LESSON 8

Transition from Childhood to AdulthoodDevelopment of the Private Vs. Public Personality

Presented by

THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE

OVER THE PERSON’S LIFE SPAN, THE VULNERABILITY OF THEIR BASIC NEEDS FOR SURVIVAL DECREASE AND THEIR DEPENDENCE ON OTHER’S DECREASES AS A FUNCTION OF

THEIR INCREASE IN COMPETENCY OF WILL AND SKILL

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ADOLESCENCE: THE TRANSITION FROM PAST TO FUTUREADOLESCENCE: THE TRANSITION FROM PAST TO FUTURE

Wanting to be an adult and appear to have all of their Freedom of choice [especially vices] and movement.

Wanting to appear to have the key possessions of an adult.Wanting to appear to have adult knowledge and wisdom.Resenting having to assume adult cares and responsibilities.Being anxious about the uncertainties involved in future

choices needed to become an adult.Being afraid of not being able to cope or survive dangers.Ridiculing childishness in peers and adults.Shaming and teasing peers into exceeding their limits and

feigning adult freedoms and prerogatives.Associating with older peers and/or young adults.

Wanting to remain a child and play and be carefree.Wanting to be taken care of and have no responsibilities.Being ashamed of showing any signs of childhood.Being afraid of seeming naive and not having adult skills.Forgetting one’s childhood.Ridiculing childishness in people younger.Avoiding the company of younger people.

ADOLESCENCEFEARS OF NOT LOOKING GROWN UP

ADOLESCENTSAges 12 through 18

The horrible in-between period and its affects on looking backward and forward with ambivalence and increasing tendencies for

exaggerated, paradoxical behavior.

FEARS OF FEARS OF TRANSITION TO TRANSITION TO ADULTHOODADULTHOOD

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DThe Anxiety of the Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

THE PUBLIC - PRIVATE SPLIT IN THE PERSONALITY VERSUS AUTHENTICITY

SITUATIONALIDENTITY AT

HOMESITUATIONAL

IDENTITYSOCIALIZING

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HEALTHY, MATURE

AUTHENTICITY

Inner Child

SITUATIONAL IDENTITYAT SCHOOL AND WORK

BruisBruiseded

InnerInnerChildChild

What does it take to recover:

The Adolescent develops into the Public-Private Split and begins to differentiate into Public Personas for each situation, always hiding the Private Person.

So You Wondered Why I Am So Moody, Touchy, Critical, and Defensive!

This is the way I am, or at least the way I feel I am, or what I think about myself when I start to obsess about me!

This is the way I want to be or how I want people to see me.

If I want to make sure people think of me as like my ideal, I have

to make up stories that caste me in that light, whether they are

true or not. If people see my actual behavior or hear things about

me that are more like my negative self image, I will lie or

rationalize to cover up and shore up my ideal image. Either way, I

am lying. If I get caught and found out, I will be humiliated. Life

will be over for me. This keeps me anxious and defensive all the

time. It also makes me hypersensitive to signs that others are

engaged in pretense, embellishment, lying, or rationalizing. I get

really critical of them, put them down, call them hypocrites, and

tell on them to all my friends. I am so insecure about puffing

myself up that I attack anyone else I see doing it, even when they

are justified in what they say about themselves. I can be really

merciless in putting people down, even my friends! But, when I

think about what I am doing too much, I can really get down on

myself, sink into the pits of despair and wish I were dead.

Sometimes I really think I’m great and got

everyone else to think so too. Then my

mood is great.

Sometimes I’m humiliated and think I’m the

pits. Then my mood is awful.

I want people to see me as older, more adult, and as a shining star, at least in something. But, I’m afraid I'm not, so I sometimes shy away for the spot light. Then I hate it because I lost my chance!!

