Launching Your Teen into Adulthood : Parenting through the Transition

Sending your child into the big, wide world is one of the scariest things you’ll ever do as a parent. Th ere are so many questions: When should they leave? What will they need? How will you know they’re ready?

Find the answers you need in this confi dent, thought-ful guide. Launching Your Teen into Adulthood helps par-ents and teens navigate one of life’s biggest transitions by providing a fl ight plan for the journey to adulthood. You’ll fi nd information on:

( Deciding whether or not college is the next step

( Preparing for the workplace

( Dealing with money

( Living independently

( Making safe choices

( Handling changing relationships

( Developing a mindset for success

Each chapter includes anecdotes, checklists, and other resources to help you and your teen prepare for life after high school—whether that means going to college or working, joining the military or volunteering abroad, staying at home or living alone. Launching Your Teen into Adulthood is the perfect guide to help you and your child take that fi rst fl ight into the wild blue yonder.

FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / PARENTING / GENERAL

LAUNCHING

YOUR

TEEN INTO

Patricia Hoolihan

ADULTHOODP A R E N T I N G T H R O U G H T H E T R A N S I T I O N

Hoolihan

LAU

NC

HIN

G YO

UR TEEN

INTO

AD

ULTH

OO

D

www.search-institute.org

LAUNCHING

YOUR

TEEN INTO

ADULTHOODPA R E N T I N G T H R O U G H T H E T R A N S I T I O N

Patricia Hoolihan

Launching Your Teen into Adulthood: Parenting through the TransitionPatricia Hoolihan

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isbn-13: 978–1–57482–189-5 (E-book)

CreditsEditor: Susan WoottenBook Design: Wendy HoldmanProduction Supervisor: Mary Ellen Buscher

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hoolihan, Patricia. Launching your teen into adulthood : parenting through the transition / Patricia Hoolihan. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. isbn-13: 978-1-57482-273-1 (pbk. : alk. paper) isbn-10: 1-57482-273-x (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Parent and teenager. 2. Teenager—Finance, Personal. I. Title.HQ799.15.H66 2009649’.125—dc22

2009025514

About Search Institute PressSearch Institute Press is a division of Search Institute, a nonprofi t organization that off ers leadership, knowledge, and resources to pro-mote positive youth development. Our mission at Search Institute Press is to provide practi-cal and hope-fi lled resources to help create a world in which all young people thrive. Our products are embedded in research, and the 40 Developmental Assets—qualities, experiences, and relationships youth need to succeed—are a central focus of our resources.

Contents

Preface viiIntroduction

Dreams (and What It Takes to Get Th ere) Senior Year: Th e Emotional Roller Coaster Exploring Work, Service, and Other Paths Looking for the Right College Money, Money, Money: Learning to

Handle It Wisely Navigating the Financial Aid Maze Preparing Your Teen for Independent Living Living at Home after Graduation Independent Living (and All Th at Comes with It) Pack, Unload, and Leave Th is Is It! Th e Parenting Shift Supporting Your Teen’s Problem-Solving Skills Your Teen and You: Th e Emerging

Adult-to-Adult Relationship Honoring the Parental Passage

Resources for Parents and Teens

• A High School Time Line for Parents and Teens • Th e College Application Package • Key Dates for the High School Senior Year

Calendar

Bibliography Acknowledgments Index

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Introduction

I n high school, teens stretch themselves in many direc-tions—academically, socially, physically, and emotion-

ally—and they need parents whose fl exibility allows them to grow into competent, independent young adults during this transitional period.

One father wondered how he could parent his son in a respectful, “hands-off ” way when his son decided to live at home after high school to work and attend a nearby com-munity college. Th e father wanted to prevent the worries he had for his son’s future from infecting their good relation-ship. Importantly, he recognized that his concerns arose in part from his own experiences, and he understood that it would be counterproductive to project them onto his son. Still, it’s not easy to change the way you parent, even when insights like this one dawn. As you prepare to launch your teen, you’ll fi nd support in these pages for shifting your par-enting style toward a solid advisory role that can serve you well into the future.

