Conflict Resolution: Dealing With Difficult People

Conflict Resolution: Dealing With Difficult People

Instructor:

Deborah Batson

CCT Business Training

Greenville, SC 29617

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the

difference between damaging your relationship and

deepening it. That factor is attitude.

William James

Dealing with Difficult People1. Overview of Conflict2. Conflict as Communication3. Benefits of Confrontation4. Preventing Problems5. Getting Focused6. Managing Anger7. Dealing with Problems8. Three Step Conflict Resolution Model9. Practice Makes Pretty Good10. Changing Yourself11. Why Don’t People do What They are Supposed To?12. De-stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly

Dealing with Difficult People

• Do you ever feel like everyone around you is simply having a bad day?

• Do you want to lock yourself in a room and avoid people?

Success comes from understanding how we behave, as well as how we can influence others.

Learn how to turn difficult situations into opportunities for growth!

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Session One: Course Overview

• Recognize how your own attitudes and actions impact others.

• Find new and effective techniques for dealing with difficult people.

• Learn some techniques for managing and dealing with anger.

• Develop coping strategies for dealing with difficult people and difficult situations.

Course Learning Objectives

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Toss away all the negatives!

Identify your Personal Objectives.

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Review

What is your greatest “take away” from this session?

1. Your own attitudes affect other people.True False

2. We can turn difficult situations into opportunities for growth.True False

3. You can develop coping strategies for dealing with difficult people.True False

Session Two: Conflict as Communication

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For good ideas and true innovation, you need human

interaction, conflict, argument, debate.

Margaret Heffernan

Understanding Conflict

• Conflict is a very normal part of healthy relationships.

• What is important, then, is to learn how to manage disagreements so that they do not harm relationships.

• We need to have conversations about accountability.• Find something that you like about that person, and you will be able to frame the conversation positively.

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Do We Have To Fight?

• Conflict arises from the differences between people.• Both parties’ needs play an important role in the success of the relationship.

• Each side deserves respect and consideration. • When you acknowledge the legitimacy of conflict and are willing to examine issues in a cooperative environment, you can open the door to creative problem solving, more cohesive teams, and improved relationships.

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What is A Conflict?

• A conflict is more than just a disagreement. A conflict comes with a threat, real or not.

• Conflicts become more serious when they are ignored.

• Perception colors our reactions and triggers emotions.

• Conflicts trigger our emotional hot buttons. • Conflict brings growth.

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How About Avoidance?

• You may think that avoidance is a great way to handle conflict.

• We would agree that it is one way to deal with difficult situations.

• It is not the best response in all situations, however, sometimes it is the right response.

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How About Avoidance?If avoidance was the case in all workplaces, what would happen with important safety policies? Drug enforcement policies? Sexual harassment policies?

If no one enforces these policies, despite how difficult it may be and despite how threatened you may feel when you stick your neck out to enforce them, things would not improve or be safe in the workplace. Someone has to enforce these policies

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How About Avoidance?

On the other hand, you may be in a situation where you feel threatened or somehow unsafe, or you decide that the relationship is not one that you want to foster, and then walk away. You can reschedule the conversation when everyone’s temper has been restored, or you can choose to get some help (i.e. through mediation, your manager, or an HR specialist) with the situation.

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Self-Assessment

This assessment will help you to determine your preferences for involvement in dealing with difficult people, and taking on those challenging conversations. Answer each questions with yes or no.

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Scoring

• 7-10: This course is perfect for you. Don’t let your attention wander!

• 4-6: You’re in the right place for help, and you’re going to learn some things.

• 1-3: You’re managing well and likely successful in dealing with difficult people.

• 0: You ought to be teaching this course! Hopefully you’ll find a few helpful gems to enrich your relationship building.

Self-Assessment: Add up the number of times you answered "yes."

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A Point to Ponder

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Somebody has to initiate the move to a more positive or constructive cycle. As the manager/supervisor, you will be the most likely choice in many situations. Remember, people you encounter may have a low self-image. This might mean they are uncomfortable with someone who they perceive as having more power. That can contribute to feelings of mistrust, or make people behave in what we perceive as a difficult manner. They may view decision-making as a personal threat, and prefer to be led rather than make a decision.