SPLITTING AND POLARIZING SELF ESTEEM INTO PUBLIC VERSUS PRIVATE, HIGH AND LOW AND ITS CONSEQUENCES FOR MOOD, PERFORMANCE, AND RELATIONSHIPS

• The higher the Public self esteem, the more vulnerable, hypersensitive, anxious the person is. The lower the Private self esteem, the more it is compensated for by the Public self esteem. But, as the Public self esteem escalates, any degree of imperfection, failure, criticism, slighting, one-up-man-ship, appearance of awkwardness or ignorance can plunge the person into self doubt, paranoid fantasies, scheming or actual retaliation, or depression. With the negative feedback to the Public self, the Private self esteem plunges lower and the reaction is to try to once again pump up the Public self esteem. This process is like a spring that, when suddenly pressed down, rebounds even higher. When it reaches the top, it gets bashed back down again in a never ending bouncing up and down

• When the private self is more objectively assessed from the perspective of a non judgmental, neutral observer provided by bonding with the therapist, the private self’s esteem begins to increase. As the Private self esteem is more comfortably accepted, the need to exaggerate the Public self esteem decreases and the person becomes less vulnerable and anxious and performance and relationships actually improve, thus leading to an increase in Private self esteem. Polarization is reduced and there is a progression toward an integrated self with realistic expectations of self, greater tolerance of negative feedback, criticism, and faux pas and less dependence upon the self’s standing in the self esteem ratings, less dependence on external evaluation, and more satisfaction with the processes of living, achieving, and relating.

HIGHER

LOWER

LOW PUBLIC SELF ESTEEM.

HIGH PRIVATE SELF ESTEEM.

As the public self esteem is presented higher, the private self esteem goes lower, and vice versa.

LOW PRIVATE SELF ESTEEM.

As public self esteem is presented lower, the private self esteem goes higher, and vice versa.

HIGH PUBLIC SELF ESTEEM.

LOWER

HIGHER

INFERRING THE PUBLIC-PRIVATE SELF ESTEEM SPLIT

If you want to know if you have such a Public-Private self esteem polarization, ask your self if you ever have a defensive reaction to comments by others, while in social situations, that slighted or put you down, corrected or criticized you, ridiculed you or joked at your expense, or compared you or something related to you to others unfavorably. Did you find yourself, later and when alone or with a trusted confidante, reexamining the event, trying to find explanations, defending yourself, licking your wounds, or fantasizing how to get back at and hurt the offender and justify yourself?

Pollyanna

Indulgent, Kind and Lenient

WAYS OF BEING, EGO STATES, AND EGO FEELINGS:THEIR DESCRIPTION AND HOW THEY HELP UNDERSTAND YOUTHS’ BEHAVIOR

• Views of the world, ways of being, and inner feelings are all related concepts referring to inner phenomena that are extremely difficult to know because our everyday awareness is directed primarily toward the external and secondarily toward the inner.

• Three ideas we will deal with here require focus on immediately past inner 1. ‘feelings’ and their causal relation to external events.• The 2. ‘way of being’ concept is related to the expression, “That’s just the way I am.” • The 3. ‘world view’ refers to the way the world is seen in but in the way that is unique to each individual. • Regardless of the way others see the world, each individual has his/her own view of the world. They see every setting and situation

they enter from their unique way of seeing the world. Naturally, then, people are going to disagree in their interpretations of situations and events. Contrary impressions voiced by others are simply re-interpreted and rationalized to fit one’s own view.

• Since the world has this character of being painted with a brush dipped in each individual’s own color of paint, the person adapts their feelings, expectations, goals, and behavior to suit their own world view or color.

• If the world is seen as dangerous, ruthless, exploitative, and vindictive if crossed, the individual will feel and behave suspiciously and cautiously. The person may move through the world as though moving through enemy territory: wary, vigilant, attempting to anticipate and prepare for all possible negative eventualities.

• Below are three examples of the relations between one’s ‘way they are’ in the world and one’s ‘world view’. • ‘The way you are’ in the world, or wherever you go, is a generalized, more or less permanent state. The kinds of feelings and

experiences one has will, of course, change, but will tend to remain within a limited range most of the time. • The ‘way one is’ most of the time means that this person will usually have ‘feelings’ that typically go with that ‘way of being’.• Typical ways of ‘seeing the world’ tend to have typical ways of ‘feeling’ that go with it, because that is ‘the way one is’. • If the way you usually are is ‘being prepared for a fight’, then you may experience the feelings that come from an adrenaline rush.

