Attrition Control...Great Place to Work!

8/9/2019 Attrition Control...Great Place to Work!

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Hey there, why do we have to always tell the world of our virtues when we would want you in

our organization; and then constantly struggle to engage you, enthrall you, delight you all

this in the name of being a great place to work and consequently containing attrition!?

Are not most of us so tired of reading so much about great places to work, survey after

survey, year after year; and when we end up in those great places - sans a little initialeuphoria : mostly restricted to the pre-offer to joining date stage are stunned to find

that what we read is non existent, and most of that looks like it all evaporated in thin air,just because we joined in and we get to self beating on the basis of luck, star and what

not!

For a change, why dont we get to know that this is how things will be?

Welcome aboard the world of Imaginary.

After much of thought and confabulation, the internal communications team of Imaginary

Inc, our dream company did make this outright honest attempt aimed at putting a decisive

full stop on the ever-haunting problem of attrition.

Welcome aboard Imaginary Inc.

If you are a prospective hire at Imaginary P Ltd, please read through carefully, and make up

your mind whether this is the great place to work you want to be at. If all that follows

sounds a perfect setting for you, we are over-delighted to have you make a career at

Imaginary!

1. Depending on what level you are joining in, you would have met our

managers/functional heads in the process that led to our hiring you. Most of all what

was stated in the so called discussions, was done only with the intent of luring you toImaginary. Never make the silly mistake of thinking that any of that was serious. It

was just that most of us here overdo, thanks to the fact that we are a company with

gifted sales people! When we dont have prospective clients who may fall for our

sales acumen, we hone our skills with prospective candidates. Thats all about it!(If

you notice in hindsight, we deliberately kept HR out of this hiring process that

meant our HR used the precious time only dousing internal fires.. more on that.. read

on

2. Once you join in, someone from HR will handle you a bunch of papers we call it the

joining kit and it is up to you to find out a corner place in our swanky (is it?) to

spend a couple of days filling up the forms, whilst off course wondering why the hellI joined in this place . Thats a de rigueur we want all who join Imaginary to go

through! It is a pointer that whatever you want to do be it work, or anything

besides work, which is what most at Imaginary have mastered doing you will feel

lonely all through the way to a sparkling career with us!

3. Induction: Its mostly on the job at Imaginary! We do not have a documented on-

boarding process, and that serves us well. Most of those who matter in our company


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are actually busy, gods knows doing what! So, why do we have to waste quality (Ah?!)

leadership time! Its best that you get inducted on the job by yourself, and a few of

those around your workstation, who got inducted the same way! We are so confident

that they will informally induct you on a whole lot of trivia, which will form the crux

of how you will do at Imaginary. Some of the things that you can expect them to do

how you have to always act as though you are busy to death, how its ok to bullshitabout performance that never will happen, and revenue streams that will not see the

light of the day, how for us our brand name matters more than anything else, how we

treat our customers with contempt, under the shade of our brand this list is going

endless? Well, dont worry about induction, and you will be inducted! Thats the

magic at Imaginary!

4. Workspace & Work-tools: Sure, when you met up with our functional heads, it was

promises galore on how your great cubicle would be and what we will provide you. If

you ever think that the office ambience will be close to the places you were met up

with, in the run-up to the offer, then our apologies. Despite so much we do to

control attrition, you would go soon. For heavens sake, welcome to reality! Youcubicle will for sure be an apology for a workspace, and it will be quite sometime

before you get a telephone lucky you if you can speak or be audible on that; And a

while by the time you get a mail id, and the basic stuff like stationery, and similar

paraphernalia. Relax, and dont be in a hurry.The last we want is our beloved

employee feel the pressure in early days(it is a different story that if you have

worked in any of those professional work places, then unto retirement or death, you

will not have anything like work pressure. We are content with the image we have

cultivated, thanks to some great colleagues we earlier had reality is this place is

full of theatrics!)

5. Vision statement: By god, none of us who have been with Imaginary for years haveleast bothered to understand the vision statement. We are told that our corporate

office in Papua New Guinea crafted this about a decade ago, and as a rule, we have

to hang it in all of our offices. That besides, there is nothing more to the so called

vision. And we would want you to be clear that the vision statement in only on our

walls and there up on the danglers and other promo material! Dont ever pester HR

or any of us in trying to know more of our vision, mission etc. None of us here bother

to do that, and you too will be better of that way!

