Managing Managing “Difficult” “Difficult”

InteractionsInteractions

Rise about the Conflict: Rise about the Conflict: Options for Dealing with Options for Dealing with

Difficult PeopleDifficult People• Difficult people do exist at work. Difficult Difficult people do exist at work. Difficult

people come in every variety and no people come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your professional courage. Dealing and your professional courage. Dealing with difficult people is much tougher with difficult people is much tougher when they are attacking you or when they are attacking you or undermining your professional undermining your professional contribution.contribution.

• Why You Must Deal with Difficult Why You Must Deal with Difficult PeoplePeople– It’s far better to address the difficult It’s far better to address the difficult

person while you can maintain some person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.objectivity and emotional control.

• Worst Case Scenario Worst Case Scenario – Constant Conflict at workConstant Conflict at work– Blamed for being “unable to handle Blamed for being “unable to handle

situations like a mature professional”situations like a mature professional”– Labeled as a “difficult” personLabeled as a “difficult” person– High maintenance employeeHigh maintenance employee

Dealing with the Difficult Dealing with the Difficult CoworkerCoworker

Anonymous Note

Dead Bug in Drawer

10 Productive ways to deal 10 Productive ways to deal with Difficult Peoplewith Difficult People

• Start out by examining yourselfStart out by examining yourself

• Explore what you are experiencing Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleaguewith a trusted friend or colleague

• Approach the person with whom Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a you are having the problem for a private discussionprivate discussion

• Follow up after the initial Follow up after the initial discussiondiscussion

• You can confront your difficult You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publiclycoworker’s behavior publicly

• If you have done what you can do If you have done what you can do and employed the first 5 and employed the first 5 approaches with little or no approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve otherssuccess, it’s time to involve others

• Rally the other employees who Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the might have an issue with the difficult person, too - carefullydifficult person, too - carefully

• If these approaches fail to work, If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person's try to limit the difficult person's access to you.access to you.

• Transfer to a new job within your Transfer to a new job within your organizationorganization

• If all else fails, you can quit your If all else fails, you can quit your jobjob (last resort) (last resort)

• LET IT GOLET IT GO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SAY “HUM”

Types of Behaviors and Tips Types of Behaviors and Tips to Deal with themto Deal with them

• The “Sherman Tank”The “Sherman Tank”

• The “Exploder”The “Exploder”

• The “Complainer”The “Complainer”

• The "Clam"The "Clam"

• The “Wet Blanket”The “Wet Blanket”

• The “Know-It-All”The “Know-It-All”

• The “Staller”The “Staller”

Types of Behaviors and How Types of Behaviors and How to deal with them to deal with them

The "Sherman Tank"The Sherman Tank's behavior spells ATTACK. They

behave in an abusive, abrupt, intimidating, and contemptuous manner and leave their victims on the defensive, feeling overwhelmed and powerless. Their behavior can be either crude or subtle, but most importantly they overpower anyone with whom they must interact.

Sherman Tanks have a strong and driving need to prove to themselves and to others that they are always right. They also have disrespect for others whom they perceive to be wrong, weak, or confused. They lack a sense of caring and respect for others and are apt to see these qualities in others as weaknesses.

They often achieve their short-term objectives, but at the expense of working relationships, lost friendships, and respect of others

• To cope with Sherman Tanks you must stand To cope with Sherman Tanks you must stand up to them without being drawn into a fightup to them without being drawn into a fight

• or an argument.or an argument.• Give them a little time to run down.Give them a little time to run down.• Don't worry about being polite; get your point Don't worry about being polite; get your point

across any way you can.across any way you can.• Get their attention by calling them by name, Get their attention by calling them by name,

sitting down, or standing up deliberately or sitting down, or standing up deliberately or abruptly.abruptly.

• If possible, get them to sit down and discuss If possible, get them to sit down and discuss the problem with you.the problem with you.

• Maintain eye contact.Maintain eye contact.• State your own opinions and thoughts State your own opinions and thoughts

forcefully and without apology.forcefully and without apology.• Don't argue with what the other person says.Don't argue with what the other person says.• Don't try to cut him or her down.Don't try to cut him or her down.• Be ready to be friendly and receptive to Be ready to be friendly and receptive to

negotiation negotiation

The "Exploder"The "Exploder"

The Exploder's behavior is the equivalent of a The Exploder's behavior is the equivalent of a temper tantrum. The outbursts are filled with temper tantrum. The outbursts are filled with rage that barely seems under control. At rage that barely seems under control. At times, Exploders can lose control and throw times, Exploders can lose control and throw things, shout, say regrettable things, or even things, shout, say regrettable things, or even strike others.strike others.