Review


1. Which of these skills will help you manage conflict?a. Problem solvingb. Communicationc. Empathyd. All of these

2. You are the person in the best position to change a negative cycle to a _________one.

3. What is important, is to learn how to manage disagreements so that they do not harm relationships. True False

Positive

Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Thomas Paine

To Talk or Not to Talk

In deciding whether you want to proceed with a difficult conversation, there are some things to consider. If this relationship is important to you, then it makes sense that the conversation takes place. But not every conversation is necessary. Is it worth tracking someone down and having a confrontation when they cut you off in traffic? The person who interrupts you in a meeting but has never done so before, and probably never would again? Manual Page 8

Determining Your Involvement

In order to decide whether you need to deal with a difficult person or not, ask yourself the following questions:

• Is this person important to me? • Is this relationship important to me?• Has this happened before? • Does this bother me or other people?• Can I invest my time?

If you answer “no” to any of the five questions, we recommend that you remove yourself from the situation.

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Reciprocal Relationships

• Interpersonal relationships have a reciprocal nature.

• If we continually try to engage people in negative ways, we can predict the results.

• Think of yourself in terms of some of your work relationships.

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Think of a Difficult Person

• How do they approach you?• How do you approach them?• What expectations do they have in interactions?• What could you do to improve that relationship?

• How do you think we can achieve better results or performance from our employees, clients or colleagues?

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A Point to Ponder

How do you think we can achieve better results or performance from our employees, clients or colleagues? • Expect more and you get more, especially if you are

clear about what your expectations are at the outset.

• Offer sincere praise and/or thanks for things that people do well.

• Be aware of and act on destructive cycles in your conversations with clients. Be accountable for making a break from that cycle.

Review


1. Be aware of and act on destructive cycles in your conversations with clients. Be ___________for making a break from that cycle.

2. I have to confront all the difficult people I work with.True False

3. If we continually try to engage people in negative ways, we can _______the results.

Accountable

Predict

Session Four: Preventing Problems

If you want to bring an end to long-standing conflict, you have to be prepared to

compromise.Aung San Suu Kyi

The Importance of Empathy

• We can do a lot to keep problems from happening in the first place, especially if we empathize.

• Avoid phrases like, “I agree” or, “Yes, that’s true.” • Don’t reinforce a concern. • Simply rephrase the key topic of the person’s statement.

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Key Phrases• "I hear…”• "I understand…"• "I think you're saying…"

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Rephrasing before answering gives you:• A chance to empathize with the concerns• An opportunity to show the person that you understand the concern

• A moment to think of an appropriate response

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Dangerous Misconceptions

• People always pay attention when you are speaking to them.

• When people say they are paying attention, they really are.

• When someone says "I know" s/he really does.• Saying something over and over will ensure that your listener understands.

• Saying something over and over, slowly or loudly, will be even more effective.

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Discussion

Brainstorm additional methods of preventing problems that you

have found successful.

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More Pointers for Discussion

Look at non-verbal communication.Refusing eye contact, red face, clenched hands, and arms crossed can all indicate negative feelings. Reading between the lines.This is more difficult. We have to listen to what the person isn’t saying as well as what they are saying. Do they sound angry, defensive, or put upon? Are they refusing to give an opinion or take action to correct things? Do you sense a reluctance to do something or confusion over what the person is to do?

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Probing Probing is a helpful form of open questioning that can lead you to a deeper level of understanding within your conversations. One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:

• “Can you describe that with more details for me?” • “Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?” • “What do you think we should do?” The difficulty here is that if you ask too many probing questions, the other person begins to feel like they are being interrogated. Be careful with what you ask and how you ask it.