You may also perceive that others are reacting in an intimidated manner, whether or not that is the actual truth. The adrenaline rush may be experienced as a sense of being powerful, and the feelings may be exciting and pleasant. These exhilarating effects may tend to reinforce this way of seeing the world, this way of being, and these kinds of feelings. This may create a desire for repetition of the experience. The flip side of this equation is that you have to be vigilant and anticipating and prepared for attack

Bleak

Pessimistic

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WORLD

WAYof

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Hostile and Exploitative

VIEW of the

WORLD

Belligerentand Defensive

WAYof

Being

EXAMPLES OF RELATION BETWEEN WORLD VIEW AND WAY OF BEING IN THE WORLD

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One Generation Becomes The Imposed Shadow Upon The Next For Three GenerationsOne Generation Becomes The Imposed Shadow Upon The Next For Three Generations

FIRST GENERATION

SUPPRESSED SHADOW

Public Persona

Implicit Parent

Implicit Parent

SECOND GENERATION

I want you to be and have and do and feel just like my suppressed shadow.

We want you to be and do and have and feel the way we think you should.

THIRD GENERATION

Imposed shadow of second generation becomes the public persona of the third

generation

Once again, the real self becomes the suppressed, private self or shadow.

Real self becomes suppressed shadow

I will be what you want me to be.

Second generation introjects its parents who then become implicit parents that suppress Second’s inner child and real self. The suppressed self then becomes the shadow which is then imposed on its own child. The imposed shadow becomes the Public Persona.

Parents have frustrated dreams Parents have frustrated dreams left over from their childhood. left over from their childhood. Parents hope their child can Parents hope their child can fulfill those frustrated dreams. fulfill those frustrated dreams. But, their child has its own But, their child has its own dreams that differ from the dreams that differ from the dreams parents have for them. dreams parents have for them. Parents insist on the child Parents insist on the child fulfilling their own dreams and fulfilling their own dreams and this requires the child suppress this requires the child suppress its own dreams in favor of its own dreams in favor of fulfilling the parents’ dreams. fulfilling the parents’ dreams. The child’s frustrated dream The child’s frustrated dream lies fallow until they have their lies fallow until they have their own child and then it surfaces own child and then it surfaces again and becomes imposed on again and becomes imposed on the new generation. Repeating the new generation. Repeating the cycle, they hope their child the cycle, they hope their child will fulfill their own unfulfilled will fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams.dreams.

THE PUBLIC - PRIVATE SPLIT IN THE PERSONALITY VERSUS AUTHENTICITY• The first questions that should be addressed relate to the conditions that induce the split in the personality. If

children in their early years are subjected to parenting styles that are Conditional, Neglecting, or Rejecting, they begin to develop a persona, a way of appearing to the parents, that is different from the way they truly are. With conditional parents children learn to try to gauge the parents expectations and perform up to those expectations, disregarding their own true desires, feelings, preferences, beliefs, and would-be goals. The motivations of these children center around gaining approval and avoiding disapproval. Their persona is often overly positive and compliant and ambitious. They are out of touch with their private person. They often feel bored, anxious, and unappreciated but either deny these feelings or keep them to themselves. Children with neglecting parents begin to take two paths, trying to get attention, even if it has to be negative attention, and feeling that their true desires, feelings, preferences, beliefs, and would-be goals are not worth bothering with. When they want to be, do, or have something, they simply hopelessly disregard themselves. Their persona, oddly, is either uncooperative and annoying or is uninvolved and detached. Their private person, on the other hand, may be engaged in dramatic, romantic, and heroic fantasies. The child with rejecting parents has a persona that is angry, resentful, cynical, critical, unhappy, pessimistic, solemn, and rebellious. Often their private person is clownish and has a fawning desire to be loved. Their outer person finds it difficult to become attached and belong but the private person, once some very understanding or needy person creates the conditions for them to become attached, the attachment is fierce and possessive yet reacts with violence to any signs in the relationship that make them insecure. The persona of the person who experienced conditional love is solicitous, tolerant, and always willing to do their share and the other’s too. The persona of the neglected person is distant, reluctant, unresponsive, and self effacing. The rejected persona is stormy, testing, longing for love and allowing their suspicion to undermine the possibility of being loved, giving yet with a readiness to attack when reciprocity is not forthcoming. In contrast, the person who had solicitous parents has a persona that is charming, expecting to be accepted and indulged, they are enchantingly manipulative in order to get their way, they feel they should be given to with out being expected to return the favor, and very pouty and demanding when the world does not cater to them. Their inner private is not so different in that it truly feels it is the center of the universe, it feels others should be devoted to them and gladly give of whatever is hard earned and cherished because of their superior worth. The solicited person easily takes advantage of those who experienced conditional love or were neglected. Relations with the rejected type may begin with their being just as devoted but they can quickly turn and be extremely vicious if they feel like they bare being taken advantage of or slighted. Pairing up with another solicited type can begin with their sharing a common view of people and the world and how the world should treat them, but they soon find themselves becoming bitter rivals for the whole pie. The person with the overprotected childhood has a persona that is apprehensive and dependent, a frail but valuable flower in a world that tramples, often in distress and expecting to be rescued, and admiring and grateful to the rescuer. However, the private person, while partly consistent with the persona, is imagining a capacity for great deeds, is longing to be included by the those in the middle of the select and admired. The other side to the private person is the tendency; to attribute to others a motive to actually hold them back and prevent them from gaining competence, independence and recognition for achieved status. The overprotected person feels a polarity of needing a appreciating those upon whom they are dependent for protection and a resentment of them as though their protectors were their prison guards. They attribute their fear of elf reliance to the other’s desire to keep them frail , dependent, and isolated.

