd and mended bridges like aconstruction worker. Determined to do everything by the books, shestudied, her compass finally working; she was headed north, to safety.Every time Natasja wasn’t studying, she was either talking to herfriends on the phone when her parents weren’t looking- because they

had grounded her, or playing a game with Natalie. Natalie and Natasjawere getting closer as the days passed by; they studied together,played together and fought together. Life was getting good buthopefully not good enough.

On the Friday before Natasja was supposed to go back to school,Natasja and Natalie played Truth or Dare. It was Natalie’s turn. “Truthor Dare?” Natalie seemed to consider the question for ally of twoseconds before replying eagerly, “Truth.” Natasja didn’t know what toask her, it couldn’t be something easy, that she could always figureout. “Do you-How- Okay, I got one- Of all the guys you have ever liked,tell me the one you prefer most and why?” As usual, Natalie took very

little time answering it, “Chase McDonnell. I had a crush on him abouttwo months ago. He was so sweet, I mean, he was just not like theother guys I normally like. He made me feel special. Now that I thinkabout it, I still like him but he is not interested in me.”

Natasja didn’t have a clue who this Chase guy was but itsounded like her sister had it hard for the guy. “How do you know thathe is not interested, I mean, why don’t you flirt with him or do that sortof thing you normally do to get a guys attention?” Natalie blew out abreath slowly, and explained what Natasja so obviously did not know.“Haven’t you been listening, he is different, he is like really nice andsweet and caring and he isn’t into girls like me. Anyways, I think he is

dating someone.” Natalie looked so love sick and very beaten. Natasjadidn’t know why she said it but it just came out, “Just like he is notyour normal type and you like him, you may not be his normal typeand he likes you. Tell me where I can find this guy and I will try to hookyou two up.” After about two minutes of explaining who the guy wasand where Natasja could find him, they forgot about the game andstarted talking about their love lives or in Natasja’s case, the lackthereof.

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Studying… make’s me ill, so, so ill…. History has come again…Natasja couldn’t study; it was nearly impossible; all she wanted to dowas move. She wanted jump out of her bed and run up and down, orscream, or laugh or just let go. It didn’t matter as long as she didn’thave to study. Playing martyr, she ignored her longings and focused on

the Geography book in front of her. The last time she been studyingthe gross Geography, she had wished for a better life. The better lifehadn’t come and now here she was once again. The only differencethis time was that she wasn’t wishing for a better life, she was going tomake a better life. Simple, short and most dog-doggedly sweet; thatwhat her plan was.

Flipping page after page, she absorbed information like asponge. She wouldn’t fail; she wouldn’t pass… Natasja Cassia Nicosiawas going to excel. Drawing and labeling diagrams, memorizingdefinitions, her head buzzed surrender; she needed a break.

It was Sunday afternoon and Natasja was a wreck. She was

nervous and excited and anxious… she didn’t know whether to hide orto run… she still had a few more hours to decide. Settling down in thekitchen to make a lemonade drink, she thought of the mysteriousChase, at least there was one thing she could look forward to doing. Itwas her first mission for her sister and she didn’t want to disappointher.

On your Marks- that’s how it felt to Natasja, as she got ready forschool. She felt as though she was at the starting line, about to begin arace but to her consternation and complete horror, she didn’t knowhow long the race was. Determined, if clueless, she got dressed, atebreakfast and was shipped out of the house by Mr. Sinclair and Natalie.

“Good luck, “whispered Natalie about an hour later as Mr. Sinclairturned into Natasja’s school. They hadn’t spoken to each otherthroughout the journey and the blessing only served to increase heranxiety. Kissing her sister on the cheek she told her thanks andrejoined the real world, where no one was going to be there to soften ablow when it came headed her way.

Natasja went to class, not ready to be harassed but havingnowhere else to wander to. All chatter ceased as she walked into herclass, everyone staring at her. Giving a fake smile to signal everythingwas okay, Natasja found her seat. Getting all her thing togetherNatasja rested her bag on the floor. The class didn’t seem to get themessage as persons still stared blatantly at her. Annoyance bloomed inthe pit of her stomach but she wouldn’t let her emotions control her.Get Set.

A female teacher walked into our classroom with an authoritativedemeanor; judgment time. Natasja felt a bead of sweat running downher back, she didn’t feel ready. The teacher introduced herself as Mrs.Ryrie and instructed the class to place folder paper, pens, pencils and

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a stapler on their respective desks and place their bags and otherunnecessary things at the front. The class seemed agitated but noneso much as Natasja. Her head burnt as it drummed incessantly. Maybeshe wasn’t ready yet.

The Geography exam began, her fears both warranted and

unwarranted. The questions varied…all required great thought.Memorizing information without understanding the information wouldhave ensured failure and Natasja was beyond gratefully for her abilityto interpret what she read. Answering question after question, Natasjafinally met her demise, map reading and more specially sketchdrawing. Fiddling the with the pencil in her hand, she thought of skipping the question and sure enough, that was what he would havedone if she hadn’t seen the mark awarded to that one, solitaryquestion; 15 marks. Pummeling her head into the desk before her, sheanswered the question, praying for at least half of the mark. Questionscame after that which Natasja was very unsure over but biting her lip

and closing her hand more firmly around the pencil, she answeredeach question. Closing her eyes at the end of the exam, shewhispered, “Forte… the brave may falter but never yield.”

Go. Natasja couldn’t believe she had done it; she had done herGeography exam. Her head felt light, her heart aflutter, everything feltright. Truthfully, Natasja didn’t know how she did on the exam but atleast she knew she did it. “Jessica, Tatiana, hold up!” shouted Natasjaeagerly, she needed to do something and she would need help. Jessicaand Tatiana looked as forlorn as Natasja had ever seen the pair. “Whatare you so happy about?” Noticing that it might not be the best time toseem on top of the world, she got straight to the point, “I need your

help with something.” Not giving the two all the information but whatwas absolutely necessary, Natasja decided that maybe this week mightnot be so bad afterwards.

Trace Tables, stupid tray tables… Natasja wanted to scream.Information Technology was the second exam for the day and it hadcompletely murdered her. Half the stuff that was on the exam wasn’teven in the textbook, she had checked…Skipping sections had beenthe order of the exam, do this section, skip this, do next section, skipthat… it had been a lousy, intolerable cycle that Natasja hadn’t knownhow to break. Jessica, Tatiana and Natasja were at one in theirexpressions…murderous. If they heard a next class chatting about howeasy the IT exam was, they were going to explode.

The exams inched by slowly. Exams presented themselves inmany forms, all made to trick and deceive the recipients. Someappeared easy to Natasja until she checked the marks awarded to thatsimple question and leaped away in fright. That was what happened onthe last day of exams when Natasja was both anxious andapprehensive to do the History exam. The exam was divided into three

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parts: 10 multiple-choice questions, a short answer section, and thegruesome essay section. Prepared to do the Russian Revolution alongwith World War1, which was worth twenty-five marks out of a possiblefifty marks. However, upon answering the first two sections withoutmuch difficulty, the heartache began. She was unable to explain a

section under the Russian Revolution that was worth 15 marks. Tomake matters worse, Natasja was not confident that she could answerall questions in the WW1 section appropriately. For one particularquestion under WW1 it asked a question Natasja had no difficultyanswering in a couple of sentences but the question was worth 8valuable marks. The tragedy began where Natasja had to makechoices that could end up ruining the exam for her.

By the end of the last day, Natasja felt sorely tested. Natasjarested her head on her desk at the end of her final exam- Mathematics.Her head pounded as possible errors floated through her mind. Allsixteen exams that Natasja took seemed to cackle ominously in her

mind, as her head began to throb harshly, claiming inevitable failure.Natasja didn’t want to imagine failing a single exam because she knewthat it would be the end of her time at Broderick and she couldn’t bearto leave after going through so much hardship. Still, in moments of weakness the offending thoughts ran around in her head causingNatasja to feel a great magnitude of fear and apprehension; her worldrevolved around the exams she had done in that week and it scaredher more than she could ever say.

As the invigilator collected the papers Natasja felt unwantedtears threatening to fall to her face; weakening her. It was almost asthough the exam was the final straw, the point where she couldn’t take

any more hardships. Natasja didn’t know why she felt so weak andvulnerable but she knew without a doubt that she was going to breakdown in a matter of moments. She needed to leave, she couldn’t allowanyone to see her like this, as unprotected as a newborn baby.

Natasja felt torn and exhausted. Now that exams were over, shefelt lost, inadequate and insubstantial with nothing to do and nothingto look for. Her life was empty, a black canvas that was smudgedbeyond recognition that nothing was left but a blur; nothing real. So farshe had screwed up her life and nothing was really left but the carcassof dreams that she would most likely have to give up and friends shehad lost in her journey to be wanted and accepted; irony sucked.Crying into her arms in a fetal position in the bathroom stall, the tearsgates exploded as Natasja found herself with nothing before her andeverything behind her.

“Tahj?” whispered a barely recognizable voice. Natasja didn’thear her at first but as a knocking sounded at the stall door, she liftedher head in surprise and then her face clouded in confusion and lost

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dreams. It was Rebecca, her timid, caring being sounding as though itwere afraid to speak above a whisper soft tenor. Natasja didn’t knowhow to respond or if she should respond; she didn’t know what to do. “Iknow you are there, Tahj” spoke Becca taking a deep breath beforeshe continued in a firmer voice, finally getting her bearings, “ Please,

Tahj what’s wrong? You know you can trust me.” Natasja remainedresolutely still, unsure of what to do.

In a softer voice that Natasja didn’t hear, she whispered whatshe had been afraid to say before, “I want to help you; you’re my bestfriend.” Rebecca’s admission was left unheard as Natasja replied, “I amokay Rebecca, and if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t tell you. You should go back toyour friends before they find you missing.” Opening the door toemphasize her brutally stated lie, she saw Rebecca’s turmoil clearlyprinted on her face and continued in a softer voice, “I after all am justgarbage, you are the class pet, someone who will always be loved

unlike me.” Tears flowed down both girls’ faces as Natasja tried to get rid of

Rebecca and Rebecca tried to console her friend only to feel shunned.Natasja saw Rebecca’s indignation but she was like a guy on hisdeathbed, with nothing to lose and only heartache and suffering toendure. “I needed you, Becca but you were too weak to notice, Zhanetoo stubborn to help. You knew better than anyone else and you leftme with no one in my corner. I deserted you, I admit, I didn’t recognizeyou in the euphoria of a fake happiness over finding a guy but yougave me up and spared my heart when you replaced me with Lillian,didn’t bother to call me when you found out I had been in hospital ,

you chose to lose me; when all along I needed you! I needed my bestfriends to see that I was still there, I was still beneath all of the foulwrappings and you didn’t see, you didn’t want to see. I could have verywell died did you know that? I almost died near Hellshire. I neededsupport, I needed protection but what I found was abandonment andcomplete desertion.

So leave, I don’t blame you for everything that happened to mebut you could have at least called me once and you didn’t. That’s all Ineeded, just one call and guess what? The stupid call didn’t come. SoLeave, goodbye. I need no one. I came into this world by my self and Iwill leave that way!” Natasja stormed, crying and practically throwingthe words at fragile, innocent Rebecca without care. She had passedher limit, she was beyond this, she was beyond caring, and she wasbeyond believing anyone would actually care. Who needed people,who needed to live? Natasja didn’t.

Rebecca flamed, all innocence abandoned as rage anger andfalse accusation hit her. Tears flowed down her face of pain of hopelessness and of pure disbelief. “Are you serious? Do not dare

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accuse me like that!” Rebecca screamed furiously as she crumpled tothe floor in pain. “I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT YOU IF YOUHAD’NT THOUGHT US NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU AND EVEN AFTER THAT YOU GAVE A STUPID, PHONY APOLOGY TO ZHANE AND I. YOUWERE AND STILL ARE NO MATTER WHAT FOOLISH, INCONCEIVABLE

GARBAGE YOU DO OR DID, MT BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTERAND YOU Betrayed me. OKAY?

