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We Need to Talk:
Crucial Conversations
Denise Metzger Director of Studies, EF Education First
Sydney
16 June, 2016
the plan
1. What makes a conversation crucial?
2. How can we do them effectively?
3. How can we train others to do them well?
it’s escalating… • a critical conversation:
– high stakes
– varied opinions
– strong emotions
• planned / surprise!
• can include:
– performance management (up and down)
– customers
– colleagues
– external stakeholders
from… to… • I’m going to tell you what the problem is so
you can fix it.
• We need to address this problem and
figure out how we can fix it (because it’s
crucial).
mutual purpose • “What’s the
benefit to the
students?”
• “Do they trust
my motives /
my abilities?” (contingencies)
• dialogue, not
dictation
dialogue
• Requires trust, feeling safe
• Signs it’s not happening:
Silence
Masking
Avoiding
Withdrawing
Violence
Controlling
Labeling
Attacking
• What should we do when these happen?
position vs interest
Position (child): I want to live on land / touch the boat. Position (father): You can’t, I won’t let
you.
Interest (child): I want to explore. Interest (father): I want you to be safe.
storytelling
Between perception and
emotion is the story we tell
ourselves about what’s
happening.
Watch out for:
Victim stories
Villain stories
Helpless stories
What evidence can I see/ hear to support my
story?
How might I be contributing to this?
What could make a reasonable person do/ think this?
What would I do now if I really wanted s/t different?
a little application
• positions & interests
• possible mutual purpose
• examples of silence or violence (masking,
avoiding, withdrawing / controlling, labeling, attacking)
• examples of victim/ villain/ helpless stories
sensitive topics
• Share your facts
• Tell your story
• Ask for others’ perspectives
• Talk tentatively (not indirectly,
sugarcoating)
• Encourage testing
Hold to your belief; soften your approach.
making a decision • Command (I decide; I ask you to decide)
– If people can make the decision, let them.
• Consult (invite pp to influence my
decision) – Don’t fake this; explain the final decision
• Vote – Never use just to save time
• Consensus – Really high stakes with necessary buy-in
Who wants / needs to be involved?
“People were always talking about how
mean this guy was who lived on our block.
But I decided to go see for myself. I went to
his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean
guy, the mean guy lived in that house over
there. ‘No, you stupid idiot,’ I said, ‘ that’s my
house.’”
~Jack Handy
self-reflection – high stakes
– varied opinions
– strong emotions
• Choose one...
– a teacher
– a student
– a colleagues
– my manager
• cause
• goals
• feelings
• conclusion
• outcome
• style under stress – physical
– emotional
– behavioural
– triggers?
• contingencies (different person, different day, different DoS?)
The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but
those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you
know. -Napolean
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
-Ben Franklin
references
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler 2002
• Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for difficult
conversations. Retrieved on 15/6/2016 at
http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-
checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php