8APR

282011

To the students of Whitman College,In a scheduling snafu which could otherwise be de-

scribed as a giant fuck-up by one o! the members o! the Whitman Events Board, the upcoming New Pornogra-phers concert will not be going exactly as planned. In-stead o! booking the indie rock musical group o! that title, a certain member o! our staf! accidentally booked actual pornographers. Due to contractual obligations, the fact that we’ve already invested time and effort into advertising, and the fact that the guy who booked this already paid the wrong “Pornographers”, we’re gonna have a show anyway. Same time, same place.

This will still be a stage performance, as the por-nography production company we hired specializes in real time, exhibitionist pornography. For that rea-son, your presence is greatly appreciated! The biggest changes we expect from our shift in acts is that on-stage performance can be variable, and the music is going to likely suck balls. The actors and actresses are also likely to do just that. Nonetheless, it’s going to be a huge spectacle!

Hope to see you there,

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHNSON

Pornographers Mix-up

Hey all,

I’m !inding mysel! with a lack o! time necessary to make a cross-word yet again, so I thought I’d try something new: a word ladder! Each consecutive answer varies by one letter from the previous an-swer. For example, i! the clue were alluding to what I am, the answer would be slut. The next clue might ask what you do with a baseball bat, and the answer would be slug. Get it? Hope you enjoy it!

Adam

The men are actually judged on how well they pull of! shirtless-ness. Spectators can vote online polling via SurveyMonkey.

There is a strong correlation be-tween the money raised through this event and how sexy the swim team will look in the following season. They swear it’s not in-versely correlated.

When they say that the bike por-tion o! the triathlon is a false !lat, that’s code for that it’s not !lat. Ever. You go uphill both ways.

The swim team doesn’t harbor judgments for those people who aren’t very good at swimming, but try anyway. This is unless, o! course, those people really suck.

It’s funny i! the people manning the course point you in the wrong direction. So loosen up a bit and have a laugh.

The arrows are a lie.

Triathlon is spelled t-r-i-a-t-h-l-o-n. Did anyone else think it was "triathalon" up until just now?

Why They’ll Win: They can smoke cigarettes and sing at the same time.Why They’ll Lose: They’re Beta.

Why They’ll Win: They’re hot.Why They’ll Lose: Hotness doesn’t always equate with sounding good.

Why They’ll Win: They’re tall.Why They’ll Lose: Pot brownies beforehand might not be the best pre-contest warm-up.

Why They’ll Win: They’re Schwa.Why They’ll Lose: They won’t.

Why They’ll Win: They do not accept defeat.Why They’ll Lose: Too many people rollin’.

Why They’ll Win: They’ve been practicing while pole dancing.Why They’ll Lose: Not enough contestants.

Why They’ll Win: Azns r cute.Why They’ll Lose: Their song choice will be of! a “Now That’s What I Call Music!” album.

Why They’ll Win: Their Queen medley last year rocked.Why They’ll Lose: They’re singing “Friday”. FUN FUN FUN NO.

Why They’ll Win: They actually practiced.Why They’ll Lose: Too many goons.

Why They’ll Win: Matching out!its.Why They’ll Lose: No one a-capella group should have so much power.

Why They’ll Win: They can actually sing.Why They’ll Lose: What’s with those robes?

Why They’ll Win: They intend to kick ass and take names.Why They’ll Lose: They run the chance o! literally kicking ass.

Indy women, Indy men, Schwa

LETTER FROM WEB

ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S JUMBLE

Real Talk: THE TRIATHLON

COMIC

WORD LADDER

OSPREYMUSKETPLAINSMARTENFLAUNTQ: What is life without geometry?A: POINTLESS

CHORAL CONTEST PREDICTIONS

kanye

I  could  never  do  stand-­up  ‘cause  I  tell  jokes  better  when  I’m  sitting.

tweet of the week

kanyewest  Kanye  West

Women shave them

Cherry and apple, to name a few

Papal name

Relieve oneself in a vulgar manner

Decline

Pre-present

Having much celerity

A clenched hand

The main point

Top 10, for example

Characteristic of a Spanish accent

Will-o'-the-_____

Sagacious

Sun action

Ceremonial act

Plentiful

Whitewater vessel

Float gently, as a smell

Whitman or Disney

Die, as a flower

William Wallace's garb

Rotate slightly

Scrabble piece

Beer _____

Tick relative

South American tea-like drink

Women shave them

Cherry and apple, to name a few

Papal name

Relieve oneself in a vulgar manner

Decline

Pre-present

Having much celerity

A clenched hand

The main point

Top 10, for example

Characteristic of a Spanish accent

Will-o'-the-_____

Sagacious

Sun action

Ceremonial act

Plentiful

Whitewater vessel

Float gently, as a smell

Whitman or Disney

Die, as a flower

William Wallace's garb

Rotate slightly

Scrabble piece

Beer _____

Tick relative

South American tea-like drink

Bubble. We have been informed that the 85th Annual Whitman Cho

BETA

KAPPA

PHI

SCHWA

DG

TKE

SIRENS

THETA

SIG

T-TONES

INDY WOMEN

INDY MEN

WINNERS

ILLUSTRATION BY ALDEN

Did you get to Reid just as they ran out of yearbooks?

Well, the Backpage has just the thing for you!

For an unlimited time, the Backpage will be selling stapled packets including the printed Facebook

You can creep analog-style for only $9.99! Contact the Backpage to secure your copy today!

ADVERTISEMENT