Th is book focuses on the crucial years of preparation—all of high school, really—and situations parents face in the fi rst months and years after launching teens. Launching Your Teen into Adulthood explores the factors that make up that successful launch: what it takes to prepare young people for life after high school, help them defi ne and move confi dent-ly toward their goals, and cope with challenges along the way. Anecdotes from parents who have already made the

X

W LAUNCHING YOUR TEEN INTO ADULTHOOD

passage are included here to shed light on your own experi-ence. Each chapter ends with a “to-do” list of practical items that remind you to communicate clearly and guide with a sure touch.

Th e following topics are addressed:

• Chapter 1, Dreams (and What It Takes to Get Th ere), off ers helpful questions, tools, and resources for encouraging teens to begin to think about future careers, college, technical training, and other post–high school experiences.

• Chapter 2, Senior Year: Th e Emotional Roller Coaster, focuses on the fi nal year of high school and its demands on parents and students alike.

• Chapter 3, Exploring Work, Service, and Other Paths, summarizes a variety of post–high school alternatives to college.

• Chapter 4, Looking for the Right College, lists helpful resources for conducting a college search and walks parents through practical ways to assist teens with this task.

• Chapter 5, Money, Money, Money: Learning to Handle It Wisely, discusses the all-important money management topics that teens need to understand to be money-wise.

• Chapter 6, Navigating the Financial Aid Maze, outlines important steps for parents and teens when applying for fi nancial aid, grants, and scholarships.

• Chapter 7, Preparing Your Teen for Independent Living, contains advice on preparing to move out, important parent/teen conversations, and parents’ shifting roles.

INTRODUCTION V

• Chapter 8, Living at Home after Graduation, pro-vides a thoughtful approach to parenting teens when they continue to live at home after graduation.

• Chapter 9, Independent Living (and All Th at Comes with It), covers issues of health care, roommate and personal relationships, alcohol and substance use, diff erent lifestyles, and more.

• Chapter 10, Pack, Unload, and Leave, provides help-ful ideas to prepare for and fi nesse the big moving day.

• Chapter 11, Th is Is It! Th e Parenting Shift, explores ways parents can stay connected to teens and fi nd the balance that supports a teen’s independence and problem-solving.

• Chapter 12, Supporting Your Teen’s Problem-Solving Skills, off ers tips for supporting teens as they fi gure out their own solutions to problems and determining when parental assistance is necessary.

• Chapter 13, Your Teen and You: Th e Emerging Adult-to-Adult Relationship, takes a creative approach to bonding with teens as they emerge into adulthood, off ering snapshots of various approaches and reminders to parents that there is fun to be had in the years ahead.

• Chapter 14, Honoring the Parental Passage, sug-gests ways parents can acknowledge their own par-enting accomplishments and hopes for the future.

• Resources for Parents and Teens provides addi-tional tips, including “A High School Time Line for Parents and Teens,” “Th e College Application Package,” and “Key Dates for the High School Senior Year Calendar.”


• Th e Bibliography off ers a wealth of suggested read-ing on topics related to values clarifi cation, assessing the job market, college admissions, essay writing, and more.

If you were planning to sail along an unfamiliar water-way, you’d fi rst study maps, identify navigational markers, and devise strategies for coping with the unexpected. In the same way, you can use this book and its resources to guide you through the new territory ahead. Everything changes as our children enter their late teens, and exponentially so. Th ey can drive, they can vote, and they take up so much more physical space! No longer are they merely passengers in your boat; rather, they become co-navigators in some stage of launching their own craft alongside you. Th e beauty of the trip, then, is in acknowledging the passage as you travel together, and keeping an intentional eye on the des-tinations ahead: theirs and yours. It is a remarkable journey.

