GildanMedia

CompanionPDF

LISTEN

by

DaleCarnegie&Associates

The“CanYouHearMeNow?”Quiz

Mostpeoplewouldsaythattheyprettygoodlisteners.Infact,in360-degreesurveys

ofmanagers(wherethemanagerisratedbyhisorherboss,peers,anddirect

reports),theretendstobeahugegapbetweenthemanager’sself-perceptionasa

goodlistenerandwhatotherpeoplehavetosay.1Inotherwords,youmayTHINK

you’reanexcellentlistener.Areyou?

YoumayTHINKyou’reanexcellentlistener.Areyou?

Totestyourlisteningskills,takethefollowingself-assessmentquiz.

Forthefollowingquestions,answeronthefollowingscale.Trytobeashonestwith

yourselfaspossible.

Notatall Rarely Sometimes Often Veryoften

1.WhenI’monthephonewithsomeone,it’sfinetorespondtoe-mailsand

textmessagesatthesametimeaslongasI’mlistening.

2.Whenlisteningtoanotherperson,Istarttogetupsetandreact

emotionally.

3.Ifeeluncomfortablewithsilenceduringconversations.

4.IfIhavearelevantstorytoshare,I’llinterrupttheotherpersoninorderto

tellitandthengetbacktolettingthemtalk.

1PatrickBarwiseandSeánMeehan,“SoYouThinkYou’reaGoodListener,”HarvardBusinessReview,April2008;https://hbr.org/2008/04/so-you-think-youre-a-good-listener;accessedAug.16,2016.

5.Peopleseemtogetupsetduringsomeconversationswithme,anditseems

tocomeoutofnowhere.

6.Tokeeptheconversationflowing,Iaskquestionsthatcanbeanswered

withasimple“yes”or“no”response.

7.Iplay“devil’sadvocate”tohelptheotherpersonseeadifferentsideof

whattheyaresaying.

8.Ifsomeonewantstotalkaboutsomethingoverandoveragain,I’lljusttell

themwhattheywanttoheartogetthemtostop.

9.AsIlisten,IamfiguringoutwhatIamgoingtosaybacktotheother

person.

10.I’muncomfortablewhenpeopletalktomeaboutsensitivesubjects.

11.IfanotherpersonhasadifferentviewonsomethingIfeelstronglyabout,

Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.

12.Idon’treallypaymuchattentiontothingsliketheenvironmentofthe

conversationorbodylanguage.Whatmattersiswhattheotherpersonisactually

saying.

13.Iftheotherpersonisstrugglingtosaysomething,I’llfillinwithmyown

suggestions.

14.IfI’minterruptedfromdoingsomethingwhensomeonewantstotalk,I

feelimpatientforthemtofinishsoIcangetbacktowhatIwasdoing.

Todetermineyourscore,giveyourselfthefollowingpointsforeachanswer:

Notatall=1point

Rarely=2points

Sometimes=3points

Often=4points

Veryoften=5points

ScoreInterpretation

14–29:GoldMedalist

You’vegotterrificlisteningskillsalready.You’vegottheabilitytomakepeoplefeel

heardandwanttotalktoyou.You’reemotionallypresentandgivepeopleyourfull

attention.Strivetocontinuetogrowandevolve.Keepreadingthisbooktolearn

howtobecomeanevenmoreeffectivelistener.

30–49:SilverMedalist

Peopleenjoytalkingtoyou,butsometimesifsubjectsgettooemotionalor

uncomfortable,youtendtochangethesubjectormakeajoke.Thetoolsandideasin

thisbookwillhelpyoucontinuetogrowandbecomeamoreeffectivelistener.

50–70:BronzeMedalist

Ifyouscoredinthiscategory,youmightthinkyou’reabetterlistenerthanothers

do.Youmightbegivingpeoplethefeelingthatyoudon’tcareaboutwhatthey’re

saying,oryoumighthavefrequentmisunderstandings.Nottoworry,though.The

thingsyou’lllearninthisbookcancertainlyhelpyoubecomeabetterlistener.

TheElementsofCommunication

ReceiverFactors

DecodingFactors

MESSAGE

EncodingFactors

SenderFactors

Listeningisjustthisprocessinreverse.Andthat’showthisbookisarranged.

SenderFactors

CommunicationStyle EnvironmentalLoad

EncodingFactors

SenderFiltersandFrames

THEMESSAGE

DifjicultMessages TheEnvironment

DecodingFactors

ReceiverFiltersandFrames

ReceiverFactors

TypesofListeners TypesofListening

The“Engagers”

Ifyouarean“Engager,”keepitup.Peopletrulyappreciatethisaboutyou.

Aswe’vementioned,noonecanbeanengagedlistenerallofthetime.Infact,

weallvaryfrombeingattentivetowhatisbeingsaid,beingselectiveinourfocus,

andbeingdistractedovertime.Here’savisualillustration.

MyListeningLog,

PartOne

Frames

Yourframeisyourbroadunderstandingofasituationortopic.

1.Onanotherpieceofpaperorajournal,answerthisquestion:“Whatare

someoftheframesIlearnedaboutthetopicoflistening?”Herearesomeexamples.

Childrenshouldbeseenandnotheard.

You’regiventwoearsandonemouthforareason.

Inourfamily,youhadtoshoutinordertobeheard.

Noonelistenstomeanyway,soImightaswellnottry.

Isaythestupidestthings.

2.Whatbiasesdoyourframesleadto?Doyou,ordoessomeoneyouknow,

haveanunconsciousframethatgetsinthewayofeffectivecommunication?Write

downthesebiasesinyourjournal.

3.Whatroledoyouthinkgender,education,religion,race,andsimilar

factorshaveinhowapersonlistens?

Filters

Afilterisaconsciouschoicetofocusmoreononethingthananother.

Whataresomefiltersyouusewhenlisteningtothefollowingpeople?In

otherwords,whatinformationdoyoufocusonthemostwhencommunicatingwith

theperson,andwhatdoyouleaveout?

1.Yourparents

2.Yoursignificantother

3.Yourchildren

4.Yourboss

5.Clientsorcustomers

6.Yourbestfriend

Nowshiftthefilteralittle.Whatissomethingunusualordifferentyoucould

listenforwhencommunicatingwiththosepeople?Example:lookingatyourparents

asahusbandandwifetoeachother.

1.Yourparents

2.Yoursignificantother

3.Yourchildren

4.Yourboss

5.Clientsorcustomers

6.Yourbestfriend

EmotionalControl

Inyourjournal,describeaninstancewhereyoucouldhavedoneabetterjob

controllingyouremotionsduringaconflict.

Thenapplythesixstepstoidentifywhatyoucouldhavedonedifferently.

1.Stepbackandfocusontheotherperson’semotions.

2.Looktofindthesourceoftheemotions.Isittheresultofdifferentframes

orfilters?

3.Talkaboutfeelingsopenly.

4.Expressfeelingsinanonconfrontationalway.

5.Validatetheotherperson’sfeelings.

6.Stepoutoftheroomifneedbe.