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More Pointers for DiscussionAnother very effective way of probing is to simply pause. Stop talking. People often do not like silences and will invariably speak up to fill the silence. A third way is to ask a reflective question. For example, the person has just said, “What I really want is more variety in my work,” and you may respond by just reflecting back to them, “Variety?” The reflective question usually provides you with an expanded answer without you appearing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in conjunction with a pause. A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you are clear about what the individual has said is paraphrasing what has just been said, in your own words. Example: “So if I understand you correctly, you…”Manual Page 12


The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary question. Example: “You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleague’s cologne, you have talked with him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking me to intervene. Have I got it right?” All of these methods can help make the other person feel better understood and prevent conflict from occurring.

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Review


1. We can do a lot to keep problems from happening in the first place, especially if we __________.

2. People always pay attention when you are speaking to themTrue False

3. Probing is a form of: a. Open questioningb. Closed questioningc. Paraphrasingd. All of the above

Empathize

Session Five:Getting Focused

Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict

shows you the kind of people they are.

Stephen Moyer

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

• Despite our best efforts and our good use of management techniques, our attempts can seem to be for nothing.

• Behaviors we thought we had influenced positively (or corrected altogether) can regress.

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What’s Missing?

• If, as leaders, we are content to only deal with the surface issues, and we are afraid to dig and get at the deeper issues, we will not create a better workplace.

• We simply scrape the moss off of the surface, only to have it to grow back later.

• The ability to peel an infraction back to its core takes patience and precision.

• You must be able to state the problem in a single sentence.

You aren’t getting to the heart of the problem.

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The Three F’s

• Facts: Make a list• Frequency: When and how much• Frustrated Relationship:– I feel like I cannot trust you to get the work done. – I feel like I am constantly nagging you and I don’t like to do that.

– I feel like I can’t trust you to keep the commitments you make.

To get to the heart of the problem, evaluate the 3 F's:

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Review


1. The three F’s are: _________, __________, and _________________.

2. You must be able to state the problem in a single sentence.True False

Facts Frequency

Frustrated Relationship

Session Six:Managing Anger

I would prefer things to be peaceful and not have

conflict.Don Winslow

Coping Strategies

• Too many people are angry. • Workplace violence is an extreme example, but there are examples everywhere.

• Anger interferes with teamwork and productivity. • It also contributes to an environment that is negative, hostile, and frightening.

• Companies face legal pressures to prevent this type of environment.

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Coping Strategies• From employees’ points of view, anger takes the fun out of work.

• Because anger is a natural emotion, it would be unrealistic to ask people not to feel it.

• Instead, the goal is to help (and sometimes, require) that people deal with their anger appropriately.

• Problems don’t come from anger. Problems come from the negative ways people express anger.

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Coping Strategies

How can we manage our own anger?• Express feelings appropriately and skillfully• Release your physical tension• Analyze what’s going on• Address your fears• Put yourself in charge of you• Use your emotions effectively• Approach the situation logically

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Coping Strategies

Remember!• Don’t accuse others of making you angry• Don’t preach at others when you are angry• Don’t bring up past grievances when you are trying to fight fair

Dealing withOther People’s Anger

Dealing with Other People’s Anger • Use positive self talk.• Check your body language. • Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. • Share your own feelings and fears (carefully, of course). • Show that you are listening. • Make a conciliatory gesture. • Express your own needs/wants calmly and persistently.• Keep in mind that their self-esteem may be low.

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Guidelines for Assertive Anger

• Start positively • Be direct• Specify the degree of anger• Don’t accuse others of making you angry • Share your feelings of threat and fear• Acknowledge your responsibility• Avoid self-put downs or invitations to criticism or retaliatory anger

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Coping Strategies

Self-Protective Techniques to Block Criticism• The broken record• Fogging• Negative assertion

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Review


1. Too many people are angry.True False

2. Problems don’t come from ______. Problems come from the negative ways people express_______.

3. Using negative self talk is an effective way to deal with other people’s anger.

4. True False

Anger

Anger

Session Seven:Dealing with Problems

I don't know a single person in life that doesn't have

conflict.Joaquin Phoenix

Dealing with Problems

• Assess the situation• Meet the difficult behavior head-on• Stay calm and objective• Be up-front• Make it a two-way conversation• Put yourself in their place• Be flexible• Be tolerant

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Assess the Situation

Think before you act. Get all the facts and start with a plan, even if it is sketchy.