YOU REPLACED ME AND ZHANE WITH JESSICA AND TATIANA ANDGUESS WHO ENDED UP GETTING YOU ON THE FRONT LINE FORGETTING AN EXPULSION, IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS TATIANA. AND EVENSO, YOU WERE NEVER ALONE; THOSE TWO GIRLS ACTUALLY DO CAREABOUT YOU. ANYTIME YOU EVER FEEL TO RAMPAGE LIKE A COMPLETE JACK BUNNY DO NOT SAY THAT YOU ARE ALONE. PEOPLE HAVEALWAYS GIVEN YOU A SECOND CHANCE AND YOU KEEP WASTING IT,NEVER ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE AND NEVER REALIZING THAT YOUHAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND WOULD

WILLINGLY FIGHT YOUR BATTLES FOR YOU!”Rebecca looked crazy, her body shaking as though she were

going through an epilepsy and Natasja sat down there on the bathroomfloor, forced to listen to the quietest girl she had ever met screamingher lungs out furiously to what Natasja should have known long ago.“You are an ungrateful, unappreciative girl who had everything EXCEPTthe decency to cherish it.” Swiping her hands over her eyes to wipe off the tears, she shook her head sadly at Natasja and left the bathroom.

(Zhane)Zhane watched as Natasja sprinted out of the class, trying not to

care that something might be wrong. She didn’t feel that bad lookingaway, Natasja was only bad news. Packing up her own things, Zhaneengaged Lillian into conversation.

When Rebecca came back in after following Natasja, with tearsclearly marked down her face; Zhane tried to comfort her. Zhaneknew without asking that Natasja had done serious damage to themeek and gentle Rebecca and she couldn’t help. It was nearlyimpossible to imagine Rebecca ever recovering but she said nothing sodream-shattering. What was going to happen to her dearest friend?

If Natasja could hear what was Rebecca lasts thoughts beforeleaving the bathroom she would have known that Natasja had alwaysbeen her role model, her anchor, her support, her best friend and theone person so far who could make her scream her heart out. However,Natasja could not hear such thoughts and could only ponder Rebecca’swords as she did what she found herself doing so often- falling into apit of self-misery.

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Life sucked but it would always continue to drive on. Pickingherself from off the floor she scrubbed her face with her hands andsoap water. “Are you done making an ass of yourself?” The querycaught her off guard as she soaped her face up causing her eyes topop open in alarm. She hadn’t known anyone was in the bathroom.

Natasja winced in pain as soap escaped her lashes to enter her eyes.Barking out a mild expletive, she washed her face off without saying aword. Would she ever get a break?

“Why do you always have to make such stupid mistakes?” askedthe quite familiar voice again. Looking up hesitantly, Natasja sawBrenda. Brenda looked exactly the same as she normally did butNatasja could tell that they weren’t as close as before. “I don’t knowwhat you are talking about, Bre but get a grip.” Disgust briefly marredBrenda’s pretty, golden honey complexion, but it quickly vanished,leaving a steely certainty in her eyes. Natasja felt uncertain for the firsttime around her timid, tomboyish friend and she didn’t exactly like it.

“What’s going on Brenda? You don’t look too good.” A sad, almostpitying smile crossed Brenda’s face as she replied casually, “Don’tworry Tahj; I’ll definitely get a grip.”

Shocked, bewildered, confused, uncertain…all those emotionsvanished as cold terror seized her, dumb. Brenda dragged Natasja untothe sink counter, pushing her head into the sink. Natasja’s mindseemed to go in slow motion as she saw the white sink right in front of her eyes, the drain the centre point of her vision. Water spurted untoher hair and Natasja felt the cool, water slither down her face and intoher eyes, nose and mouth; successfully blinding and gagging her.Coughing up the water, Natasja tried to twist free of her restraint but

Brenda pulled on her, giving her a mild reprieve as water seized to flowthrough her hair.

“Tahj, help me out here. I’m trying to help you but I don’t knowhow….why do you continuously try to hurt the people who like you?”came Brenda’s slightly muffled query. Through the fog that wasforming inside of Natasja’s head, realization suddenly struck. “Youidiot…couldn’t you have found a better way to lecture me? I hatewater!” Dunking her head once more into the sink, Brenda ensuredthat the water went directly into her face. Spluttering unintelligibly,Natasja began to cry. When Brenda finally lifted her head up a fewminutes later, Natasja felt hopeless and completely vulnerable. “Whydo this to me? Why torture me? I’ve done nothing to you!” croakedNatasja, trying to gain valuable air. Brenda stepped back slightly,allowing Natasja to turn around. “Bitch…you might not think you hurtanyone but what about your best friends? What about your classmates,what about Joshua? What about everyone who cares for you? “

“Rebecca might have left you to ponder or whatever but I’m notleaving. I’m not going to watch you hurt someone else.” Swiveling

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around violently Natasja pushed Brenda to the floor. “I really don’t carefor anything you have to say okay. I really thought you were my friendbut which friend of mine would try to use water as a weapon againstme knowing that I hate water. I have nearly drowned about 3 timesand I don’t need your help accomplishing the task, so just back the hell

off and leave me alone.” Blood ran down the corner of Brenda’s mouthbut Natasja couldn’t take anymore drama. She stormed out of thebathroom with her school bag and went over to Yamane center.

Natalie was not going to pay the price for her not being totallyhappy and bountiful; she was going to get her a date. Cleaning herself up in the Yamane bathroom first, she bought herself a large fries atKFC with a small grape soda, she began her investigation. Lookingaround the seating area, Natasja tried to look for a guy with dark hair,smoky blue eyes that saw into your soul and a tall athletic build. Thedescription left much to be desired because there were countless darkhaired guys around the place and she really did not want to go soul

searching.Searching aimlessly, her eyes locked on a familiar face, it was

the guy with the familiar voice. Natasja found that she just couldn’tbear to take her eyes off the black Adonis. A tad bit embarrassed ashis eyes met hers, she tried to think of something else apart from theway he looked. Biting her lip in concentration, she tried hard to focusbut it was hard. Suddenly a drop dead gorgeous guy with all thequalifications to match Chase went to the black Adonis’ table. Oh crap!

Breaking the stare fest up, she took a seat. Calling Natalie on herphone she quickly gave the description of the guy she had just seenalong with seeing a black Adonis. Natalie confirmed that it might just

be Chase and Natasja had to hang up as she went into a babblingspree about how great the guy was. Natasja opened her diary from herbag momentarily, she wrote down a quote. July 31,2009, If you’re pushed into an uncomfortable corner, don’t get too comfy, fight back.

Taking in a deep, fortifying breath, Natasja walked over to thetable that had about five guys in Calabar, KC and or George’s uniforms.Black Adonis and possible Chase McDonnell were among the group of guys. “Um, sorry to interrupt you guys, but could I have a sec?” Shehad the unmistakable urge to scratch her forehead and knees as shestood up before the guy’s table, totally nervous. The guys gave her their attention, a Calabar guy who lookedreasonably attractive but had a huge nose smirked, disgracefully.Desperately wanting to roll her eyes after the idiot she turned toChase, firmly ignoring BA. Let’s get it over with, she thought.

“Um, could I speak with you for sec?” asked Natasja, hoping likehell that he wouldn’t be a jerk. All the time she pleaded with her eyesshe firmly kept her eyes away from the guy who really had herattention. “Hey, you are that girl my sister knocked into, right?”

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Cursing a million expletives in her head, she turned her gaze towardsBA. How come people seem to talk to you when you so desperatelywanted them to be ignorant idiots? “Yeah, I totally forgot about that…wow, I’m Natasja,” she replied politely holding out her hand to shakehis. He looked at her, a curious, almost detached atmosphere

surrounding him. “Giovanni, I am sorry about my sister.” Chase gotup from his seat and as he excused himself I walked back to my seat.

Feeling much more comfortable with him by himself, Natasjarelaxed visibly. “Wow that was awkward. I want to ask you to themovies… so I guess I should ask… Do you maybe want to go to themovies on Saturday?” stumbled Tahj, maybe she was still a bitnervous. Chase smiled, not exactly believing what he was hearing. “Iam shocked, and I am happy you asked but you are not my type,”replied Chase ever-so sweetly. Natasja forced a smile but after abouttwo seconds it became real as she burst out laughing. Things weregoing magnificently wrong. “I am sorry; really, I gave you the wrong

impression there. I am not interested in you that way; you are safe onthat score. I can’t really explain what I was asking you but just pleasesay yes. Pretty please and I am not, do not think I am begging a date. Iwould feel totally embarrassed.” “Sure, at 7 o’clock.”

Relief flooded Natasja, “thank you. You will not regret it. Oh andis your friend Gio dating anyone?”

(Chase)

“…Oh and is your friend Gio dating anyone?” If Chase hadn’tbeen shocked before, he certainly was now. What was going on with

this girl? Chase had only accepted the date because he didn’t want herto feel too bad, she looked at little damaged to him. Not in a psychoticway, she seemed genuinely nice but seemed to have gone throughsome serious hardship. He was not really sure what she was getting atand so replied cautiously, “Maybe, why do you ask?”

“Forget it, later, thanks for saying yes. It’s going to be anawesome blind date, I promise!” Blind date?! Taking up her stuff, thegirl hurried up the stairs before he could call to her. What had hegotten himself into?

Informing his friends about what had just transpired, he becamea little curious. Who had he just accepted a date with?

Happy to have finally done something nice for her sister, shewalked over to the bus stop. Natasja was happy that today hadn’t beena totally messed up day, only a mega swirly roll coaster that hadthreatened her sanity. The great thing was that helping her sistermeant more to her than fighting with some of her close friends. Atleast she had fries to cheer her mood up.

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Looking up the road, she checked if any buses were coming butwhat she saw made her overly-wary. Brenda. Rolling her eyesheavenwards, she prayed the lord would remove the girl from her lineof sight before she pounded her. At the moment, Natasja hated Brendaand thought of her as a malicious reptile that didn’t care if she broke

her friend’s only barrier. Turning around, she hissed her teeth. Brenda,who had never taken a bus in her entire privileged life was heading toher bus stop, WTH did she want?

“Natasja, your friend is upstairs in her class bawling her face out,will you please help her?” The malice in her voice was barelycontrolled, her face a cool mask of inquiry. Natasja didn’t respond, shetold herself that she didn’t care that she hurt anyone; they deserved it.“Natasja, listen to me, your friend needs you more than she has everneeded you before, help her.” There was an unmistakable edge to hervoice, a pleading desperation evident in her eyes. “Go away and if youcare so much, help her yourself. My bus will be here any minute.”

Natasja saw the threatening gleam, barely concealed in Brenda’seyes, the way her face hardened into a stony unrepentant, mask;Brenda was on the verge of losing control. Rolling her eyes inannoyance she decided to stop the fracas. “Okay, I will call Rebecca.Happy?” A sneer so evil, Natasja had to step back in fear crossedBrenda’s usually peaceful face making her look like death’sreincarnated. ‘Woo girl, back off a little. Take a deep breath.”

Before Natasja could utter a next word, she was draggedunceremoniously across the street and into Yamane to the food court,avoiding the blatantly curious pedestrians at the bus stop with them.

Natasja looked at Brenda, question written all over her face.

Brenda gave a humorless laugh at her ignorance…at her utterremarkable lack of character. “Darling, you were not the only persongoing through hardship in your class, Zhane was, Tatiana was, man, alot of people needed you. I needed you but you were so wrapped up inyour own troubles that you didn’t notice the world wasn’t revolvingaround you.” Natasja rolled her eyes, not trying to listen, first Rebeccaand now Brenda. Who else would curse her for her selfishness?

Natasja decided to humor her ex-friend. “How precisely did all of these people need me?” A look of pained rejection flitted acrossBrenda’s face as though she had lost something very dear to her andNatasja became contrite wondering what was she had done so terriblywrong to her oldest friend. “Brenda, what did I do wrong?” Natasjawanted to heal her friend’s clear pain but didn’t know precisely how orif she should at all. Had she really abandoned them, in their time of need? The thought hurt more than any dagger could have, she couldclearly see that she had and now Rebecca was destroyed emotionally.“Oh God.”

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Natasja head fell to unto the table in distress; she was drowningin a pit of her own making. Sobs struggled mightily in her chest but shedidn’t deserve to sob, it was time to stop being a self-centered ass andlook what she was doing to the people around her. The story Brendatold her was enough to make her want to sentence herself to prison in

a straight jacket. Pain, not for her, but for her friends engulfedNatasja’s wounded heart crushing her lungs of all air and making herfeel wretched.

Brenda told her about how Rebeca was failing languages andhow her father beat her ill because of her grades. Brenda didn’t tellNatasja that she could have helped Rebecca like she normally did withher homework and studying; she only recited the gruesome facts.Zhane had a hard time helping Rebecca because she was busy withher SBA’s and CXC’s in two subjects. Rebecca was hard to teachbecause she thought she knew everything and Natasja was the onlyone with the time and patience to teach her but she was there and

now Rebecca was struggling with her SBA’s, flunking them in fact.Without the SBA’s she couldn’t do her CXC’s and she couldn’t graduateor go to college. Rebecca was doomed and Natasja had been her oneanchor that had drifted far out of reach.