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CHAPTER 1

Dreams (and What It Takes to Get Th ere)

If one advances confi dently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU

T he high school years and the fi rst years beyond are times of transition—passages from one place, condi-

tion, or action to another. Ultimately, all teens must answer the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and work through the steps that will lead them to their des-tinations. While some of our own peers settled early on their life’s work and pursued it single-mindedly, many, many oth-ers entertained ideas that fell into the “needs more explor-ing” category. Th e people in this group experimented with several careers and pursued multiple interests. Our children are likely to do the same.

As adults, we can relate to teens who aren’t sure which direction to take—there are so many diff erent directions they can take. Th is awareness of a teen’s dreams and goals is an important part of parenting. Acknowledging your teen’s ideas for the future is one part of helping prepare her or him to make choices and set goals that she or he can weave into school, work, and relationship choices.

X


How do we help our children make the kind of informed choices and plans that will ensure meaningful futures? How do we help them reach for their dreams while factoring in the realities of fi nancial and situational limitations? One school counselor maintains that it is so important for par-ents simply to be with their kids during this transition. Go for coff ee with your teen, travel to schools or potential job sites together, and listen as he fi gures out what he wants and needs to do next. Favorite meals or family movie nights can be counterpoints to frequent parental nudges about meeting deadlines. Teens need to sense that the home is a place of relaxation and comfort, a place where they can “chill.” Often, so much is going on in their lives that they don’t even realize the full impact of all that intensity.

Exploring Passions and Supporting Dreams

Adrienne Diercks is founder of the Minneapolis-based Project

SUCCESS, a nonprofit organization that supports middle

school and high school students as they transition to school,

work, and beyond. Diercks says her organization “encourages

kids not only to think about their dreams, but also to take

action toward making those dreams come true by identifying

and defining practical goal-oriented steps.” She says parents

need to acknowledge that “kids are dying to be heard.” Over

and over, the number-one suggestion offered by Diercks and

youth leaders, school counselors, and education profession-

als is that parents listen—really listen—to their kids and

spend time being with them, a key part of empowering them

to make good choices.

When a teen tells Diercks that her goal is to attend

Harvard (or the local university or school of culinary arts),

or find an apprenticeship or enlist in the military, she first

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DREAMS AND WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THERE V

asks, “What do you know about this school (or program)?

And what is it that makes you want to go there [or try that]?

Let’s do some research together to find out more about this

option.” If a teen says to his parents, “I think I want to be a

firefighter,” Diercks suggests that parents ask similar ques-

tions. “What do you know about this type of job? What about

it appeals to you? Would you like to talk with someone who

has been a firefighter for 20 years?” She makes a point of con-

necting teens in her program to mentors who can continue

the conversation in a useful way, even if the outcome propels

a teen in another direction.

Diercks says teens often feel inundated by questioners

who ask them what they want to do when they grow up.

They experience a good deal of social and cultural pres-

sure as a result. Sometimes it’s helpful to acknowledge a

teen’s need for a break from that pressure. And at times,

it’s just wise to ask gentler, less pressure-filled questions,

such as “How are you doing today?” or “Senior year can be

so stressful—how is it going for you?” or “What good things

happened to you today?”

Since the future is never very far from a teen’s mind (or

yours!), simply spending time together can encourage the kind

of goal clarification and processing that teens need to do to

make good decisions. This soul-searching passage has several

components, and having discussions with adult “guides” is one

of the most important. Research is also key, as is making good

use of available resources, of which there are many.

Naming Goals and Defi ning Steps

What are your child’s dreams? What are his gifts? What are her interests? How does he want to provide a living for himself in the world? What does she want to contribute to

V


making the world a better place for others? Th e late teen years are a wonderful time for individual exploration, but they are also a time for focus, even if a teen’s focus is slow to become clear.