SevenTypesofListeners

Identifypeopleinyourlifewhorepresenttheseventypesoflisteners.

The“Preoccupieds”

The“Out-to-Lunchers”

The“Interrupters”

The“Whatevers”

The“Combatives”

The“Analysts”

The“Engagers”

Identifytimeswhenyouwereeachoftheseseventypes.

TwoTypesofDistractions

Describeatimewhenyouwerelisteningandyourmindwanderedoff.Wasita

sensorydistractionoranemotionaldistraction?Trytocomeupwithexamplesof

each.

FourTypesofListening

Foreachofthefourtypes,identifysomeoneinyourlifewhoengagesinthattypeof

listeningfrequently.

PretendingtoListen

ListeningtoPrepareYourResponse

ListeningtoLearn

ListeningforEmpathy

Nowforeachofthefourtypes,identifyaninstanceinwhichyouengagedinthat

typeoflistening.

Theartofconversationliesinlistening.

—MalcomForbes

Hereisagraphicillustrationofhowthesenderandreceiver’sfiltersand

framesneedtobealignedinorderforeffectivecommunicationtotakeplace.

EncodingFactors

Sender'sFramesandFilters

Receiver'sFramesandFilters

PowerDifferences

• Parent/Child• Boss/Subordinate• Authorityjigure/Follower

CulturalDifferences

• Race• Nationality• Languagebarriers

InterpersonalDifferences

• Gender• Age• Comnunicationstyle

MyListeningLog,PartTwo

SenderFrames

Onanotherpieceofpaperorinajournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.Describeanexperienceyouhadwheresomeonewascommunicatingto

youwithaframethatbiasedtheirview.Wereyouabletoseeitclearlyatthetime?

2.Whoinyourlifetendstocommunicateusingthesameframeasyoumost

often?Howareyourframessimilar?

3.Whomdoyouhavethemostdifficultycommunicatingwithinyourlife?

4.Describeaninstanceinwhichsomeonesaidsomethingthatmadeyou

angry.

5.Whatisthereasonyoubelievetheyactedthatway?

6.Nowchallengethatreason.Ifyousaid,“Becausehewasbeingselfish,”then

reverseit.“HewasNOTbeingselfish.”Writethereverseassumptiondown.

7.Askyourself,“Underwhatconditionscouldthereverseassumptionbe

true?”

EncodingtheMessage

Whenencodingamessage,thesenderdecideswhatinformationhe

orshewantstotransmit.

1.Youneedtoconveythefollowingmessagetocertainpeople:“Iammoving

toanotherstatenextmonth.”Howwouldyouencodethemessagedifferentlyfor

eachperson?

a.Yourparentsorextendedfamily

b.Yourboss

c.Yourbestfriend

d.Yourchildren

e.Facebookandothersocialmedia

2.Describeatimewhenthefollowingfactorsinfluencedhowsomeone

encodedamessagetoyou.

a.Powerdifferences

b.Culturaldifferences

c.Interpersonaldifferences

EnvironmentalFactorsinEncoding

Environmentalloadisatermthatreferstothestressloadapersonis

under.

1.Recallatimewhenyouwalkedintoaroomandcouldinstantlysensea

“vibe”ormoodintheroom.Whatwasgoingon?

2.Encodethefollowingmessagesbasedondifferentenvironmentalloads.

a.Tellsomeonetoturnleftonanemptystreet.

b.Tellsomeonetoturnleftinheavytrafficfromtherightlane.

c.Respondtosomeoneinterruptingwhatyou’redoingatwork,underadeadline.

d.Respondtosomeoneinterruptingwhatyou’redoingatworkat4:45onaFriday.

DecisionStyles

“Satisficing”meanstouseafewpiecesofinformationtocomeup

withadecisionthatis“goodenough.”

MaximizersarethepeoplewhoconsideraLOTofinformationbefore

makingadecision.

Onanotherpieceofpaperorajournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.WhomdoyouknowwhoisaSatisficer?

2.WhoisaMaximizer?

3.Whichareyou?

4.Giveanexampleofatimewhenyoudemonstratedeachtypeofinformation

use.

“Uni-focus”peoplearefocusedongeneratingonebestsolution.

“Multi-focus”peopletendtoseedifferentsolutionsoroptionsas

equallyappealing.

5.Doyoutendtobeauni-focuspersonoramulti-focusperson?

6.Describeatimewhenyouhadaconflictwithapersonwhohastheotherstyle

offocus.Wouldknowingthisinformationhavehelpeddeescalatetheconflict?

How?

FourStyles

Hierarchic:Peoplewhomakecarefulandslowdecisionsbasedonalotof

informationandanalysis.

Integrative:Peoplewhousealotofinformationandarehappytoconsideralotof

options.

Decisive:Peoplewhouseaminimumamountofinformationtoquicklycometoa

cleardecisionaboutacourseofaction.

Flexible:Peoplewhohaveveryfluidthinkingstyles,usingasmallamountof

informationinalotofdifferentways.

1.Describeatypicalcareerchoiceforeachofthefourstyles.(Sampleanswers

areatthebottomofthispage,althoughthesearen’ttheonlycorrectones.)2

Hierarchic

Integrative

Decisive

Flexible

RoleStyle:Behavingthewayyouthinkyoushouldbehaveinagiven

situation.

OperatingStyle:Yournaturaldecisionstyle

2.DescribewhetheryouwouldbeinRoleStyleorOperatingStyleinthe

followingsituations.

a.Aparent/teacherconference.

2a.accountant,engineer;b.writer,scientist;c.surgeon,fighterpilot;d.therapist,teacher

b.Watchingamovieonthecouchwithyourbestfriend.

c.Inacomputertrainingclassatwork.

d.Afterthecomputertrainingclass,athappyhourwithyourco-workers.

1a.accountant,engineer;b.writer,scientist;c.surgeon,fighterpilot;d.therapist,teacher

Interpersonalconflictresultsfromabreakdownincommunication

betweentwopeople.

Inthescenarioabove,AndyhastodeliversomenewstoElizabeth.Here’san

illustrationofthatcommunicationatitsbasics.

Andy"Ihavethekidsthisweekend."

Elizabeth

Andy'sFrame

Elizabeth'sFrame

Andy’sKids

TypicalConflictResolution OurConflictResolution

What’sYourConflictStyle?

Followingisaquestionnairethatwillhelpyoudiscoveryourownconflictstyle.

Whenansweringthequestions,rememberthatthereisnorightorbetteranswer.

Eachstyleisgoodinitsownway.

Scoreyouranswerbyratinghowmuchyouagreewiththestatement.

6=definitelytrue

5=true

4=tendstobetrue

3=tendstonotbetrue

2=nottrue

1=definitelynottrue

1.I’mfocusedongettingexcellentresults,butotherpeopletendtostandinmyway.

2.Iamalwayswillingtolistentoother’sopinions,andIalsowanttogivethemmine

You Problem ThemProblem

You

Them

3.Ioftenchangemygoalsinorderforotherpeopletogettheirs.

4.Ifpeopledon’trespectmyopinion,Ikeepittomyself.