There was a moment of silence as Natasja digested theinformation, as she stumbled through her own grave. Looking atBrenda, she felt all her anguish diminishing to leave her sad andforlorn with questions still hanging in the air. “Brenda, what happenedto you?” Natasja tried to make it sound light and casual as shecontinued, “What would make sensible Brenda, here, lose her coolenough to almost drown an aqua phobic girl, huh?” Brenda previously

with her eyes looking distant and pained looked up slowly at Natasjawith the saddest, most heartbreaking smile on her face as she replied,“You.

Just as how Rebecca needed you, I needed you but in a differentway. I didn’t need your help or you pity, what I needed from you wasto be there and tell me I was doing okay. That’s all I ever needed fromyou.” Natasja felt her jaws drop open in surprise and she had goodreason to, Brenda needed no one, she was strong, determined and un-self-conscious. “You are kidding me right?” “No, I am not, you mightnot realize it but the way you were before was good enough foreveryone around you. You were the only one who felt you needed tochange; we loved you for being you and helping out people and havingyour little sarcastic humor. It was you.” Natasja felt a different type of sadness, a nicer kind of sadness. She was sad because she was sorryshe didn’t see that she was okay.

Before either of them could think of something else that neededto be said, they hugged like two sailors finding shore after a terrible

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storm. They sat thereat the table, weeping in each other’s arms. Theghost was clear.

“So what are you going to do?” Natasja and Brenda walked out of Yamane Center together. Natasja felt dazed as though too many thingswere happening in too little time and her brain wasn’t able to cope

with the data. “What do you mean?” Brenda looked at her sternly, thesensible, reliable friend back where she belonged. Natasja smiled, thesun no longer shone brightly on her face, she had to correct a fewmishaps. “I’m not sure how things are going to go with me but I havethis friend that you may know and she needs me greatly,” sheremarked slyly with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She wasn’tdead yet. Brenda smiled knowingly, “Then what are you waiting for?”Natasja really didn’t know.

How far will you go ?

(Life is funny, life is complicated, life isgruesome, and life tortures; but is it worth all yourenergy? You decide)

Chapter 8(Rebecca)Rebecca felt totally and utterly depleted. Her life was taking a

major turn for the worse and she didn’t know how to stop it. She knewshe couldn’t blame Natasja for her own incompetence. She was afailure and her family knew it, she knew it and even though Zhanedidn’t say it, she knew it too. What was she going to do? She had lost

her friend, she had lost her main confidante, she had fallen down in herwork dramatically, and she had failed her SBA’s. What more couldpossibly go wrong?

Crying made her head hurt painfully and that caused her to crymore. She wasn’t alone, she knew that, but Zhane was restricted,bound, and unhelpful to say the least. Zhane desperately wanted tohelp but she blocked herself from everyone in such a way that no onecould reach her fully. She had an emotional wall around herself. Shecould laugh, she could tell jokes, and she could be mean but wheneversomeone got too close, barriers as big as the Mississippi River wouldform around her. Rebecca knew that Zhane couldn’t block her out

completely, but enough to make her feel desolate.“I am doomed,” squeaked Rebecca tearfully. She couldn’t look

forward to a bright future; she couldn’t look forward to too much of anything. She had grown up privileged, pampered by everyone whomet her. She was like a baby to everyone, nothing more, incapable of being anything else. Any chance she had to change people’s opinion of her was gone.

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Someone cleared his or her throat behind her; Zhane who sawthe person hugged Rebecca tighter. “I owe alot of people an apologybut before I go on a repentance spree, I need to talk to Rebecca.”Natasja stood in the doorway, afraid to walk inside her own classroom;her classmates were crowding around Rebecca like an army, Zhane

the commander. Staying extremely close to the tearful Rebecca,Zhane demanded, “Don’t you think you owe Rebecca one? Look at herand its all because of you and your self-centered preoccupations. Goaway!” Looking at Rebecca who looked like a half drowned rat in astorm, Natasja felt her heart turning over, Natasja almost turned tailedand left ut she could not. She had to help her friend; she had not beencursed twice in one hour and nearly drowned to back out. “I am notleaving until I tell Rebecca something. Zhane just ease off a little,huh?”

Rebecca sat there, surrounded by her class and yet knowing shewas alone, they wouldn’t be there for her in a month, they wouldn’t be

there for her in a year, they would be gone by summer’s end; forgottenlike a summer’s fling. She was wary of what Natasja had to say to her,she was afraid that by walking out that door, she would find that therewas no ground and she would fall, finally fall, with no way of gettingback up. It all counted down to whether or not she wanted to stay inher little cocoon, knowing it was tenacious at best or walk out that doorand talk to Natasja, knowing she was likely to be more devastated. Itall came up to that one choice. She knew that she should stay, thatwas what she would have done normally but now she realized that sheneeded to be there for herself…so what was her choice?

“Thanks, Zhane, thanks guys, I am gonna check out what Tahj

has to say.” Getting up with as much determination as she couldmuster, Rebecca walked out of her class and into a world of uncertainty.

Natasja didn’t know how things would work out but she knew shehad to figure something out. Rebecca was depending on her. Fourthform results were out. Looking at them dismally, she tried to getanswers for questions she did not know.

Class: 4-3 Amount of Students in class: 40Position in Class: 40Term: Summer TermPercentage: 61%

Subject T E Con Teacher’s Comment

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er m

x am

duct

Mathematic

s

8

0%

5

6%

4 Inconsistent performance.

EnglishLanguage

70%

72%

4 Needs to pay attention in class.

EnglishLiterature

9

2

%

43%

4 Needs to do her own work.

Spanish 7

5%

7

6%

2 Strive for excellence instead of

mediocre.

French 1%

70%

3 Needs to do her own work,capable of excellence.

Biology 9

0

%

34%

4 Needs to be more attentive.

Chemistry 56%

45%

4 Lazy and not willing to participate.

Physics 60%

52%

4 Capable of delivering great results but laziness hinderseffort.

Informationtechnology

9

0

%

8

9

%

1 Continue to strive for excellence.

Geography 78

%

67

%

2 Capable of much more.

Term: 20% Exam70% Conduct10%Conduct: 1-excellent 2-very good 3-needs improvement 4- poor

Principal’s comments::

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Rebecca is capable of doing well but her personality hinders her potential gravely. Performance is not satisfactory to remain at Broderick Academy. It is hoped that Rebecca will learn from previous mistakes and to try to succeed in future endeavors.

Name: Natasja Nicosia Cassia Class: 4-3Amount of students in class: 40Position in class: 25 Term: SummerPercentage: 75%

Subject Term Exam Conduct Teachers’ Comments

Mathematics

87% 95% 1 Strive for excellence.

EnglishLanguage

70% 87% 4 Needs to stay focused.

EnglishLiterature

60% 88% 4 Needs to pay attention inclass.

Spanish 67% 100% 4 Capable of more.

French 78% 99% 4 A less than satisfactoryterm from an excellentlinguist.

Biology 70% 90% 4 Capable of doing muchmore

Chemistr

y

80% 85% 4 Capable of doing much

morePhysics 60% 70% 4 Mediocre attempts from a

excellent student

Informationtechnolog y

70% 85% 4 Intelligent student notwilling to put out the effort

Geograph y

60% 80% 2 A brilliant last attempt buta dismal all rounder. Strivefor excellence.

Term: 20% Exam70% Conduct10%Conduct: 1-excellent 2-very good 3-needs improvement 4- poor

Principal’s comments::

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Natasja has proven over the years to be a diligent and capablestudent and this term’s report has come as a shock as she iscapable of much more. Natasja needs to stay focused andabsolutely needs to stay out of trouble in the future. It has been adisgraceful term on the part of Natasja and hopefully next year she

will strive to be the old Natasja. Natasja is currently on a warning;one foul move and she will be expelled.

Rebecca seemed to have been doing better in the term than inthe actual exams, which meant that she had cheated. Natasja didn’treally want to mull over her sordid grades. The fact of the matter wasthat Rebecca was expelled and Natasja was staying. No matter howdifficult the months ahead would be, Natasja couldn’t allow Rebecca tofight alone.

“Tahj, what are you thinking?” Natasja looked up from her bed to

see Natalie at the door of her room. Rolling over to make space for heron the bed, Natasja sat up. “Just wandering a bit about school,” shewaved her right hand in a careless fashion. “So, what’s up with youand that guy, Chase?” asked Natasja, changing the subject. Natalietook the hint.

Natalie told her about how the movies went and how Chase wasso sweet and caring. “It was the best date ever, thanks a mil,” gushedNatalie merrily, hugging her sister like a straight jacket. “Ease off, I’dlike to live!” joked Natasja, not minding the hug at all. “What did youdo? At first he looked shocked that I was his date and then he seemedrelieved!” Natasja smiled, she could only imagine the scene. “Let’s

just say, Chase was very easy to mislead and happily, muy compassionate!”

The two sisters bavardent a while longer as they gossiped abouttheir love lives or in Natasja’s case, lack thereof; and simply had fun.Natasja felt happy to be in her sister’s lively company but she knewshe had work to do. Ending the conversation on a chirpy note, Natasjaclaimed fatigue.

Four weeks later.

“Becca, please stop complaining and do the work! What isEconomics? You don’t know… It is the first question in the stinkingsyllabus! Focus!” shouted Natasja annoyed. Rolling her eyesdramatically she ignored Natasja again. That was how it had become.Rebecca was no longer the docile sponge, willing to absorb any andeverything; she was like a rock stone that was firm in its ways. Cursinginwardly, Natasja felt like she wanted to explode. They made a volatileteam with their messed up personalities, fierce and demanding Natasja

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who was easily angered and pig-headed Rebecca who was un-willing togive Natasja a chance.

Natasja didn’t know what to do; she was trying no technique thatshe used to help Rebecca learn something appeared to be working.“Qué tan grave puede ser la muerte?” recited Rebecca fake sweetly.

Natasja screwed up her face in confusion, “What?” Looking directly atNatasja, Rebecca repeated it in English…“ So serious what can be thedeath?” Natasja tried to remain detached, tried to stay reasonable,what was the girl’s problem? Her eyelids twitched involuntarily as shetried to hold on to her sanity by a thin line. “How cute, defineeconomics…the book is in front of you.”

That’s how it went, each day; Rebecca pushed and pushed atNatasja, willing her to break down. Each day, Natasja barely managedto hang on. Studying became an impossible feat and it was slowlybreaking Natasja down, not the constant torment but the lack of progress.

Natasja had a minor headache by the end of the fifth week. Shetried taking painkillers but the pain only briefly faded. With eachmeeting with Rebecca it got worse, the intensity driving her ballistic.Painkillers were her best friends and the one above knew that was asad state to be in.

Natasja and Rebecca were at the Emancipation Park. Rebeccathought it would be a fabulous idea to try out a new setting, enjoy thesetting a little. Natasja didn’t really enjoy anything, the sun wasmurderous on her skin and her head was starting up again. “This placeseems great, the place looks so magical!” exclaimed Rebeccawinningly, Natasja feared desperately the reason for her statement, “I

think I am going over to the statue, can you take a pic of me?” Natasjascratched her hair, feigning immense thought, and reluctantly saying,“No, I think I’ll stay.” Rolling her eyes, Rebecca walked away.

Life was so much easier without the girl. Let’s do this, let do that,why not take a hike?

ECONOMICS August 9, 2009

Economics is the study of the use of limited productive resourcesin a society to satisfy the unlimited desires of its members. This simply means that Economics realizes that people in a society want a lot of things, of which they cannot afford all of them. Seeing this problemwhere there are a lot of desires but not a lot of resources such asmoney, they try to help break down the desires into wants and needs,where the member is required to make choices on what to give up inorder to gain. The terminology for giving up one desire for another using the same available resource is called opportunity cost. Whenspeaking about opportunity cost, we think about the production

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Heaving, Natasja’s body realized there was nothing left to throwup and she took in precious air. Running home as quickly as possibleNatasja tried to find solitude but it became blatantly clear as shestepped into the house that it would be very hard. Natalie’s friendswere everywhere including her room. “What happened to you?” asked

a nameless face as Natasja shooed her out of her room. Closing thedoor she prayed for a respite.