Exploders usually react this way to situations in Exploders usually react this way to situations in which they perceive themselves to be which they perceive themselves to be thwarted and threatened. This combination thwarted and threatened. This combination produces an excess of stress on their ability to produces an excess of stress on their ability to cope effectively with the situation, and they cope effectively with the situation, and they resort to explosive and intimidating behavior resort to explosive and intimidating behavior to gain more control.to gain more control.

• To cope with Exploders you must first To cope with Exploders you must first get them to wind down and then switch get them to wind down and then switch to a problem-solving mode of to a problem-solving mode of interaction.interaction.

• Give them time to run down and gain Give them time to run down and gain self-control on their own.self-control on their own.

• If they don't wind down on their own, If they don't wind down on their own, break into the tantrum state by saying break into the tantrum state by saying or shouting a neutral phrase such as or shouting a neutral phrase such as "Stop!" or "Quiet, please!""Stop!" or "Quiet, please!"

• Show that you take them and their Show that you take them and their concerns seriously by using your active concerns seriously by using your active listening skills.listening skills.

• If necessary, suggest moving to a If necessary, suggest moving to a private setting for further discussionprivate setting for further discussion

• The "Complainer"The "Complainer"The Complainer finds fault with everything from how The Complainer finds fault with everything from how

you are doing your job to the weather to how you are doing your job to the weather to how someone else should be doing or not doing someone else should be doing or not doing something. The message behind the Complainer's something. The message behind the Complainer's behavior is that someone should be doing something behavior is that someone should be doing something about their problems. They differ from other about their problems. They differ from other persons who attempt to bring up problems in that persons who attempt to bring up problems in that they are unable to engage in a productive problem they are unable to engage in a productive problem solving dialogue, and attempts to get them to do so solving dialogue, and attempts to get them to do so are usually met with more complaints.are usually met with more complaints.

Complainers typically feel powerless to change the Complainers typically feel powerless to change the situations about which they complain, and at the situations about which they complain, and at the same time feel they are free from responsibility same time feel they are free from responsibility themselves. Usually this is a manifestation of a themselves. Usually this is a manifestation of a perfectionism which insulates them from having to perfectionism which insulates them from having to share any ownership of the problems about which share any ownership of the problems about which they complain so much.they complain so much.

• To cope with Complainers you must interrupt To cope with Complainers you must interrupt their cycle of persistent blaming and insist that their cycle of persistent blaming and insist that their problems be managed in a problem-solving their problems be managed in a problem-solving manner.manner.

• Listen attentively to their complaints even if you Listen attentively to their complaints even if you feel guilty or impatient.feel guilty or impatient.

• Acknowledge what they are saying by Acknowledge what they are saying by paraphrasing and summarization, then check to paraphrasing and summarization, then check to see if your perceptions are accurate.see if your perceptions are accurate.

• Don't agree with or apologize for their Don't agree with or apologize for their complaints.complaints.

• Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation pattern.pattern.

• State the facts without comment.State the facts without comment.• Try to move to a problem-solving mode by asking Try to move to a problem-solving mode by asking

specific questions, assigning fact-finding tasks, or specific questions, assigning fact-finding tasks, or asking for certain complaints to be put down in asking for certain complaints to be put down in writing.writing.

• If all else fails, ask the Complainer "How do you If all else fails, ask the Complainer "How do you want this discussion to end?"want this discussion to end?"

• The "Clam"The "Clam"The Clam is the person who reacts to your The Clam is the person who reacts to your

questions or attempts to engage them in questions or attempts to engage them in conversation with silence, a grunt, or conversation with silence, a grunt, or some noncommittal yes or no. When you some noncommittal yes or no. When you attempt to open them up, they usually attempt to open them up, they usually maintain their stance and offer little in maintain their stance and offer little in the way of clarification of their position.the way of clarification of their position.