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Meet the DifficultBehavior Head-on.

Don’t bury your head in the sand. This has happened and you must deal with it.

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Stay Calm and Objective.

Getting emotional will only make matters worse and you may say things you’ll regret. Watch for words like but, never, always, and should. There is no point in waving a red flag in anyone’s face. Those kinds of words can inflame the situation rather than contribute to problem solving.

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Be Upfront with the Individual.

The longer you wait, the more difficult things become. Say what needs to be said.

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Make This a Two-way Conversation.

Make sure that the other individual gets a chance to have their say as well. Give them that chance earlier rather than later. Then you may have more facts. They may even say some of the things you wanted to say, but felt uncomfortable saying.

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Put Yourself in Their Place

You need to put yourself in their shoes to see how they are looking at the problem and to have any chance of understanding it, let alone resolving it.

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Be Flexible

This is a useful tool, so use it! Treat this as a learning experience and accept that this conflict may change the way you see or do things. That’s okay.

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Be Tolerant

What a dull world it would be if we were all the same! It may not be your way, but that doesn’t make it a wrong way.

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Causes of Difficult Behavior

• We can be very complicated as human beings! • Fear (of failure, humiliation, losing power, or rejection)

• Poor self-esteem• Drug or addiction issues• Illness (theirs or someone else’s)• Limited coping skills

What are Other Causes of Difficult Behavior?

Some things that drive one person crazy may not bother another person at all. From this, we may be able to draw another conclusion: that each of us is quite likely a difficult person for others at times.

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What are the Characteristics of Others That Make Them Difficult for us to Deal With?

They are negativeThey whineThey say hurtful things

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What Are The Weapons They Use Against Us?

Anger? Tears? Silence?

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The old 80/20 rule says that 80% of our problems will come from 20% of our employees or our clients. Would you

agree with this, disagree, or have something to share?

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Review


1. Getting emotional is an effective way of staying calm.True False

2. True or False: Being flexible can help you resolve a conflict.True False

Session Eight:The Three-Step Model

The more conflict and contrast you have with a character makes it more

interesting.Chris Hemsworth

Session Eight: The Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model

The Three-Step Model

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Getting the Hang of Things

• Look at your pre-assignment and consider your difficult person. How could you use this plan to resolve the situation?

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Review


1. What are the 3 steps in the model conflict resolution model?a. Facts, frequency, frustrated relationshipsb. Research, presentation, action plan c. Start positively, be direct, don’t accuse

Session Nine:Practice Makes Pretty

Good

I try to avoid conflict. I don't want people to be unhappy.

Viggo Mortensen

Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good

• Work with your pre-assignment.• Map out the circumstances using the three-step model.

• If you do not have an actual example, select someone that you don’t actually have to deal with, an example at home, or create something entirely fictional.

Planning

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Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good

• Role Play your plan and allow your classmates to give feedback to help you improve your skills

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Review


1. If it is to be, it’s up to…a. Both of usb. Mec. You

2. Anger and conflict interfere with teamwork and productivity.True False

Session Ten:Changing Yourself

I try to avoid conflict. I don't want people to be unhappy.

Viggo Mortensen

Negative vs. PositiveInteractions

• We know that we cannot change other people. • We do have control over our own thoughts.• We can change our reactions to other people to help improve relationships.

• We also have the ability to influence other people’s behavior by reinforcing the behaviors we want repeated, and ignoring the ones that we don’t want repeated.

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Negative Interaction

Negative Interaction• Manager: “Why can you never do the invoices the way I want them done?

• Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done.”

• Manager: “No, it’s because you don’t listen to me.”

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Positive Interaction

Positive Interaction• Manager: “Can you tell me why these invoices aren’t showing a due date on them?”

• Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done, and I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

• Manager: “I hadn’t realized I’d been sending you mixed messages. What are the contradictory instructions I’ve given you?”