Natasja didn’t tell anyone what happened that day; she tried toignore it, hoping and praying that it would go away. For about a week,nothing else bad happened except seeing Rebecca. On thoseoccasions, her head would pound like crazy but nothing happened. Too bad she was only given a respite, not a clean bill of health…twoweeks later, all hell broke loose.

Natasja had waited until after dinner on Sunday to announce thenews, news that would breed disappointment and anger. They all sat inthe living room, the television unusually off and no radio to soften the

blow. There were no distractions, only quite, explosive stillness.Natasja felt her heart beating ten times as quickly as usual. Could shehandle her decision? Was she doing the right thing? Her parents satexpectantly in the three seater sofa; Natalie was at a friend’s home.Natasja released the bomb to numerous explosions of anger anddisbelief; her mother going into a near frenzy. “I am dropping out of school.” The words echoed like a million storms, leaving devastation inits wake.

“Will you stop asking me a million and one questions about why Iam doing this,” begged Natasja to her foster parents who lookedstricken. Natasja’s foster mother was crying in the settee, her face a

mask of pain, disappointment and defeat. Natasja really wished thatthey wouldn’t look at her like that. She didn’t want to be in her currentsituation. She was stressed beyond belief. She felt to give up on thecatty Rebecca and call it a day knowing she had a second chance. Shewasn’t the one being expelled. She wanted to do that but she couldn’t.Somewhere deep down she knew she had to face this challengeRebecca posed with all its obstacles and try to overcome it. She wasn’ta baby anymore, she had to take responsibility for all the things shehad done; and in this case, all the things she hadn’t done. “I need todo this for myself and for Rebecca.”

Mr. Sinclair tried to argue the point over with Natasja listening toeach word spoken, knowing them to be true and losing her strengthbut not her determination. “Isn’t she the girl that has been annoyingyou on a daily basis, glorifying in your pain. How could you helpsomeone who doesn’t want to be helped? She is not your friendanymore, that friendship is long gone; you are both different peoplelooking for different things now. She needs to be able to stand up forherself and do what is required to survive, leave her be!” The word’s

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from her schoolmate’s faces, even those she didn’t know and wherewere her friends like Brenda and Tatiana? They were on a differentshift. The school seemed to want to inflict unbearable torture on her.

With each jibe that came her way, she tightened her resolve towork hard and maybe some persons would cool off. The idea proved

futile as the weeks passed. With each success she felt more ostracizedand more despised. On the odd occasion, Natasja would see Tatianawho would give her an odd smile. That is all Natasja learnt to expect,outward hatred by her enemies and feared friends unable to help her.She was alone in a world packed with wolves.

The most gruesome thing however was the feeling of beingtrapped. She was stuck at school due to her parents, she was adisappointment to her family, a nuisance to the person she wassupposed to be helping and had nowhere to be without feeling likescum.

When Natasja went to Rebecca’s to study with her, Rebecca’s

attitude got worse with no hope of it getting better. Tantrums,ignorance, disappearances or disruption… they all filled Natasja’ssordid life with Rebecca. Natasja could not even figure out what theproblem was; there was just a problem.

Headaches, bitchiness, isolation, rejection, defeat…Natasja couldnot choose what she preferred but they were her constant friends.

It was December before Natasja felt remotely human. She was athome studying, to keep abreast for next year, in a room with herheadache reminding her of her meeting with Rebecca in a couple of hours. It was Chistmas break already and Rebecca was still a shrew.She was in her favorite blue and black floral dress that reached mid-

thigh and was breezy. Laces practically kept the dress in place at theback of her neck in a neat bow-tie. She was studying Physics, her worstsubject of late. It seemed she could never figure it out when the phonerang. It was an unusual occurrence since she had no friends and theonly person that called her was Rebecca when she was prank callingher.“Halo?”“Hi, Tahj? It’s Brenda.”“Brenda? What’s up? Is something wrong?” there was a pause on theline.“Nothing is wrong; I just wanted to say hi,” replied Brenda in adecrescendo.Natasja was momentarily caught off guard. She wasn’t used to anyonewanting to say ‘hi’. She wasn’t used to talking to people without beingdefensive.“It’s December, couldn’t you have said hi before?” It was mean andshe was sorry she had said it, she needed a friend.

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“I’ve got to go.” The phone line went dead and Natasja felt to bite off her head. What had she done that for? As she mentally went over thecall about a zillion times in her head she subsided thinking that at leastshe wasn’t totally forgotten or despised; at least she had not been. Shewent to her daily meeting with Rebecca in an unusually happier mood

than she had been in for in ages.

However, as was beginning to be usual, Rebecca listened not toher instructions or advice. Instead, she ignored her presence as thoughshe didn’t exist. Within thirty minutes and twenty seconds of beingaround Rebecca she felt depressed and murderous. She had hadenough, it was practically Christmas. “Will you please tell me whatyour problem is?”

Rebecca looked at Natasja, not really seeing her. She was

consumed with hatred and intense dislike. Sadly the dislike wasn’taimed at Natasja, however much she tried. The anger was aimed atherself and her family. She also disliked Natasja but that was forpitying her instead of helping her because she was her friend. Therewas no one really in her corner, her parents had abandoned her to fallwhere she may, treating her as they would a patient; indifferently.

Once Natasja went back to school, no one would be there, shewould be alone again and she wished Natasja would leave so that shedidn’t have to get her hopes up. Day after day, Natasja just stayed, like

a fungus, pretending that she cared when Rebecca saw the malice inher eyes. Rebecca was an obligation, a homework that needed to bedone. She was not real to her; she was just a means to an end. It wassickening.

And so the farce continued. Rebecca opened her red and whiteplaid hand bag with sprinkles all over it and took out her most recentromance novel. It was about this librarian who was being swept off herfeet by a Greek tycoon. Totally ridiculous, but it was an escape. Thenovels provided what no one else did – comfort, security and a happy-ending; all the things her life lacked. There was no blissful ending. Lifesucked, she was a drop-out who didn’t even have the excuse of being

knocked up. At least then she would have somebody, even if it was asquealing baby. She was being bitchy, she knew that, but she couldn’tcontrol it. She had no reason to control anything, she was a failure. AFAILURE, who was smart enough not to commit suicide, but dumbenough to fail school; that was her!

“Will you please tell me what your problem is?” Rebecca smiledwinningly. “What could possibly be wrong, I mean, it seems you don’thave a life and are sucking unto me like a life preserver since you have

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no friends. Let’s study!” Clapping her hands for emphasis she startedher novel. Maybe she would leave already.

“Maybe we should talk. I am not a hypocrite and I seriously hateyour catty remarks so could you stuff it.” Rebecca smiled sweetly; shewas getting good at the whole bitchy thing. How fabulous.Not. “I guess

the cat’s got a tongue after all.” Natasja stood up, picking up herthings, most likely to leave. Fat chance, she was organizing her stuff that she had left messy for a reason. It was a symbol of her life story.“I guess you would know but you don’t have much of a bite, it’s reallya shame. You could have given me lessons.” Rebecca threw down thebooks Natasja was trying to organize on the floor. “I would, but you’rean expert, please don’t tell me you are going in heat so soon. I guessthat’s why you had to be in hospital so long… giving up the evidence.” There was complete and utter silence. Rebecca knew she had gone toofar. Too bad.

A snarl as vile as a sewage tank crossed Natasja’s face, she had

finally broken. Words evaporated into thin air, as Natasja clawed herface, drawing blood. Screams filtered the air as both girls clawed eachothers faces, doing what they longed to do for so long. Expressing theirhatred of their situation, expressing the indignity they felt surroundedthem like a blanket; expressing their life’s story in the heat of themoment. The fatal blow to the fight came with a punch to Natasja’shead. In that moment the only thing one could hear was the deafeningcry of someone going under, losing the fight within, in a matter of seconds. Rebecca had won the fight, but looking at Natasja as she lostconsciousness, she had to wonder if she had lost the greatest thing of all.

Unlike on a previous occasion, Natasja was unconscious notsimply unable to control her body. She had no feeling, no emotion andpossibly no future.

Natalie looked at her sister with pain filling her, her sister wasdying and it was because of some worthless girl. She looked sadlyaround her sister’s room, with barely a card much less a present

cheering up the room. No one seemed to care that her sister wasseriously ill…due to a messed up blood vessel or something. Nataliefelt hopeless and all she could do was cry. What had her sister done todeserve such a fate?

The doctors said that she was under excess stress and that it hadcontributed to her condition but its catalyst was her first mysteriousaccident nearly a year ago. No one really knew all the details thatsurrounded the accident, only that it had been a brutal one.

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Natalie had only recently started to have a good relationship withher sister. She had despised Natasja because of what she represented,a substitution. It was like she was not good enough and if she everfaltered she would be replaced by Natasja. They had always competedto be the best, striving to be the center of their parent’s world until

Natasja had stopped caring and just withdrawn from the family. Then, it was as though they were not related. She had treated

them indifferently, as though they were just colleagues. ‘Dad andMom’ had been replaced by ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ Then, Natasja had fallenfrom grace with her gangsta boyfriend. She had started failing school.Natalie had felt that she had won the battle but looking at her sister,once again in hospital she realized that she had been losing; losing hersister, her competitor and losing her friend.

Looking at Natasja, she began to cry. She lay their on the crystalwhite sheets, motionless, emotionless and sober. All the things thatwould never describe Natasja were present and it made Natalia feel as

though her sister was already gone. When Natasja was awake, Nataliehad always wondered if she was drunk because she had been livelyand energetic; and never thinking straight. Strangers didn’t know thatthough, to them she was quite, self-contained, well mannered and softspoken-all the things she was not. She had always been shy and self contained when she was around people she wasn’t familiar with.Always on her guard, she had always felt the need to protect herself from people who might criticize her. Natalie, knew that because shewas her sister’s main critic; but once she felt that she was safe; shewas the life of a sober party. Natalie loved her sister.

Natalie felt a flutter of movement and then an arm encircling her.

It was Chase, her boyfriend. Natalie could hardly believe it; she wasdating the guy she had been crushing on forever, not only the twomonths as she had told Natasja. Mr. Unavailable was hers and shecouldn’t have been any happier if the stars of the heaven had fallen ather feet. Natalie had to smile; it had been Natasja who had given her achance with Chase. Natasja, even with all the hardship she had to faceof late, who had set up a blind date with a guy she hadn’t known. “Areyou okay?” Natalie knew without a doubt that everything would beokay. Chase and her relationship made her feel as though Natasja wasstill there, still gluing them together. “Yeah, everything is copasetic, just waiting for my sister to stop snoring.” They both smiled, maybeeverything would be.

Rebecca felt like hell, she couldn’t think straight. Her emotionstold her to just forget Natasja and just convince herself in that it wasNatasja’s fault but her conscience kept messing with her. She didn’twant to take responsibility for what had happened, she had enough

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the mirror. She had numerous scars on her face and body but theydidn’t compare to the hole somewhere within her. Time to think…

Two weeks later…

Rebecca was bone dry tired, her eyes burning within theirsockets. The French book in front of her was as unappealing as aweek’s old pizza. Her tummy rumbled ominously, indicating not toosubtly that she had spent enough time drowning herself in her books.Stretching her body with a yawn, she got up and headed downstairsbut stopped before the mirror. The scars from her fight with Tahj wereall but faded with only dark circles under her eyes. “ Honey, you knowhow I used to tell you ‘Do your work and stop look up in my morning’,it would do you a mighty good thing if you would just rest off in-between one of your sessions. You are becoming pale and awful asthough nobody cares for you,” remarked Rebecca’s mother from the

doorway. Rebecca wanted to deny that statement but looking at herreflection she knew that she was a little more than tired.

Instead of all the great, apologetic, sweet remarks that Rebeccacould have made, she stuck with, “I didn’t know anyone cared,” andimmediately wished she hadn’t said it at the struck look on hermother’s face. It looked as though she had been crushed by a lorry.Why did I say that! Look at what I’ve done again… “I am really sorry Isaid that mom, I promise you that I never meant it….please forget Isaid,” begged Rebecca taking a few tentative steps to her mother, allthe while worrying her bottom lip. A sad smile cleared her mother’sface as she replied, “Yes you did, and I am sorry I made you feel that

way.” They hugged for the first time in about three months, and it waslike a hurricane finally coming to an end; they finally had a chance torebuild their lives together.

If only life would magically change to suite her most earnestlongings. If only God were that mean. Rebecca realized with a sinkingheart that she didn’t want to find an easy way out of her predicament.She didn’t want this situation to be resolved with her untouched,unscathed. She wanted to feel something, wanted to prove to herself and those around her that she could be responsible, she could care; if a tad bit belatedly.

