8APR

072011

Nobody likes a backseat driver. Fender bender? Your response is to al-ways say “wheeee!”Make sure you know what you’re getting into before you com-ment on the music. Example: They’re playing Lady Gaga. You say, “Damn this beat is catchy!” There’s awkward silence for hal! an hour, as you realize they were only listening to Lady Gaga to “be ironic and make a statement on the ubiquity o! pussy bourgeois ideals”.

“Mi auto es tu auto” does not apply when you’re smelling up the place. The last thing you need is to get kicked out o! the car at a Taco Bell in Ellensburg, only to !igure out your Birks are still in the Subaru and you won’t have a backup ride for at least another six hours.Don’t try to hide your “occasional motion sickness”. Simply hoping “it probably won’t act up this time” isn’t good enough. You don’t want to get blacklisted from the rides listerv because you’re “that kid”. “There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and The Great Pumpkin!” – Linus van Pelt, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”“Are we there yet?” is never an acceptable question. I! the car is in motion, logic dictates you are, in fact, not “there” yet.

Nobody likes a Teddy Grahams tease.Getting home is more important than your pussy bourgeois ideals. I! the person insists you stop at Wal-Mart for lunch, put on a smile and get out o! the car. Yakima is no place to decide you can’t support “The Machine”.Please, when you !inally arrive at your destination, keep in mind “kthxbai” does not work as a real-life substitute for “thanks so much”. 4realz.

Our mascot, the Missionary, is actually just a byproduct o! the school’s collective sexual repres-sion.

The most accurate translation o! “Walla Walla” from Native American tongue is “Nowheres-ville”.

President George Bridges (you may recognize him as that dude with the bow tie) is known by many nicknames, such as “G.B.”, “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, and “George”. You can call him these to his face.

Prentiss Dining Hall serves more vegetarian dishes than most Whitties knew were pos-sible.

Contrary to the image propa-gated by the diversity-themed Common Application add-on, we’re pretty pasty.

Everybody on campus knows how to play guitar. I! you don’t know how, you won’t !it in.

Marcus and Narcissa Whit-man didn’t die. Their decapitat-ed heads live on in glass contain-ers full o! liquid, kind o! like in Futurama.

Although folks say you can eat the onions here like apples, no-body really does.

Ocular herpes is real. Trust us on this.

The “California Burrito” at Taqueria Yungapeti has french fries in it. Yeah, I know, WTF?

It’s possible to fall of! the Bridge o! Sobriety while sober. Twice.

Getting really ridiculously good at Super Smash Bros. now will lead to in!inite fame for the en-tirety o! your !irst year. Also, everyone will whine about you.

Whitman College campus has the highest head o! wheat-to-student ratio in the nation. This is the most useless fact, ever.

Real Talk THE FACTS

Dearly beloved followers,So, the revolution failed. Diana and Cari

were found by the yellow jackets and released, and I've been cast down to the deepest, dark-est depths o! puzzle prostitution. As punish-ment for my transgressions, which took the form o! a page devoted to mysel! in last week’s Pioneer issue, I’ve been forced to make a jum-ble this week. It’s probably my least favorite puzzle. However, what’s fair is fair; I have to make up for my act of, let’s face it, egoist mas-turbation in the form o! a newspaper page. I apologize for the damage I’ve done, and hope-fully they’ll let me do what pleases me most next week: that is to say, the crossword. I’ve been reading some puzzle kamasutra and the next puzzle should be raunchy as hell.

Until then,Adam “Still Just a Slut” Brayton

M D E A D I

L O N A R M

R O L F O S

T A N E P T

G O M T G A

QUESTION: What happens when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

ILLUSTRATION BY SONG

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAYTON

ILLUSTRATION BY LOOS-DIALLO

ILLUSTRATION BY ALFORD

Ashley to Prentiss 3 days ago

Hey,Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo laun-dry. WE GOT A FUCKING THIEF ON OUR HANDS. Stop stealing my shit.

dress. If it is not back in the laundry room by tomorrow at noon, I’m getting the po-lice involved.kthxbai.

Damien to Prentiss 8 hours ago

I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.

Katie to Prentiss 1 hour ago

What up skanks,

So like, my socks keep going missing. I think our thief must be like a pirate or something. So yeah, now we have a lead! Should I tell the RD?

Kate to Prentiss 1 day ago

So I just bought a new pair of True Religions and they’re missing. They’re on sale you can go buy yourself a pair instead of stealing mine. I know you have money, because you go to Whitman. You spend $50,000 a year for school; I think you can spend $100 on jeans. Just go to nordstrom.com then click the sale and go to women’s jeans. Is that hard? No. Is returning my jeans hard? No. Are you an a-hole if I don’t get my jeans back? Yes.Show me some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and give me my shit. :)

In preparation for next week's Admitted Student's Day, the Backpage has decid-ed to start thinking up some helpful facts for prospective students. Prospies need to learn to rely on us here at the Backpage to be their one trusty source for some good ol' fashion real talk. C'mon, prospies, admissions packets? They don't know your life!

Riding with RandosWith summer coming up, the Backpage has noticed most Whitties are

starting to think about their ride situation and how they are going to get home. Given that the majority of students are seeking rides to Seattle or Portland, odds are that a good amount of Whitties will end up having to hitch rides with strangers. To prepare students for this, the Backpage has

compiled a list of helpful suggestions:

[Prentiss] Screw you, laundry thief

kanye

NINJAS...  YESSSSS!!!!!!!

tweet of the week

kanyewest  Kanye  West

COMIC

JUMBLE TIME!