5.Whensomeoneelsehasanideathattheythinkisgood,Itrytohelpthem.

6.Whenthere’saconflict,Iwon’tvaryfrommyprinciples,nomatterwhat.

7.Iamalwayswillingtoconsiderotherpeople’sopinions,butImakemyown

decisions.

8.Intimesofconflict,it’smoreimportantthatasolutionbereachedthanitistoget

myprioritiesmet.

9.Whenaconflictoccurs,Itendtobackoutofthesituationanddosomethingelse.

10.Idon’tlikecausingconflict,soIcooperatewithothersanddowhattheywant.

11.Whenpursuingmypriorities,IholdfirmtowhatIwant.

12.Duringaconflict,Iimmediatelyworktogeteveryone’sconcernsoutintheopen.

13.Duringaconflict,Itrytofindsomecompromise.

14.Differencesofopinionarenotalwaysworthworryingabout,soIusuallyavoid

them.

15.Iliketoaskothersfortheiropinionsandtrytofindwaystocooperate.

16.OnceIhavetakenaposition,Idon’tliketohaveotherstrytotalkmeoutofit.

17.Whenthereisaconflict,Iwanttoheareveryone’spointofview,andtoexpress

myown.

18.Whenpeoplehavedifferentviewpoints,Igenerallyproposeamiddleground.

19.Itendtoavoidpeoplewhoareveryopinionated.

20.Ithinkitismoreimportanttogetalongthantowinanargument.

21.AfterIhavemadeadecision,I’lldefenditpassionately.

22.Iamadecisiveperson,yetImakeapointoflisteningtootherstofindthebest

solutionpossible.

24.WhenIseeothersarguingaboutsomething,Ikeeptomyself,becauseitdoesn’t

doanygoodtoargue.

25.IfsomeonefeelsmorestronglyaboutsomethingthanIdo,I’lladjustmy

priorities.

HowtoFigureOutYourScore

Foreachofthefollowingcategories,writedownthenumberyouwroteforthe

question,andthenaddthemtogether.

Lion1: _____6: _____11: _____16: _____21: _____Total _____Ostrich4: _____9: _____14: _____19: _____24: _____Total _____Dog3: _____8: _____13: _____18: _____23: _____Total _____

Fish4: _____9: _____14: _____19: _____24:_____Total _____Chameleon5: _____10: _____15: _____20: _____25: _____Total _____

Whatdoesthismean?

Results

Mydominantstyleis____________________(YourHIGHESTscore)

andmybackupstyleis___________________________(Yoursecondhighestscore)

Inouropeningscenario,then,hereistheconflictstyleofthevariouspeople.

Mike:Lion

Tom:Ostrich

Karen:Dog

Lin:Fish

Bill:Chameleon

In1946,theoristFritzHeiderdevelopedsomethingcalledBalanceTheoryto

examinerelationshipsbetweenpeopleandthings.Itcanbebestvisualizedasa

triangle,withthepointslabeledP(person),O(other),andX(athirdelement).

Inourexample,youareP;SamisO,theotherperson;,andXistheother

element,Noah.Whenthestateisbalanced,allthreeelementshaveapositive

associationwitheachother.

P

O

BalanceTheory

X

You

Sam

BalancedState

Noah

+ +

+

Butwhenoneofthepositivesbecomesanegative(SamandNoahare

arguing,forexample),thesystembecomesimbalanced.

Myfriend’sfriendismyfriend. Myfriend’senemyismyenemy.

Myenemy’sfriendismyenemy. Myenemy’senemyismyfriend.

You

Sam

ImbalancedState

Noah

+ +

-+

Therearefoursetsofrelationshipsthatareusuallybalanced:

● P + O, P + X, O + X

● P – O, P – X, O + X

● P – O, P + X, O – X

● P+O, P – X, O – X

Therearealsofourtypicallyunbalancedrelationshipsthatarelikelytobeturned

intotheabovebalancedrelationships:

�P+O,P–X,O+X

�P+O,P+X,O–X

�P–O,P+X,O+X

�P–O,P–X,O–X

Examples

P

O

BalanceTheory

X

Balanced:P+O,P+X,O+X:YouagreewithSam.YouagreewithNoah.

SamagreeswithNoah.

Unbalanced:P+O,P+X,O–X:YouagreewithSam.YouagreewithNoah.

Samdoesn’tagreewithNoah.

Whenthesystemisunbalanced,somethingcalleddissonanceoccurs.

Dissonanceisthepsychologicaltensionthatoccurswheneverthereisanunbalance.

Ourmindswanttorestorebalance.Onewaytodothisisthroughunderstandingthe

conflictstyleoftheotherpeopleinthetriad.

MyListeningLog

PartThree

StagesofConflict

Conflictcomesfromthedifferentframeseachpersonhasaboutthemessage.

Let’sreviewthefivestagesofconflict:

1.Latentconflict:thepotentialforconflict

2.Perceivedconflict:thisisthecognitiveaspectwhereoneorbothparties

mayrecognizethatthereisaconflict

3.Feltconflict:thisisthe“feeling”aspectofconflict—partiesbegintofeel

upset.

4.Manifestconflict:thisisthebehavioralaspectofconflict.Hostility,

arguing,orphysicalaltercation.

5.Conflictaftermath:Theeffectsofconflict.

Inanotebookorajournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.Describearelationshipyouhavethatoftenhaslatentconflict.

2.Whenwasthelasttimeyoucognitivelyperceivedconflictdevelopingin

aconversation?Didtheotherpersonrecognizeittoo?

3.Howdoyoureactto“felt”conflict?Whatfeelingsdoyouhave?

4.Whatistheworstthingyoueverdidduringmanifestconflict?

5.Whatwastheaftermathofyouranswertoquestion4?

ThreePhasesofConflictResolution

Itmighthelpforyoutorole-playtheseexerciseswithanotherpersontogetthe

mostoutofthepractice.Justbesurenottochoosethepersonyouhadtheoriginal

conflictwith,asitmightstartthefightalloveragain.Choosesomeonewithwhom

youhavealow-conflictrelationship.

PhaseOne:Exploretheotherperson’sviewpoint.

PhaseTwo:Explainyourviewpoint.

PhaseThree:Createresolutions.

PhaseOne:ExploretheOtherPerson’sViewpoint

1.Establishthatyourimmediategoalismutualunderstanding,notproblem-

solving.

2.Elicittheotherperson’sthoughts,feelings,anddesiresaboutthesubjectat

hand.

3.Askfortheotherperson’shelpinunderstandinghimorher.Trynotto

defendordisagree.

4.Repeattheotherperson’spositioninyourownwordstoshowyou

understand.

5.Asktheotherpersontocorrectyourunderstandingandkeeprestatinghis

orherposition.

6.Referbacktoyourpositiononlytokeepthingsgoing.

7.Repeatsteps1through6untiltheotherpersonunreservedlyagreesthat

youunderstandhisorherposition.