“What wrong honey? Why are you doing this to yourself?”Rebecca looked up at her mother who had tears in her eyes that shedidn’t try to mask. Rebecca looked around her at her messed up roomwith books all over the floor. The difference between her room now andher room when Natasja had been there were the types of bookslittering the floor; novels versus school books. She looked knew howshe looked if she looked in the mirror again. She knew that her motherwas referring to. “Because I do not want to be treated like a baby.” It

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was as simple as that for Rebecca but her mother shook her head. Sheseemed to reject the idea of her daughter ever growing up and it hurtRebecca inexplicably.

“Hon, you will-“Her mother said but was cut short by heraggrieved daughter. “Do not say that I will always be your baby,

because as comforting as that is, I want to prove to myself that I worthsomething. I want to be able to say that I have a purpose that I did not just ruin my Natasja’s life for nothing. I don’t want her to have wastedher time on me, I do not want to be a parasite,” sobbed Rebeccadespairingly as her mother shook her head soft. Her mother didn’t looklike she believed what her daughter was trying so hard to prove, hereyes looking sad but comforting. Rebecca fell to the floor trying herbest to control the uncontrollable sobs that wracked her worn body.“Please-“

“Ah, I think you misunderstood me dear, lie down on your bedplease.” Mrs. McIntosh prodded her daughter to get up off the floor all

the while whipping the tears from her daughter’s face. That taken careof she joined her daughter on the bed. “Humph, anyways, I was tryingto tell you- really, I forgot, actually. But what I am saying now is thatyou are worth a lot and Natasja saw that, your friends saw that andyour dad and I still see that, even if sometimes we act to the contrary.Natasja had a difficult life lately with her trudging through icy knivesthinking them to be her friends and she woke up much later with a lotof scars au contraire and at first I think she saw you as such a scar;one that she needed to mend-““-“Rebecca tried to get a word in buther mother wouldn’t have it.” Shush your mouth, I’m talking.”“However, as I was saying, she felt more obligated because she knew

you had a reason for your constant rude behavior Ands she thought itwas because she thought that you thought that she had an easy like asshe would continue school and you couldn’t. She gave up and waswilling to give up a lot more to help you even when you pushed hercontinuously away.” Rebecca did not have a clue as to what he motherwas talking about and said as much. “Are you serious, you don’t know?She wanted to give up high school completely to help you; it had to beher parents who reined her in.” Rebecca felt scandalized but at thesame time, oddly loved.

Natasja was willing to forgo everything for her after she hadbeen the most horrendous friend in the world? The thought rockedRebecca’s foundation, as well as her mother’s obvious support, to thecore. She was loved, she was not just another baby or someone to helpor tolerate to the people around her. “ I want so badly right now to hugNatasja and to tell her a thousand apologizes but-“ Rebecca felt sad,Natasja might forgive her but her family would never allow her to goanywhere near her. Mrs. McIntosh seemed to understand herdaughter’s plight and hugged her reassuringly. “You need not care

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what the world thinks and to gain the approval of the two persons Ithink you need to continue on doing what you are doing now. Natasjacame here everyday, when it was obvious that she felt that you were atrial and tried to help you stuffy, tried to help you became whole foronce in your life. Show her and yourself that you can be the best when

all the odds are facing you. Prove to yourself that you are worth thefight.” With that her mother gave her another squeeze and a kiss onher cheek and left the room most likely praying that her only child hadfinally seen the light; and she had.

Rebecca sat up on her bed and wiped her eyes a final time. Shewas not the girl she had always seen as heroines on tv, she was notthe girl that her parents had hoped for when her mother had gottenpregnant, she was not the girl that her friends and the world thoughther to be and she was happy; for no one else could be her. She got up,combed her hair until it shone, ate something downstairs with hermother, went upstairs to her room again and read a novel and went

back to her studies; a poem she had read on a gothic sight on theinternet floating through her mind and empowering her:

By Sue Carroll

Accept me for who I am.Do not attempt to changethe essential me.

Beneath this frail coverlives a young girl's heartbecome age old and wornby time and by life's trials.

The scars, gatheredalong the winding path

to where I am todayare testament to a passagefraught with troubles.Too late now to rewrite the book.This is me. Again I say,accept me for who I am.

Rebecca was going to prove to everyone that one day she wouldbe great. She had no dreams but she had one aspiration; to prove thatshe was worth all the energy she put forth.

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Don't knock it till you've tried it(Sometimes, if you try hard enough and you

believe in yourself and those around, the Lord willsee fit to give you your most earnest longings-butfirstly you have to open yourself to all thepossibilities.)

Chapter 9

It was the first day of school…wow…Rebecca felt terriblynervous. She was back at school, granted, a lower level school but still,she was back in a classroom. She recognized no one and no one knewher, it was a frightening yet exhilarating thought, she had a chance to

start over from scratch.

Four months later:Rebecca felt nervous. Her hands wobbled unsteadily as she

wrote her notes, Mr. Henry sat vigilantly, report cards in hand as heensured that no one idled. She felt like a jellyfish was doing the rumbain her tummy and she thought she would sky rocket with all her pentup energy. Rebecca counted to 150 in her mind, hoping like hell tocalm down so that she could write the stupid notes.

Mr. Henry’s eyes met hers briefly and it was all Rebeccacould do not to wet herself, she looked away guiltily. She felt a tap on

her back and she nearly jumped out of her chair, so much for calmingdown. Turning around with exaggerated slowness, she looked at theperson causing her more torment, “Huh?”. Rebecca did not know thegirl smiling at her; and seriously, she did not want to. The girl held herhand to Rebecca; clearly it held something in it. “It’s a mint ball, itmight help. I’ll lend you my notes if you don’t finish,” offered the girlsweetly. Rebecca felt instantly contrite and that really was not helpingher much. Rebecca decided to cut the attitude for a bit.

Rebecca gratefully accepted the mint ball and tried moresuccessfully, to take down the notes off the crowded ants-nest of awhiteboard. Mr. Henry’s writing was barely legible as he always

seemed to be thinking five hundred times quicker than his writing,causing everything to be messy and unclear. “I’m Chels by the way,”added the Samaritan a whole three sentences later. Indulging the girlbecause of her previous generosity, she commented in a hushed tone,since Mr. Henry was still watching quite vigilantly, “Chels as inChelsea?” There was a small laugh behind her and Rebecca had to turnaround to stare at her quite blankly, “No, everyone thinks so though.My real name is Cheleasha. Hate the name so had to cut it.” All

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Rebecca had to say to that was “Uh huh, cute.” No wonder she neverspoke to her classmates, even though it had been her intention to,they were so obviously, raucously butu. Ignoring further conversation,she wrote her notes, as she should have been doing before. Seriously,Cheleasha?! That was gross!

As Rebecca copied off about three quarters of the notes off theboard, her conscience started the prick at her. One sentence; youshould talk to her. Three sentences; you are going to seem rude.Seventh sentence; do not ignore the girl, she was kind to you. Rebeccareally did not want to have a conversation with her conscience at thatmoment since she could not remember ever doing so before in her life,so she just blanked it out. Eighth sentence and second word, you canwrite and talk, she is nice. By the ninth sentence Rebecca just wantedto freak, really, the girl was so not worth sh- Okay, that was rude,thought Rebecca, cursing herself mentally. Instead of cursing yourself,why not talk to the girl? Rebecca’s saintly conscience asked, in an all

too innocent voice. Rebecca felt really contrite, as in, had she really just almost bitched about the girl after she had been kind to her? Ouch, please don’t let me be turning into the selfish, coldhearted bitch that had put Tahj in the hospital, please, God! Rebecca needed somedeliverance but she would have to settle for being the church. Turningaround slightly, to see Cheleasha, no Chels’ face, she introducedherself, “By the way, I am Rebecca.”

“That took you long enough, jeez, anyways; you can turn backyour pretty self around now. I got the picture, I am so obviously notworth your precious little time,” replied Chels in a tone Rebeccaseriously did not appreciate. Rebecca wanted oh so badly to hurt the

girl but as the words fell on her lips, she found she could not releasethem. Behind Chels’ bravado was a girl who looked like she had beencrushed by her previous, silent, rejection. Rebecca felt herself worryingher bottom lip as her conscience mentally bashed her to smithereens;score one for Rebecca SCB. “I am sorry okay; I didn’t mean to be sucha snub. I have not been the nicest person lately, many people couldmost definitely attest to that and much more; but it is not that I wantto be that way. “Rebecca hated confession time, she was not evencatholic. “I really don’t want to explain myself, but could you just likeforget ever talking to me today? I feel seriously bad-” Rebecca tried tofigure out what she was saying in her head because from the wayChels mouth was twisted, as if to say, are you done trashing yet,Rebecca figured she was saying some serious crap. Clapping her handsloudly that the whole class that she had previously ignored, stared ather and Mr. Henry stood up from his desk and started walking towardsher, Rebecca reiterated her statement. “Okay, I am horrible atapologizing but could you like just forget what I said, you do not reallyhave to forgive but just know that I did not intentionally mean to insult

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y-”. Before Rebecca could finish her crappy apology, Mr. Henry cut heroff.

“Are you quite finish, Miss Sanchez?” Rebecca turned around inher seat, sort of rocking back and forth. She was wondering whether ornot she should correct him about her name when he ploughed on.

“Because I had the impression that you came to this class to learnsomething;” About to give a diminutive reply in the form, “yes sir”, shewas stopped before she even started, as he continued in a louder,more barreling tone, “since you have proven to yourself and yourprevious learning institution that you are not the brightest crayon inthe box. In fact, you must be the dullest one I have ever seen. Now if you do not mind, completely, I would like to teach the students whohave a chance in this world, that do not have parents who will buythem their place in the world, something useful. You can join us if it isnot an inconvenience to you.” With that lovely lecture, Mr. Henry did asplendidly awful about-face and went back to the front of the class;

everyone seeming to look at her as they snickered there vile faces off.Rebecca had to control herself thoroughly as she desperately wantedto cuss the arrogant s.o.b off.

All Rebecca could think to do was rant but she knew she couldnot. If she did she would have a really lovely day explaining to herparents why she had been kicked out of high school. Again. Saying asthough, she was not interested in that possibility, she sat down like agood little girl who had just gotten a terrible spanking. As if. Cooldown…cool down, you can’t afford to screw yourself up….prove that you are worth a dime, without your parent’s money. Telling herself that over and over again, she felt her true emotions bursting out of her

as tears started prickling her eyes. Please not now, she begged. Shewas not begging for another chance, she would live with the one shecurrently had, she just wished things would be simpler. She wished herattitude would take a hike, she wished she could understand what wasbeing taught in class without having to read thousands of insanelycomplex textbooks, and she wished that she didn’t screw upeverything she did. She wished she could do something.

“I forgive you.” Rebecca heard the whisper, so faint that shemomentarily wondered if she had imagined it. She must have heardwrong, or more than likely, heard nothing at all. Rebecca could notimagine anyone forgiving her. She did not want anyone to forgive herbecause that would mean that she deserved that forgiveness andRebecca knew in her heart that she did not deserve any forgiveness;only loathing. That was what Natalie had told her that day that Natasjahad been recommitted to the hospital, “You are the most awful,vindictive, person in the world, and how could you treat someone likethat, someone who wanted to help you?” Rebecca knew how she did it,because she was Rebecca Sanchez Macintosh, a spoilt princess who

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had lost her crown. Hissing her teeth, Rebecca finished the stupidnotes, all the while hating herself for being so awful.

Was it no wonder when she saw lackluster grades at the end of class she felt claustrophobic? Holding back the tears that threatened tofall in the privacy of the now empty classroom,

“You do know that if you continue to rag on yourself, you giveothers the invitation to do likewise, right?” Looking up, with tearstained eyes; Rebecca met creamy hazel eyes that appeared totallyhappy. Shaking her head slowly, Rebecca asked in a not unkind voice,“And who might you be?” Lifting her head totally from her knees, shesaw that five girls were surrounding her. Freaky?... Not slightly,thought Rebecca, wondering what the heck was going on.