For Clams, this method of interacting is For Clams, this method of interacting is designed to avoid painful interpersonal designed to avoid painful interpersonal situations, express hostility, or avoid situations, express hostility, or avoid taking a position on some issue. It taking a position on some issue. It usually masks fear, sullen anger, or a usually masks fear, sullen anger, or a spiteful refusal to cooperate spiteful refusal to cooperate

• To cope with Clams your major task is to get To cope with Clams your major task is to get them to open up and begin to discuss what it is them to open up and begin to discuss what it is that is on their mind or what is bothering that is on their mind or what is bothering them.them.

• Ask open-ended questions.Ask open-ended questions.• Wait for a response. Use "counseling Wait for a response. Use "counseling

questions" to help reluctant clams to open up questions" to help reluctant clams to open up and be more talkative.and be more talkative.

• Do not fill in the silence with idle chatter that Do not fill in the silence with idle chatter that will indicate your own discomfort with the will indicate your own discomfort with the situation.situation.

• Plan for extra time that will allow you to wait Plan for extra time that will allow you to wait with composure.with composure.

• If no responses are forthcoming, ask another If no responses are forthcoming, ask another open-ended question and wait.open-ended question and wait.

• Comment on what is happening in the Comment on what is happening in the interaction between the two of you.interaction between the two of you.

• Develop your skills in using the Friendly-Silent-Develop your skills in using the Friendly-Silent-Stare technique Stare technique

• The "Wet Blanket"The "Wet Blanket"The Wet Blanket responds to any question or The Wet Blanket responds to any question or

proposal with a quick and negative response. proposal with a quick and negative response. Usually they say "It won't work" or "It's no use." Usually they say "It won't work" or "It's no use." The Wet Blanket is unable to move from the The Wet Blanket is unable to move from the "fault-finding" position of rational problem "fault-finding" position of rational problem solving to the action mode of problem solving, solving to the action mode of problem solving, and this is what differentiates them from others.and this is what differentiates them from others.

• When asked to assume some active role in When asked to assume some active role in solving the problem, they continue in their solving the problem, they continue in their negative and critical mode. Wet Blankets feel as negative and critical mode. Wet Blankets feel as if everything is out of their control. They use if everything is out of their control. They use this attitude to escape their own feelings of this attitude to escape their own feelings of powerlessness and incompetence, but often do powerlessness and incompetence, but often do not recognize these feelings as motivating their not recognize these feelings as motivating their behavior. They have encrusted a basic behavior. They have encrusted a basic bitterness about themselves, others, and life bitterness about themselves, others, and life that they are unable to seethat they are unable to see

things any other way things any other way

• To cope with Wet Blankets your major task is to To cope with Wet Blankets your major task is to engage them in rational problem solving without engage them in rational problem solving without getting drawn into the negativism and pessimism getting drawn into the negativism and pessimism yourself.yourself.

• Be alert to your own tendencies toward Be alert to your own tendencies toward pessimism.pessimism.

• Make optimistic but realistic statements about Make optimistic but realistic statements about past successes in solving similar problems.past successes in solving similar problems.

• Don't try to argue Wet Blankets out of their Don't try to argue Wet Blankets out of their pessimism.pessimism.

• Don't offer solutions until the problem has been Don't offer solutions until the problem has been thoroughly discussed.thoroughly discussed.

• When alternatives are being discussed, raise When alternatives are being discussed, raise questions yourself about possible negative questions yourself about possible negative consequences or outcomes.consequences or outcomes.

• See the Wet Blanket in perspective, view the See the Wet Blanket in perspective, view the negativism as problems that can be solved and negativism as problems that can be solved and overcome.overcome.

• Be prepared to take action on your own and Be prepared to take action on your own and announce your plans to do so.announce your plans to do so.

• The "Know-It-All“The "Know-It-All“

The Know-It-All is the bulldozing expert on all matters. They The Know-It-All is the bulldozing expert on all matters. They project a sense of absolute certainty about all matters, project a sense of absolute certainty about all matters, and usually leave others in their wake feeling one-down, and usually leave others in their wake feeling one-down, stupid, or worthless. They often react to others' facts or stupid, or worthless. They often react to others' facts or knowledge with irritation, anger, or withdrawal. When knowledge with irritation, anger, or withdrawal. When questioned about their plans, they often dump a profusion questioned about their plans, they often dump a profusion of facts and logical arguments on their questioners.of facts and logical arguments on their questioners.