Inyournotebookorjournal,describeascenariowhereyouengagedin

conflictwithsomeoneelse,andapplythesevenstepsinPhaseOne.Inotherwords,

writeoutspecificallywhatyoucouldhaveaskedthemtofindoutwhattheir

viewpointwas.Forexample,“Youfeelthatafteryou’vehadalongweekatwork,you

wanttorelaxatthepubforabitbeforecominghome.Isthatcorrect?”Becarefulto

leaveanytoneornegativeemotionoutofyourquestioning.

PhaseTwo:ExplainYourViewpoint

1. Askforafairhearinginreturn.

2. Beginwithanexplanationofhowtheotherperson’sthoughtsand

feelingsaffectyou.Avoidblamingandself-defenseasmuchaspossible.

3. Carefullyexplainyourthoughts,desires,andfeelingsasyourtruth,not

thetruth.

4. Askforrestatementsofyourposition—andcorrectionsofanyfactual

inaccuracies—asnecessary.

5. Reviewyourrespectivepositions.

Next,inyournotebookorjournal,writeouthowyouwouldexplainyour

positioninthescenarioyoudescribedinPhaseOne.Besuretouselanguagethat

reflectsthattheframeisyours,andrefrainfromdefendingyourpositionasthe

truth.Forexample,“Forme,afterI’vehadalongweekatwork,theonepersonI

wanttospendtimewithisyou.It’sanicewaytokickofftheweekend.Canyousee

myposition?”

PhaseThree:CreateResolutions

1.Affirmyourmutualunderstandingandconfirmthatyouarebothreadyto

consideroptionsforresolution.

2.Brainstormmultipleoptions.

3.Ifamutuallyagreeablesolutionisnotyetobvious,tryoneormoreofthe

followingoptions:

•Taketimeouttoreconsider,consult,exchangeproposals,andreconvene.

•Agreetoneutralarbitration,mediation,orcounseling.

•Compromisebetweenalternatesolutions.

•“Taketurns”betweenalternatesolutions.

•Yield(fornow)onceyourpositionisthoroughlyandrespectfully

considered.

•Assertyourpositionalpowerafterthoroughlyandrespectfullyconsidering

theirposition.

•Agreetodisagreeandstillrespecteachother;then,ifyoucan,goyour

separatewaysontheparticularissue.

Inyournotebookorjournal,brainstormseveralalternativesolutionstothe

scenarioyou’vebeenusinginthissection.Ifyou’rerole-playingwithanother

person,seewhatinnovativeideastheycomeupwith.

ConflictStyles

TheLion.Thisstyleiscompetitive.Theyvalue“winningthepoint”morethanthe

relationship.Theyseeconflictasacompetition.“Iknowthey’llcomearoundonce

theyseemypoint.”It’san“Iwin/youlose”position.

TheOstrich.Thisstyleavoidsconflictatallcosts.Tothem,havingconflictISthe

problem,andit’snotworththetroubletoargue,becauseitwon’taffecttheoutcome

anyway.“I’dratherjustforgetit.”Thisisa“Ilose/youlose”position.

TheDog.Thisstylevaluestherelationshipaboveallelseandwillaccommodateto

theotherperson’sdesiresforthesakeofmaintainingtherelationship.It’stheexact

oppositeoftheLion.“Fine,we’lljustdoityourway.”It’san“Ilose/youwin”

approach.

TheFish.Likeaschooloffish,thisstylefocusesoncollaborationandworking

together.Theywanttoexplorethedifferentoptionsinordertocomeupwithone

whereeveryonebenefits.It’san“Iwin/youwin”approach.

TheChameleon.Thisisthepersonwhoadoptstheotherstylesmomentarily,in

ordertocommunicatewithsomeonewithanotherstyle.

Inyournotebookorjournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.WhomdoyouknowthathasaLionstyleofconflict?

2.WhomdoyouknowthathasanOstrichstyleofconflict?

3.WhomdoyouknowthathasaDogstyleofconflict?

4.WhomdoyouknowthathasaFishstyleofconflict?

5.Giveanexampleofatimewhenyou,orsomeoneelse,adoptedthe

Chameleonstyle.

6.Whatisyourprimarystyle?

7.Whatisyourbackupstyle?

POXBalanceTheory

Therearefoursetsofrelationshipsthatareusuallybalanced:

• P + O, P + X, O + X

• P – O, P – X, O + X

• P – O, P + X, O – X

• P + O, P – X, O – X

Therearealsofourtypicallyunbalancedrelationshipsthatarelikelytobeturned

intotheabovebalancedrelationships:

�P+O,P–X,O+X

�P+O,P+X,O–X

�P–O,P+X,O+X

�P–O,P–X,O–X

You’rewatchingatelevisioncommercialwhenanactorcomesonandoffers

atestimonialforapolitician.Inyournotebookorjournal,writeoutthePOXformula

foreachofthefollowingsituations.YouareP.TheactorisO.ThepoliticianisX.

1.Youlikeboththeactorandthepolitician.

2.Youdon’tliketheactor,butyoudolikethepolitician.

3.Youdon’tlikeeithertheactororthepolitician.

4.Youliketheactor,butnotthepolitician.

Howwouldyoutendtoreactundereachofthosecircumstances?

Peaceisnottheabsenceofconflictbutthepresenceofcreativealternativesforrespondingtoconflict—

alternativestopassiveoraggressiveresponses,alternativestoviolence.

—DorothyThompson

TheQuestionStaircaseiscomprisedofthreedifferenttypesofquestions.

Hereisanillustration.

ElementaryQuestions

ElaborativeQuestions

EvaluativeQuestions

QuestionsandAnswers

Nowit’stimetopracticewhatwe’velearned.Usingthefollowingguide,determine

whatkindofquestionsfollow.Theanswersareatthebottomofthepage.3

Elementary

Evaluative

Elaborative

Factual

Causative

Values-Based

a.“Whattimeisthemeeting?”

b.“Howdidyougetaflattire?”

c.“Doyouprefertheblueorthered?”

d.“Whydidyoubecomeavegetarian?”

e.What’stheprocessfororderingreplacementparts?”

f.Whichcargaveyouasmootherride?”

Thishasbeenaninformation-packedchapter,andforgoodreason.The

questionsweaskcomefromdeterminetheframebywhichweseetheworld.In

ordertoeffectivelylisten,andgetinsideanotherperson’sframe,we’vegottobe

abletoaskmeaningfulandappropriatequestions.

Inthenextchapter,we’llgetintoanequallyinformativesubject:listening

throughbodylanguage.

Askingquestionsiswhatbrainswereborntodo,atleastwhenwewereyoungchildren.Foryoungchildren,quiteliterally,seekingexplanationsisasdeeplyrootedadriveasseekingfoodorwater.

—AlisonGopnik

3a.Factual.b.Causative.c.Evaluative.d.Values-Based.e.Elementary.f.Elaborative.

11.ListeningintheNewMillennium

Socialmediaisjustaplatform.Twitterisaverysimpleandimmediatebroadcastplatform.Facebookisaverypersonal,whenitcomestofriendsandwhenitcomestofanpages,alittlebitlessbut

stillsomewhatpersonalwaytocommunicate.—MarkCuban

MyListeningLog

HeyRob.So,IwantedtoletyouknowthatChrisandIhavestarteddating,andit’sgettingprettyserious.