The girl who had made the fortune cookie sort of quote hadRebecca’s full attention. The girl was short and round but looked like acandy, all sugar coated. Her hair looked silky as it floated in majestic,

dark wisps down her back. Her skin was light, she had no black in her,but it was a darkish white. Looking at her, she looked like an Arabianqueen, sweet, gentle and majestic. It was quite a refreshing look thatdrew Rebecca to her. She also wore glasses that did not take awayanything from her look but seemed to add so much more. It added asort of worldly feel, as though she knew what she was talking about,she had knowledge that she wished to partake with them. Talk about awhole Ghandi moment; it was so peaceful, so completely unlikeanything Rebecca had been feeling lately. “I am Ellen. You areRebecca, I know.”

Freaky Friday. Shaking her head, Rebecca tried to rid the

cobwebs from her mind. She was outside on the school campus, sittingon a make shift seat in the form of a flower bank. Students filled thealready small parameters of the campus, doing what came naturally tothem, having fun. A girl with heavily gelled hair in an icy blue ribbonsticking out like a wild peacock was belting out “Party in the USA” byMiley Cyrus in an awful voice, surrounded by two girls who apparentlywent to the same messed up magazines for the latest trends and threegansta looking guys that had their own appeal. Though everyonearound recognized, hopefully, the hideous notes the girl was making,they were still just hanging out, talking in loud, boisterous voices.After crucifying the song, which her friends lightly joked about, shestarted teasing the guys. She managed to sweet-mouth her way intoone of the guys handing over his phone and her taking his flamingpurple kerchief out of his back pocket.

“Hey, CeeCee, give that back!” pleaded the guy, not reallyminding all that much. He was tallish, around 5’10, maybe taller andseriously lanky. Rebecca remembered seeing him several times aroundthe place. He was forever doing something drastically abnormal. Once,

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Star Trek live action figure. Bailey, on the other hand was fully awareof the guy, staring at her friend while talking to some of his friends asthey waited for their meal by the counter. She squished her lipstogether like a seriously unhappy fish and just gave him a scornful,you-smell-and-look-like- a-horse face until his friend saw the interplay

as Mister Lovegames was too busy eyeing his prize to see swords, orrather, a very fishy face being propelled his way. Realizing that he hadunwanted attention, he rolled his eyes at Bailey, as if to say “jealousgirls are so over-rated,” to which Bailey gave him a more alarmingmiddle finger. It was at this point Raven, that’s her name, fullysupported Bailey by adding two middle fingers to the silentinterchange. Tired of the little game they were playing, or maybe herealized Chels did not even notice the sorry loser that he was, heturned to his friends, after giving Bailey one last scathing look.Rebecca looked at the little live reality tv drama with a yawnthreatening to escape her mouth. This was so second grade.

“You might want to go up in the line,” said a familiar voice frombehind Rebecca. Hoping for a miracle she prayed that life was notplaying a cruel joke on her, that voice sounded very much like…”HeyLillian,” waved Ellen from in front of me. How the hell did Ellen knowLillian? Turning around slowly, Rebecca smiled happily at Lillian. “OMG,Lily! What’s up?” Lily broke out in a smile, removing one of her handsfrom around Joshua to hug Rebecca whole-heartedly. Funny, Rebeccahad not noticed him before. Rebecca was absolutely thrilled to haveone friend around her. The five girls were so weird and Rebecca wasnot exactly a psychiatrist. “We have to talk!” The two girls talked asthey ordered their meals, while Joshua just listened and made non-

committal sounds occasionally. Rebecca felt super happy to see herold friend and even the enigma that was Joshua appealed to her.

Rebecca had actually forgotten about the girls when Ellen justintruded on the girl’s conversation. “Hey, so you two know each other,we should totally eat together!” Rebecca felt so fantabulously happy atthat statement that she wanted to puke. Yippee! “ Hiding herexpression with much difficulty, Rebecca momentarily rememberedNatasja and how she always had a gum in her mouth and whenevershe had not known how to respond to something, she would just pop agum in her mouth and start chewing like a speed racer. Oh whatRebecca would do for something like that, she needed to buy herself some gum as soon as humanly possible. “Ohm, I am gonna go to thepharmacy for a second, k, catch up with y’all in a bit,” excusedRebecca giving Lillian and Joshua a pleading stare to just get rid of theother girls. “I can follow-” “Soon come!” interjected Rebecca, cuttingoff one of Ellen’s totally sugar coated suggestions and hurrying,possibly faster than Usain Bolt to the pharmacy.

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Safely enclosed within the walls of the pharmacy, Rebeccamentally rebuked herself. How had she forgotten that Yamane Centerwas totally Broderick ground? Everywhere Rebecca seemed to havepositioned her eyes; someone she was familiar with had either wavedat her or shouted out her name. It was obvious that none of them had

kept in contact with Natasja or else they would be crying murderinstead of greeting her so warmly. That made Rebecca slightly sad, asall of Natasja’s old friends had abandoned her and yet Natasja had notabandoned Rebecca. The thoughts made Rebecca feel mildlyuncomfortable. She wanted to feel normalcy, not a wide void of sadness and regret.

The pharmacy was about the size of two classrooms with avariety of paraphernalia all over the place on shelves, racks, andtables. The colour scheme of the place was peach with hints of bluesparking up the dull looking walls. A few persons filtered idly throughthe place, looking at different assortments of things.

Rebecca walked to the back of the store where novels were keptand flipped through some of the pages, the characters varied fromsheiks, to princes, to millionaire, to Spaniards, to Italian, to Greek, toall other types of arrogant, egocentric, know it alls that Rebecca hadsadly found totally sexy about a month or so previously. At themoment, call Rebecca bizarre but she could not understand why anygirl would just comply with a guys every wish telling themselves thatthey were independent and all that posh and then have the audacity tofall in love with the conceited jerk. It was so besides the point. Therewas not one sweet sensitive guy who was not a doctor or being nicebecause he got a girl pregnant. Talk about the dark ages. Clothes may

come back in style after about a couple generations but pregnancystuff and marriage was just better left in the medieval period or elsethere would be a lot of bigamy going around.

Kiera of Lawenydd, can’t believe what she’d done. Owing her sister a favor, Kiera promised to pose as Elyn on her wedding day. Theruse was to last just one night… Seriously, how could Kiera be so damnfoolish? Of course it would not last one night. If Elyn had any intentionof being married to the guy she would have gone to the wedding, thatafter all is the most dramatic thing that will ever happen in the marriedcouples lives!

“You are Rebecca, right?” Rebecca was reading the blurb of “Impostress” for anything of interest that may be hinted at in the novelwhen some guy took of two years of her life. Letting out a not minoryelp of surprise as well as a very good interpretation of a kangaroo jump, Rebecca finally settled down to look daggers at the guy. And avery handsome guy he was. “WTH dude,” was all she could say before

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Rebecca was still laughing when she saw the truth in his eyesand almost spluttered to a stop but refrained, not wanting him to knowthat she saw. He had a hurt look in his eyes and Rebecca wonderedhow a guy like him could look so defeated over a girl. How the mighty have fallen, went through her mind as she looked at him, any emotion

washed clean off his face. It was the KC motto the brave may fall but never yield, which Rebecca recalled. “It’s great to meet you. Lily saidthat Ellen was gone so you could come out of hiding now.” Rebeccasmiled at that, “Do I look like I am hiding or am I strolling around astore with the most dashing wanna be ever?” Rebecca saw thelaughter breaking through the darkness of his eyes to light up his face.She was comforted to see him smile, it seemed so right. Somehow, shenever wanted to see this guy frown again.

Words were starting to blur in Rebecca’s mind. She had beenstudying Spanish for a solid three minutes turn three hours and thewords were starting to become a jungle of alien tongue. She had aSpanish test in two weeks and she did not want to fail. Rightfully,Rebecca did not even want to pass. She wanted to murder thelanguage; she wanted to be the best. It was that simple and thatincredibly hard but at least she knew where to start. The Spanish textbook was out, a dictionary, in Spanish, beside her and her mind,hopefully on inside her.

The phone down-stairs in the living room commenced chaos inthe house as Mr. Sanchez berated everyone down-stairs that it was hisassociate calling. The chaos was so much fun to listen to because itwas a sort of symbol for her parent’s happiness; they were not fakewith each other. It was really sweet. Rebecca listened with half an earwondering which of the two would be right. The voicemail came up andas her two parents continued to quarrel about whose call it was,Rebecca sighed, no one would know whose call it was. Rebecca was just about to close he books and head out and try calming her parentsdown when there was a sudden silence over the house. It was beyondfreaky; it was down-right scary. What was going on?

Running down the flight of stairs, Rebecca only heard the tail endof the voice message over the phone and immediately understood thedeafening silence. “…she is out of her comma and do not, really, don’t feel bothered to come see her. This is the end, you are officially out of our lives now Rebecca Sanchez so go screw with someone else’sown,*****.” The silence continued long after the dial tone went aseveryone stood paralyzed to their spot. The first one to come out of their stupor was obviously her mom, turning to look at her with the

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most sympathetic pair of eyes Rebecca had ever had the misfortune tosee. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” …

Of course she was not. It was becoming blatantly obvious thatshe was never going to get a break. How terribly not surprising.

Rebecca walked over to her mother giving her a small hug and akiss, “Sure I am, I was just heading to the fridge for some cake. Wantsome?” Concealing her insecurities behind a tiny small, she headed forthe delicious, comfort food of a light wine cake. Her mother just shookher head, both her parents watching her; concerned. Rebecca wantedto tell them they had nothing to worry about, but was that true? At thatprecise moment she felt like hammering a knife through her head togain some perspective. How fun that would be. The headlines wouldmost definately read, "Teen jack-knives her head in hope of insight."

In the kitchen, Rebecca decided to take a rain-check on the cake

and just call Chels. Taking out her blackberry bold from her backpocket she searched out Chels’ number. The phone rang for anindefinite amount of time before she got voicemail. Getting slightlyannoyed that Chels almost never answered on the first call, sheredialed. “Hey, Chels…please tell me that you are in the mood to makeme feel better?” There was a pause over the line that lasted no morethan 5 seconds but was enough time for Rebecca to second guess thewisdom of calling “Queen of the wierdos”. About to hang up the phone,Rebecca was shocked by the sudden answer from left field, “Sure, I amgonna go to Yamane Center with my brother and his date, if you wantto talk, come with…check you later.”

Weird, absolutely weird. With a clueless smile brightening herface, Rebecca asked her parents if she could go. A next surprise, theysaid no. “Why not?” asked Rebecca totally confused, normally theywere totally happy to see her going out with her friends, what was withthe sudden change? Was she being punished because Natasja wasgetting better? Could she get any more twisted, of course that couldnot be the reason. “You just heard Natalie on the phone not a fewminutes ago, what are you doing?” Maybe she was being punishedafter all, “…You cannot just go around replacing your friends as thoughthey don’t mean a thing. It is not right…you are going to end up reallysorry.” What was her mother going on about?

Plopping herself on the lime green triple seater, Rebecca juststared at her mother. Her mother looked extremely stressed, tiny websframing her forehead. Her hair was combed in it usual style- a ponytailheld up by a pin. She sighed. "I am not re-p-la-cing Tahj..." Rebeccainnunciated each word, playing special attention to replacing as sheelongated it to over the intended three syllables. "She doesn't wantany-thing to do with me...you heard her snooty sister... I am a dog, I

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am just trying to get on with my life!" Rebecca's father shook his headsoberly,"A thousand miles may begin with the first step but sometimesthat step has to be back..."

Rebecca did not know how to respond to such a fortune cookieremark. Forgetting to even look at her parents she stormed to her

room, not noticing the tears running down her mother’s sleep deprivedface as her husband tried unsuccessfuully to comfort her. "She will findher way..." He looked up to the crucifix centred above the television,desperately pleading for the two most important person's in his life tofind an escape from their hell. "...somehow."

Rebecca felt really frustrated and irritatingly cold and empty andshe wanted to rage, scream, shout, fight, run away; but strangelyenough, as she stormed and trampled all of her things in a whirlwind of rage, she felt no desire to cry, none what-so-ever at all. So, Rebeccadestroyed her room as she vented her anger and when all the iredissipated from her soul, there was nothing to conceal the pain spillingfrom the gaping hole within herself that all the tantrums in the worldcould not heal.