6. Work culture: Well, there is nothing what we can define as culture for Imaginary.

You do will know & would have read a lot about how culture comes from the people

and leaders in any company. We have a whole lot of people, who imagine that theyare cultured, and Imaginary being the universe of these imaginary cultured people,

there is some work culture. We suggest that in case you are so curious yet to know

our work culture, you will figure it our as you go on. And believe us heavens wont

fall either even if you dont ever figure out this bull of culture!

7. Communication policy: We do have a robust communications team; they take care of

making the right noises in the media. Internal communication to employees happens


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regularly only thing is you will find no signature in the mails sent other than just

an ambiguous communications team. Thats our way of saying that most of our

leaders and colleagues alike dont like to communicate anything straight and on

record. We rather use the power of communication in closed doors, in bickering,

bitching, backstabbing and the worse of things. On a formal note, our team is so

busy god knows doing what; so none of us would prefer to waste our timescommunicating why communicate stupidity, waste your time and my time, and make

all of us vulnerable to the already mucked up brags in the workplace? We prefer to

be incommunicado, and as time goes on you will see a lot of sense in what we do, and

in turn you will also do the same!

8. Company growth: Dont even ask us what our growth plans are 5 years ago, we

never imagined we would reach here, and so who cares! May be or may not be, we will

be much better of 5 years down the line. We never planned any of this long back,

and we would not to drain our energy by planning etc. Think that god blessed us, and

will bless us come what may. Thats the best way to look at growth when you are at

Imaginary!

9. Personal growth (your career na!): We have no clue about the yardstick we use to

grow people, and that will include you when you are on-board! Most of our people

have hung on for years with no clue on how they have grown or even better, whether

they need growth at all or not!Thats the magic of Imaginary rather! We create a

semblance of your growth without any need for tangibles attached no hike, no sync

with market standards in compensation and benefits, no connect with the market,

when the whole world out there has changed beyond recognition We are sure you

know its your life, your career, and your growth.. so why on earth would you want us

to take any responsibility for that! And believe us in this.. Empowerment of

employees is in our DNA, and once that is done, you cant ever ask us what to doabout your growth! Unfair and we hate that attitude!!

10. Reporting head: We all know you are keen to know about the person to whom you will

report to whilst in Imaginary! The person may differ in name or position, but we

want you be to very clear about some of the personality traits that are common

across reporting bosses here just another example of what we value truly

equality. Your reporting head is unintelligent, will have no time for you, be busy 24/7

with god knows what, be on phone, and be glued to his laptop, god know doing what,

and above all is a hard worker only thing the hard work is restricted to sucking up

to those who matter. We are an organization who strongly believes in rewarding

hard work, and thats the reason your boss is where he is. Nothing else. And if youcome with an urge to get to his/her place, there is no choice but to work hard in

the same manner as your boss did!

11. Training and development: Well, there is no limit to which our training and

development team can coach you to be a better professional off course, in the

Imaginary scheme of things. You must know that in our company, no one person is

bigger than the organization. And we are paranoid about this. Be rest assured that


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whenever you hit problems in dealing with the ever-present politics, bitching, i kick

your ass attitude of a whole lot of us, and the so many crude and refined variations

of all this, our training function will be intervening in facilitating your cruise

through. You either join the party by displaying behavioral changes they will tutor

you to, or stay away by being stoic as they will suggest. We have to add something

more about how great our training function is by sheer professionalism, they havestarted hitting the market with their famed intervention strategies, and started

bringing in their fair share of revenues to our company growth - our finance

function says that they have grossed 250% of their target, and god know what the

absolute target in rupee terms was! And what beats us is how good similar training

wings in other companies could be if our training is good for the customer, then

god knows!

12. Job Rotation: Immense are the chances that over the years you stay with us, we will

endeavor to rotate you in various roles. Please do not ever think that this is a policy

with merit and performance as a cornerstone. Nothing can be far from true.

Provided you play well in the ongoing murky politics of Imaginary, no matter howdisastrous you are/were in your present/most recent role, we will put you in another

role technically a larger role, in all probability. This is the only way we can really

create a semblance of rewarding poor souls, who have staked their career with us,

thanks to our brand name. Many of them have burnt a better part of their work-life

in choosing to be with us, and it is by job rotation that we express our gratitude for

these souls (pity, what all they have to do, to survive in that role; any case, what did

they do in the previous role, only god knows!)