YoumeanChris,mycollegeroommate?TheoneIintroducedyoutoonNewYear’s,whenyouweremyGIRLFRIEND?

Yeah,thatChris.But,listen,youbrokeupwithme,soIdidn’tthinkyou’dcareifheandIstartedseeingeachother.Wedidn’tintendtogetserious.Itwasjusthangingoutatfirst.

Rachel,doyourememberWHYIbrokeupwithyou?Icaughtyoutextingmybrother!

Thatwasdifferent,andyouknowit.

Well,congratulations.I’mhappyforyouboth.Ihopeitworksoutforyou.

ThanksRob!Iknewyou’dunderstand.J

PartFour

TheListeningStaircase

ElementaryQuestionsdeterminebasicinformation.ElaborativeQuestionselaborateonthebasicinformationwe’vealreadyobtained.EvaluativeQuestionsallowtheotherpersontosharetheirthoughtsandopinions.

Inyournotebookorjournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.GivearecentexampleofanElementaryQuestionyouasked.

2.GivearecentexampleofanElaborativeQuestionyouasked.

3.GivearecentexampleofanEvaluativeQuestionyouasked.

CommunicationShutdowns

Describeatimewhenyoushutdowncommunicationbyusingoneofthe

communicationshutdowns.

Thendescribeatimewhenthathappenedtoyou.

TheInnerview

AnInnerviewisaseriesofquestionsdesignedtoallowalistenerto

askeffectivequestions.

ChooseapersontopracticeconductinganInnerviewwith.Writedownyour

experiencesandreflectionsinyournotebookorjournal.

CulturalDifferencesinBodyLanguage

Gooutintopublicandbecomeanobserverofculturalandotherdifferencesinbody

language.Inyournotebookorjournal,describeyourobservationsofthefollowing

categoriesofpeople.

Ethnic/racialnorms(e.g.,AsiansandAustralians).

Genderdifferences(menandwomen,aswellastranssexualsorgender-

neutralindividuals).

Corporateculture(e.g.,WholeFoodsversusSafeway).

Politicalgroups(e.g.,DemocratsandRepublicans).

Geography(e.g.,EastCoastversusWestCoast).

Income(e.g.,millionairesandblue-collarworkers)

Religiousgroups(e.g.,MuslimsandevangelicalChristians).

TheSOFTENMethodofNonverbalListening

S=Smile

O=Openposture

F=Forwardlean

T=Touch

E=Eyecontact

N=Nod

Practicethistechniqueatworkandinyourpersonallife:chooseoneperson

ineachsituationthatyou’vehadchallengeswith,andthennoteyourobservations

inyournotebookorjournal.

WrittenCommunication

Inyournotebookorjournal,answerthefollowingquestions.

1.Describeatimewhenyouhadanargumentoveratextmessageore-mail.

2.Isthereawaythatyoucouldhavereframedtheintentoftheotherperson?

(Lookuptheconversation,ifpossible.)

3.Couldyouhaveusedemojis,abbreviations,orsoftenerstodefusethe

situation?

CanYouHearMeNOW?

Todiscoverhowmuchyou’velearnedinthisbook,retestyourlisteningskillsby

retakingthefollowingself-assessmentquiz.

Forthefollowingquestions,answeronthefollowingscale.Trytobeas

honestwithyourselfaspossible.

Notatall Rarely Sometimes Often Veryoften

1.WhenI’monthephonewithsomeone,it’sfinetorespondtoe-mailsandtext

messagesatthesametimeaslongasI’mlistening.

2.Whenlisteningtoanotherperson,Istarttogetupsetandreactemotionally.

3.Ifeeluncomfortablewithsilenceduringconversations.

4.IfIhavearelevantstorytoshare,I’llinterrupttheotherpersontotellitandthen

getbacktolettingthemtalk.

5.Peopleseemtogetupsetduringsomeconversationswithme,anditseemsto

comeoutofnowhere.

6.Tokeeptheconversationflowing,Iaskquestionsthatcanbeansweredwitha

simple“yes”or“no”response.

7.Iplay“devil’sadvocate”tohelptheotherpersonseeadifferentsideofwhatthey

aresaying.

8.Ifsomeonewantstotalkaboutsomethingoverandoveragain,I’lljusttellthem

whattheywanttoheartogetthemtostop.

9.AsIlisten,IamfiguringoutwhatIamgoingtosaybacktotheotherperson.

10.I’muncomfortablewhenpeopletalktomeaboutsensitivesubjects.

11.IfanotherpersonhasadifferentviewonsomethingIfeelstronglyabout,Idon’t

wanttotalkaboutit.

12.Idon’treallypaymuchattentiontothingsliketheenvironmentorbody

language.Whatmattersiswhattheotherpersonisactuallysaying.

13.Iftheotherpersonisstrugglingtosaysomething,I’llfillinwithmyown

suggestions.

14.IfI’minterruptedfromdoingsomethingwhensomeonewantstotalk,Ifeel

impatientforthemtofinishsoIcangetbacktowhatIwasdoing.

Todetermineyourscore,giveyourselfthefollowingpointsforeachanswer:

Notatall=1point

Rarely=2points

Sometimes=3points

Often=4points

Veryoften=5points

ScoreInterpretation

14–29: GoldMedalist

You’vegotterrificlisteningskillsalready.You’vegottheabilitytomakepeoplefeel

heardandwanttotalktoyou.You’reemotionallypresentandgivepeopleyourfull

attention.Strivetocontinuetogrowandevolve.

30–49: SilverMedalist

Peopleenjoytalkingtoyou.Sometimesifsubjectsgettooemotionalor

uncomfortable,youtendtochangethesubjectormakeajoke.

50–70: BronzeMedalist

Ifyouscoredinthiscategory,youmightthinkyou’reabetterlistenerthanothers

do.Youmightbegivingpeoplethefeelingthatyoudon’tcareaboutwhatthey’re

saying,oryoumighthavefrequentmisunderstandings.

Intuition:

TheArtofListeningtoYourself

ItisalwayswithexcitementthatIwakeupinthemorningwonderingwhatmyintuitionwilltossuptome,likegiftsfromthe

sea.Iworkwithitandrelyonit.It’smypartner.—JonasSalk

OnSeptember11,2001,GreerEpsteindidsomethingsherarelydid:shetooka

cigarettebreakat8:40a.m.AnexecutivedirectoratMorganStanley,withanoffice

onthesixty-seventhflooroftheSouthToweroftheWorldTradeCenterinNew

York,sherarelyhadthetimeforasmokingbreakbeforelunch.

Butonthisfatefulday,acolleaguecalledandwantedtotalkaboutan

upcomingworkmeetingandasked,“Howaboutgettingacigarette?”Greerlooked

outherwindowandsawabeautifulmorning—perhapstheclearestdayshehad

everseenfromheroffice.Shethought,“Whynot?”

