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What crucial conversation have you been avoiding?
0At each table, take 1 minute to identify a crucial conversation that you have been avoiding.
0Without breaking confidences, please share very briefly what conversation you have been dodging.
0Timer
Resources
20 years of research on over 100,000 people reveals:
0THE key skill of effective leaders, parents, loved ones… is…
0…the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues. PERIOD!!!!!!
What’s a Crucial Conversation?
A conversation between 2 people when…
1. The stakes are high
2. Opinions vary
3. Emotions run strong
Years of genetic shaping have driven us to flying fists and fleet feet… not intelligent persuasion and
gentle attentiveness….
The “Crucial Conversation” claim
0At the heart of ALL chronic problems in organizations, teams and relationships – lies “crucial conversations”
0Mastering the Art will
0 Kick start your career
0 Improve your organizations
0 Improve your relationships
0 Improve your personal health
Research cited… by authors
0Companies who have mastered the art of crucial conversations…0 Respond 5 times faster to financial downturns
0 2/3rds more likely to avoid injury or death due to unsafe conditions
0 Save $1,500 AND an 8 hour workday for every crucial conversation held rather than avoided
0 Substantially increase trust and reduce costs in virtual work teams
0 Influence changes in colleagues who bullying, conniving, dishonest, or incompetent
It is NOT simply…
0 Policies
0 Procedures
0 Structures
0 Systems
However… It IS…
0Holding each other accountability through having effective “Crucial,” “Difficult,” or “Hard” conversations!
The great news?
0These skills are learnable….
Start with the heart
0Keeping the Peace
0 Sometimes we choose personal safety – we go to submission or silence as a way of keeping the peace. The underlying issues are never explored.
What do I really want?
0 For myself
0 For others?
0 For the relationship?
0Refuse the “fools choice”
0 We sometimes assume that we must choose between getting results and keeping the relationship
0 How can we achieve BOTH?
Watch for conditions…
0 Silence – any act to withhold meaning from the conversations0 Masking (sugarcoating, sarcasm, couching…)
0 Avoiding (changing the subject…)
0 Withdrawing (leaving the conversation or the room…)
0Violence0 Controlling (coercion, cutting them off, overstating…)
0 Labeling (dismissing someone’s ideas from a stereotype…)
0 Attacking (threatening, name calling…)
What’s your style under stress…?
0 Stress Test
0Discussion
“What do you do when the talking turns tough?”
Styles
0 Silence
0 Masking
0 Avoiding
0 Withdrawing
0Violence
0 Controlling
0 Labeling
0 Attacking
Why do we avoid hard conversations? (Jennifer Abrams)
As a cultural norm, educators are noted for avoiding conflict.
1. A desire to please
0 “I want people to like me.”
0 “I don’t want to look mean.”
0 Educators are nurturers. Mostly.
2. Personal Safety
0 “My colleague is aggressive and scary”
0 “I don’t want the pain and agony”
0 “I don’t like tears or anger…makes me uncomfortable”
3. Personal Comfort
0 “Confronting this will take too much work.”
0 “I don’t want to make waves.”
4. Fear of the unknown
0The number one value of educators is “stability”
0Educators will put up with stomach distress, headaches, insomnia and many other ailments –rather than deal with the unknown….
5. No sense of urgency
0 “I will wait until it happens again…”
0The third times the charm… then I’ll address it.”
0Remember – if physical safety, emotional safety, or educationally unsound practices… etc. are involved –it’s best to move with more urgency.
6. I don’t fit in here!
0The culture here does not meet things head on … why should I?
7. Waiting for the perfect moment.
0 “I cant talk to her until I know more about it…”
8. Perfectionism
0 “I can’t talk to him until I have the perfect words”
9. Distrust on oneself or others
0 “I don’t trust my gut instinct”
0 “ I might be too sensitive”
10. Lack of authority
0 “Who am I to bring it up…I’m not in charge…”
11. Distrusting our own judgment
0 “Who am I to tell someone else how they ought to do their job?”
12. Fear of kicking someone else when they are down
0 “This will overwhelm him and he’s got enough problems as it is.”
13. Too big a shift in role expectations
0 Instructional coaches or new supervisors may find the role change to be uncomfortable. Confronting peers or employees without training or experience may be overwhelming.
14. This wasn’t in my job description
0 “I just assumed most people knew the right thing to do. I didn’t know I had to deal with all these things.”
15. Too close to home
0 “This is a small town. Everyone knows each other. I need to keep this relationship as it is.”
16. Conflict with beliefs or values
0 “I don’t agree with the decision on this anyway, why should I confront someone over it!”
17. Fatigue
0 “I don’t have the energy to take this on!”
18. Personality or intent
0 “She is really a nice person – I hate to confront her on this.”
0 “I am sure she didn’t mean it that way!”