The Know-It-All is driven by a need to simplify their world The Know-It-All is driven by a need to simplify their world and make it as understandable and controllable as and make it as understandable and controllable as possible, even when this is not possible. They operate possible, even when this is not possible. They operate from the assumption that in a changing and unpredictable from the assumption that in a changing and unpredictable world, the only sure thing is to know it all and do it all world, the only sure thing is to know it all and do it all oneself. This assumption protects them from the oneself. This assumption protects them from the incompetence and inferiority of others in a whimsical incompetence and inferiority of others in a whimsical world world

• Your major task in coping with Know-It-Alls is to get Your major task in coping with Know-It-Alls is to get them to consider alternatives without directly them to consider alternatives without directly challenging their alleged expertise.challenging their alleged expertise.

• Be prepared, do your homework, review all Be prepared, do your homework, review all pertinent material, have all Information you need pertinent material, have all Information you need available.available.

• Listen carefully and paraphrase the main points of Listen carefully and paraphrase the main points of contention.contention.

• Don't resort to dogmatic statements or Don't resort to dogmatic statements or overgeneralizations.overgeneralizations.

• Be tentative in any disagreements, use questions to Be tentative in any disagreements, use questions to raise any problems.raise any problems.

• Ask exploratory questions to examine any plans for Ask exploratory questions to examine any plans for problem resolution.problem resolution.

• Watch out for your own Know-It-All responses.Watch out for your own Know-It-All responses.• As a last resort, choose to give in, in order to avoid As a last resort, choose to give in, in order to avoid

protracted conflict or static and to build a working protracted conflict or static and to build a working relationship for future encounters.relationship for future encounters.

• The "Staller"The "Staller"Stallers are habitually indecisive. They will Stallers are habitually indecisive. They will

accept a task or responsibility and then not accept a task or responsibility and then not follow through on it, leaving others to do the follow through on it, leaving others to do the work. They are usually agreeable and easy to work. They are usually agreeable and easy to work with until you need to depend on them for work with until you need to depend on them for some action, response, or other behavior. Their some action, response, or other behavior. Their typical response is no response, seemingly typical response is no response, seemingly unable to make up their minds about what to unable to make up their minds about what to do or say.do or say.

Stallers are caught between two desires, a desire Stallers are caught between two desires, a desire to be helpful and a desire not to cause anyone to be helpful and a desire not to cause anyone any disappointment. This is a dilemma, any disappointment. This is a dilemma, because anyone with any authority or power because anyone with any authority or power must make decisions, and most decisions will must make decisions, and most decisions will not be agreeable to everyone all the time. The not be agreeable to everyone all the time. The desire to avoid making someone mad or to desire to avoid making someone mad or to disappoint someone is the prime force behind disappoint someone is the prime force behind the Staller's indecisiveness. the Staller's indecisiveness.

• Your major task in coping with Stallers is to realize Your major task in coping with Stallers is to realize that their stalling is their preferred mode of that their stalling is their preferred mode of problem solving and you can't change that; problem solving and you can't change that; however, you can attempt to engage them in however, you can attempt to engage them in problem solving by not taking their problems on problem solving by not taking their problems on yourself.yourself.

• Be open to listening to the conflicts and difficulties Be open to listening to the conflicts and difficulties Stallers have in making choices and decisions.Stallers have in making choices and decisions.

• Listen for indirect clues for the underlying issues.Listen for indirect clues for the underlying issues.• Surface the issues and then proceed with engaging Surface the issues and then proceed with engaging

the Staller with problem-solving techniques.the Staller with problem-solving techniques.• If the Staller's reservations involve you, If the Staller's reservations involve you,

acknowledge any past problems and then proceed acknowledge any past problems and then proceed with problem solving.with problem solving.

• Concentrate on examining the facts of the situation.Concentrate on examining the facts of the situation.• Give support for any decision making the Staller Give support for any decision making the Staller

can offer.can offer.• Carefully delineate who is responsible for what in Carefully delineate who is responsible for what in

resolving the problem. resolving the problem.

Give yourself an even greater Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary develop the powers necessary

to overcome the original to overcome the original difficulty." --William J. Bennett difficulty." --William J. Bennett

- - The Book of VirtuesThe Book of Virtues