Whileridingdowntheelevator,shefeltajolt,butdismisseditbecausethe

elevatorsalwaystendedtoactup.Whensheandthecolleaguesteppedoutsidethe

building,theysawdozensofpeoplestandingandlookingtowardtheskyatagaping

holeintheNorthTower.

Stillnotfullyawareofwhathadhappened,shewondered,“Howarethey

evergoingtofixthat?”Itwasatthatmomentthataplaneflewdirectlyintoher

officeintheSouthTower.

Thatsimplethought“Whynot?”savedGreerEpstein’slife.

Almosteveryonehasexperiencedintuitionatonepointoranother.You’re

thinkingofsomeone,andtheycall.Youhavetheurgetotakeadifferentrouteto

work,onlytofindouttherewasanaccidentonyournormalpath.Youmeet

someoneandinstantlygetagutfeelingthattheyaren’ttobetrusted.Thesegut

feelingswegetareaformofknowingthatisn’tbasedonaconsciousassessment,

butinsteadarisesseeminglyoutoftheblue.

NavalKnowing

Alotoffolksconsiderintuitiontobesomethingweirdor“woowoo.”Buttheidea

thatweallhaveasixthsenseisgainingacceptanceinthemostunlikelyofplaces—

includingtheU.S.Navy.

TheNavyhasstartedaprogramtoinvestigatehowmembersofthemilitary

canbetrainedtoimprovetheirsixthsense,orintuitiveability,duringcombatand

othermissions.4

TheprogramdevelopedbecausesomanyofthetroopsinIraqand

Afghanistanwerecomingbackreportingthattheyhadexperiencedanunexplained

feelingofdangerrightbeforeanenemyattack.

InanarticleinTheNewYorkTimes,theOfficeofNavalResearchwasquoted

assaying,“Researchinhumanpatternrecognitionanddecision-makingsuggestthat

thereisa‘sixthsense’throughwhichhumanscandetectandactonuniquepatterns

withoutconsciouslyandintentionallyanalyzingthem....

“Evidenceisaccumulatingthatthiscapability,knownasintuitionorintuitive

decisionmaking,enablestherapiddetectionofpatternsinambiguous,uncertain

andtimerestrictedinformationcontexts.”

Intuitionistheproductofunconsciousinformationprocessing

JohnKounios,aprofessorofpsychologyatDrexelUniversity,isquotedas

sayingthatwhenanideaappearsasan“aha”momentorasaproductofthatsixth

sense,“peopleoftenthinkthatthisisapsychicphenomenonbecausetheydon’t

knowwheretheideacamefrom.Butit’stheproductofunconsciousinformation

processing.”

4ChanningJoseph,“U.S.NavyProgramtoStudyHowTroopsUseIntuition”;TheNewYorkTimes,March27,2012;http://atwar.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/27/navy-program-to-study-how-troops-use-intuition/?_r=0;accessedAug.15,2016.

IntuitionDefined

Whatexactlyisintuition,then?Hereareafewselectdefinitionsfromtheacademic

literature.5

Jung:Thepsychologicalfunctionthattransmitsperceptionsinan

unconsciousway.

ShirleyandLangan-Fox:Afeelingofknowingwithcertitudeonthebasisof

inadequateinformationandwithoutconsciousawarenessofrational

thinking.

BurkeandMiller:Acognitiveconclusionbasedonadecisionmaker’s

previousexperiencesandemotionalinputs.

Lieberman:Thesubjectiveexperienceofamostlynonconsciousprocess—

fast,alogical,andinaccessibletoconsciousness—that,dependingonexposuretothe

domainorproblemspace,iscapableofaccuratelyextractingprobabilistic

contingencies.

Whiletherearedozens,ifnothundreds,ofdefinitionsofintuition,thevast

majorityofthemmentionafewdefiningcharacteristics.

Onecharacteristicofintuitionisthatitisnonconscious—itoccursoutsideof

consciousthought.It’snotsomuchthatyou“think”something,youjust“sense”or

“know”it.

Asecondcharacteristicisthatintuitioninvolvesaprocessinwhich

environmentalstimuliarematchedwithsomedeeplyheld(nonconscious)category,

5ErikDane and Michael G. Pratt, ”Exploring Intuition and Its Role in Managerial Decision Making.” Academy of Management Review 32:1 (2007): 33–54.

pattern,orfeature.Thissoundsveryreminiscentoftheframesandfilterswehave

beenmentioningthroughoutthisbook.

Athirdcharacteristicoftheintuitionprocessisitsspeed.It’sthis

characteristicthatdifferentiatesintuitionfromotherwaysofknowing.

WhatIntuitionIsNOT

Therearemanytermsthatarealmostsynonymouswithintuition,butaren’tthe

same.Ifweconsiderthatintuitionisnonconscious,thenit’snotthesamethingas

insight.Aninsightisunderstandingthatwegainthroughdeliberateandanalytical

thinkingthatwethensetasideto“incubate.”Anexampleofthisisanentrepreneur

whowantstostartabusiness,sosheexploresdifferentbusinessopportunitiesand

thenlatergetsaflashofinsightthatleadshertoachoice.

Similarly,intuitionisnotthesamethingasinstinct.Instinctisahard-wired

mechanisminthebrainthatcausesourbodiesandmindstorespondautomatically

toastimulus.Anexampleisfeelingfearwhenlookingoveraledgeoracliff.One

doesn’tneedtohavefallenoffaledgetohaveaninstinctiveknowingtostayaway

fromit.

ThePowerofIntuition

Ifintuitionisamatterofunconsciouslyprocessinginformationfromthe

environmentaroundus,thenhowcanweharnessitspower?Whatcanlearningto

listentoyourintuitiondoforyou?

Imaginebeingabletogeta“feel”forwhensomeoneislyingtoyou.Whatif

youcouldbetterknowwhentotrustsomeoneornot?Howaboutbeingabletotrust

yourchoicesanddecisions,eveninthefaceofrationalopposition?Learningto

listentoyourintuitioncandojustthat.

Intuitioncomesfromtheabilitytoseemicroexpressionsinpeople’sfacesandbodies,orslightthingsintheenvironmentthatseem

different.Stayintouchwiththeworld,andyoustarttoseepatterns.Thesesensitivitiescomemorenaturallytosome;somearejustmore

sensitive.

WhatBlocksIntuition?

Evenpeoplewithnaturalabilitiescanfindthemselvesunabletoaccesstheir

intuition.Onethingthatcontributestothisisbeingoverlybusy.Ifwearerushing

fromonethingtothenext,constantlycheckingourphonesandoursocialmedia,

textingwhilewalkinganddriving,wecanmissthosesubtlecluesthatleadto

intuition.

Sometimes,too,wedon’tWANTtolisten.Wemeetsomeonewhoischarming

andattractive,andthereisthissmallvoicethatsayssomethingisn’tright.Butthey

arejustSOattractive,andwechoosetoignorethefeeling.Thenwhenourhearts

havebeenbroken,welookbackandsay,“Ireallydidknowitallalong.”It’sthejob

youshouldn’thavetaken,thefriendyoushouldn’thavelentmoneyto,thedecision

youletsomeonetalkyouinto.