The Toll…
0We feel personally guilty for not addressing it….0 We feel fraudulent…as if we are not in the world as we really are”
0We give control or power to the other person…0 “It looks to others like we condone their behavior”
0We don’t live up to our principles…0 “We feel like a hypocrite”
0We allow the organization (students, staff, parents, employees…) to experience negative consequences.0 “Kids and adults get hurt, or don’t receive benefits they should”
When is it appropriate NOT to confront?
Timing Issues
1. Will the problem fix itself?
2. Does it need to be addressed now?
3. Am I in the right frame of mind now?
4. Is this the right time for the other person?
5. Do I have enough information now?
6. Do I prioritize this over other conversations?
Stakes
1. What’s the best and worst that could happen?
2. What is the ripple effect?
3. Do negatives out weigh the positives?
4. Who might need to know before I talk to the person?
Likelihood of Success
1. If I bring this up do I have an action plan? A solution?
2. How promising are the hoped-for results?
Options
0Are there other alternatives with less risk?
0Has this person had the opportunity to recognize the issue on their own?
0 If I speak up will it move me closer to my goal or farther away?
Consequences for failure
0What is the worst that could happen and how likely is that?
Personal perspective
0Will this be seen as only my issue?
0Do I model the behavior I am looking for?
0How do my beliefs guide me to think this way and would other beliefs alter my thinking?
Feasibility
0 Is the solution I am proposing possible for this individual to accomplish or learn?
0 If I bring up the concern is there time to deal with it?
The steps to moving forward with a difficult conversationStep 1
0 What is the presenting problem?
0 In a concise statement describe the problem.0 Example – My colleague does not come to collaborative meetings
regularly.
Step 2
0 What is the tentative outcome?
0 Example – My colleague will come to collaborative meetings regularly.
Step 3
What are the desired behaviors?
Colleague example:
0 Colleague will attend planned meetings
0 Colleague will be on time and prepared
0 Colleague will let others know if they cannot be there
0 Colleague will share the work equally
Step 4
What knowledge, skills, dispositions or attitudes does this person need to meet the desired outcome?
0 To be aware of the impact on others when she’s late
0 To believe that she has an adult professional role with colleagues not just as a teacher of students
0 To believe she can benefit from the meetings
Step 5
What strategies can you use to promote this person’s growth?
0Be sure she knows her job description includes attending meetings
0Plan ways to make the meetings more relevant for her
0Makes sure minutes of the meetings reflect everyone’s responsibilities
Step 6
What resources do you need for a successful outcome?
External - Do you need books, funds, schedules or approval from someone else?
Internal – Be able to verbalize the impact on the team and speak without crying, chickening out or getting overly emotional.
Scripting the conversation
0 Step 1: Setting the tone: and purpose
0 You must scale your tone and your non-verbals in relation to the seriousness of the conversation.
0 The other person must understand the level of intensity the conversation requires YET you don’t want to show more emotion than is necessary.
Scripting…
0 Step 2: Get to the point and name it professionally:
0 As you name the issue “present the problem” from your outcome map.
0 Avoid trigger words (“lazy, chaotic, …)
0 Use professional language that is not judgmental
Scripting…
0 Step 3: Give specific examples:
0 Use the most current examples first
0 Don’t give too many at once
Scripting…
0 Step 4: Describe the effect on the school, students, parents, colleagues, etc.
0 Explain the impact…
Scripting…
0 Step 5: State your desire to resolve the issue and open the discussion
0 End your opening statements by stating the change you would like to see take place and then open by asking questions:
0How do you see it?
0How do you feel?
0What are your thoughts?
0DO you see this differently?
Post script
0One method is to write a draft summary of the meeting in post tense BEFORE the meeting takes place.
0 Place it in a drawer
0 Conduct the meeting following your script
0After the meeting, revise the summary to reflect what actually happened
Preparing the logistics
0 Initiating contact0 No cryptic voice messages or emails0 Find a private place and time (remember – the more serious
the discussion the more formal the setting)0 Think about timing. (Do they have to teach after this
conversation?)0 Body Language
0 Voice: “credible voice” of authority goes down, “approachable voice” goes up at the end of sentences
0 Hands: palms down is business, palms up gives listener an opening
0 Eyes: Not looking means hesitation, too much looking may be too imposing. Consider culture and context.
Supervisor role plays for setting the tone
Level 1: Investigation
Level 2. Verbal reprimand
Level 3. Written reprimand
Level 4. Termination
Level 1. Parent complaint that a teacher handled a child very roughly.
Level 4. Termination of teacher for inappropriate Facebook interaction with students.
Resources
MJS Consulting LLC
0 Dr. Mark J. Stock
0 64 Arrowhead Drive
0 Laramie, WY, 82070
0 Work # 307-766-6825
0 Cell # 307-399-1711
0 University of Wyoming
0 Assistant Professor Educational Leadership