Ask your child at key points—the start of the school year and the beginning of a new activity—what her goals are. Setting goals is so important, as is outlining the steps need-ed to achieve them. You can model eff ective goal-setting by mentioning some goals you’ve achieved and by continuing to demonstrate your own learning. Be sure to talk about prog-ress toward your goals and the steps they will require. Share new things you’ve learned along the way.

During our daughter’s high school years, her athletic coaches were helpful in articulating the process of visual-izing dreams and planning the steps that would make them a reality. It’s what good coaches and mentors do and they do it all the time, often with real skill. For this reason, nur-ture your teen’s connections to coaches, youth leaders, the-ater directors, teachers, club sponsors, caring relatives and neighbors, and other special adults in her life.

A coach or other activity leader may provide your teen with a goal sheet to fi ll out and post in a visible place. Th ere is something very powerful about looking regularly at writ-ten goals to help you think about the daily steps involved in reaching them and to feel that they are worth achieving. Many life lessons are learned through goal-setting, which can deepen and enrich a teen’s journey throughout these years of transition.

A friend relayed the story of a businessman who had built his company from scratch. He wrote down his goals—both big and small—on pieces of paper he kept tucked inside his pock-et. Th is businessman could physically touch his goals, often and daily. Th ose scraps of paper were touchstones, especially important at times when he felt disappointed or tired.

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IndexX529 savings plans, 86, 87

academic transcript, 62acceptance, to college, 71, 72activities, sharing, 159–162admissions process, 72Advanced Placement classes,

105alcohol, 108, 109, 114, 126, 150

struggling with, 152, 153American College Test (ACT),

57, 70AmeriCorps, 34–37, 46application deadlines, 70auditions, 65, 66, 94

budgeting, 76, 78, 82tools, online, 79

care packages, 143career

centers, 46, 58inventories, 60, 72

certifi cates of deposit, 87change of schools, 24checking account, 77Chura, Hillary, 88, 91Coburn, Karen Levin, 79, 152Cohen, Harlan, 109, 126, 128

College Board Book of Majors, Th e, 11

College Level Examination Program (CLEP), 105

collegeapplication process, 47, 48guidebooks to, 50researching, 47–49visits, 64, 65, 72

Colleges Th at Change Lives, 51, 52

communication, 113, 118, 127, 139, 140, 143, 162

community service programs, 34

counseling centers, 41course catalog, 106course registration, 113Coverdell Education Savings

Account (ESA), 87, 88Creative Colleges, 51credit, 78

cards, 79, 80, 82history, 81reports, 79, 81, 82scores, 79, 82

deadlines, 53, 54, 113decisions, 24, 67, 68


Department of Education, 91

departure, 27, 28depression, 150–152Diercks, Adrienne, 6, 7Dillon, Sam, 70disappointment, 13, 14, 16drop off , 130, 131dropping out, 148–150due dates, 113

early action, 69–71early decisions, 69–71eating disorders, 150education deductions, 98education tax credits, 98empty nest 168essay, 63, 69Essex, Dana, 139Expected Family Contribution

(EFC), 91, 92expenses, sharing, 102, 104experiential programs, 12

FAFSA, 89–92, 99Fair Isaac, 82Federal Pell Grant, 95Federal Perkins Loan

Program, 95Federal Supplemental

Educational Opportunity Grant (FSEOG), 95

Financial aid, 72, 83fi nancing higher education,

84, 85Fiske Guide to Colleges, 11, 50

freshman orientation, 104–106

friendships, 111, 126, 127,128

Gates Millennium Scholars Program, 93

Glasser, William, 55goals, 7–9, 13, 14, 16, 41, 52, 53,

119, 155, 168good-byes, 21, 22, 131, 132, 134,

135grades, 150graduation day, 29grants, 92, 93gratitude, 169–171grieving, 20, 171

health care, 104, 125Heath, Julian, 22Holland, John, 10, 61home, living at, 115Hope Credit, 87, 98

identity shift, 165–167illness, family, 15independent living, 101, 121interest inventories, 10interests, 10, 159–162Internal Revenue Service, 86,