Adolescents Use Signs to Demonstrate Their Independence

The way I dress is my own choice and has to be different, expressing my taste. Displaying my knowledge as being like what adults know Knowing how to act like an adult in adult situations. Buying and Spending like an adult, having possessions like an adult. Exhibiting adult vices, drinking, smoking, sex, etc. Adventuring into new places and territories by myself or with a peer. Not having to take orders or advice, being self determining, using own judgement. disagreeing with parents’ opinions, resisting suggestions and going to the opposite

extreme. Having control over one’s own time, when to go to bed, get up, eat, etc. Having privacy, a life parents are kept out of.

Adolescents check with one another endlessly to gain knowledge about the process of becoming adult by seeing what is cool, sophisticated, the latest, and by sharing tales and making invidious comparisons about incidents that demonstrate being cool or un-cool related to the criteria below

These strivings and comparisons become the basis for the social cannibalism that peaks in the early teen years.

One of Life’s Many Eternal Patterns:Eternal Recurrence of Human Falling Out and Reconciliation

I’m outa here! I

can’t take this crap!

I gotta get

back! I feel lost! I’m

sorry.

Accusation, shame, confusion, anxious flight, insight, transformation, return for reconciliation and repair, joyful reunion

I’m the parent. Don’t

dispute my word!

What’s going on with my parents? They are so stupid and out of touch. Well, that’s just too bad. I’m going to live my life my way and to hell with them!!!

I project my whole life into you, but I can’t control you.

You are so frustrating. I hate this. You make me

furious at you!

You’re out of my reach. I hate to let go, but I have no choice. I have to be resigned, but I am so anxious about your safety, security, and success. Well, to hell with you. You make your own bed and you’ll have to lie in it!!!

I’m so ashamed and depressed. My parents can’t accept me as I am. They can’t let me be me. I had to leave to be able to live my own life, so why do I feel banished, rejected, unloved?

Wow! I am alone and on my own. I’m so angry with them. They won’t let me be myself and be free. They won’t support or help me. I’ve got to get away but I’m so scared.

Well, to hell with them. I’ll show them. They don’t believe in me but I’ll really prove them wrong and then shove it in their faces!!

Man! I’m really doing OK. I’m doing great. I don’t feel rejected or alone so much any more. I am my own person. I am free. I am free to be me. I feel really good and I don’t need their approval to make me feel good and their disapproval doesn’t drive me nuts. I’m really free!!! Hey! I really am making it

on my own. I wish they could see me now! Maybe they’re not so bad after all.

Jumpin jehosophats! I’m flying. I’ve got a life. I’m somebody. Nothing can stop me now. I think I’ll go back and tell them about it. They’re not so bad. They may be too stuck in their ways and too proud to admit it, but they’ll eat their hearts out. So what if they still want to control and disapprove and reject. Nothing can bother me now!

Hey! Here I come, the conquering hero. Like it or not. Appreciate it or not. I made it in spite of you. I’ve got my own life and it’s a great one. I chose it. I did it my way. Regardless of what you think, I love it.

Well, I do declare! Would you look at this kid. Welcome home. Tell us all about it.You see, we raised this kid right after all!