Anotherbigblocktointuitionisnegativeemotion.Whenweareexperiencing

strongemotions,ourbrainsturnonthesympatheticnervoussystem,whichisaway

ofminimizingthenumberofthingswecanfocusonduringacrisis.Ifyou’rebeing

chaseddownthestreetbyabadguy,you’renotlikelytonoticethesmellofgarlic

breademanatingfromyourfavoriteItalianrestaurant.Sowhenweareangry,

depressed,orinabadmood,ourintuitioncanescapeus.

Infact,a2013studypublishedinthejournalPsychologicalScienceshowed

thatbeinginapositivemoodboostedtheabilitytomakeintuitivejudgmentsina

wordgame.6

6AnnetteBolte,ThomasGoschke,andJuliusKuhl,“EmotionandIntuition

That’snottosaythatintuitivepeoplenevergetupset—butyourintuition

willfarebetterifyou’reabletomindfullyacceptandletgoofnegativeemotionsfor

themostpart,ratherthansuppressingordwellingonthem.

EightWaystoDevelopYourIntuition

Whataresomewaysinwhichyoucanlearntodevelopandtrustyourintuition?

Hereareeightways.

1.Meditate.Manypeoplethinkthatmeditationissittingcross-leggedona

pillow,chanting.Whilethatiswhathappensinsomeformsofmeditation,other

formsaremorelikequietreflection.It’saboutbeingstillandallowingthethoughts

youhavetofloatbylikecloudsinthesky.Messagesfromyourintuitiontendtobe

quiet,sospendingtimeinsilencewillhelpyouhearandinterpretthesemessages.

2.Useyoursenses.Sinceintuitioncomesfromsubtlecluesinthe

environment,onewaytodevelopthesixthsenseistodeveloptheotherfive.What

doyouhear?Howdoessomethingtaste?Lookverycloselyatthings.Smellthem.

Touchthings.Becomeanobserveroflife.

3.Payattentiontoyourdreams.Whenthecognitivemindisbusy,itcan

overridethequietvoiceofintuition.Butwhenyou’resleeping,yourcognitivemind

restsandyournonconsciousmindcansendyousymbolsandmessages.

4.Getcreative.Engagingincreativeactivities,suchasdrawing,scrapbooking,

orfree-flowjournaling,quietsthecognitivemindandallowsyourintuitiontospeak

up.

5.Takeashower.Haveyoueverheardsomeonesay,“Igetmybestideasin

theshower?”There’ssomethingaboutthefeelingofwarmrunningwaterandthe

repetitivemotionofbathingthatquietstheconsciousmindandallowscreativityto

flow.Ifyou’retryingtoaccessyourintuition,takeashowerordothedishes.

EffectsofPositiveandNegativeMoodonImplicitJudgmentsofSemanticCoherence,”PsychologicalScience14:5(Sept.2003),416–421;http://pss.sagepub.com/content/14/5/416.short;accessedAug.15,2016.

6.Observepeople.Seewhatkindofinformationyoucangleanfromobserving

peoplebeforeyoutalktothemorlearnanythingaboutthemfromotherpeople.The

moreyoupayattention,themoreyou’llrealizeyoualreadyknowthingsyou

couldn’tpossiblyknowwiththecognitivemind.

7.Alignwithyourvalues.Yourmindmaysteeryouawayfromyourintegrity,

butyourintuitionneverwill.Ifsomething“feels”wrong,itprobablyis.

8.Practicethelisteningtechniquesinthisbook.Justasyoucanusetheideas

andtechniquesinthisbooktobecomeabetterlistenertoothers,youcanusethem

tolearntolistentoyourintuition.Asanoldjokesays,“ItalktomyselfbecauseI’m

theonlyonewhoalwaysthinksI’mright!”

Ibelieveinintuitionsandinspirations...IsometimesFEELthatIamright.IdonotKNOWthatIam.

―AlbertEinstein

FourteenDaystoBetterListening OK,soyou’vereadthebookandlookedorworkedthroughtheexercises.Nowit’s

timetoputthepedaltothemetalandreallystarttoapplywhatyou’velearned.It’s

notaboutbecomingtheperfectlistenerovernight.Researchshowsthatpeoplewho

makesmallchangesarefarmorelikelytokeepthosechangesthanthosewhotryto

overhaultheirlives.Thischapterwillgiveyouasolidplanwithpracticalthingsyou

canstartdoingtodaytobecomeabetterlistenerinfourteendays.Sometimeswhen

youmakealotoftinychanges,youlookaroundandfindthattheyaddedupto

significantimprovement!

Ofcourseyourworklifeandyourhomelifearenotmutuallyexclusive.They

spilloverontoeachother.Sowhenyoubecomeabetterlisteneratwork,you

naturallybecomeabetterlistenerathome.

We’restartingwithyourworkplacefirst,becausethatisusuallyless

emotionallychargedthanyourhomelife.You’llhaveaweektopracticeyour

listeningskillsbeforemovingontothehomearena.

Let’sgetstarted!

WeekOne:BetterListeningatWork:Bosses,Peers,Subordinates,andOthers

Day1:TheDetective

Todayyouaregoingtobecomeanundercoverdetectiveatwork—observingother

people.Knowingwhatyouknownowafterreadingthisbook,whoaretheeffective

listenersinyourworkplace?Writetheirnamesinthefollowingspace,alongwithan

exampleofthemengagingineffectivelistening.Tryandcomeupwithfive.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Nowwritedownthenamesofthoseyouobservewhoarenotengagingineffective

listening.Whataretheydoingthatyounowknowisasignofpoorlistening?Again,

trytocomeupwithfive.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Whichofthebehaviors,bothpositiveandnegative,doyouwanttoworkon?In

otherwords,whicheffectivelisteningbehaviorsdoyouwanttoincrease,andwhich

doyouwanttodecreaseoreliminate?

Day2:FramesandFiltersatWork

Asyougothroughyourday,reflectonhowyourframesandfiltersaffectyour

listening.

YourBoss

Describeaninteractionwithyourbossthathappenedtoday.Youmostlikely

heardhimorherthroughthe“boss/employee”filter.Inotherwords,what

informationdidyoufocusonthemostwhencommunicatingwiththisperson,and

whatdoyouleaveout?Describewhatyouheardbasedonyourfilter.

Nowshifttheframealittlebit.Thinkofyourbossasanemployee,forexample.Now

howdoyouhearwhatheorshesaid?Doestheframeshiftaffectyourperceptionof

theinteraction?Writeyourobservationshere:

Day3:UnconsciousBiases

YourCo-Workers

Asmentionedinthebook,unconsciousbiasestendtoinfluencecommunication.See

ifyoucanobserveaninteractionwithaco-workerwhereoneofyouwassomehow

biased.Thisisnotnecessarilyaracialbias—butisonewheretheperson’sviewof

thingsinfluenceshowtheyhearmessages.Forexample,SallyhearsthatMarkgot

approvedforovertime.Shebelievesthathealwaysgetsapprovedforovertime

becausehedoesn’tworkhardenoughduringtheday.Writedownanyunconscious

biasesyouseetoday:

Howmightthemessageshavebeenreceivedwithadifferentframe?