Frustrated much, empty completely but still-did she learnanything from her rampage? For she threw herself unto her bed, herroom a scrambled mess, her hard work obliterated, and her head aflaming fireworks of aches and in the calm of the night when all wasstill, she prayed to God for a life she could not see. Therefore, it wasonly suiting that after the beginning, before the end, in the middle of the journey, she found her stead…not her placing in the world above

but close enough, for with this her face began to crumble, her heartbegan to shed and for all this change, she finally saw the light and soshe tore a page from her Spanish notebook, the edges all jagged andwrote:

I cry, I weep and I mourn and I ravage as I see the raging sea beforeme but for all this, the sea never parts and I am more tired for my trials. Ilook above, my eyes tired with weeping and see a bridge above the sea asfreshly golden with the promise of hope brightening its steps in a halo of sunshine, just as the smile of a new born baby and all I think is: “I am glad Iopened my eyes. I love Jesus, what else can I possibly say?”

What felt like decades later, the door to Rebecca’s room opened and in strode Mr.Sinclair. He gave the clutter in Rebecca’s room a cursory glance before locking unto hissleeping daughter. “Get up.” The tone of voice was imposing with little compassion; but

a world of chill freezing and sharpening the edges of the command. When there was no

response to his first call, he repeated it, much louder and much less controlled. She jerkedawake, mumbling incoherently as Rebecca wandered what was happening. “Clean up the

mess in your room, you are grounded for a month.” With that Mr.Sinclair strode out, the

road to rehabilitation firmly in sight.

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Rebecca spluttered more incoherent phrases to the back of her parting father.

Righteous indignation did not even begin to describe how Rebecca felt, grounded for astupid call? What trash! She jumped off her bed, clearing the mess that she had created,

stopping only to cancel meeting Chels; all the while muttering darkly under her breath.

Not half an hour later, her father re-entered the room casting a critical eye over the

previous eyesore that was Rebecca’s room. “How lovely, you can actually clean up your messes. The dishes are downstairs waiting for you and the house could do with a good

wiping out.”

It was a school night, eight o’clock and she found herself with new chores todampen the fields of the Sahara desert like the Amazon. How stinking fabulous! Rebecca

distinctly made a point of telling her parents that she hated housework, “ What is the

point of this anyways, it is not like I killed a fish or anything! You guys are being so-”“Quite! Do not speak to us in that manner, you are a CHILD- an irresponsible brat of a

child. Get over yourself and look around you, you blind bat, no one is coming to save

you.”

“Why are you acting like this, you know how fragile she is,” chided Mrs. Sinclair.Her face was wrinkled as she faced her husband off, hands clenched at her sides; all her

motherly instincts on overload. “She is not some fragile flower that will shrivel and die, I

never raised such a weak daughter and I am not going to watch as she destroys our life.She had better straighten herself out because I don’t recognize the daughter that I raised.”

His eyes were a stormy mass that glittered ominously with his every word. He would

never allow his wife to look as defeated as she had looked in the living room, not evenfor his daughter. Mrs. Sinclair watched her husband feeling as though she should stop

him from whatever he was planning but she knew, deep inside of her that it was time for

her beloved but misguided child to change. With a bit of hesistancy she resigned herself

to what was about to happen, “So what is your plan?” With a humourless smile maskinghis pained emotions, he replied, “I am going to destroy Rebecca and make her fight to

hold on to her life.”

Three weeks later, stressed beyond measure with CXC’s coming up and her parents harassing her as though it were a state of emergency, she very much felt her life

slipping out of control. She had not even gotten a chance to hang out with Giovanni or

anyone else for that matter recently, though she still saw them around, envying them their life.

Rebecca felt run-over by a steam roller and not as pretty. In her rush to get ready,

she had once again forgotten to comb her hair and her eyes were framed by glasses of

circles and red contacts. She could barely cope with what was happening in school muchless to add home stress to the mess. She felt depleted but could not handle failing. She

really could not because it would mean that all her efforts were for nothing.“Miss. Sanchez, are you paying attention at all?”questioned Mr.Henry, staring

like an owl surveying his prey from the front of the clas. I certainly paid something, you

idiot. Okay, let’s not say that, “Of course sir, you know you are the most important thingin my world?” When pigs fly. Rebecca congratulated herself for saying it without puking;

she really could not stand the guy. He always seemed to pick on her because she had

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class while the others lacked it. “Too bad you are not. Now if you would delight us with

the profound knowledge you have acquired thus far, could you tell us the topic of today’sclass?” Yeah, kind of missed that stillz. Rebecca thought quickly over what sir could have

likely have said and nothing coming to mind, checked her book. Ah, hah, found it. “Sir,

you were telling us about patterns and sequences.” Rebecca felt proud of herself for all

of three milliseconds then the class burst out laughing as Mr. Henry rolled his head.“Meet me at lunch time, Miss.Sanchez, I am afraid that this is not Math’s class,” and to

add garlands to the coffin, “it’s Biology class and our topic is the Nervous System.”

Cute.Rebecca could not even begin to describe how she felt at that moment. Stupid and

inadequate were only the start. She could not handle this. Hissing her teeth, Rebecca took

out her Biology book and wrote the notes, as usual, not listening to what the teacher said.That is how it went until lunch time.

Mr.Henry dismissed the class and went to his desk, all the while rubbing his head.

Rebecca packed up her belongings and went up to him, wandering what he would say. Asshe stood at the desk without anything happening, she finally spoke, “Mr. Henry, you

wanted to see me?” Mr. Henry looked up at her at that, his eyes a mystery. He held uphis hands and stated quietly, “Correction, I do not want to see you. In fact, I hate seeing

you every day in my class, sitting there and taking up space. I don’t want to see you.” Herubbed his head again and sighed, saying almost to himself, “and I doubt you want to see

me either,” and in a more assertive voice he continued, “but yet, we still do and that is a

problem. Now tell me what you are going to do about it.” Rebecca stoodstock-still, what was he talking about? She could not exactly say she wished she never

had the displeasure of seeing him or the dastard school and she could leave, couldn’t she?

“I don’t understand. Um, what are you trying to say?” Mr.Henry seemed to have aged adecade in the span of time it took express herself. “It means that you are wasting my

damn time, understood. You are an incompetent, rich snob who does not know when you

are sinking before the moat.”Rebecca was utterly shocked. This guy could not honestly be serious, he must be

on crack. How dare he talk to her like that? “If you have selective memory sir, I paid to

be taught and so my lack of knowledge indicated your incompetence. Have you ever

thought that you should eat crap before you come near me with your cheap as plastic bagclothes?” Euh, Rebecca collected her stuff and was about to leave the class for lunch

when the blow came, “Then leave and see who you will have in your corner.” The last

words Rebecca heard from her teacher that day came out as harsh as day, “Never come back with that stick up your butt again.” What else could Rebecca do now? She flounced

out of the class, knowing that she had made a huge mistake. Would she ever ask her

parents?-She never would.

Looking around her, everything seemed normal, students were talking under trees,and some were walking around; no one paying any attention to her. She was screwed. It

was the first of February and orals for Spanish and French started on April 18. She did

not know what she was going to tell her parents; she had no clue what she was going todo. Natalie would most likely be the happiest girl in the world when she heard that

Rebecca had been expelled from school. “Big whoop,” muttered Rebecca under her

breath, what was she supposed to do now? She saw Chels in the distance talking to her friends and felt even more depressed. Mr. Henry was right, who would be in her corner

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the beat of a rock song, she just stared at Natasja. She had bumped into her past, present

but dear God,future? Natasja looked as though she would rather be anywhere but where she stood.

What a sock. Taking in a deep breath and hoping not to make a fool of herself, she fake

exclaimed, “What a surprise.” Maybe it was not so fake, just sounded that way. NAtasja

said nothing, just stared.

She was not ready. At least that was what had been drilled into her head by Natalie. She was not ready to face Rebecca yet. But here she stood. Natasja expected to

feel hatred or maybe no emotion. The headache should have spoken for her subconscious;

but there was no headache. She was standing in front of the girl who drove her insane andshe felt no negative feelings. Granted, she did not feel anything but that was not the point.

Maybe being ready was never a possibility, then.

She looked behind Rebecca for a distraction and met the perfect one, black

Adonis. She gulped as a sudden attack of nerves hit her. He looked divine, his skin milkyor rather chocolate smooth except for a sprinkling of tiny acne bumps at his jaw. He said

something to the beauty beside him, most like his girl friend before giving his attention toher. But it was not Natasja he gave his focus to but rather the scene he envisioned being played out before him. The scene where she had bumped into Rebecca after not seeing

her since the bedroom showdown- that scene, definitely not screwed up her. Good

distraction he turned out to be.“Uhm, hey Rebecca,” greeted Natasja absentmindedly. They made a cute couple,

Natasja noted with a bit of annoyance. “Haven’t seen you in a while?”

She cut her thoughts short and looked directly at Rebecca. The situation was lessthan ideal but hopefully a scene would not be made. She could see a slideshow of the last

days she had seen her. Any romantic thoughts quickly died as she came up to a sudden

mental block. That’s right, she could not feel and because most of those thoughts

involved sharp emotions, they came back lackluster, herself playing the observer instead.Running a hand through her hair she let out a soundless sigh.

“It’s been a while,” agreed Rebecca looking strangely pained.

Maybe she did not want to be around me because she thought Natasja would bad mouth her in front of her friends. Or maybe she just hates being around you. The latter

thought was unsettling, minorly. Natasja had grown up enough with all the rejection she

received at school which meant that she had learnt to ignore unconstructive criticism.Rebecca could not influence her. Or so she said to herself.

“Well this awkward, who are your friends? They look cute.” Let’s get this show

on the road already. She could not exactly fight the unknown. Rebecca immediately

seemed to gain control of herself and dived right in with the introductions. She already

knew Giovanni and greeted him if warily- they were not friends after all. The girl was hisdate, Milan. In Natasja’s opinion it perfectly fit, the Wolmer’s guy always seeking out

arm candy, however gorgeous. Introduction over, she wanted to leave before she foundout that jealousy was an emotion that drugs could not diminish, especially when Adonis

placed his arms oh so lovingly around her. Perfect.

“How is your sister?” asked Giovanni casually, indicatin that she should sit withhis free hand. How elegant a simple flicking of the hands could be was mind boggling.

She stood there for a complete minute, in her opinion just fathoming the intricacies of the

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action. When her senses came back at the pointed stare of everyone, she felt like a

complete idiot. Rebecca saved her.“You two know each other, that is so weird.” Rebecca looked at the both of them

with a nervous smile marring her face. Natasja wondered if that was the right word,

awkward, yes, weird, no and she said as much.

“Not really, it’s plain awkward actually.”“Huh, this seems interesting, both of you sit.” That was Milan. She had a

confused but pleasantly so expression softening her already delicate beauty, her eyes

alight with possible mischief. The two girls not wanting to seem rude did as was bid.“Now explain, do I detect competition?” Natasja who was trying to arrange herself

properly as she sat beside Giovanni with Rebecca blocking any exit immediately focused

on the girl. Giovanni just sat back with a careless grin on his face, looking reminiscentlyof the time when she saw him with Chase awhile back.

Natasja wiggled more comfortable into her uncomprising seat before responding

and even then took a moment to construe a response. “I can’t exactly say that he isn’t hot but that wasn’t my exact line of thought.” She hoped her voice sounded quite as casual as

she had intended it.“Well now you have me interested,” chimed in Rebecca in all seriousness.

“I can just bet what going through your mind darling, quit it.” With all theromance movies that Rebecca read, it was a little disconcerting the amount of scenarios

Rebecca could concoct from her well-edited statements. Milan and Giovanni had all but

stopped eating as the focused on the conversation. And shockingly Giovanni preventedher from replying.

“Sadie ran her over about four months ago here when we were to be meeting a

friend to watch a movie. Later we met again when she totally asked Chase out only tostand him up.”

Natasja’s as well as Rebecca’s jaws fell whereas Milan laughed at the scene her

portrayed. If it had not been so horrifically misinterpreted, Natasja was certain it would be funny. She could not even form the word to discredit the latter statement when Milan

between fits of laughter asked about Chase dating Natalie. Thus began the tale where

Rebecca questioned if it was her sister that Chase was dating and Giovanni making non-

committal grunts as he finally found the appeal of food but not before the glint of devilishmischief brightened his cats’ eyes. The truth was derived from the other two girls as they

babbled more about her sister. “Oh, so that means you hooked up your sister with Chase

by pretending to be the date?”Or maybe the story was still a bit confused. “Let me explain,” she finally replied.

The quartet spoke for about two hours easily before anything of concern came up.

It was when the subject of CXC finally popped up by Giovanni complaining

about his school based assessment, SBA, which any level of seriousness came back tothem. The SBA’s which were a critical part of one’s CXC grade were really mini projects

that teachers graded and gave the results to the CXC board. Giovanni apparently was

stressing over his Geography SBA which was one major project unlike the multiple mini project Biology, Chemistry and Physics students got. Natasja listened making the

appropriate noises as she thought of her own SBA’s due the next day.

