2013 Governor’s Conference on Service and Nonprofit Capacity Building

Dealing with Difficult People

Content Feelings Demand Relationship

Hearing / no processing

Minimal processing

Normal processing

Deep processing

Parts of Communication

Inquiry is any attempt to gain further information about the topic being discussed.

Advocacy is any attempt to sell or persuade for an individual’s position.

INQUIRY

Empathy is attending to and responding to the feelings of the other person.

Neutrality means ignoring the feelings of the other person or, worse, demeaning them in some way.

EMPATHY

Tentative statements are those that make room for another opinion. They are not dogmatic.

Certain or dogmatic statements are those presented as absolute truth with no room for another opinion.

TENTATIVE

Equal statements are those that maintain or enhance the self worth of the other.

Superior statements are those that put the other person ‘down’ or lessen them in some way.

EQUALITY

Descriptive responses seek to enhance or expand the information shared.

Evaluative statements make judgments about the information presented.

DESCRIPTION

Problem responses or statements explore the definition of a situation.

Solution or control responses offer remedies for the problem without further exploration.

PROBLEM

Spontaneous or transparent statements make no attempt to hide the speaker’s agenda.

Strategic statements do attempt to hide the agenda or ends of the speaker.

SPONTANEITY

Content Feelings Demand Relationship

Hearing / no processing

Spouses/opposite rooms. Are you listening? What did I just say?

I want to be heard.

Minimal processing

I know what you mean / feel your pain. Share an event that generates similar feelings.

Normal processing

Use a feeling word: “I’d be devastated if my pet got hit.” Acknowledges their non-verbal behavior.

Deep processing

Follow your curiosity, ask questions

What, exactly, would you like me to do? What do you want from me?

Parts of Communication

Inquire, don’t advocate Demonstrate empathy rather than being neutral Rely on tentative, rather than dogmatic, statements Use language that promotes equality, rather than

superiority Seek descriptive ways to expand your understanding

without judging Offer problem responses, rather than solution responses Be spontaneous and transparent.

Gibbs’ Techniques

Respond, don’t react. Bracket your own emotions. Focus on the message – acknowledge all 4 parts of it. Listen without judging. Wait to formulate any response until the other person

is done talking. Pause and reflect on what you heard; check for meaning. Verbalize what you’re thinking: don’t imply a message,

make it clear.

Active Listening

Gibb, J.R. (1991). Trust: a new vision of human relationships for business, human relationships, family, and personal life. Newcastle Publishing: North Hollywood, CA.

References

For attending our session. We enjoyed meeting each of you, combining our experiences with yours, and invite you to continue our conversation. •Steve at 317-442-7226; doctorsteve@bettermeetings4u.com •Marje at 260-416-2666; doctormarje@bettermeetings4u.com or through our website at http://earnestandtreff.com/ (under construction!)

Thanks!