98International Baccalaureate

(IB) programs, 105

Job Corps, 34jobs, full-time, 33journal, 21

INDEX V

Kuder Career Planning System, 61

leaders, 15learning disability, 116, 117letter of recommendation, 63letting go, 154, 155, 156Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to

Understanding the College Years, 79, 152

Lewin, Tamar, 89Lifetime Learning Credit, 88,

98Lions Clubs, 92living alone, 121, 122Loud and Clear, 157

managing time, 106, 107mementos, home, 102mentor, 7–10military, enlisting in, 43–45Muchnick, Jeanne, 33Myers-Briggs Type Indicator,

10

Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into In College, Th e, 109, 127, 128

National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE), 76, 80, 82

National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS), 38, 46

NCAA Initial-Eligibility Clearinghouse Form, 93

Occupational Outlook Handbook, 11

Occupational Outlook Quarterly, 11

packing, 102, 113, 129, 130, 134

Parent Loans for Undergraduate Students (PLUS), 96, 97

parent loans, 96parental passage, 163–165parenting

shift, 137, 138style, 107

Parenting Teens Online, 33Police Explorers, 42portfolios, 65, 66, 94professional help, teen needs,

149, 150public service, 42

Quindlen, Anna, 157

regular admission deadlines, 69

rejection, 72relationships, 110–112

long-distance, 112with teachers, 54

research, 72, 118rolling admission, 69roommates, 102, 103, 119, 124,

127, 128freshmen, 122

Rotary Clubs, 92


rulesfamily, 113reinventing, 107, 108

safety awareness, 125, 126, 128savings bonds, 87scholarships, 92, 93, 98

arts, 94, 95athletic, 93, 94

Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), 57, 70

school counselor, 54–57, 62, 105

school, applying for, 61, 62self-assessment, 10Self-Directed Search, 10, 61senior events, 27, 29senior year, diffi culties, 23sexual behavior, 109, 110, 114skilled trades, 41, 42sleep, 128

deprivation, 124Strong Interest Inventory, 60

Student Aid Report (SAR), 91student loans, 95, 96, 99SUCCESS, 6, 12support, 18, 19, 44, 152, 155

tax breaks, 100teacher recommendation, 64traveling, 13, 38–40Treeger, Madge Lawrence, 79,

152tuition expense, 83

UTMA/UGMA accounts, 88

visitscollege and career center,

58, 59from teen, 140–142home, 143

vocational schools, 33

waiting, 67, 68work-study jobs, 97, 98

Sending your child into the big, wide world is one of the scariest things you’ll ever do as a parent. Th ere are so many questions: When should they leave? What will they need? How will you know they’re ready?

Find the answers you need in this confi dent, thought-ful guide. Launching Your Teen into Adulthood helps par-ents and teens navigate one of life’s biggest transitions by providing a fl ight plan for the journey to adulthood. You’ll fi nd information on:

( Deciding whether or not college is the next step

( Preparing for the workplace

( Dealing with money

( Living independently

( Making safe choices

( Handling changing relationships

( Developing a mindset for success

Each chapter includes anecdotes, checklists, and other resources to help you and your teen prepare for life after high school—whether that means going to college or working, joining the military or volunteering abroad, staying at home or living alone. Launching Your Teen into Adulthood is the perfect guide to help you and your child take that fi rst fl ight into the wild blue yonder.

FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / PARENTING / GENERAL

LAUNCHING

YOUR

TEEN INTO

Patricia Hoolihan

ADULTHOODP A R E N T I N G T H R O U G H T H E T R A N S I T I O N

Hoolihan

LAU

NC

HIN

G YO

UR TEEN

INTO

AD

ULTH

OO

D

www.search-institute.org

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Launching Your Teen into Adulthood : Parenting through the Transition