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Changing Yourself

• You are the one in the best position to change a negative cycle to a positive one.

• You’ll find it easier task when you start with a plan.

• You can use the three-step process as a guide any time you have a tough meeting coming up with an employee or with a client.

• We’ve also got to be realistic!

Negative vs. Positive Interactions

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Changing Yourself

• When should you call for a time out?When you are getting emotional, when you have been asked a tough question for which you aren’t prepared, or when the other person is emotional or unprepared. • When should you walk away from a conversation?When someone is yelling out of control and seems to be “losing it.”• When should you decide “enough is enough” when you are considering employee performance?

When the behavior is affecting others in the organization.• Does this organization need a policy for dealing with those difficult people who heap verbal abuse on people, or do you have one already?

Many companies have policies for dealing with difficult people, but if yours does not, it may be time to suggest policies be adapted.• If you have one already, is it used properly?

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Dealing with Negative Feelings

• Put yourself in charge of you.• Monitor your self-talk.• Be in control.• Work on your sense of humor. • Have a support team.

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Review


1. Can you change other people?Yes NO

2. Can you change your reaction to them? Yes NO

Session Eleven: Why Don’t People Do What They Are

Supposed To?

Conflict happens. People aren't happy all of the time.

Sara Ramirez

Why Don’t People Do WhatThey Are Supposed To?

• They didn’t know why they should do it• They didn’t know when to begin and end it.• They didn’t know what they were supposed to do.• They didn’t know how to do it.• They thought they were doing it.• They thought your way wouldn’t work or that their way was best.• They thought something else was more important.• They aren’t rewarded for doing it, or they aren’t punished for not doing it.

• They are rewarded for not doing it, or they are punished for doing it.

• They didn’t think they could do it.Manual Page 34

Why Don’t People Do WhatThey Are Supposed To?

Are there other points that you would add to this list?Some of the culprits that contribute to these results include companies that do not do regular performance reviews, and those that do not have job descriptions or expectations clearly shared with staff.

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Remember that everyone is motivated, but that each of us are motivated by things

that have value to us personally. This means

some of the people your work with may be motivated by the same things that you are, but other people won’t

be. Manual Page 34

Review


1. Why might people not do what they are supposed to?a. They didn’t know what they were supposed to dob. They didn’t know how to do itc. They thought they were doing itd. Any of these reasons

2. Your success can depend on your ability to work with difficult people.True False

Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things

Get Ugly

Any kind of conflict draws me to a role.

Anne-Marie Duff

De-Stress

• Belly breathing• Visualize• Music• Acupressure • Massage• Laughter

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Coping When Things Get Messy

• Take a deep breath and relax.• Tell yourself that getting upset won’t help. • Remind yourself that just as long as you keep your cool, you’re in control.

• I’m not going to let him/her get to me.• I can’t change him/her with anger; I’ll just upset myself.• I can find a way to say what I want to without anger.• Stay calm – no sarcasm, no attacks, no judgments.• I can stay calm and relaxed.

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• No one is right, no one is wrong. We just have different needs.

• No matter what is said, I know I’m a good person.• I’ll stay rational; anger won’t solve anything.• Let them look all foolish and upset. I can stay cool and calm.• His/her opinion isn’t important. I won’t be pushed into losing my cool.

• Take a time-out. Cool off, then come back and deal with it.• Some situations don’t have good solutions. Looks like this is one of them. No use getting all bent out of shape about it.

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• It’s just a hassle. Nothing more, nothing less. I can cope with hassles.

• I’m getting better at this anger management stuff.• I got angry, but kept the lid on saying things I’d regret. That’s progress.

• If they want me to get angry, I’m going to disappoint them.

• I can’t expect people to act the way I want them to.

• I don’t have to take this so seriously.Manual Page 36

Personal Action Plan

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Review


1. Music has the power to…a. Soothe usb. Energize usc. Both of these thingsd. Neither of these things

2. Sometimes coping means walking away.True False

Thank you!

Documents

Conflict Resolution: Dealing With Difficult People