Her Chemistry teacher was being a total you-know-what and refused to let theSBA books out of the cupboard to take home. All because Jada, who was in Natasja’s

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class, had misplaced her book, the entire sixty odd students Mrs. Price taught would have

to suffer. Natasja did not understand why anybody had to be such a daft fool and steal thegirl’s book when everyone readily leant out their books. It was a team effort, no one

person could manage to keep up to date on all the SBA’s so they helped each other,

looking up things for each other and helping them with their labs. Now, instead of being

able carry their books home to talk everything out over Facebook or on the phone, theyhad to write them up in a thirty five minute session while the teacher nagged about

organic chemistry. Even Natasja who was practically the leprous girl was able to benefit

from her year mate’s kindness via the social sites. Now she was stumped having threesba’s to finish by the end of tomorrow.

As they related their SBA woes, Rebecca became noticeably quiet. She seemed to

just zone out of the group, looking anywhere but at the others. No one seemed to noticeas Natasja just steam rolled into the topic and covered any awkward pauses. She did not

know what she should think. She knew her family would want her to leave well enough

to be in Rebecca’s case. Her own thoughts seemed to shy away from wanting to knowwhat the problem was but her nagging conscience, though lessoned, was still curious

about what was going on through the other girl’s mind. It was now a question of what todo. “I am gonna go to the bathroom a sec, Rebecca?” Acquiescence were uttered and the

two girls left for the bathroom.As they made their way to the bathroom, Natasja could not help but feel awkward.

Everytime she had tried to help Rebecca before,it ended with her being hurt. It was weird

but even with that fact so clearly stated in her mind, she knew that she would forever regret not doing everything she could for Rebecca. She no longer blamed herself whole-

heartedy for the rot that her old friend had gotten into but she had been partially

responsible, as a friend who had been a hypocrite. She bit her lips, trying not to back out but kinf of wishing she could just stay out of Rebecca’s problems. But it would always

fall to one thing, Natasja remembered everything about Rebecca.

Nervousness was a part of her being, enfolding her in a dusty cloud of ant’s nests.She could not settle in the back seat of Mr. Sinclair’s car beside Natalie. Natalie provided

no comfort for her, also jittering about, talking like it was her last minute and she had the

most urgent things to say…as though she were a Martin Luther King. “Mom can you tellme about the school please, is it really snobbish? That’s what people say you know.”

Mrs. Sinclair who was at the front passengers seat just turned around momentarily and

smiled at the two girls, “ Do not worry, highschool is only what you make of it.” Said inher tolerantly amused voice Natasja did not take any heed to what she was saying, and

neither did Natalie beside her, apparently as she continued chattering on about her new

school.

Seeing the school for the first time was a shock. The school looked pretty with atennis court and a seating area covered with vines shading it. It was sort of stepping back

in time where nature looked so rustically beautiful but at the same time so obviously theschool screamed ‘elite’. Tennis after all was not the sport for the poor and judging from

the gigantic pool next to it, the school seemed to be going for the jugular. But aside from

that the school cold have passed for simply different with construction work marking thelandscape with boards artfully arranged to not detract from the surroundings and pebbles

lining the walk way, crunching noisily underneath the students gleaming black shoes that

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quickly faded to grey-brown as the day progressed. This was a school that was clearly

different from the poorer schools she had seen in passing before. Natasja quickly made her way to class and just as quickly wished she had never

arrived. Gulping down as tears of terror and discomfort assailed her she tried in vain to

assess her class in a more positive light than her flight glance led her to believe. White

people, Indians, Chinese, and yeah of course the not so terrifying black were there too.She knew she was being racist but she could not help it. She was in Jamaica and the only

time she saw Caucasians was on the television and to be honest, no where outside of the

tv box. Chinese was not so bad but really, she only ever saw them in wholesales. Indianswas the least problematic of the three, they could be rich or whatever in the mix but

somehow Natasja highly doubted that the children before her could ever be described as

being within her social circle. She had never been in a class with the students being of adifferent colour than black and so she was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Uhm, this is 1G right?” asked a soft voice behind her, looking just as anxious as

Natasja had looked ten minutes ago. Natasja had not really wanted to face the personknowing that if they were one of the Caucasian or Chinese children she would utterly

freak out. The girl, however, was a petite, delicately chubby girl who had the mostsqueezable cheeks ever. Natasja let out a breath as she gave her first unsteady smile since

entering the school. “Yeah, it is.” The girl peaked around Natasja’s shoulders and gave ascrem of delight as she saw a friend and the conversation if it was that, ended. That had

been the first time she had seen Rebecca Sanchez as the register later in class identified

her as. And because of that one appearance of normality, Natasja relaxed slightly andsettled into class.

As the days progressed, the ice finally melted somewhat to a shake worthy shake

like the one you got a Burger King. Natasja read novels throughout her classes, all thewhile trying to hide the cover as they were so gross. They were romance novels and a few

boys who sat near to her had already snickered about it. There was one girl though who

seemed really interested in them. The first time Natasja noticed her was when she hadcome to her locked and asked to see the novel.

The girl was Indian so obviously Natasja was on her guard. She had dark oily skin

and an elf like face with a small mouth, small pert nose and wide dark brown eyes that

though pretty could not compete with the beauty of her hair, as long and vibrant as theMississippi river and as wild and untamed as a desert forest. It reached her to the middle

of her back and was plaited into about a dozen large plaits.

“Hey can you bring one for me tomorrow?” she asked as she finished skimmingthough the blurb. Natasja had to do a double take at that. No one else seemed to read

these novels. “Wow, you are one of the only persons I know who read novels.” She gave

a mischievous smile and then admitted quite cheerfully, “Love them just that my mom

doesn’t buy them for me.” Blink, blink…satisfied that she had hear correctly a big grinlit Natsaja’s face, “That’s so cool, I’ll look for one for one, any special kind?” That was

the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Her name was Zhane.

Natasja started eating with Zhane and apparently Rebecca and Zhane had becomefriends so we too became friends. Danielle was also a close friend of Zhane’s so Natasja

made yet another friend. The quadruplet was crazy. Zhane and Natasja both loved to

read, Danielle and Zhane could both act outlandishly ghetto and feisty at times andRebecca was the darling baby of the group. The soon found out they had Harry Potter in

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common and that was where casual friendship turned into complete true friendship. They

watched the movies together over Rebecca’s house which was in Natasja’s mind veryhuge and perfectly rich. The wealth did not matter though at that point, half the school

was rich so she was bound to have at least one rich friend.

Natasja remembered them watching Disney channel together with Zac Effron and

Corbin Bleu of High School Musical being our ultimate crushes. From the others shelearnt to do her work and rarely cheated. They bonded especially close in this manner. At

the time, Rebecca’s parents were strict about grades- either high grades or a fate that

always left their friend crying earnestly at the sight of a seventy percent. We boosted eachother and just acted like sisters.

And that sisterhood had lasted four years until one of the four, namely Natasja

decided to be different.

Cutting into that memory, however, was the bittersweet memory of Lillian-her

very first friend. That memory as far more vague and only glimpses remained but onething was certain, Natasja had wanted Lillian best friend as her own. That started

animosity on both sides but the only thing that mattered was that she was surrounded bythe coolest person she knew- Renee. She was confident, poised, upper-class with theclipped accept and all. She was simply amazing to Natasja eleven year old mind- a mind

that was used to poverty and the meanest people having been a part of a dysfunctional

family until she was nine. And Lillian with her musically inclined, over talented self wanted to have something that made Natasja feel like more of a person. It made her

dislike her from the very offset.

Renee had inspired both Lillian to write as she herself wrote beautifully. Natasjafound that she was extremely passionate about it, She could write anything, she could

release her own personality into her characters and mould them which was unlike any

other experience she had had before. And then during stalemates with Lillian ahw would

read her stories and she would read Natasja’s. But as Natasja read more and more of Lillian’s story, she began to see similarities with her own and it nearly made her explode

in anger. Tears could not express how torn she was to see her story duplicated. It was like

being raped was one of the kindest ways that Natasja put it. Her work defiled, she hatedLillian.

But even with all this animosity, at times, it was as if they were true friends, they

consoled each other when no one else really understood what they were feeling.Especially when Renee got caught cutting herself and drinking at school, it was only the

two girls left. Not even Zhane and the others could quite understand the bond they had.

Throughout the gothic slash emo phase, they were together. They tried to help each other

but because they never truly forgave each other for all the malice they put towards each

other in first form, they soon broke up again, Lillian to be with friends from another classand Natasja to focus on pulling out of the doldrums with her other friends. Natasja had

given up writing and only read while Lillian with her new crew were known as the future best-selling authors and never again did their paths cross.

The two girls, at the age of twelve and half realized was that they were happier with their other friends and the past, whatever friendship they had should have been

discarded. And only their original hatred remained.

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“Tahj, are you okay?” asked Rebecca, holding Natasja’s hugging her in a

comforting though awkward manner. Natasja felt tears scalding her face and realizedwith a start that she had been crying. She looked up in her old friend’s face and at the

sight of the concern in the no longer childishly plump face of Rebecca, she just wanted to

burrow her head in her shoulders and cry. Absently she thought she might need to take

her medication as she definitely was feeling something. Forgetting about Rebecca’s problems for the first time, she could only cry. “I-I’m”, she could not find the words that

she really wished to use at that moment. She did not even know what she wanted to say

but seeing Zhane and Jessica walk in just then made her cry even more.“I’m sorry,” Natasja whispered as she tried to wipe her eyes to clear the evidence

from them and she ran away.

Big Girls Don’t Cry(“We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right

down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll

smile and recall for just one moment we had it all."-Unknown)

Chapter 10

Zhane had invited some friends over for a study marathon after her extra classes.

She was officially on study leave and teachers were arranging dates all over the place so

that her classmates could get consultation. At first Rebecca thought she would have tostay over Zhane’s house and study by herself but when she had asked if she could go,

Zhane had shrugged and just dragged her with her. Rebecca could not explain how

heavenly it had been to go back to her old school and learn. The teachers who had previously confused her were explaining everything. She could ask dozens of questions

as thay went through past papers and she felt totally invigorated for the study marathon at

Zhane’s home afterwards.Rebecca was sitting at the back of the 6A lecture room where the chemistry

consultation with Miss. James was taking place. Shanice was at the board doing one of

the Chemistry of Cooking questions involving the baking of dough and carmelisation.Rebecca was doing a multiple choice from 2000.The questions were repetitive and she

loved it. The first couple of times he had needed her textbook to stand vigil beside her

folder paper with her answers but as one past paper turned into another the folder papers

had grown in number to about ten and her textbook was on the table in front of her. It was

amazing, she felt right at home .Rebecca looked up at Shannon’s answer on the board trying to assimilate the

information but really, cooking stuff was not her strong suit. “Shannon, could you explainthat? What is happening to the starch from the flour?” Shannon explained everything,

going over the board with her finger and Miss. James just looked on nodding at points.

By the end of the lecture Rebecca felt it safe to return to the textbook and confirm themysteries of cooking. Why was cooking even a part of the exam, she thought for not the

first time.

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The chemistry textbook was not as confusing to read as it had been before. It only

cemented her thought processes now. It was a week before CSEC and while others whoRebecca had always thought of as smart and did not have to worry about anything sat in

the class looking confounded, she looked on in astonishment. What a year or more of

teaching had not explained this week had and it had not taken Zhane fighting her

constantly. The thought of Zhane cussing anyone was enough to make her chuckle. Never.

There was no external force driving her to achieve. Instead she found that in her

mind she had a choice but the choice was made without really considering it. She couldcontinue by herself as she had been doing before or she could accept that she was not

alone, she friends who were all going through the same crap as her. CSEC did not torture

some and leave others unaffected. People like Shannon responded with hard wondetermination, battling every challenge and hounding her books like some went to parties

or ate sweets. And others balanced it out even though Rebecca would not have thought so

at first. Tatiana and Jessica seemed to idle during fourth form but as fifth form kicked in,the extra lessons had apparently become their best friends and sleep became a distant

dream. And there were people like Rebecca who it seemed could not have a break at first,always failing- but shockingly at the end of the day, she would find her way to the exams,

prepared and ready to roar! At least a tiny roar of 74% as her grades looked so far andthat was an average of all her grades so she was practically set.

Finale:

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Chances are…life continues but will you

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Change my style yo