13. Transparency: We are a transparent organization, and no one in the world would

dare disagree. Most of our former employees, who failed to play by our rules, would

admit that they were beaten outright in the kind of transparency we had the wayof our internal bickering, of the coteries around anyone worthy of a manager, and all

the muck around here! Not that our present employees know any little. Even our

avowed rivals will vouch that we were transparent so much so that they did not

need any intelligence to figure out what we were all about. We would challenge you

to prove to us that such a culture of transparency existed in any other company,

worth its salt!

14. Rehire policy: Yes, to err is human, and many of our former colleagues did err in

leaving to a place that was better than Imaginary. And to forgive is a good thing we

follow at Imaginary - come what may, or be what it was! It could be that the former

employee damaged our reputation, stole our data, wiped divisions revenuescompletely or anything worse; never mind do we. What is important is that these

souls must be willing to serve our agenda, suck up if need be, or play quiet if need be.

We strongly advise our re-hires against any mistaken notion that we have changed

or will try to change. Nope. They can get what they want by bullshitting when we put

them up in discussions for re-hire. End of story. After joining back, they mind their

own business, and we (meaning some of us) mind the agenda! No else will have such a

rehire policy for sure.


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15. Compensation: You have the offer letter already on hand, and that is what you

asked for and accepted. So, now please get to work or act like most of us do. You

are bound to see enough inequities, and jerks worse or better than you, earn much

more. Thats what they asked for before they joined in, and got. And its the simple

rule of professional life most of us fail to decipher you are only worth as much theprice you quote before joining. Till we make you join, we will do anything. Once you

are in, than god save! Off course, this is not to say that you wont be in the top

percentile of compensation once you are in that depends tons on how you play the

rules, which you by now have a good idea of? If you did not, the stay and watch as a

spectator. We have a good crowd with us doing precisely that!

16. Employee Engagement: There is so much for someone who wants to be engaged at

Imaginary! Our philosophy here is pretty simple if you cant engage you, then how

the hell can we engage you we do strongly believe that each human being and

employee in that is a unique and one of its kind specimens. We have at the moment

over 200 plus specimens with Imaginary, and it would be nave of us as a company toassume that we can engage all these! And so, we want to engage you all yourself! Its

an open field out here, and if you can play the rules of the game bitching, back

biting, work plagiarism, nitpicking, lobbying, playing god for fools and all possible

variations/manifestations of all these, then, there is no dearth to which you can be

engaged its indeed a whole new world of empowered employee engagement we are

sure that its a one of its kind USP we have today in our industry.

17. Performance appraisal: Well, we have said so much about what kinda company we

are, and if you did not get a fair idea of how things cook here after reading this,

guess you are dumb. But no problem. Fortunately, that is the chunk thats sits in our

offices. You have read point 10, and know what your boss had to go through all theseyears to get to where he is now. And if performance appraisals are meant to make

you move up the letter, you very well know what to do. We will not go into the how

to of it. You can either chose to learn that from your peers, and why not, even from

the boss, if he has the time to show you how. Any why not? You are so free to

innovate in the rules of our game. That is yeoman service to a whole lot of souls who

wonder how to stand our in the crowd, and get to where they want to be in

Imaginary.

18. Perks: Well, this is besides all the money you have, clearly mentioned in the offer

letter, which you have accepted. There is no limit to the kind of perks you enjoy

here, provided, you are smart enough to play the rules of the game at Imaginary.Assuming you play by the rules, suck up, then it is flexi time at work, you come in and

go out as you wish, you can work from home, play from office, and also do both

between. This besides, the tangible perks could be an unbeatable 24 by 7 access to

the top management, power to bulldoze your bosss and his bosss opinions in things

which matter, and an audience for all the polluted nonsense you wish to say! No one,

repeat, no one at Imaginary will question you on anything, least of all performance if


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you have the ability to suck, play politics, muck up everyone to put you in the

limelight, and play dirty, real dirty.

This is version 2.0 of this document, which is proprietary to Imaginary, and authored by

the HR function. Circulation of this to unintended recipients is an organizational

offence, subject to where the person stands in our scheme of things. Not that alone, weare so conscious of our image, and would not want anyone to imagine how the hell

Imaginary is where it is! Thats the secret all of us here are trying hard to decipher

Documents

Attrition Control...Great Place to Work!