Day4:EmotionalControl

Subordinates

Ifyoudon’thaveanyonethatreportstoyou,youcanstilldothisexerciseby

practicingthisonothersatwork.

Ifyoudohavesubordinates,thenexttimeyouhavetohaveadifficult

conversation,practicetheSixStepsofEmotionalControl.

1.Stepbackandfocusontheotherperson’semotions.

2.Thenlooktofindthesourceoftheemotions.Doesitcomefromdifferent

framesorfilters?

3.Talkaboutfeelingsopenly.

4.Expressfeelingsinanonconfrontationalway.

5.Validatetheotherperson’sfeelings.

6.Stepoutoftheroomifneedbe.

Describetheexperience.

Day5:SevenTypesofListenersatWork

Foreachofthefollowingseventypesoflisteners,identifysomeoneatworkwhohas

thatpredominantstyle.

The“Preoccupieds”

The“Out-to-Lunchers”

The“Interrupters”

The“Whatevers”

The“Combatives”

The“Analysts”

The“Engagers”

Now,foreachpersononthelist,howwillyoulistentothemmoreeffectively?

Day6:DecisionStyles

Identifypeopleatworkwhoseprimarydecisionstylesarethefollowing:

Hierarchic.Peoplewhomakecarefulandslowdecisionsbasedonalotof

informationandanalysis.

Integrative.Peoplewhousealotofinformationandarehappytoconsideralotof

options.

Decisive.Peoplewhouseaminimumamountofinformationtoquicklycometo

cleardecisionsaboutacourseofaction.

Flexible.Peoplewhohaveveryfluidthinkingstyles,usingasmallamountof

informationinalotofdifferentways.

Day7:ConflictintheWorkplace

Thenexttimeyouexperienceconflictatwork,practiceusingthethreephasesof

conflictresolution.Writedownyourexperiencesineachphase.

Whomwastheconflictwith?

Whatwasitabout?

PhaseOne:Exploretheotherperson’sviewpoint.

Theirview:

PhaseTwo:Explainyourviewpoint.

Yourview:

PhaseThree:Createresolutions.

Resolutions:

WeekTwo:BetterListeningatHome:Partners,Parents,Siblings,Children,Friends7

Day8:ResponseGenerators

We’llstartourweekathomebypracticingtheresponsegenerators.Today,withthe

peopleinyourpersonallife,askthemthefollowingquestionsandseeifitelicitsa

differentresponsethanyouusuallyget.

�Oh?

�Inwhatway?

�Howso?

�Tellmemore...

�Givemeanexample...

Describeyourresultsinthefollowingspace.

Day9:ConflictStylesatHome

Foreachofthefollowingconflictstyles,identifythepeopleinyourlifewho

demonstrateeachstyle.

TheLion.Thisstyleiscompetitive.Theyvalue“winningthepoint”morethanthe

relationship.Theyseeconflictasacompetition.“Iknowthey’llcomearoundonce

theyseemypoint.”It’san“Iwin/youlose”position.

7SomeoftheexercisesareadaptedfromHearingResourcesCenterofSanMateo,“ListeningExercisestoHelpYouBeaBetterCommunicatior”;http://www.hearingresourcecentersm.com/ListeningExercisesToHelpYouBecomeaBetterCommunicator.htm;accessedAug.19,2016.

TheOstrich.Thisstyleavoidsconflictatallcosts.Tothem,havingconflictISthe

problem,andit’snotworththetroubletoarguebecauseitwon’taffecttheoutcome

anyway.“I’dratherjustforgetit.”Thisisa“Ilose/youlose”position.

TheDog.Thisstylevaluestherelationshipaboveallelseandwillaccommodateto

theotherperson’sdesiresforthesakeofmaintainingtherelationship.It’stheexact

oppositeofTheLion.“Fine,we’lljustdoityourway.”It’san“Ilose/youwin”

approach.

TheFish.Likeaschooloffish,thisstylefocusesoncollaborationandworking

together.Theywanttoexplorethedifferentoptionstocomeupwithonewhere

everyonebenefits.It’san“Iwin/youwin”approach.

Byidentifyingthestylesthattheotherpeopleareexpressing,wearebetterableto

stepoutsideourownframesandintotheframeoftheotherperson.

Thenextfewdaysaregoingtohaveyouengaginginsomefunexercisestohelpyou

becomeabetterlistener.

Day10:TheSoundsExercise

Todayisallaboutnonverballistening.Listentoallsoundsaroundyou:a

refrigeratorhumming,akeyboardclicking,anairconditioningsystemrumbling.

Listentothedistant(andnotsodistant)trafficnoise;anyairplanesflyingby?Listen

topeopleworking,peoplehammering,peoplemowingthelawn.Listentopeople

talking,laughing,orcrying.Listentoyourownnoises,yourownbreathing.Whatis

the“vibe”aroundyou?

Day11:TheColorsExercise

Thisisafunonetodowithchildren.Sitfacetofacewithyourchild.Tellyourchild

tosayacolor,suchas“red.”Yourespond:“red.”Yourchildsaysanothercolor:

“blue.”Yourespond:“blue.”Eachtimeyourespondbackwiththecoloryourchild

said.

Increasethespeedatwhichyourespondtoyourchild.Assoonasshestarts

tosayacolor,youresponduntilyouarealmostsayingthecolorsatthesametime.

Bytheendoftheexercise,youandyourchildwillprobablybesayingcolors

atthesametime!Areyoumindreading?No,youarebecomingmoresubtlytunedto

listeningfortheircuesbecauseyouarefocusingmore.

Day12:Charades

Thiscanbeplayedwithagroupoffriendsorwithyourfamily.Beforeplaying,on

indexcards,writedownsomesituationsandactions.Forexample,“ordering

peanutsatabaseballgame.”

Teamsoftwoeachchooseoneindexcard.Onepersonmustgethisorher

partnertoguesswhatheorsheisactingoutwithoutusingwordsatall.

Thishelpswithlisteningskillsbecauseitrequiresfocusonnonverbalbody

language.

Day13:SympatheticDisagreement

Thisexercisecanbeusedwithapartnerorspouse.Onepersonmakesastatement.

Thenthesecondpersonrepeatswhattheirpartnerjustsaidthatthattheyagree

with,andthenpolitelyobjectstoonespecificpartofit.Forexample:

Larry:Ilovechocolatedonuts.

Michelle:Ilovechocolatedonuts,buttheyarereallyfattening.

Thepurposeofthisexerciseistopracticelisteningduringdisagreement.

Day14:It’saWrap

Congratulations!Youmadeittotheendofthetwoweeks.Takesometimetodayto

debrief.

Whatwasyourfavoriteexercise?

Doyoufeelyourlisteningskillshaveimproved?

Whatthingsdoyouthinkyouwillcontinuedoing?

Hasanyoneelsemadeanycommentsorobservations?

Wereanyoftheexercisesunsuccessful?Whathappened?

Whatwasyourgreatesttakeawayfromthetwoweeks?